Author's Notes: Hi guys and gals, it's Katie here with yet another Lonely Island themed oneshot! This was born out of trying to do Jizz in My Pants for BeGodlyBeLynn, but I eventually gave up on that (do you know how f*cking hard it is to put ANY of the ME women in a supermarket? !). But then I realized something…all of the relationships in Mass Effect reminded me so much of one song and pretty much played that way…So instead…we now have I Just Had Sex! Yay! Dedicated to Lynn!
Disclaimer: I Just Had Sex is owned by the Lonely Island, and Commander Shepard, Jacob Taylor, Kaidan Alenko, Miranda Lawson, Ashley Williams, Ambassador Udina, the useless ménage a trios known as the Council, and Aria are all owned by Bioware. You see how unfair it is? I own nothing while the big corporations own everything! This calls for…REVOLUTION!
Commander Michael Shepard: Sometimes …something beautiful happens in this world…you don't know how to express yourself so… you just gotta sing…
Lieutenant Jacob 'JAkon' Taylor: I just had sex! (Hey!)
And it felt so good (felt so good)…a woman let me put my penis inside her (her) I just had sex (Hey!) And I'll never go back (never go back) to the not-having-sex ways of the past…
Shepard: Have you ever had sex?
I have, it felt great!
It felt so good when I did it with my penis!
A girl let me do it * Miranda Lawson is sitting on the bed naked, and she quickly covers herself up with the sheets when she sees Shepard with the camera and glares at him*, it literally just happened!
Having sex could make a nice man out' the meanest!
*Councilor Udina looking like he always does with a caption reading 'before' below before flashing to him chuckling like a maniac with a huge grin and two thumbs up with a caption reading 'after'*
Kaidan Alenko: You'll never guess where I just came from I had sex!
If I had to describe the feeling it was the best! * Kaidan lying in bed, grinning as he gives the camera a thumbs up while Ashley Williams gives it a disappointed pout and a thumbs down*
When I had the sex, man my penis felt great!
And I called my parents right after I was done!
*Kaidan screams with joy into his omnitool, lying over Ashley's legs as she folds her arms over her chest and looks pissed off*
Shepard: Oh hey, didn't see you there! Guess what I just did?
Had sex, undressed, saw her boobies and the rest!
Kaidan: Well sure, nice of her to let you do that thing
Shepard: Nice of any girl ever
Kaidan: Now sing
JAkon: I just had sex! And it felt so good (felt so good)…
a woman let me put my penis inside her (her) …I Wanna tell the world
Shepard: To be honest I'm surprised she even wanted me to do it
Kaidan: Doesn't really make sense
Shepard: But man, screw it!
Kaidan: I ain't one to argue with a good thing
Shepard: She could be my wife!
Kaidan: That good?
Shepard: The best 30 seconds of my life! *Miranda looks at Shepard in pure and utter disgust and contempt as he has a dopey expression on his face as he points to Miranda while doing a thumbs up*
Kaidan: I'm so humbled by a girl's ability to let me do her
Shepard: Cuz honestly I'd have sex with a vorcha! With that in mind the soft, nice-smellin' girl's better
Kaidan: Plus she let me wear my chain and my turtle neck sweater! *Kaidan is sitting on the bed with just a chain and turtleneck sweater, grinning away while Ashley is sobbing in the background*
JAkon: So this one's dedicated to them girls
That let us flop around on top of them
If you're near or far, whether short or tall
We wanna thank you all for lettin' us fuck you
Kaidan * Kaidan whooping in ecstasy over Ashley while she lies there with a disgusted expression and stares at her watch*: She kept looking at her watch!
JAkon: Doesn't matter, I had sex!
Shepard *bawling his eyes out in pure joy as he thrusts into a repulsed Miranda*: But I cried the whole time!
JAkon: Doesn't matter, I had sex!
Kaidan *looks up to see a white hoodie with the words 'TERRA FIRMA ROCKS!' printed onto it hanging in Ashley's wardrobe*: I think she might have been a racist!
JAkon: Doesn't matter, I had sex!
Shepard *Miranda sighs in disappointment and resignation as she slips a paper bag with a photo of Simon Baker pasted to the front on Shepard's head*: She put a bag on my head!
JAkon: Still counts!
I just had sex! (SEX!) *Shepard hollers in pure joy as he prances around with a few sparklers while Miranda just sits on the bed facepalming*
And my dreams came true (dreams came true)
So if you had sex in the last 30 minutes then you're qualified to sing with me!
I just had sex (everybody sing!) *Aria and Patriarch start singing along as they cuddle in Afterlife*
And it felt so good (we all had sex!) *The Salarian and Asari Councilor start singing together as the Turian Councilor looks at them with envy and longing*
A woman let me put my penis inside her (I wanna tell the whole world!)
I just had sex (I just had sex!)
And I'll never go back (no, no, no!)
To the not-having-sex ways of the past!
Ooh it felt so great…la-la-la-la!
*Shepard, JAkon and Kaidan stand atop the Presidium as fireworks shoot out from their crotches before fist bumping and engaging in a brohug*
Shepard, JAkon, Kaidan *roaring*: WE JUST HAD SEX!
Aaaanndd there you go! I Just had Sex, Mass Effect style! :D Katie out…and back to my current obsession…Team Fortress 2…addwquiofwfb :P
XOXOKatherineXOXO