Author's note:

Well hello there, it's been a minute or five (years). I am back and much better writer than before! I just wanna say a quick thing before starting, please do read.

This chapter does not really reflect on what the rest of the story is going to be. Lily is a widow, and after three years she's finally ready to make sure that is not the main thing that defines her. I needed to introduce her life and background story, as they are key elements to the specific Lily character in this story. This story is about her. Of course, the beloved James Potter will become the #1 theme in this story because a huge part of life is love and this is a romance fic. But, it is still her story. I could not deliver an appropriate first-person diary-style story without introducing her character and background story without introducing something as big as a new love interest and with a bit of an awkward start, after all this is her first time writing in a diary. So do not fret! The rest of the chapters will be dramatic, and funny and yes sometimes sad but a lot more eventful than this one. So that's why there is a lack of the handsome and charming James Potter in this chapter. He'll be coming to you really really soon, I promise! Enjoy the read. :)

Monday, September 3rd | 11:28 PM | My room

Dear Diary,

Is this how I'm supposed to start this? To be quite honest, I've never had a diary before. It's one of those things that I had absolutely no sort of interest in until today. Well, not that I even really have any interest in it today, but I was kind of forced into this whole 'journal' thing by my therapist. She said it might make me feel better, to retell my day, might help me get out of this state in which I feel like my life is just a movie and I am an outsider looking into it. She said I should not only talk about my feelings but also about my day, to get more in touch with my reality.

So I guess I should start with explaining then, right? Just who I am. My name is Lily Evans, I am twenty-four years old, I live in London, I absolutely adore cats, I work at a coffee shop and I am a widow. Yeah, just like that, I guess. I told you I have no experience with 'journaling' (as my therapist insisted I call it, I guess 'diary' sounds too childish for her). So I'm sorry if I am overly blunt about it, I really don't know what other way to announce that fun fact about me.

Being a widow is awkward, there is absolutely no way to say it without making people uncomfortable. I guess that's why I avoid meeting very many new people at any sort of personal level. It makes 'tell me about you's turn very awkward very quickly. But, even though both the other person and I want to just leave it at that, I inevitably need to explain, don't I? Because you can't just say "yeah my husband died" without giving at least a brief explanation. So, I guess now I have to explain that.

I have not been a widow my whole life. Yes, I know, obviously. But I still feel the need to throw it out there. Being a widow has become a sort of staple in my life, something people label me as, a big part of my identity. It is hard to imagine a life without being a widow, as it is what I have been for the past three years. Yes, you read that right. I am twenty-four and I have been a widow for three years. I was one of those girls in your high school that was engaged way before prom and married the second they graduated. Eight days after my diploma came in the mail, to be exact.

Now, my love story was not one that would be deemed as a fairytale. I'd known Noah for a better part of my life. It seemed as though we were made and meant for each other. We were best friends from the time we were only five years old, started dating when we were merely two weird-looking prepubescent thirteen year olds, and got married a few months after our eighteen birthdays. All good so far, right? And I guess it was. It was good, as far as marriage goes. There were ups and downs like in any relationship. But we loved each other, and I guess that's the most important part.

I don't say that our love story is not worthy of a fairytale because it wasn't happy, it really was. I was happy and in love. But it was not exciting or eventful like a fairytale, and that was okay. It was my kind of fairytale, where two people were in love and that's all that mattered in the world. Like all good things though, it came to an end. Though I did not expect it to end so soon or for our story to be so short. But that's life, full of surprises, not necessarily all good.

It's probably a good thing that I've been able to write about Noah without crying. Although I don't think I am quite ready to delve much more into it even if I am really just talking to myself.

That's the thing with diaries, even though it's me just talking to myself, I still feel as though somehow, the whole world is watching.

Wednesday, September 6th | 7:32 AM | the tube on my way to work

Today I woke up to the oh-so-wonderful noise of Marlene McKinnon having very early morning sex with her on and off boyfriend (?) Sirius Black. Marley is my roommate you see, and while she is wonderful and I adore her to pieces, she is definitely to be not so considerate when indulging in her sexual rendezvous, whatever time they may be at.

So there I was, 6 am, about an hour earlier than my usual wake up time when I have to be at work by 8, covering my ears with a pillow in an effort to drown the traumatizing noises.

They eventually quieted down about half an hour later. At that point I gave up on the extra half hour of sleep I could've possibly had. The upside was that for the first time in my life, I actually had time to make myself breakfast rather than just snatch a banana on my way out. And by making myself some breakfast I mean I poured some cereal into a bowl and ate it dry because Mr. Sirius Black decided to drink all of our bloody milk.

And just as I was cursing Sirius Black's existence in my life, the pair of loud animals in mating season emerged from Marley's room. I, of course, immediately stared them down angrily.

"Sorry, did we wake you up?" Stupid Sirius had the nerve to ask. I didn't even bother answering, I just rolled my eyes and proceeded to stuff my face with some dry cheerios. He seemed to take the hint though, and didn't ask again. He kissed Marley goodbye (and gave her ass a squeeze that I, unfortunately, had to witness) and walked out.

Immediately, Marley's smile changed from dreamy to a please-don't-be-mad-at-me-smile.

But I was already mad.

"I just want to know," I started calmly, fully knowing she was internally groaning already. "Why you have to be so bloody loud so bloody early. I work all day today, I open and close the shop. It would be nice if you'd keep your mating rituals quiet enough so all of London can't hear it."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry." She said, walking closer with that apologetic smile of hers. "It's just so hard to be quiet when he's so good when he eats-"

"Okay, ew." I interrupted, waving my hand in dismissal. "Don't want to know about you and Black's sexual… things."

"Oh come on, it's just sex and you're my best friend-"

"Doesn't mean I have to know every detail of your sex life."

Marley opened her mouth, then closed it again, as if she was going to say something but then took it back.

"What is it?" I asked, giving her a pointed look when she feigned confusion. "You were going to say something and took it back. What is it?"

"You're gonna get mad."

"I will not!" I said, maybe a little bit too quickly. Marley gave me a look and I dropped my spoon, crossing my arms over my chest and turning to face her. "Tell me."

"Only if you promise not to get mad."

"I already told you I wouldn't."

"Fine." She said, biting her bottom lip slightly and sighing, as if she was trying to think of a way to word what she was about to say that wouldn't want to make me strangle her. Here's the catch: I always want to strangle her.

"Do you remember when I lost my virginity?"

I gotta admit, that was definitely not what I was expecting her to say.

"Uh… yes?" I said slowly. "Why does that matter?"

"Well remember when I told you about it?" She asked, rolling her eyes and continuing when her question was received by my blank and confused stare. "We were in the school bathroom, talking about it for hours while we skipped class! I got you to skip class to tell you about how I lost my v-card! And we talked and talked and I told you literally every single detail you could possibly know about Colin Schultz' abilities, or, er, inabilities, in bed."

"I really don't see what you're getting at here." I said, suddenly not interested in my cheerios and I now had an image of sixteen year old Marley having sex with a guy who looked like his balls had probably not even dropped yet.

"My point," She said loudly, grabbing my arms and looking at me from a slightly uncomfortably close angle. "Is that you were so comfortable talking about sex! And you were a virgin then."

"I was a horny teenager, of course I wanted to know everything. But if you haven't noticed, roughly eight years have passed and my "I want to fuck everything" phase is long over."

"Yes but that's exactly what I mean. Your "I want to fuck everything" phase might be gone and that's okay but you haven't fucked anything."

"Excuse me, I have fucked. I'm not a virgin." I firmly stated, knowing very well that is not what she meant.

"Okay but you might as well be. Come on Lil, you've got cobwebs down there and you know it." Okay, ouch.

"Alright so I haven't had sex since Noah, so what? I think it's pretty normal for widows to be celibate for a while."

"I know that." She sighed, dropping her hands that were still holding my arms. "But it's been three years. You need to start opening yourself up. I'm not saying go find some random bloke and shag him. I'm just saying you should be a little bit more open, that's all."

The nerve. "I am plenty open." I huffed, standing up to put my cereal away. "I just haven't met anybody that I've had a connection with. Plus 'I'm a widow' doesn't really resonate too well with most men."

"Lily, I have not seen you get near anybody of the male species in any sort of romantic or sexual way. Of course men you're interested in will be uncomfortable if you mention your dead husband. So don't mention it unless it gets serious." Before I could answer, she'd stood up and started walking towards her room. She stopped and turned back around just as she was about to get in the door. "Just… be open to meeting people, okay? That's all I'm asking. Remember that Noah would want you to be happy."

Wednesday September 26th | 10:14 PM | my room

You know those days when you're just minding your own business, expecting it to be a day exactly like all others, and then life throws you a curveball?

I made my way to work, Marley's words ringing in my ears. I've never necessarily been against ever finding love or passion, or whatever again, I just hadn't really thought about it. I guess I just assumed that chapter of my life was over. Needless to say, I wasn't exactly in the best mood when I arrived to work.

"Hi Alice." I said to my coworker as I walked into Voodoo Café, where I work as a barista/waitress/cashier, I do everything really.

I started working at Voodoo ever since I moved back to London shortly after Noah's passing. Mary knew Alice, and Alice's parents are the owners, and she's the manager, so she hooked me up with the job. Alice is the world's youngest coffee shop manager, or at least the youngest I have ever met. She's only eighteen and has been a manager since she was fifteen. I guess since she grew up at the coffee shop and has been working here since she was a child because of her parents, it's only appropriate that she'd manage the shop even at such a young age.

While I don't always love going to work, Voodoo is still one of my favorite places in the world. Firstly, it has a wall covered by a giant bookshelf, which in and of itself just does it for me. It is decorated with all things magical, cauldrons, wands, witch hats, etc. The magic essence of the place is incorporated so well into everything that it gives a very 'at home' feeling, at least to me.

Alice did not respond to my greeting, she merely looked up and flashed me a quick half-smile. Huh, that's odd.

"Uh, everything good?" I asked, walking behind the register to where she was.

"No," She sighed, turning around to face me. "I need to tell you something."

"Wow, you're scaring me now." I said, pulling on my apron "Shoot."

"Well, there's good new and bad news-"

"Bad news first. Always." I said without hesitation.

She looked at me and opened her mouth, then closed it again. She let out a long sigh and shook her head. "My parents are selling the cafe."

"Wait, what?" I blurted out, not really processing anything properly at this point. They were selling the cafe? As in, getting rid of it? New owners? New management? The end of Voodoo? I had a lot of questions, and I made sure to ask them all.

"Okay, relax." Alice said, putting a hand up to stop me from asking any more questions. "Too many questions. Okay." She sighed, putting her hand down. "Yes, they are selling the cafe. They want to move back to Ireland. And since I'm starting American uni in Spring they don't want me to just stay here. Which I guess I get but it's still sucks… I've just been managing here for so long, you know?"

I nodded slowly, not really knowing how to wrap my head around it. I mean, this place had seen me grow and heal the past three years. I went from someone that would come here with puffy eyelids and a completely dead personality to a somewhat healed person. Of course, I still cry. I still have bad days. But I can get up from my bed and go to work and enjoy small things in life sometimes, even if depression does catch up with me quite often. And let me tell you, when you lose the person you love most in this world, being able to get out of bed and be happy even for a minute is a complete success. I didn't want to let go of the place that had seen me heal.

"But I do have good news." Alice said, snapping me out of my self-pity thoughts. "Since I'm stepping down, we need a new manager."

I groaned, rolling my eyes. "How in the bloody hell is that good news? I'm gonna have to learn how to deal with someone new! Oh god I'm really not looking forward to this?"

She laughed, shaking her head in disbelief. "You're silly." She said, to which I responded by huffing as I started preparing everything to open the shop.

"Lily," She started, giving me a pointed look that made me stop what I was doing. "You're not wrong, you are gonna have to deal with new people. As the manager."

I stared at her blankly. It took me quite a bit of time to be able to process what she was saying.

My first reaction was to protest. Me? I can't manage! I would mess everything up! I made sure to tell Alice exactly that.

"Oh, come on!" She said, rolling her eyes. "You can't possibly be that surprised? I mean, if not you then who else? You're the one who's been working here the longest. You love this place and you know everything there is to know about it like the back of your hand."

And well... I guess it did make sense. I am the worker that had been there the longest and I definitely did know all the ins and outs of the place. But still, managing is a huge responsibility that I have absolutely no experience with. I told her this, too.

"I understand that." She said. "But you won't be alone. I'll only be here for another week. After that, a family friend who apparently has a lot of experience managing will come in and take over as well, so you will both be co-managers. I think it'll work, dad says he's pretty knowledgeable and it will be good to have one person that knows the shop well and another that knows management already."

I nodded slowly, trying to wrap my head around the conversation I had just taken part in. Honestly, it's kind of hard to. The rest of my day was as normal as it could be, though I had now had two conversations in one day that had made me rethink my whole life.

I definitely do not feel prepared for this, but I guess it's a step in the right direction. Managing means more working hours and a better pay. Maybe I can finally get a cat. Ugh, at this point I really don't know what I'm doing. I guess I'm just trying to continue moving on with life. That's all I seem to do, just move. There doesn't seem to be an end goal or a finish line, it's just moving forward, trying to take it day by day. That's sort of depressing, if I'm being quite honest. But c'est la vie, I guess.

I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now I've really had a weird -

…

Why the hell is Marley knocking on my door at this hour?

approximately half an hour later

As I went over to open the door, expecting Marley to be in tears over how her and Black decided to split again because that's the only logical explanation as though why she was knocking on my door past 10 PM on a weekday, I was a bit surprised when I saw her smiling as she barged in. Of course, I was glad my best friend was not upset, but I was slightly annoyed to be bothered so late for a non-emergency reason after working all day and being rudely awoken by her this morning as well. But I let her in and closed the door behind her.

"Uh, hullo." I said, sitting on the edge of my bed.

"Hello!" She said cheerfully, throwing herself on my bed. "Have I ever told you how much I love you, Lil? You truly are the bestest friend in the whole wide world, when you're not being grumpy, that is."

Oh, okay. She wanted something.

"What is it?" I asked, rolling my eyes slightly. "And no, I am absolutely not going to go to a strip club with you, stop asking."

She laughed, shaking her head as she moved over to lay her head on my lap. "No, not that! Though that would be pretty awesome if you did. I was gonna ask you for something else. Something you will definitely not want to do," She put her hand up to stop be from talking and sped up her little monologue "But I think it's a wonderful idea! And listen before you say anything, you don't even know what it is!" She stopped for a second and grinned up at me. "Sirius is throwing a house party Friday night. I want you to come with me."

"Marley I don't -"

"Shh! I'm not done! I need to tell you before you can protest why you are coming, even if you really don't want to." She sat back up, crossed legged on my bed and took my hands. "You know what we talked about this morning? Well, I know you, and I know that no matter how stubborn you are, deep down you know I am right. You need to start going out and meeting new people. This is the perfect opportunity to do that. I mean, you don't talk to Sirius other than when you run into him in our living room, so you won't know anyone there but us there. You're never seeing any of these people again so there's no pressure. It's a prime chance to meet new people! And definitely not as sexual as a strip club."

I stayed quiet for a second, a bit lost in my own thoughts. I mean, she was right about needing to go out there and be a little bit more open to meeting new people. Even just in a friendly manner, I had hardly met anybody new since Noah's death. Like I said before, 'getting to know you's are very awkward when you're a widow, hence why I try to avoid them.

But even so… a party? I'd never really been much of a party person, not even in my teenage years. To be quite honest, I never understood the appeal of a crowded house with really loud music and a bunch of intoxicated people. Not to say that I've never drank or enjoyed a night out, I used to do both occasionally. I just never really liked big parties, specially with a bunch of people I didn't know.

Even so, I surprised myself with my response.

"Okay." I said slowly after about a minute or two of silence. "I'll go."

"Wait, what?" Marley blurted out, looking at me like I was a complete stranger. "That's it? I didn't have to beg?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed deeply, letting myself fall backwards into my bed.

"Yeah, that's it." I muttered, closing my eyes. "You're right, I do need to get out more. I'm tired of being a widow. I know I can never get rid of that title, but I'm tired of letting it define me, you know? So I'll go. I don't promise you I'll be there long and I will definitely not be shagging, or even kissing anybody, so don't push it. But I guess it would be nice to talk to new people, form some new friendships maybe? And have a bloody drink, because lord knows I need one." I proceeded to briefly explain to her about Voodoo and how Alice's family decided I should be the new manager.

Marley squeaked cheerfully and threw herself on me, hugging me tightly. "Yes, yes, yes! I'm so proud of you! For the manager thing and for saying yes to the party!"

I laughed, finding her enthusiasm funny and a bit adorable. She might be a pain in the arse but Marley has always been my #1 fan. She's been there for me in moments when I thought I was completely alone and even in moments when I thought I needed to be alone. When life is looking like a bit of a mess with so much changing, at least I know that I have a best friend who will always support me no matter what.