Anadale was up to her elbows in soapsuds when the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," she said to Alucard, and slid into the front hallway. She opened the door. "Hello!"
"Ghhaaaaaagh," said the ghoul at the door, spitting on her a little.
Anadale twitched and slammed the door.
The doorbell rang again. Anadale twitched again. She seized her umbrella from the rack by the door, flung the door wide, and beat the ghoul soundly about the head and shoulders before slamming the door again.
"What the hell is that?" Alucard called from the kitchen.
Anadale seethed. "Ugly," she replied.
The doorbell rang once again and Anadale screamed.
Alucard exited the kitchen in time to see Anadale rip the door open and impale the ghoul with a wholly unsettling laugh. It gurgled and collapsed, the pink umbrella still protruding from its chest.
Anadale began to close the door, still madly cackling under her breath. Then something occurred to her.
"Thank you for coming," she sang merrily, and kicked the ghoul off the porch. It rolled down the stairs and landed in the topiary with a series of hideous squelches.
She shut the door, locked it, and beamed at Alucard.
"I don't like people with manners like that. It's midnight, and people are trying to sleep."
Alucard blinked. "So punks like that come to doors all the time, or is that just a fucking stupid exception?"
"Sometimes they break windows," Anadale said. "One once piddled on Deirdre's roses. I beat it to pieces with a rake."
Alucard stared.
"They're only ghouls," Anadale said carelessly. "There are too many of them, anyhow. I can't jolly well let fifty of them piddle in the roses. That's bad for the plants!"
Alucard walked to the window and looked out. He counted ten ghouls lurching around the borders of the Hellsing grounds, and two vampires. His index finger twitched and his face lit up. "Paradise," he said.
"They are rather fun to hit with things," Anadale giggled darkly, leaning on Alucard's shoulder. "They lose limbs if you use a pointy hoe."
Alucard's demented grin gained a tinge of bliss as he looked at Anadale. "Fuck it, you're too good to be true."
"Most people say I'm horrid," Anadale said.
"Most people are dumb-asses."
"True, that."
Alucard put his arm around Anadale's waist and pulled her close. "You know how to use a gun?"
"I once put a ghoul's eye out with a thumbtack and a slingshot," she replied.
"Speaking of guns, is the whacking great black one in the liquor cupboard yours?"
"The Jackal's in the liquor cabinet?"
"The Jackal is the whacking great black gun that says 'Jesus Christ is in Heaven', is it?"
"That's it."
"Yes. It's between the Kahlua and the Bailey's. I put it there. It was wedged in the crisper of the refrigerator before, under some mouldy old collard greens."
"Who the hell put it there?"
"Probably Mumsy. Daddy bought this place because it had history. I bought it from them because they're utter dunderheads." Anadale wandered over to the liquor cabinet and removed the Jackal, careful not to knock over the Bailey's, because Deirdre would be upset if she did. She set the Jackal on the sofa, took the other gun she'd found out of the china cabinet, and carried them both to Alucard. This was rather difficult, but she decided it constituted a nice workout.
"Here we are," she said. Alucard took the Jackal from her.
"Man, it's been a while," he said, examining it. 'Wonder if I'm rusty."
He slid the clip out of the Jackal. Still full. They hadn't stolen his ammunition. Taking the safety off, he slid open the window and took aim at a ghoul piddling on a yew bush.
"Oh, heavens," Anadale snorted. "They're so bloody stupid! Make it stop that."
Alucard did so. He pulled the trigger, and the ghoul disintegrated into ash. From upstairs came a great ruckus.
"That better be good for plants," Anadale said.
"It is. Nutrients."
"All right, then." Anadale held up the Casull. "Teach me how to use this one."
"It loaded?"
"It feels like it. It's heavy."
Alucard slid out the clip. "Yeah, they left them both loaded. Hope they didn't have any small children."
"I lived here when I was three."
Alucard decided not to reply to that. "Okay. Take the safety off and line up your punk of choice in the sights. When you've got him lined up and your hand's steady, pull the trigger."
Anadale lifted the Casull, but the muzzle kept angling down. Her arms weren't quite strong enough to support the weight. As Deirdre and Bob pounded down the stairs to see what in hell was going on, Alucard took Anadale's hands to steady the gun.
"You see it?" he asked.
"There's one by our car. Bloody hell, he's going to slash our tires!" Anadale snarled and pulled the trigger. Deirdre howled as the gun cracked.
"What in HELL are you doing?" the mystic bellowed.
"Shooting punks," Alucard replied. "One of 'em was about to wreck your car."
"Do you have to shoot punks at night?" Bob wheedled. "I mean, if your guns have silencers, that'd be fine, but they're really loud at the current time."
"Silencers," Alucard mused. "Never thought of that. I guess I never needed them."
"The rest of them are running away," Anadale said. She sounded more then a little disappointed. "You two go back up. We won't play with loud noise makers anymore tonight."
"Yay." Deirdre said loudly.
"I'll get it," she said to Alucard, and slid into the front hallway. She opened the door. "Hello!"
"Ghhaaaaaagh," said the ghoul at the door, spitting on her a little.
Anadale twitched and slammed the door.
The doorbell rang again. Anadale twitched again. She seized her umbrella from the rack by the door, flung the door wide, and beat the ghoul soundly about the head and shoulders before slamming the door again.
"What the hell is that?" Alucard called from the kitchen.
Anadale seethed. "Ugly," she replied.
The doorbell rang once again and Anadale screamed.
Alucard exited the kitchen in time to see Anadale rip the door open and impale the ghoul with a wholly unsettling laugh. It gurgled and collapsed, the pink umbrella still protruding from its chest.
Anadale began to close the door, still madly cackling under her breath. Then something occurred to her.
"Thank you for coming," she sang merrily, and kicked the ghoul off the porch. It rolled down the stairs and landed in the topiary with a series of hideous squelches.
She shut the door, locked it, and beamed at Alucard.
"I don't like people with manners like that. It's midnight, and people are trying to sleep."
Alucard blinked. "So punks like that come to doors all the time, or is that just a fucking stupid exception?"
"Sometimes they break windows," Anadale said. "One once piddled on Deirdre's roses. I beat it to pieces with a rake."
Alucard stared.
"They're only ghouls," Anadale said carelessly. "There are too many of them, anyhow. I can't jolly well let fifty of them piddle in the roses. That's bad for the plants!"
Alucard walked to the window and looked out. He counted ten ghouls lurching around the borders of the Hellsing grounds, and two vampires. His index finger twitched and his face lit up. "Paradise," he said.
"They are rather fun to hit with things," Anadale giggled darkly, leaning on Alucard's shoulder. "They lose limbs if you use a pointy hoe."
Alucard's demented grin gained a tinge of bliss as he looked at Anadale. "Fuck it, you're too good to be true."
"Most people say I'm horrid," Anadale said.
"Most people are dumb-asses."
"True, that."
Alucard put his arm around Anadale's waist and pulled her close. "You know how to use a gun?"
"I once put a ghoul's eye out with a thumbtack and a slingshot," she replied.
"Speaking of guns, is the whacking great black one in the liquor cupboard yours?"
"The Jackal's in the liquor cabinet?"
"The Jackal is the whacking great black gun that says 'Jesus Christ is in Heaven', is it?"
"That's it."
"Yes. It's between the Kahlua and the Bailey's. I put it there. It was wedged in the crisper of the refrigerator before, under some mouldy old collard greens."
"Who the hell put it there?"
"Probably Mumsy. Daddy bought this place because it had history. I bought it from them because they're utter dunderheads." Anadale wandered over to the liquor cabinet and removed the Jackal, careful not to knock over the Bailey's, because Deirdre would be upset if she did. She set the Jackal on the sofa, took the other gun she'd found out of the china cabinet, and carried them both to Alucard. This was rather difficult, but she decided it constituted a nice workout.
"Here we are," she said. Alucard took the Jackal from her.
"Man, it's been a while," he said, examining it. 'Wonder if I'm rusty."
He slid the clip out of the Jackal. Still full. They hadn't stolen his ammunition. Taking the safety off, he slid open the window and took aim at a ghoul piddling on a yew bush.
"Oh, heavens," Anadale snorted. "They're so bloody stupid! Make it stop that."
Alucard did so. He pulled the trigger, and the ghoul disintegrated into ash. From upstairs came a great ruckus.
"That better be good for plants," Anadale said.
"It is. Nutrients."
"All right, then." Anadale held up the Casull. "Teach me how to use this one."
"It loaded?"
"It feels like it. It's heavy."
Alucard slid out the clip. "Yeah, they left them both loaded. Hope they didn't have any small children."
"I lived here when I was three."
Alucard decided not to reply to that. "Okay. Take the safety off and line up your punk of choice in the sights. When you've got him lined up and your hand's steady, pull the trigger."
Anadale lifted the Casull, but the muzzle kept angling down. Her arms weren't quite strong enough to support the weight. As Deirdre and Bob pounded down the stairs to see what in hell was going on, Alucard took Anadale's hands to steady the gun.
"You see it?" he asked.
"There's one by our car. Bloody hell, he's going to slash our tires!" Anadale snarled and pulled the trigger. Deirdre howled as the gun cracked.
"What in HELL are you doing?" the mystic bellowed.
"Shooting punks," Alucard replied. "One of 'em was about to wreck your car."
"Do you have to shoot punks at night?" Bob wheedled. "I mean, if your guns have silencers, that'd be fine, but they're really loud at the current time."
"Silencers," Alucard mused. "Never thought of that. I guess I never needed them."
"The rest of them are running away," Anadale said. She sounded more then a little disappointed. "You two go back up. We won't play with loud noise makers anymore tonight."
"Yay." Deirdre said loudly.