She'd been an avenger only 3-4 months now. And while she should've been thankful that she finally had a comparatively normal life, she was not.
She had a team that was aware of her past and she was accepted. She was a part of their missions, using her deadly abilities for the good of humanity. It wasn't always only missions; they often had fun – going on vacations, picnics, or movie nights in the tower itself. In fact when she thought about it, she had everything she needed. Yet she felt empty. Hollow. Like all of those social interaction, smiling and laughing at her team mates' jokes was nothing but a façade.
Because no matter how cheerful she got during the day, her demons always came back to ravage her at night. And no matter how many people she surrounded herself with; she was always entrapped in solitude.
Everyone knew something was wrong. But they didn't know what. They were concerned. Unknown to her the avengers had grown a liking to her. She was the youngest among them, and they all felt the need to look out for her. They saw the fire in her eyes, every time she trained, every time she fought, the fire raged.
It felt as though she was trying to prove herself. Or as if it was revenge against her past. They wanted to get close, but they feared interfering with her privacy. So they gave her time, dropping hints that she was not alone. Not anymore.
[Name] did not like pity. That was probably why it pissed her off when her team mates acted like she was a broken thing that needed some fixing. But she couldn't explain. One moment she wanted to rush to them, and sob till all her pain washed away. Another moment she wanted to push them away and lock herself in a room and cut herself till the blood washed away her pain. Was it even possible to be such a mess?
[Name] thought she was doing well, 'pretending' everything. What she didn't realise is that each one of them had their own story. Their own past that haunted them. That they were all struggling in some way or the other, to lead a normal life. And that is why they saw right through her façade.
She also didn't notice how a certain blonde, blue- eyed avenger was growing a fondness for her.
Steve didn't know how to explain it. It had first started out as veneration for her skills, so flawless at such a young age. However that was something he felt for all of his team mates. Then that feeling developed into a different kind of attraction- suddenly Steve was noticing how her hair fell on her shoulders, her soft features glowing every time she smiled her ever rare smile. There was a scar, running from a little above her right temple gently cutting her eyebrow. Steve thought that it was very 'cool' as they put it: to him it almost looked like a thunder bolt. But [name] was very conscious about it so he never mentioned it. The more Steve observed, the more he discovered. He noticed how she tensed up, cautiously reacting to something as simple as someone calling her name. He noticed how she always seemed to think it necessary to justify her actions. He realised how she jumped at any opportunity to help others. It was good of course to help others but [Name] seemed to be doing good as reparation for something…And Steve wanted to know what. Somehow she always seemed like she was hiding something. Quite literally sometimes. He hoped he was hallucinating, when he saw scars underneath her full sleeved shirts. He knew those were self-inflicted. And it broke him apart. He wondered if he was the only one, but he never talked about it to anybody.
He tried to talk to her, trying to peel away the layers, but the deeper he got, he only found more layers. Every time he got close to confronting her about the scars, she managed to dodge the question and change the topic.
But Steve was not the one to give up; he'd secretly teamed up with Jarvis * to keep a track of what [Name] was doing when alone. He didn't want to spy on her, so obviously cameras were out of question. More over cameras could be a bit too revealing.
[Name] had those nightmares again. They seemed to be recurring for a few nights now, getting more intense each night.
"Sophie, is something wrong?"
"My name is not Sophie"
With that she injected the venom in one forceful thrust. Her victim struggled, trying to grasp reality.
After writhing on the cold stone floor for a while, he became motionless.
Her hands gripped at the sheets and sweat trickled down the side of her face.
"No! Please don't! He's only a child! Please take what you want but leave the child."
The woman begged. She scampered off to return with a briefcase.
"Please! Let us go. Plea-" She grabbed the briefcase, slitting the woman's throat without a second thought.
The little boy didn't survive either.
Her eyes shot open, staring wildly in the dark, looking for the boy she'd just murdered in cold blood. There was no one. She sat there terrified and shivering, hot tears running down her face, burning holes in her heart. Immense pain flooded over her. She couldn't take it anymore.
Steve twisted and turned in his bed unable to sleep for no apparent reason...
"Mr rogers" Steve was surprised to hear Jarvis address him in the middle of night, if it was possible; Jarvis' sound was laced with a sense of urgency. "I detect raised levels of heart rate and tone of emotional distress from Ms [Last name]'s room"
Steve rushed out of his room to the elevator, pressing the respective floor number to [Name]'s floor.
Why is this like this? Why are the details of my past flashing before my eyes? What about all those torturous "wiping" sessions? I'm not supposed to remember any of this!
You could've saved the child.
I couldn't!
He was just like you. He saw his mother being murdered right before his eyes.
But I didn't do it on my will!
Then why is it bothering you now? We only remember what we want to. We only feel guilty for our mistakes.
IT WAS BEYOND MY CONTROL!
You were fully aware of what you were doing. You saw the fear in his eyes, and of so many others you wiped off from the face of this planet.
I was told they were dangerous to the mankind…
Oh, were they? The old man who treated you like his child "Sophie"? Or the mother who offered everything for the safety of her child? Or the little child who'd barely seen the world?Was he Dangerous to the world? WAS HE?
IT'S NOT MY FAULT! IT'S. NOT. MY FAULT!
You call yourself an Avenger? You?
As the voices in her head got louder, she struggled to carry her shivering form to the bathroom. Her tears gushed down much faster, blurring her vision.
Denial is the best form of escape isn't it? But how long can you live the lie? That you aren't responsible? That you were just a misguided soul?
She rummaged through the drawers for a blade. Finding one, she looked at it, slightly hesitant.
Do you, of all people deserve to be here? Especially since so many other like you have been charged for criminal offences? What about your team mates? Do you really think they'll be so accommodating once they found out everything about you?
She decided it was time to silence the voices, she raised the blade to slit her wrists.
Steve just hoped it wasn't what he thought it was. But the fact that Jarvis could detect turbulence only in the later stages, made him very uncomfortable.
He rushed into the room to find the sheets dishevelled and the pillows lying thrown on the floor. His eye darted to the open bathroom door.
What he saw there took him all his energy to calm down and think straight.
[Name] sat on the floor, her hair spread all across messily. In one hand she had a blade. Steve regretted being late by few moments as he saw blood drip down her wrist onto the bathroom floor.
She turned at the noise of him behind her. Steve grabbed the blade. In the wink of an eye her fear of being seen like this was replaced by an expression of anger.
He pulled her bleeding wrist and tried to wrap it in one of the clean towels kept in the shelf. She pulled away sharply.
"Leave me alone" she said, her voice cold as ice. Steve was taken aback, but he wasn't going anywhere. "We need to talk" he said as he tried to get them out of the bathroom. [Name] didn't budge.
There. He is going to ask questions. He won't leave until he's got what he wants.He's going to drag a dagger down your memory tearing open all the wounds of the past. Probably he'll tell the others too. It's over. Don't you see the walls tumbling down already?
"Why do you do this to yourself?" he asked looking at the blade, as if the blade was cutting him too.
"Why the hell do you care?" she said, almost growling. She would do anything to be alone right now.
There was a moment of silence as Steve tried to read her eyes. He didn't know what to say.
"Give it to me" she growled, reaching out to grab the blade from his hand, hoping he'd leave her to herself. Stupid thought, of course.
"No." he snapped back, his eyes intense, staring back defiantly at her. Not taking his eyes off her, he put the blade on the counter and dragged her out of the bathroom.
"Jarvis shut the door and please don't let anyone in", Steve said. He'd been pulling her with such force that when he let go, she got thrown away a bit
"What the hell Steve! What do you want?"
"I want answers." Steve replied, firmly.
And once the answers are out?
"I only want to help" his voice was gentle now. [Name] wanted to melt and disappear for ever. The voices in her head were a raging conflict of differing opinions.
The walls are tumbling down. You are exposed.
No. the walls weren't going to last anyway. It's time to let go.
And walk up to your own destruction? Do you have what it takes to surrender? Will you be able to accept the reactions of the people who'd accepted you with smiling face?
"I only want to help"
"No you can't! Nobody can! The only thing that I need now is for you to leave me alone" she tore past the voices in her head.
"I will not leave you alone. You do stupid things when left alone"
It's over.
"STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M AN IMMATURE CHILD!"
"STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!"
Why don't you just go away Steve…please?
With every word, [Name] seemed to be backing away. Steve took a few steps forward. [Name] only felt more vulnerable.
"Stay out of it Steve…" she said, moving back, unsure of why he kept coming towards her.
"I Said STAY OUT OF IT STEVE. STOP! Just STOP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?
"Please [name] we could talk about-"
Frustrated she grabbed whatever came to her hand and flung it at him.
GO AWAY!
Steve caught a thick book that had almost hit his face.
Go away!
He dodged a flower vase and heard it shattering to pieces.
Please just don't do this to me. Not now!
[Name] was about to throw something else when she felt two strong hands holding hers, raising and pinning them to the wall behind her.
"Throwing things won't get you anywhere."
Suddenly, she felt weak and powerless. Her stiff shoulders slumped, and her tears that had stopped temporarily continued their downward flow.
Let go. Maybe there's a chance.
"Go away." She rasped through her breath. "I hate you."
Steve looked into her eyes, realising that she wasn't particularly talking to him. He let go of her arms and they fell to her sides as though they were lifeless. They stood there like that in silence for a while. Steve studied her face; it looked as if she was contemplating the consequences of this unlikely interaction between them. As though she was considering what to do next. Or maybe she was still thinking of kicking him out of the scenario. Because a flying fist punched him in the face, shoving him backward.
"I told you to GO AWAY." She wanted to say a lot more than that, but she couldn't bring herself to.
Steve wiped the drop of blood off the side of his nose. If Steve thought he'd gotten her to calm down, he was so wrong.
She's strong, alright. He thought as he let a smirk develop on his face. Doesn't that make her absolutely irresistible? He was pulled out of his thoughts by another assault. He noticed her eyes. They seemed glazed. She was looking at him, yet looking past him. If looks could kill, Steve was pretty sure; he'd be burned to ashes right now.
For the next thirty minutes or so Steve found himself moving around the room trying to dodge the attacks that came his way. She scratched him, punched him, beat him and bruised him, like a big wild cat gone mad. But no serious harm was done. Occasionally he'd hear things like "Leave me alone!", "Go away" to which he'd reply with incomplete responses like "[Name] please listen to-" or "I'm not leaving till you calm-". He didn't like to admit it, but he couldn't have unleashed an offence even if he wanted to. She's so fast… and distracting.
Meanwhile, [Name] fought Steve; mounting attacks after attacks as though he was an embodiment of her past. She was blinded by fear, anger and pain. Fear that they would find out everything about her past. Anger that she was nothing but a weapon of destruction. And pain that none of it could be changed. In all of this she didn't even realise who she was hurting. She burst out like a strong tide. All the negativity flooding out of her.
No please don't do this, DON'T TOUCH ME! She begged as her captor held her in place his free hand snaking up under her shirt from behind
"[Name]" Steve started, but never got to complete.
Where are you taking me? Don't do this to me please don't do it! She screamed and kicked her legs as they cuffed her hands to the handles.
You won't remember a thing princess the man jeered
Let go! She begged again
Relax princess; it's just a matter of few minutes
No, sto-mmph! MMPPPPHH! She let out a blood curdling scream gagged by whatever was stuffed in her mouth.
She punched Steve in the gut forcing him to lean forward.
You are M-894. The man dictated
M-894. Who are you?
M-894 she replied, not quite following the logic- she felt as though she was answerable to him
Good girl
Steve retracted in a millisecond grabbing her arm and folding it behind her. He pushed her against the wall and said "Look at me-".
This man was supposed to be dead by now. Do you realise that?
Yes
THEN WHY THE HELL IS HE STILL ALIVE!?
The man pushed her down. Two other people cuffed her hands and then electricity jolted through her body "wiping" her memory. Then as if that was not torturous enough, the man held up a syringe in his hands about to inject her with a dose of the ugly looking yellow liquid
But don't you think that is lethal? She heard someone from behind
I knowit's lethal. If she survives she gets another chance, if not we get another specimen, understood?
She kicked him, distracting and then proceeding to punch him again. She tackle him, landing on top of him throwing punches which he easily dodged. He tried to push her without causing much harm, and they rolled over, with Steve being on top of her now. "You need to get out of this trance or whatever this is" he said as he tried to keep her violent form from attacking him again.
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" she yelled her voice bitter, kicking him in the gut once again, forcing him off her. He pulled her along, and now she sat on his abdomen, pinning him down, trying to probably slap him. Steve was holding her arms in mid-air as she tried to free her hands and tear his face off. How romantic, he thought and in the flash of a moment, she'd freed her hands. She was now pulling at his shirt's neck pulling him up by it. She looked him in the eye and said, "OH I HATE YOU SO MUCH". Her voice was full of a mixture of emotions- remorse, guilt, anger- and many more that Steve couldn't point out clearly.
"And I love you"
That's what [Name] heard as she felt two strong arms wrap around her. All the voices in her head stopped at once, as though they were concentrating on processing what she'd just heard. Her body went numb.
What the…hell?
Her face was buried in Steve's chest and she was not fighting him anymore.
What is he doing? That's not how you react to someone who tried to injure you.
She didn't understand. And it was killing her. So she t thrashed against him struggling and writhing in his arms trying to get free.
Oh but it felt so good. So comforting. The warmth that entered her through his heart, spreading through her entire body. His smell, up so close to him, she couldn't help but breathe in his smell so thick and musky. His muscular torso shielding her, making her feels safe and secure. She'd never felt like this before. Much to her relief, Steve didn't let go even after a long period of struggling. So she stopped. The material of his shirt was soft. It made her want to rub her cheeks against. Innocently, she was rubbing her cheeks against his chest- slowly yet subtly. Steve felt it and chuckled to himself. After all, you only needed a nice hug.
She realized what had happened and her cheeks felt like they were burning. But most importantly she felt as though a burden was taken off her shoulders. She had release all the pent up frustration, anger and pain in the tussle they had. As the sea of her emotions calmed, she could finally see what she had been doing. And she felt guilty. But mostly she was terribly confused. What was he doing? How the hell can someone be so…persistent? Patient? Did he really care so much about her? How could he? He'd barely known her. She wanted to ask so many questions, she needed him to confirm so many things. She broke the embrace, her eyes looking up at him, doubtful.
Steve looked at [Name]. For the first time since he had seen her, she seemed to be herself. It looked as though a veil had lifted off her eyes. And beneath all those efforts of looking tough and pretence that she had herself in control, Steve saw the real [Name]. She was nothing but a young vulnerable girl abandoned by fate to deal with this cruel world. She looked like she wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words. She was breathing hard, taking every breath cautiously lest she broke down into puddle of tears. As much as he wanted to urge her on, he knew that it should finally be up to her whether she wanted to confide in him or not.
[Name] wanted to say so many things. She wanted to hear him say that he loved her again. She wanted to confirm that she was not hallucinating. But she could manage only one word for all the questions that rushed through her mind.
"Why?" she asked, her voice nothing more than a feeble whisper.
"Because I love you" Steve said, his hand stroking her hair. Her heart skipped a beat.
"Why do you love me?"
"You can't just ask people why they love someone…it just happens" out of the back of his mind Steve remembered that her wrist was bleeding!
"Sit right here and don't move till I come back." He said as he sat her on the bed.
He then went to the bathroom, and returned with the first aid kit. [Name] watched on as he sat on the floor and got busy with cleaning the cut and dressing the wound. "Promise me you won't do this to yourself again" he said looking up straight into her eyes.
"Would you still, feel the same if you found out about my past?" she asked. She couldn't guarantee that she won't be doing it again. Not yet.
Steve at once caught how she changed the topic, but he decided he wasn't going to press her. It's okay if you're not confident about it, I promise I won't let you hurt yourself again. He thought to himself.
Steve raised his hand to cup the side of her face and said "[Name], each one of us- Tony, Clint, Bruce Natasha and Thor and I, we all have our own pasts that we wish we could change. We've all made mistakes we feel guilty for. I'm not sure what's bothering you, and if you want you could tell me, but it's not what you did, but what you are doing and what you will do that matters. We are a team remember? We are going to fill in for each other's imperfections."
It felt so good to be reassured. But he said he loved her. What about that? Thinking about it took away some of the warmth that had begun to grow in her.
"Why don't you give us a chance?" Steve said, and she realised he was sitting right next to her.
She looked at him. "[Name], I know this sounds cliché but we could really help. Each one of us wants to." She only replied with silence. "Es-especially me."
She looked away once again.
Steve waited for some time. But when he didn't get a reaction after long, he decided it was best to leave her alone. He got up to leave.
"Steve-" she said instinctively, her voice barely audible. She almost wished he hadn't heard. But he did and he came back and sat right next to her, eager to hear whatever she had to say.
She took a deep breath, trying to decide how to begin.
"I'm scared, Steve. I'm very, very scared." She said softly, her voice almost shivering.
"Of what? Or who?"
"I'm not quite sure Steve. I don't fully understand the feeling." She looked at him, searching his face for comprehension. He gestured her to continue. "It's like if I ever knew someone like me, I-I wouldn't want to get too close to them Steve. I wouldn't want to –to have that kind of negativity dragged into my life. I don't think I'll be able to be-" she stopped to take inhale sharply. "I don't know it's difficult to explain."
She was not telling him everything. Steve was not going to persuade her to.
"You know I really like you." He said and She saw that his face was flushed "that's something I can't control, and so it's going to be there no matter what anyone does. But that said, you are not obliged to feel the same way about me. Don't push yourself to this. All I'm saying is that-"
This is not what she'd meant. This was annoying, how could she tell him that she liked him and hoped to spend good time with him but that was not going to work because she had mercurial emotional issues!
"You don't understand Steve!" she said, her volume rising.
"Then explain it to me" he said as gentle as ever.
"I can't! I don't know HOW! COMMUNICATION isn't really my forte" she said irritated and desperate.
"Shh…. Relax, I'm listening." He was now sitting in front of her, holding her hands to keep her from bouncing about. "What is it that's bothering you? Say what's going on in your mind- raw and undiluted. I'm not judging you."
"What if I told you I'm not like other women-"
"Oh I know you are not" he smiled sheepishly.
"Not like that! what if I told you that I was going to have horrible outbursts, temper tantrums and emotional breakdowns?"
"I'm sure we could work it out" he said, his voice upbeat.
"What if I saw you talking or maybe even looking at another attractive person and I got jealous and mad and didn't talk to you for ages?"
"Oh you getting jealous? I think it would be adorable! I'm sure it's okay to get in a bit of a chase even after falling for a person. So I'd come along with flowers and chocolate, and court you again."
"What if I cheated on you with someone else or I dumped you!?"
"Quite frankly I would be hurt, but I don't think you'd ever do that."
"What makes you say that?! You barely know me!"
"But I know myself right? I don't think there's anything in this world that love can't overcome. And as far as knowing you is concerned, we can know more about each other, together."
"I could mess up a perfectly normal relationship with my unpredictable attitude Steve! The worst part is it's going to happen like a cycle over and over again!"
"[Name] I don't understand why you are looking at this like it's your duty. I am admitting I have feelings for you but that does not mean you have to reciprocate it. We could at least be friends right? Not just me, we could all be one big family! Like that TV show- Friends."
"I guess" she wasn't sure what Friends was but it sounded good anyway.
"Exactly! Trusting everyone is not a good thing, but you've got to trust someone. Because when you're all by yourself everything seems dangerous, and paranoia is always lurking in the back of your mind."
But what if by the time I'm ready, you've already moved on?
"[Name]?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Is there something you want to say?"
"No! Uh…nothing!"
"Okay, then go to sleep, you need to take rest. And anything you need let me know alright?" he said as he laid her down, tucking her in bed.
"Steve?"
"Hmm?"
"How did you find out that I was…you know…distressed?"
Steve thought for a while if he wanted her to know, and decided it would be the right thing.
"You mean Jarvis can sense…? But isn't he an ….AI?"
"There's a reason they call me Just A Rather Intelligent System Ma'am"
[Name] reflexively jumped to Steve and he chuckled remembering how it was for him before he got accustomed to the technology.
"Pretty good, isn't he?" Steve replied "don't worry, he's really nice and he can help you a lot around the tower." He said when he saw that she still had a tight grip around his arm.
"Good night" he smiled and she wished he could stay. But it was already very late, and Steve was out of bed only because of her.
As uncomfortable as it had been, Steve was happy that something had happened in the positive direction. He came back to his room and slept contently.
Somewhere in her heart, [Name] felt thankful that Jarvis had notified Steve.
It was probably temporary and probably a very small step, but for the first time, she'd felt like she wasn't alone. After what Steve told her, she wanted to reach out to all the other team members, try to "fill in for their imperfections" and get someone to figure out the mess she was. But what kept her awake the whole night was that someone had confessed his 'love' to her. She wasn't sure how to react to that.
[Name] found it odd to converse with an artificial intelligence. But if it could keep such a close eye on her, she must know more about it. Moreover Steve said he was nice.
"J-Jarvis…?" she asked, her eyes scanning the dark ceiling.
"Yes miss [last name]?" Came the reply.
"Thank you for what you did today" she said, wondering if it was odd to talk like that to the AI.
"You are most welcome miss [last name]" replied the faceless voice.
There was silence for some time.
"Jarvis?"
"Yes, miss [last name]?"
"Um... I'm not sure if you'll be comfortable with this, but next time would you please not tell Steve when you…how should I put this …detect stressful atmosphere?"
There was silence for some time again. Almost as if Jarvis was choosing who to stand by.
"I suppose that would depend upon the need of the hour miss [last name]."
"I just don't want him to get to tensed up about this you see, I mean, you could probably give me a warning or something like "miss[last name] this is your last warning, if you don't become normal in 5 minutes I will call Steve" or something like that?" she said, mimicking his tone of speech.
"I believe that will be good enough miss [last name]"
"Oh okay, thank you Jarvis, a-and god night"
"You have a good sense of humour miss [last name]" he paused "and good night to you too"
With that soft music started playing, and though [name] didn't see why he'd done that, she realised that the music was lulling her into sleep. She smiled at the AI and drifted into peaceful sleep.