The bike ride was my idea; the skinny-dipping however, was not.
"It looks freezing," I said, as Naomi dipped her toe in the lake.
"How can something look freezing" Naomi smirked at me.
"Fine, there's no ice on top" I concede "but I bet you it's freezing"
"Don't fancy going in then?" she suggests, eyebrows wiggling.
"Are you mad? I'll probably catch hypothermia or something" I glance over the side, staring into the murky green water.
"Should've known that goody goody Emily Fitch wouldn't be up for skinny-dipping"
God she infuriates me. Always with the goody goody remarks. I'm sick of being branded good.
Well I'll show her. Hypothermia be damned.
I start pulling my top off and I can see she's watching me. Good. See how she feels being put on the spot for once. After my top is removed I look back over at her.
Her shirt is half over her head and I can't help but stare, her body is amazing. I try to pull myself together.
Come on Emily, jaw off of the floor and stop drooling.
I look away, hoping that she doesn't catch me staring.
Soon we're both down to nothing but our underwear.
She looks at me, daring me with her eyes.
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, jumping into the water. I hear Naomi jump just as I hit the water. At first I don't feel anything then my body starts to register with being in a lake. A really cold lake.
Oh my god it's fucking freezing.
I climb to the side, swearing and gasping for breath.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck" I hear Naomi behind me.
I help pull her out of the water.
"Hate to say I told you so" I say, laughing at the expression on her face.
She doesn't look amused.
I stop laughing slowly. This is when I realize that we are both soaking wet and stripped down to our underwear. I gulp, gazing at her wet body. I know I'm gawping but I can't help it.
Oh god I want to kiss her so much.
Naomi clears her throat.
Shit. Way to be sly Emily.
I tear my eyes away from her chest, glancing up at her face. I can't quite read the expression playing across her features.
"Come on, let's get changed"
She gathers up her clothes and turns her back to me as she changes.
Nice one Emily, I think to myself, she probably thinks your some sort of pervert. I sigh to myself as I turn around and start getting dressed.
It's harder than I thought it would be.
Note to self. Clothes don't slide easily over wet underwear.
My arms are flailing above my head as I struggle to get my shirt over my head. It's stuck over my eyes as I try and dance my way into it. I can hear Naomi giggling.
"Stay still" she laughs as she pulls the shirt down over my head.
"Thanks"
She's looking at me now. I recognize the look in her eye, the same look I gave her minutes before. I smile shyly; her hands are still on the hem of my shirt. She looks into my eyes, as if she is considering something. She bites her lip, letting go of my shirt she walks over to her bike.
I let out the breath I've been holding. What was that about?
I pick up my bag; slinging it over my shoulder I pick my bike up. Naomi is already cycling.
"Hey, wait up" I yell, mounting my bike as I pedal after her.
"Could you be any slower" says Naomi, turning her head back and poking her tongue out at me.
I laugh to myself as I catch up with her.
"Now whose the slow one?"
She laughs back, and we're now in some sort of unspoken race, both trying to out pedal each other.
We reach the top of the hill and both stop, completely out of breath from cycling and laughing.
Exercise and me don't have a very good relationship.
"I'm fucking shattered," wheezes Naomi between laughs.
"Me too, I vote lunch"
I put my bike down on the grass, taking the bag off of my back.
"You brought lunch?" she looks surprised.
"No, I just carry this bag with me because I like the way it weighs me down" I reply sarcastically and she smiles, placing her bike down next to mine.
I start to unpack the sandwiches I made earlier, then the biscuits, then the crisps, then the cakes.
Naomi looks wide-eyed.
I don't blame her I don't remember packing this much stuff. Maybe I went a bit over top.
I survey the lunch.
Okay, a lot over the top.
I pull the rug out of the bottom of the bag, unfolding it for us to sit on.
"Got to come prepared" I say in response to Naomi's expression of amusement.
"You must have been number one brownie in your troop" says Naomi, staring at all that I've brought with me.
"Nope, that would be Katie, she looked better in the skirt apparently" I reply, "Well that and the fact that she wore it about 4 inches higher than everyone else"
We both snigger at this.
"I'm sure you look much better in a skirt"
There she goes again, saying something like that and leaving me unsure of what to say. I quickly put a sandwich in my mouth so I don't have to reply.
Is she flirting with me? Or does she just get a kick out of making me blush?
I look over at her smirking face.
Maybe it's a bit of both.
We sit chatting as we pick at the lunch I've made.
The small talk slowly fades and Naomi stops eating and looks at me.
"So, what's the deal with you and Katie?
I swallow my sandwich.
"What do you mean?" I reply.
"I mean, she treats you like shit, doesn't respect you and moans at you all the time, and you just let her?"
I sigh.
"It's just easier that way?"
"Easier?" Naomi looks sceptical.
"It's always been like that, I'm the shy one, the quiet one, the loser. And Katie, well she's the loud outgoing one who everyone loves and adores"
I pause, trying to read Naomi's expression. She says nothing
"Besides arguing with her is like arguing with a brick wall, it's easier to say nothing" I finish.
She still doesn't say anything. She just looks at me. Then she opens her mouth.
"Well I don't adore Katie"
She starts packing away lunch and it is now my turn to remain silent.
"We better get going, it's getting late"
I nod. Pondering over her words. Does she mean that she adores me?
No.
Surely not.
Just that she doesn't like Katie.
But why not just say, 'I don't like Katie'?
Why did she put so much emphasis on the word Katie, like maybe she felt different about me? Like it was me she adored?
Stop Emily. Stop.
I seem to specialise in over-analysing. Naomi does not feel that way about me I reassure myself. And that is all there is to it.
We continue to chat normally on the way home, like nothing has happened. Naomi goes her way and I go mine. But her words continue to ring in my ears.
"Well I don't adore Katie"
I can't stop thinking about what she said yesterday, how she acted.
Skinny-dipping?
That's got to mean something more than friendship?
Hasn't it?
God. I wish I could turn my brain off. This whole Naomi situation is doing my head in.
I'm Gay.
I love her.
I know that.
But I don't know how she feels about me, if I knew for certain that she just wanted to be friends, then I could stop thinking about it. But every little thing she does drives me crazy with thought.
I just wish it were easy. She either likes me back or she doesn't, so why is it so complicated?
I'm sat next to her at the moment, last lesson of the day, listening to the teacher chatter on about some student president elections.
I smile, knowing the perfect candidate.
I nudge Naomi, motioning to her that she should go for it. She frowns at me, shaking her head.
The teacher continues to talk.
I nudge her again mouthing 'Why?' at her.
The teacher frowns at us, so we both stop talking.
Finally he stops talking and sets us up on some work. As soon as his back is turned I face Naomi.
"Oh come on Naomi, you'd be perfect for it" I whisper to her.
"Pfff, like I want to make and idiot of myself in front of the whole college"
"I thought you didn't care about what other people thought…"
"You girls in the corner, quiet"
We both return to our work, after a few minutes I turn to her again.
Before I can open her mouth she cuts me off.
"Look Ems, thanks for thinking I can do it, but I'm not going to, so you're wasting your time trying to convince me" she whispers fiercely turning back to her work.
I don't bother her about it again, but I just know that she would be perfect for it. She's the only one round here who would give a shit and take it seriously.
I'll try again later, I think to myself as I look back down at my work. By work I mean blank piece of paper. I stare at the clock, willing the lesson to be over, so I can talk to Naomi again.
I never could stand history, the only thing that made it bearable was sitting with Naomi, but she's entranced in her work. I busy myself with trying to figure out the best way to convince Naomi to run for student president.
Finally, after what seems like forever, the bell goes and the lesson is over.
I decide that talking to Naomi would be the best way to convince her, but she's already rushing off.
"Where are you going?" I call after her.
"I've got loads of stuff to show my politics teacher" she says motioning to the folder in her hand as she walks further down the corridor.
"See you later then," I say to myself. Slowly packing my things away, I leave the classroom.
I'm halfway home when I feel someone tapping on my shoulder. I turn round, hoping its Naomi.
It's not.
"Oh, hi Freddie" I say, trying not to sound disappointed but unsure as to why he was tapping my shoulder. I don't really know him that well.
"Hey Emily" he seems just as unsure as I am. We walk in silence for a bit.
"Look I was hoping that you wouldn't mind showing me where you live, it's just that me and Katie are going out tonight but I don't really know where to pick her up from"
I'm confused.
"Your going out with Katie?"
"Yeah" he says, looking slightly pleased with himself.
"But I thought you and Effy, were, you know…"
He looks down at his feet.
"So did I, but hey, apparently not"
"What happened?" I ask, confused.
"I told her I loved her, and she's still with Cook"
"You told her you love her?" I can't keep the shock out of my voice.
He smiles sadly.
"You love someone, you owe it to them and yourself to tell them"
He sees the look on my face.
"At least then you know you've done all you can"
He sighs as I mull over his words. Maybe he's right. If I tell Naomi then at least I've done my bit, after that it'll be up to her. Then maybe I'll be able to stop thinking about her.
If I tell her I love her then it's her decision.
Simple.
I feel relieved just thinking about it, that's exactly what I'll do.
"Look there's something I have to go do," I say after more thought.
Freddie nods like he understands; maybe he does, after all he has been hanging around with Effy and god that girl doesn't miss a thing.
I give him directions to my house and then we go our separate ways as I plan what I'm going to say to Naomi.
I knock on Naomi's door. It isn't her who answers; it's her mum. Well I think it's her mum.
Floral skirt. 'Make tea not war' t-shirt. Flower in her hair.
It must be her mum.
"Hello can I help you?" she says with a warm smile.
"Hi I'm Emily, a friend of Naomi's, is she in?" I say, peeking round her to try and catch a glimpse of the familiar blonde.
"Well hello, I'm Yvonne, Naomi's mother, she's still at college as far as I know, should be back soon though so why don't you got and wait in her room"
I smile at her gratefully as she shows me to Naomi's room.
I look slowly around as she closes the door behind her.
It's everything that Naomi's room should be.
Posters scattered across the walls of political figures ranging from Nelson Mandela to Alexandra Kollontai.
A drawing board with leaflets about protests and pressure groups pinned to it.
Her clothes neatly hung in her wardrobe.
It really oozes Naomi-ness.
I sit back on her bed, wondering how long it will be before she gets here. I start rehearsing what I'm going to say and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have no idea.
How do you tell someone you love them?
Maybe this is a bad idea. I start talking myself out of it and I'm tempted to get up and leave.
Before I can even get off of the bed Naomi is at the door, she looks bemused. Probably wondering why I'm in her room.
"Your mum let me in" I say by way of explanation.
"She didn't try and poison you with any of her shitty herbal tea did she?" says Naomi, throwing her bag on the floor.
I shake my head, indicating no as I smile at her.
"Look if you're here to try and convince me to do that election you don't need to bother, Kieron persuaded me to do it"
"Oh, okay" I say, a little stunned, but glad she's going to do it.
"If that's all that you wanted then I'm kind of busy, need to plan my campaign.."
I should have told her that yes, that was all I wanted. Should've have told her that I would leave her to her campaign. I should've left before I opened my mouth. Should've left while I still had an easy out.
But no. My mouth betrays me.
"I want you" I stutter the words and Naomi spins round to look at me.
"I thought we sorted this at the club" she looks annoyed, like I'm joking, like it's some silly schoolgirl crush.
I wish I left here. I could've backed out of it. Played it out like it was a joke, but no.
"Iloveyou" I rush the words out but she understands them, I can tell from the astounded look on her face.
"Shit, fuck, sorry" I look down at my feet. She doesn't say anything. Not one word.
"I'll go"
She nods at me. That's it; I tell her I love her and she fucking nods at me. A nod. One fucking nod. I can't get out of her house quick enough.
I'm pretty sure I've made the situation about ten times worse. Well-done Emily.
Naomi POVWe haven't spoken since she told me she loved me.
That's mostly down to my avoiding her. I can't deal with this right now. I've got my campaign to focus on and if I spend anymore time pondering my feelings for Emily Fitch then I might explode.
At least this campaign is keeping me focused and determined.
I have to beat Cook.
Stupid fucking bet. Literally.
There is no way in hell that I'm going to sleep with him.
I arrive at school to see him standing on the roof, it's the last day of the election.
"Oh god" I cycle next to Freddie. We both stare up at Cook.
"Whose up there with him?" I ask, glancing up at the figure next to Cook.
"JJ", Freddie replies not looking happy.
He shakes his head in dismay.
"I think I lost him"
"JJ?" I question, not entirely sure who he means.
"Yeah, him too"
It clicks in my head. Cook.
"Is this about Effy?" I ask, failing to see how it can be about anything else.
"That obvious is it?"
I bite back a reply of 'yes'.
"So tell her?" I suggest.
"I did" he pauses "It should make a difference when someone loves you shouldn't it?"
He gives a fleeting glance at Cook and then walks off.
I muse over his words. Thinking back to what Emily said, she loves me, yet I still made the bet with Cook. It should have made a difference. I should've made it make a difference, but no, I've been ignoring her.
I walk slowly up the stairs; I've got some thinking to do.
Should it make a difference?
I can see the regret in the principal's face before he even reads out the winner's name. Here we are, all gathered in the sports hall, waiting to find out who the new student president is.
But I already know. His face says it all. He regrets letting Cook join the elections just as much as I regret making that bet.
A bet that I will shortly have to fulfill.
The principal begins his announcement.
"Roundview's new student president is…" he pauses, for effect I presume "Cook" he ends flatly as Cook takes to the stage dancing around and promising more fucking for all.
I groan inwardly.
A bet is indeed a bet.
Better get this over with.
Looking around me I hit the fire alarm, I can see Cook smirking as I do it. Oh god, I'm actually going to do this.
I feel sick at the thought.
There is mayhem as the noise blares in everyone's ears. Chaos as students rush out, trying to avoid the water that the sprinklers are now showering out of the ceiling.
While everyone panics, I remain rooted to the spot as Cook motions for me to follow him into a now deserted classroom.
"Ready to pay up Blondie"
I bite my lip, knowing that this isn't what I want.
"Do you ever wish things were just simple" I sigh and Cook smirks again.
"Babe this couldn't be easier" he drawls, leaning in to kiss me.
Emily POVI know it's probably just someone messing around with the fire alarm.
I know that your not supposed to go back into the building when the fire alarm is still ringing.
I know that she hasn't spoken to me since I told her that I loved her.
And I know that she probably won't want to see me now.
Despite knowing all of these things, I find my feet carrying me back into the now empty college.
I need to make sure she's alright. Losing the election must have hit her hard.
I feel angry that Cook won, it should've been her. She deserved to win; she put so much effort into it. I could see the passion in her face as she threw her campaign leaflets off of the building. She wanted to win.
But no, Cook, who couldn't give a shit either way, had to win.
I continue to look for her, hoping that she hasn't taken her defeat too hard.
I shake my head, trying to get the wet out of my hair, the sprinklers have turned off but the water vapor hangs in the air.
Then I see her.
Or should I say them.
On the desk, making out, only it looks like they plan on going a whole lot further. I'm stunned, too shocked to move. The tears stream down my face.
She says something to him, I can't hear it and I don't see his reaction but she looks over at the door, and she sees me.
Naomi POV"This isn't right"
I pull away, trying to cover myself. He looks annoyed.
"You made the bet darlin" he sneers.
I can't bear to look at him, I turn my head away and I see her at the door.
Her shock matches mine.
She looks so upset, the tears run freely down her cheeks and she doesn't even try and stop them.
I hate myself.
I scrabble to get up, calling after her, pushing past Cook.
"Ems" I yell.
She keeps walking away.
I shout again and she turns round to face me.
"Let me explain, please" I plead with her. I have to tell her about the bet, about how I wasn't going to go through with it.
But she doesn't give me a chance to speak.
"You don't need to explain anything, I get the message Naomi, I just wish you could've told me in a better way" her voice shakes with anger and hurt as she walks off.
I want to go after her. But I don't.
I walk back to the classroom, and thank fuck, Cook has disappeared. I grab my bag, tugging my shirt round me tightly as I start to exit the college.
It's chaotic outside, students throwing things and shouting as I try to make it down the steps without being knocked over.
I need to get home and shower, I feel so disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I could do something like this, seeing that look on Emily's face was unbearable.
I continue to walk home, trying not to cry as I think about how much I've ruined.
Emily told me she loved me. That must've taken so much courage. Yet I ignored her, I didn't even try to respond or tell her how I felt.
And then I do this? Make a fucking stupid bet that I never wanted to do in the first place?
She probably hates me. She should hate me. I hate me.
When I get home I get straight into the shower but no matter how hard I scrub I can't get rid of the loathing I feel. I can't hold it in anymore, I break down crying.
Crying for the hurt I've caused Emily. Crying because I'm so confused about how I feel that I can't keep my head straight. Crying because there is nothing I can do to fix this, because once again I've screwed up and hurt someone else.
I sit in the shower, sobbing, until the water goes cold.
After I've calmed down I climb out of the shower and get changed. I look outside; it's about 7 or 8. There's no one else home, not mum or her hippy friends, and I don't really feel like moping around the house so I decide to go for a walk and clear my head.
I don't know what time it is when I reach college, maybe 10?
I'm surprised that there are lights still on. I traipse through the discarded campaign leaflets to the main doors. They aren't locked, and then I remember that some teachers are staying to help reorganize the college over the weekend.
I should go somewhere else, but its warm here and I have nowhere else to be.
"Naomi?" I spin round as I open the door trying to see who it was calling my name.
It was Kieron, my politics teacher. I smile slightly, glad to see someone I know.
I walk into the class where he's sitting. He smiles up at me sympathetically.
"Really sorry to hear about your loss today, you deserved to win"
"Thanks" I reply, unsure of what else to say. I thought I deserved to win too, but I didn't say this.
"How come you're here so late?" I ask, not really a fan of small talk.
"Marking to catch up on, and I volunteered to help clean up after the election, it being my idea and all"
"Oh, cool" I reply. What else could I say?
"But why are you here?" he asks smiling, and I begin to ask myself this.
It's weird, but I find myself telling him everything, of course I spare the details about me and Cook, but I feel tell him about Emily and how I always screw everything up. It takes a while to explain it all but it feels good to get the whole thing off of my chest.
"So that's the end of the shittest week of my life" I finish with a sigh.
"So you came here?" says Kieron, walking towards me.
"Ermm, yeah?" I say, not really sure what he's getting at.
"After having such a shit week?"
I nod, baffled.
"To see me" he smiles, as he gets closer to me.
"What?" I'm confused now.
"Because you knew that I could make it better, because you feel the same way" his hand cups my cheek and I pull away in shock.
"What are you doing?" I yell.
"Shh Naomi, don't fight it" he gets closer to me again.
"Get off of me" I say, raising my arm.
"I know you want me"
"You're my teacher, you're old enough to be my dad," I yell.
Finally he backs off.
"I'm going to call the police" I yell as I storm out of the class while he bleats my name, telling me to wait.
Emily POVI'm in her room again. I don't know why.
She hurt me. A lot. I've never been so devastated in my life. Even now if I think about it I get tears in my eyes.
The hurt and pain that she has caused me.
Yet I still love her.
I can't change what I feel for her.
I still want to make sure she's okay.
I still want to be her friend.
Maybe Katie is right; I'm destined to be a doormat for the rest of my life.
I sit on her bed. It was her mum who let me in again, she didn't know where Naomi was, but she said I could wait. This was about an hour ago it's gone half 9 now.
I start to feel tired and lay back on the bed. It smells like Naomi. I bury my head into the pillow, feeling warmth at the familiar scent.
I close my eyes.
When I next open my eyes it's morning, around 7.
Shit.
I fell asleep.
Shit.
I look around. Naomi isn't back.
I don't know whether that's good or bad.
I get up, trying to straighten her bed out as I move down the stairs.
Her mum is in the kitchen.
"Yvonne I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep" I attempt to carry on but Naomi's mother just smiles at me.
"Don't you worry about it"
I smile back at her.
"Did Naomi come back last night?"
Yvonne shakes her head and I nod.
"I should be getting going anyway"
"I'll tell Naomi you were here when she gets back, she probably spent all night out at some political rally," sighs her mother.
"I wouldn't be surprised" I say and we both smile.
I thank her again as I leave, left wondering only one thing.
Where the fuck is Naomi?
Naomi POVWhere the fuck am I?
I sit up and look around, wiping my eyes. I can see Effy and Pandora, they look at me, both smiling and I start to remember last night.
I remember running back from college crying my eyes out with no place to go. I remember them seeing me, getting me to slow down.
I don't remember going back to Effy's, but I do remember telling them everything.
Me and Emily. Me and Cook. Me and Kieron. God I sound like a slut.
"Are you okay?" Effy interrupts my thoughts.
"Yeah" I say slowly, trying to figure out whether I am or not.
"You looked well not okay last night, I was super worried wasn't I Effy?" says Pandora, looking at me curiously.
I smile at her.
"I'm okay now, I've just got, some stuff to sort" I sigh; I have to talk to Emily. I get up to go.
"Thanks though, I really appreciate this" I say to them both. I've never really had friends before and I'd never considered myself that close to Effy or Pandora, but now I felt like we shared a bond. I'd opened up to them, and they hadn't rejected me. It felt good.
They both wave me off at the door as I leave, Effy wishing me luck and Pandora looking confused as ever.
When I got home Yvonne, I never call her mum, was just about to go out. She stood in the doorway as I brushed past her.
"Naomi, I'm not stupid"
I turned to face her, halfway up the stairs.
"I beg to differ" I muttered under my breath.
"Emily seems nice"
"Yeah, and?" I really didn't want to go into this with her.
"So don't screw her up"
"Why would I screw her up?" I reply, raising my voice as I get angry.
"She likes you, she was here and she didn't look happy. What did you do?" she says, accusingly.
"Why would you assume that it was me who had done something?" I reply, tears threatening at my eyes.
"Wasn't it?" she asks in a knowing tone.
I turn and run up the rest of the stairs as she leaves the house.
I start crying again, I stomp into my room.
Why do I always screw things up? Why did I have to screw her up? Why did I have to mess up our chance of being together?
I saw a note on my bed.
'Emily slept here – Y'
I crunched it up, feeling worse than before.
She'd been here; she'd come to find me after all I'd done to her. I cried harder. Sobbing into my pillow.
It was only when I'd calmed down did I realize what I had to do.
I have to see her. I have to make things right. Tell her how I feel. Tell her how sorry I am, how I want to make things right. How I want to be with her.
I have to tell her, and I hope to god that she listens.
I pick up my phone, dial her number.
I'm surprised when she answers.
I don't know what to say. We're not exactly on good terms. I skip the greeting and get straight to the point.
"Can we go somewhere?"
"Where?" her voice gives away no emotion.
"Anywhere"
We agree to meet in the woods. Where just days ago we'd been so happy together.
Until I fucked it all up.
It's getting dark now and I'm still alone. Maybe she's not coming, I wouldn't blame her. I wouldn't even talk to me if I were her.
But then, that's the point. She's not me. If she were, she would have given up long ago. Left me to be alone. Alone like I am now.
I was so sure she wouldn't show that I'm getting read to leave, but then I see her; she walks towards me, her face blank.
She stands in front of me.
"You wanted to talk"
I nod.
"So talk"
I've never seen her like this before, so direct and seemingly uncaring.
"Sorry"
She waits. But I can't find any other words.
"Sorry? That's it? That's all you have to say?" her voice rises in pitch, she sounds more upset than angry.
"I can't do this" I reply, because I can't. I can't bear to see her so upset because it's killing me on the inside.
I turn to walk away.
"Fine, I'll talk then" she shouts as she walks behind me.
"I think what you did, was really shitty. You knew full well how I felt and you didn't care, you didn't want to care, like you don't want to care about anyone"
I keep walking, her words hurting me, but I don't turn around.
"You just push everyone away so that you don't have to feel for anyone, you just hate everyone until they leave you alone, and then you can tell yourself your happy"
Tears sting at my eyes and I'm determined not to cry.
It starts to rain.
I walk faster, trying to escape the harsh truth of her words.
"But I know your lonely, I think you need someone to want you"
I turn around, wishing she would stop.
"I do want you"
I stare at her. After everything I've put her through I'm shocked that she could still want me. I've never told her how I felt but she's never been anything but honest with me, and she's never stopped trying.
She never stopped caring even though I didn't tell her that kissing her was one of the best feelings of my life, that I blamed it on the drugs because I was scared that she wouldn't want me afterwards.
She still wants me despite the fact that I never told her how she was the only person I'd ever felt truly close to.
She loves me and I've never even told her how amazing she is, how beautiful she looks, how she's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I've never told her that I love her, I'd never realized it before now.
We walk towards each other; I collapse into her arms and she holds onto me while I cry.
All these things I need to tell her, but I can't, not right now. Right now I just want to think about her arms around me and how long I've denied myself this for. I try to talk, the word sorry falling out of my mouth over and over again. She soothes me, telling me to be quiet and calm down. I smile, burying myself in her neck.
It's night now, officially dark.
We're sat by a fire that Emily made, knew she was the number one brownie, and moaning about the rain.
It's only just stopped and has left both of us soaking wet.
I smile to myself, watching Emily prodding the fire. She looks so beautiful, no make up on, hair a mess and eyes perfectly still.
I lean towards her.
"What are you.." I cut her off with my lips, pressing them gently against hers. It feels so right to kiss her. She's hesitant, slowly responding to my tongue in her mouth before she pulls away.
"You don't have to do this" she says slowly "if you want to just be friends I can be okay with that, you don't need to kiss me to keep me close" she says, a hint of sadness in her voice.
"I know I don't have to kiss you" I say, feeling guilty that she could think I was doing this just to keep her happy.
She nods, still looking sad.
"But I want to" I say, gently cupping her face with my hands. A shocked smile spreads across her face.
"Are you sure?"
There are no more words for a long while after that. Just kisses of lust and passion. Her fingers dancing across my skin. My body pressed against hers. Our lips locked together. I could stay like this forever.
We stop kissing and she lies in my arms, the fire still going strong she's surprisingly warm.
I kiss the top of her head.
"Ems"
She looks up at me.
"I.." I pause, realizing how hard this is. I take a deep breath, she needs to know.
"I'm sorry. For all of this. Everything I've put you through. Sorry that it took me so long to figure out what I wanted. What I want. And that's you. Ems, you make me happier than anyone else ever has"
"Get to the point" she says cheekily and I giggle, slapping her arm. She can obviously tell that I'm not comfortable with big loving speeches.
I take another deep breath.
"I love you"
She smiles, kissing me gently, obviously touched by my words.
"Love you too"
I smile.
Because it does make a difference.