A Jumble of Feelings

The air blew through her hair as she zoomed around the expansive backyard. She wanted to try a few new moves she'd heard about from her Uncle Ron, but Ginny was down on the ground watching her and had given Lily strict orders to play it safe.

In two months, flying had solidified as Lily's favorite activity – to the point that she avoided mischief that she worried would result in another restriction from her broom. Indeed, it was the only reason she 'played it safe' now as her mother watched on.

Lily found it odd that her mom would be overprotective about her flying when she'd been a quidditch player while at Hogwarts. Ginny had even told Lily about the seven years she played for the Holyhead Harpies. Harry was more laid back, and tended to allow Lily to be more adventurous on her broom. She'd heard all about his time on the Gryffindor quidditch team, too. "The youngest seeker in a century," Ron had told her on more than one occasion. He loved to talk about the adventures they'd had at Hogwarts.

Anyway, as many times as Harry had been hurt or almost hurt playing quidditch, Lily had fully expected Harry to be the stricter one when it came to flying.

"Lily, you're up too high," Ginny called out, interrupting the girl's thoughts.

Lily glanced down and huffed in frustration. "Muuuuuum!" came a whine. "I'm barely off the ground!"

"You're a good fifty feet in the air," Ginny countered. "Come down so you aren't flying higher than the house."

"Why? It's not like any muggles can see me…"

"That isn't the point. I asked you to come down a bit, and you need to mind me."

"Dad would let me fly higher," she pouted, aware of how petulant she was being.

Ginny's eyes narrowed, and Lily realized too late that she'd gone too far. "Ground. Now." The young mother pointed to a patch of grass in front of her.

"But Mum…"

"Now, Lily."

Sighing, Lily lowered the broom until her feet were firmly on the ground. She dismounted and carried the broom in one hand as she shuffled over to her mother. "Mum, I'm sorry…"

"Apology accepted," Ginny replied. "Go put your broom away. You may fly again tomorrow after I've had a chance to talk to your father."

Lily realized she should have kept her mouth shut about her dad's leniency toward flying. "You don't need to do that, Mum," she said quickly. "I'll stay closer to the ground."

She thought she saw a hint of a grin on Ginny's face. "I have no doubt your father lets you fly like a daredevil. You haven't even started at Hogwarts; you have no business flying like that. Once you've begun flying lessons at school, then you can fly more adventurously at home."

"What if I make it on the house quidditch team?" Lily knew she wouldn't be allowed to take her broom to Hogwarts her first year – Harry and Ginny had already explained that much – but if she made it on the house team before flying lessons were completed, they'd have to let her do more on a broom.

"First years don't typically make it on the house teams," Ginny reminded her daughter.

"Dad did."

"Your father was a natural when it comes to flying, love."

Lily frowned slightly. "Dad says I'm a natural, too."

Ginny kissed her daughter's forehead and offered a smile. "You are. If you want to try out for the house team at Hogwarts, your dad and I will support you 100%. I just don't want you to be disappointed if you don't make the team this year." Ginny put an arm around Lily and guided her into the house. "Put your broom away and go wash up. Your aunt, uncle, and cousins are coming for dinner in an hour, and you're all dirty from flying."

"Which ones?" Lily asked as she stored her broom in the closet. With her mother having so many siblings, there were several possibilities.

"Your Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron."

Lily liked Hermione and Ron, but Rosie and Hugo were so much younger than she was. It wasn't the same as when she and Maddy got together. Even Emme and Sebastien were easier to relate to. It wasn't that she didn't like little kids. Lily did like her little cousins, but she hadn't spent much time around younger children growing up. Rosie liked to be entertained and Hugo got into everything, and it was quite exhausting when anyone asked her to keep an eye on them, even for a moment or two.

Hermione was easily the more serious of the two, but Lily got along with her splendidly. It seemed to please Hermione that Lily loved to read. Of course, Lily felt a special connection to Hermione since the woman had been one of the people (along with Remus) to retrieve her from Florida back in the late spring.

Ron was fun. Despite being a dad, he was goofy and told the best stories about her parents when they were younger. The way Ron told it, he, Hermione, and Harry had had all sorts of grand adventures during their years at Hogwarts. Flying cars, sorcerers' stones, fighting off Voldemort time and time again…

"I'm not that dirty," she argued as she tried to run a hand through her tangled, windblown hair.

"Bath and clean clothes, please," Ginny insisted. "Your father will be home soon."

Lily grumbled softly, but headed up to her room to grab some fresh clothes before entering the bathroom.

Thirty minutes later, Lily emerged from the bathroom, clean and presentable. Her dark red hair cascaded down her back in loose curls – soft, shiny, and smelling of cherries and almonds.

She had changed into a summer dress. Lily knew the adults would be wearing robes, but apparently it was normal for magical kids to wear muggle clothing when they weren't at Hogwarts. In fact, she could've worn jeans and a t-shirt, but Lily liked wearing skirts and dresses. She was a bit of a girly-girl in that respect.

Descending the stairs, she found Ginny preparing dinner in the kitchen. Monitoring dinner would have been more accurate, since the kitchen utensils were moving of their own accord. It amazed Lily to watch her mother prepare meals without getting a single finger dirty. According to Harry, Ginny had learned her cooking skills from Grandma Weasley.

Glancing over her shoulder, Ginny offered her daughter a warm smile. "You look lovely, Lily. Would you please set the table?"

Lily collected plates from the cupboard and carried them into the dining room. "Is Dad home yet?"

"He'll be here any moment."

As if on cue, the fire roared from the floo in the next room and moments later, Harry entered the kitchen. He greeted Ginny with a kiss and smiled as Lily came back into the room.

"Hi, Dad!" she greeted, giving him a hug as her mother returned to her meal preparations.

"Hello, love," he replied as he kissed the top of her head. "How was your day?"

"Good." She let go of him and stepped back so she could see his face. "I flew for a little bit."

He chuckled. "Did you, now? Somehow that doesn't surprise me. Have you had your fill of flying for today, then? I half expected to come home to find you still out on your broom."

"I wanted to, but Mum made me get off. She said I was flying too high, and that she needed to talk to you." Just then, a thought occurred to Lily. "Hey, do you think you and Mum could talk right now so I could fly some more after dinner?"

Ginny turned from the stove at once. "Lily, I already told you that you may fly again tomorrow," she reminded the eleven-year-old in a firm tone. "You're finished flying for tonight."

She hadn't expected her idea to be shot down so quickly, or at all, really. "But Mum, you said that I had to wait until after you and Dad talked. If you two talk right now, then there's no reason why I couldn't go back out on my broom tonight!" It made sense, and it was what Ginny had wanted in the first place, right? To talk to Harry about flying rules?

"The answer is no, Lily."

Lily, who had felt quite calm before, found herself suddenly frustrated. "But that's not fair!" Lily stomped her foot hard on the ground.

"Lily Luna, that is quite enough."

"You aren't being fair!" she shouted, ignoring the warning in her mother's voice. She knew she shouldn't, that Ginny would only be displeased with such an outburst, but she couldn't help herself. It just wasn't fair.

Ginny's eyes narrowed, and Lily wondered if she'd pushed her mother too far, but before the woman could open her mouth a calm voice said from behind Lily, "Go up to your room, please."

She spun around, still frustrated in spite of his lack of ire. "But Dad..."

"Now, Lily," he said in the same voice.

Beyond irritated and filled with a fire she couldn't explain, Lily screamed and stomped through the house, up the stairs and into her room, where she proceeded to slam her door with gusto.

Ginny made to follow her, but Harry placed a hand on her shoulder, halting her movement. "Allow me," he told his wife. When she nodded in agreement, he turned and followed his daughter's path up to her room.

He found her face down on her bed. The rapid rise and fall of her back indicated she was still worked up. "Sit up, please," Harry told her in that calm voice, sitting near her feet. A simple wave of his wand closed the door. Another flick ensured their conversation would not be overheard. Seconds passed, but Lily didn't make any move to follow the directions. Reaching over, Harry landed a sharp smack on her upturned bottom. Ignoring Lily's indignant shriek, he said once again, "Sit up, please."

This time, the girl slowly twisted and turned until she was seated near the head of the bed. She stared at her father with watery eyes, worried for the first time that night that she might have earned herself more than a single smack.

"You have two choices, Lily," Harry continued once he knew he had her undivided attention. "You can calm yourself out of this fit, or you and I can have a discussion about respect."

"But Mum's not being fair," Lily protested, her voice losing a bit of steam. It was hard to be irate with her father when he wasn't raising his voice or showing any hint of frustration himself. "I wasn't doing anything on my broom that you don't let me do when you're watching me."

"Just because I'm more comfortable with letting you test out moves on your broom doesn't mean your mother shares that level of comfort, Lily. It's more than fair for her and I to come to an agreement of sorts regarding broom rules before you go flying again."

"But if you talked about it now, then technically I could go tonight…"

"Except your mum said no. 'No' does not mean maybe, it means no. Arguing with your mum about it won't change that no into a yes, but it could lose you flying privileges for a bit."

And just like that, the fury returned. She didn't know what was going on with her, or why she felt so angry and frustrated, especially when Harry was being so calm, and she knew it wouldn't end well for her but she couldn't help herself. She picked up one of her pillows and sent it hurling across the room with a scream.

Wordlessly Harry reached over and grasped Lily's hand, pulling her off the bed. He wasted no time in settling her across his lap, still not speaking. When he lifted the skirt of her dress out of the way, Lily sobered up quickly.

"No, Dad, don't!" she exclaimed quickly, trying to push herself up. "I'm sorry, I'll calm down now."

Harry responded by wrapping his arm snugly around her waist and letting his hand fall sharply upon her bottom.

"Ow! Dad, please stop…"

He let his hand do the talking. Lily had been disrespectful and was throwing a tantrum worthy of a toddler, but Harry also knew that she had a lot of pent up frustration. Whether it was a natural part of her adolescence or something else that was bothering her, he wasn't sure, but if he didn't get her to let it out it would just grow until it exploded. They'd already gone through weeks in the beginning of Lily's behavior spiraling out of control. Harry wasn't about to allow that to happen again if he could help it. Speaking to her calmly and rationally hadn't worked, so he figured maybe this would.

It was hard, listening to the sniffles that had begun as he continued to pepper her bottom with moderately stinging smacks. He wasn't spanking her hard by any stretch of the imagination, but she'd be crying soon nonetheless, and it tore at his heart, knowing he was the one who would cause her tears. The only proper smacking she'd received since coming to Serenity House had been the morning after she'd ran away and Ginny had been the one to handle that punishment. It was Harry's first time giving the girl an actual spanking, and he absolutely hated the task.

He hadn't kept count of how many smacks he'd doled out, but he could tell even through her panties that her bottom was a respectable shade of pink. The eleven-year-old had worn herself out, and had become still across his lap other than the shaking of her torso from her sobs. Harry righted her dress before moving his hand to rub gentle circles on her back. He didn't say anything then, either. He wanted to give her a chance to calm down before trying to talk to her again.

It took a few minutes before Lily's sobs had subsided and she was just sniffling with the occasional hiccup. Only then did he lift her up and settle her on his lap, pulling her to his chest in a comforting hug. Lily clung to him like her life depended on it, and they sat that way for several more minutes. Harry had begun to suspect that Lily had fallen asleep when he heard a soft, "I'm sorry," muffled in his chest. He kissed the top of her head and shifted her just enough so that he could see her face.

"Calm now?" he asked her gently.

Lily nodded. "I'm sorry," she repeated, looking positively ashamed over her behavior.

"I know you are, love. All is forgiven. Would you like to talk about why you were so upset? I know you don't feel that your mum is being fair, but I can tell it was something more than that. It isn't like you to throw an all out temper tantrum."

His voice was soft, but she blushed profusely at the memory. "I don't know," Lily murmured, feeling an overwhelming amount of embarrassment. "I just felt so angry… and I knew that you and Mum would be cross with me and that I'd be in trouble but part of me didn't care. I really am sorry!"

"I know. There's no more need for apologies, other than the one you owe your mother. I know you aren't going to be happy about this, either, but your broom is staying on the ground for the next two days."

Harry expected Lily to be at least a little angry. He expected some sort of resistance on her part.

He didn't expect for her to burst into tears and bury her face in his robes.

"Oh, love…" Harry wrapped his arms back around her and held her close. He rocked his body gently from side to side, trying to soothe her. Her behavior was absolutely baffling him. Something else must be going on, he knew it with certainty, but what that something was, he couldn't say. She wasn't offering up any hints, either.

He ran his fingers through her hair. "Please talk to me, Lily. I don't know what's going on, and I can't help you unless you tell me."

She sobbed out a response, but as her face was still buried in his robes it came out muffled and garbled and Harry couldn't make out a single word. "All right, all right," he soothed, rubbing her back. "Calm down first, and then you can tell me."

It took several minutes, but the rocking and back rubs and soothing murmurs eventually calmed Lily. Sniffling, she turned her head to the side and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She felt her dad press a kiss to the top of her head, and she sniffled again, but the tears remained at bay.

"Now, what is going on?"

She wouldn't look at him, or even lift her head from his chest, but at least he could hear her this time. "I made you and Mum angry, and I made a mess of things all because I was angry and I don't even know why I was angry and now I can't fly for two days and flying is the one thing that helps me feel better when I start to get frustrated," she rushed out in one long sentence.

Harry was no closer to understanding why Lily had felt so angry, but at least now he understood the latest set of tears. "Sit up and look at me, Lily, all right?" He waited patiently for his daughter to let go and straighten up enough that he could see her face. "I'm not angry. I was never angry. Your mother wasn't angry, either. She was frustrated that you were arguing with her over something she'd already said 'no' about, but I know she's not cross with you." He waited a moment, letting that message sink in. "Now, about your feelings of frustration and anger… have you been feeling that way often?"

Lily shrugged her shoulders. "Sometimes. Flying makes me feel better. The wind blowing in my face calms me down."

Her father smiled. "I understand exactly what you're saying. Flying does that for me too. I want you to try something, though, the next time you begin to feel frustrated or angry. I want you to close your eyes and take ten deep breaths. Can you do that?"

"I'll try. What if it doesn't work?"

"Then you come tell me, or you tell your mother, and we'll help you figure something out."

Lily nodded. "Okay. Dad?"

"Yes, love?"

"I don't want to go back downstairs. Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron will be here by now, and then I'll have to apologize to Mum in front of everyone and they'll all know how horribly I behaved."

"Hmm. How about if I let you rest up here for a few minutes, and see if your mother will come up here so you can have some privacy. Would that be better?" Lily nodded at once. "All right, then," Harry agreed, nudging the girl off his lap. "Just relax, and your mum will be up in a moment." He kissed her forehead once more before heading down to the kitchen.

As Lily had predicted, Hermione and Ron were already there, but their two young children were nowhere in sight. Harry greeted his best friends with a hug each. "Where are the kids?"

"Mum's watching them for the evening," Ron said with a grin. "Remus and Tonks are taking Teddy and Maddy to the muggle cinema tonight, and they thought Lily might enjoy going. Do you think she'd be interested?"

"I'm sure she would. Gin, why don't you go ask Lily if she'd like to go? I'll keep an eye on dinner for you."

Normally Ginny would've questioned why they didn't just call Lily downstairs, but the couple shared a look and Ginny understood at once. She smiled and nodded. "Sure. Ron, Hermione, I'll be right back."

When she entered Lily's room seconds half a minute later, her heart broke at the mess that was her daughter. The child's hair was mussed, her face red and splotchy, her eyes puffy from crying. Ginny held open her arms, and within seconds Lily had latched onto her, arms wrapped tight around Ginny's torso and face pressed to her chest. Lily had begun to cry again, but Ginny could still make out her muffled apologies.

Reaching for her wand, Ginny closed the door behind them, casting a silencing charm for good measure, and then summoned the chair from the desk. A flick transfigured the straight-back chair into a comfortable-looking rocking chair. She figured she'd be sitting with Lily for a bit, and although the girl was nearly a teenager, rocking seemed like the best way to calm her. Once she'd safely tucked away her wand, Ginny guided Lily over to the chair and sat, pulling the eleven-year-old onto her lap.

"It's all right now, darling," she murmured, rocking back and forth slowly, her arms holding Lily tight. It pleased her immensely that Lily hadn't pulled away or protested that she was too old to sit on her mother's lap. Ginny would regret not knowing her daughter during Lily's first decade of life for the rest of her life, but perhaps she could make up for some of it before the girl grew too old to be coddled by her mother.

"I'm sorry…" Lily sobbed more clearly, now that her face wasn't completely covered by Ginny's robes.

"I know you are, Lily. There's no need for more apologies, all right? Just relax. Take some deep breaths now." She was a bit baffled by Lily's tears. She'd hoped that the girl would have at least calmed down from her previous outburst, but she hadn't expected Lily to look like she'd been crying for a good hour, or to still be crying for that matter. Honestly, she hadn't even thought that Harry had done anything other than talk to Lily about her temper.

"I… I d-don't want you t-t-to be c-c-cross with me…"

"I'm not in the least," promised Ginny. "I just want you to calm down. You'll make yourself sick. Deep breaths, and once you're calm we can talk as much as you'd like."

Ginny began to hum softly as she rocked them both. It was a tune her own mother had sung to her when she was young. Ginny knew she didn't have any sort of a singing voice, but neither had Molly Weasley, and Ginny knew from experience that it didn't matter to a child whether or not their parent was singing in tune. It was the only other thing she could think of to calm Lily, aside from a calming draught, and she was determined to help her child without having to resort to a potion.

Fortunately for Ginny, Lily began to relax. The sobs slowed and quieted, and Lily's hitched breathing transformed into slow, deep breaths. Ginny knew her daughter was still awake, though she wouldn't have blamed her for falling asleep after having gotten so worked up in the first place. However, she much preferred Lily awake so that they could try to sort out whatever was bothering her.

She stroked her daughter's red hair, marveling over how much Lily resembled her paternal grandmother. Ginny had only seen Lily Evans in a few old photographs, but the muggle-born witch had been a natural beauty, more so than Ginny in her own opinion. She didn't think herself unattractive by any stretch of the imagination, but Ginny was secretly glad that Lily took after her father's side more than her mother's.

"What's bothering you, Lily?" Ginny asked her now quiet daughter.

Lily shrugged her shoulders. She'd already talked to Harry about her feelings over losing her broom for two days, but other than that she couldn't say why she'd been feeling frustrated or why she'd felt the need to cry so much since coming to her room. "I don't know."

"Come now, I'm sure you do," disagreed Ginny. "I can understand your disappointment over not being able again today, but that can't be all. You wouldn't be this upset over that alone, especially since you'll be able to fly again tomorrow."

The eleven-year-old shook her head. "Dad said I'm not allowed to fly for the next two days."

"Did he?" Ginny had to hide her surprise. "Even so, there must be something else."

Lily felt her cheeks burn even though she was sure her mother couldn't see her face. "He also spanked me."

Whatever Ginny had expected Lily to say, it hadn't been that. "Your father was rather firm with you, wasn't he? Is that why you're so upset?"

She thought about it for a moment before shaking her head. "No, not really. I know why he did it. I wouldn't stop throwing a fit, even though I knew I needed to calm down and speak rationally. He didn't yell, either. He was talking calmly, just like you are now."

"What's going on then, love?"

"I don't know."

Ginny took a deep breath. "All right. Well, I want to make sure you know that you can talk to me any time. It doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night, or if you think I'm cross. If you need to talk about something, you let me know, and I'll be there to listen."

Lily nodded. "Okay."

"Now, your aunt and uncle are here, but your cousins are staying with your grandmother. Remus and Tonks are taking Teddy and Maddy to the cinema tonight, and would love it if you joined them. Are you interested?"

Part of her really wanted to go, but she knew she was a mess and she would feel dreadfully embarrassed if they saw her and realized she'd been crying or that she'd gotten into trouble. "They'll know I've been crying."

The older witch smiled. "They'll know nothing of the sort. We'll get you cleaned up and no one will know that you've been upset. Would you like to go with them?"

Lily moved back just enough to gauge her mother's expression. "You're sure I'm not in any more trouble for how I acted?"

"Lily, listen to me. You threw a fit worthy of a toddler, and that's certainly not fitting or acceptable behavior for a young lady about to start her education at Hogwarts, but your father already dealt with it, and even if he hadn't I wouldn't place any further restrictions on you. You've already lost flying privileges for a few days. That's consequence enough. It's over and done with now – clean slate and all. So, it's up to you whether or not you want to go with them tonight. You're welcome to stay here with us, if you'd like, but you'd be the only child and I wouldn't want you to be bored."

"I'd like to go," admitted Lily. Another part of her wanted to stay in for the night, but she knew she'd be bored, especially with her parents spending time with her aunt and uncle, so she figured she'd be more likely to find entertainment with her cousin and friend.

"Well, then let's get you freshened up so we can let them know. I believe it's their first time at a muggle cinema, so you'll be able to tell them all about it!"

"Dad, we don't really care about books. Could we please do a bit of looking around? Uncle George said they've got some new products at the joke shop."

Bill regarded his eldest child with an amused expression. It was nearly a week later, and the trio had made it through being fitted for school robes and purchasing first year potions kits before they'd grown tired of shopping. He couldn't say he blamed them. "I don't recall being that interested in buying books before my first year at Hogwarts, either." He turned to the other adults. "What do you think? We certainly don't need their presence to purchase their school books. Should we let them roam around a bit?"

"We're all right with it," Tonks agreed, sharing a look with Remus. "Ginny? Harry? What do you think?"

Ginny shook her head. "I don't know."

"Muuuummm…" groaned Lily. "Come on...!"

Ginny willed herself to remain calm. She didn't condone Lily's whining, but if she called her out on it Lily would tune out any sort of reasoning. "You've seen the attention your father has attracted," she pointed out rationally, "and that you yourself have attracted."

"Not one person has mentioned Grandma Potter," argued the eleven-year-old. "The only reason I've attracted attention is because no one knew that the Chosen One was a father. It's not my fault Dad's a celebrity, and it's not fair to hold it against me."

Harry wrapped an arm around Ginny's shoulders, giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. "She has a point, love."

Huffing, Ginny leveled a glare at her husband. "You know it's only a matter of time before we run into someone who knew your mother. Then what?"

He couldn't deny her reasoning. Sooner or later, they would run into someone from his parents' past, but trying to keep Lily with them the entire trip wouldn't turn out well for any of them and he knew that, too. "I think they'll be less likely to notice if she's not with us. The three of them should be safe for a half hour or so at the shop. We can purchase their books and then meet them there."

Ginny frowned, but Harry could see he'd gotten through to her. "Straight to the joke shop then and nowhere else. Do you understand me, Lily Luna?"

Lily wanted to scowl over the use of her middle name, but she was sure Ginny would use that as an excuse to keep her close. She wanted so badly to go to the joke shop with her cousin and friend, and she knew that eleven was more than enough to go off with friends without parents in tow for at least an hour or two. "I understand, Mum. I won't go anywhere else."

"Off you go then, before I change my mind," Ginny told her. "And if you disobey me…"

The eleven-year-old grabbed Maddy's hand with her right hand and Teddy's hand with her left. "I know, I know. I won't sit for a week. I love you, Mum, Dad. See you in a few…" Before Ginny could say anything else, she tugged her friends along toward her uncles' joke shop.