The main characters are not mine, they belong to CSI NY and its creators. I only do this writing for fun, I don't earn anything from it (I'd wish) .

And... Thank you very much to MzBonasera for helping me with the translation. English is only my third language, so I beg you to forgive my mistakes. Please.

"I can't say goodbye"

Chapter 1

The two parallel alignments of street trees on each of the sidewalks provided a filtered shade that protected from the late spring sun with their still young and light green leaves. The rows of almost identical houses gave a feeling of order, their dark brick facades with windows and doors framed by stone blocks sometimes finely sculpted with garlands of flowers and other motifs. It was practically the center of New York and yet it was a quiet neighborhood, you had the feeling of being able to rise properly your children in this environment. Just at the end of the street you could look across the East River and see the overwhelming presence of the Manhattan skyscrapers.

Stella remembered the early days of service in the NYPD and her rounds through these streets as a beginner. She was lucky in her first assignment, nothing ever happened in this neighborhood. She had the time to get used to her work, the weapon, the patrolling on foot and by car... She always thought that if she ever had a family this would be the kind of place she would like to settle. See... dreaming is free, she thought. Because already at that time the housing prices here were far above what an orphan girl, fresh from the Police Academy and without other resources than her salary, could afford.

She was going to cross the street when the door of the house she was heading opened. She stopped and saw Mac's back, talking to someone who was inside. He was carrying a large bag over his shoulder, and when he turned to the street Stella could see the precious cargo he carried in his other arm. It was a baby of about ten months, plump and bald, who insisted on playing with the nose of the one who no doubt was his father. No doubt... the same white skin, blue eyes and round cheeks, whole shape of beautiful boyish face just like Mac's

The little bald grab his daddy by both ears while they descended the steps to the sidewalk and Mac opened the door of a family van parked in front. Stella had been standing, staring, saying nothing. Mac put the bag into the car, sat the baby in the booster seat, and proceeded to put his belt on. The front door stood open, and suddenly she appeared. She held another big bag. Mac hurried up the stairs and took it from her hands. When he moved the bag from her, Stella was able to see her figure. She was about six months pregnant. Mac took her hand in his while they went down to the car. Before she entered, he bowed over her in a quick kiss and she smiled happily. Happy, yes, a beautiful smile on a completely happy face... Aubrey's face.

Stella awoke suddenly, sitting on her bed like a spring. She was sweating. She threw her hands to her forehead, pushing her hair back in a ponytail. It had been so real... She dropped back again, and suddenly felt the tears running from the corners of the eyes towards her temples.

"This is what I have", she thought, "Stay here to see how everyone is going to form a family, while I..." Tears were now increasing profusely. What she had seen in the dream was what she had always believed her life would be, during all the years she had been secretly in love with her partner, her friend, her boss. But time was showing that this man wasn't going to be more than that: her partner, her friend, her boss. Her desire to make a home, the family she

had always dreamt about... it seemed to disappear as fast as the time went by, and, she suddenly remembered, she was turning thirty-five today. She was getting too old to have children, and her dream candidate to be the father didn't show a single move in the right direction. Yes, it had been too long. Stella wanted more; she wanted to belong to something greater than herself, she wanted to build something with the man she loved. But it was pretty clear he did not want the same thing, not with her, at least. Last year, when Mac had followed her to Greece to bring her back home, Stella had thought that finally her dreams would come true. Heck, you don't travel across the world to go looking for a colleague. You don't travel half the world to order a subordinate to come back to his post... You don't smile and nod when a woman says she is "the woman in your life" reading the coffee grounds if you don't think about having something more than friendship with her. And then, after that, everything became... nothing.

Sure, Angell's death hit them all, to the point of the obsession for catching the murderer, in Mac's case. That made him to withdraw into himself in a way that the previous weeks in Greece became just a beautiful memory, a weakness that the big Mac Taylor would no longer afford.

Simultaneously, Stella committed one of the biggest mistakes of her life, her affair with Adam... Tears revived with this thought, and the damn consequences of that adventure... Until the day before she had believed that Mac didn't known about it... Now the sobs took over her body with all strength, remembering the fight she had with Mac, and how they had reproached each other all the worst things... Stella had always thought it was better to talk things openly, but she began to doubt that the measure would be effective if done in the tone they did. Their fight had only showed yesterday how they had grown apart. They couldn't be the same any more. Anger and bitterness had now settled among them; the hurtful accusations had replaced the affection of the past. That permanent joked tone that they used in private life, that faithful trust they had always shared... "It's over", Stella thought. Remembering her dream, she returned to her first thought "Is that what I have left? Stay here and see how he builds a life with another woman, see him being happy with her, and having the children that should have been mine...?"

The light gray envelope was in her bedside table, reminding Stella that she had now a way of escape. Two years ago, even a year earlier, she would not even read through the details of the documents it contained, and much less she wouldn't consider it a real possibility... She would just have felt flattered for being nominated for such interesting job. But now... It was now or never, she thought. Wiping the tears, she turned to take the documents, stamped with the logo of the U.S Department of State.

Mac awoke, frightened. He had been dreaming... Angell's death again. But tonight, when he had run to the place where the woman laid bleeding practically to death, it wasn't Jessica Angell's face, but the more precious face to him among all he knew, this time it was Stella's face.

He was sitting in bed, practically jumping in shock after have seen in his dream those marvelous green eyes that almost said goodbye to life gazing him. His own cry "Stella, no!" had awoken him. Stella Bonasera... the most extraordinary woman in the world to him. The woman that, suddenly, he didn't know how to deal with. All those years of friendship and shared complicity suddenly seemed to have vanished, faded, died out. The discussion they had had brought up the worst from each of them. Mac ran a hand over his sweaty forehead. He had to fix it, but how...?

To be continued...