Black and/or White
First Matrix fic, so be gentle. It's just a random drabble about why Switch wears white…
--
The first time he went into the Matrix after joining the Neb, Mouse asked me why I wore white. It was an obvious question, considering that every other member of the Neb's crew (including Mouse himself) was wearing all black. Apoc gave me a look, just to make sure I wasn't going to punch an eleven-year-old kid in the nose. I glared at him. I'm not that violent. And despite his tendency to talk way too much and to attract more trouble than he was worth, I really liked the kid. He was a lot like me, albeit with less anger issues.
When I thought about it, though, my heart started beating really fast, the only symptom of nervousness or embarrassment I ever felt. It also happened to be the same feeling I always had when I thought of Apoc. He gave me a look like, Are you going to tell him? But I was already lost in the memory…
--
I was eighteen, and life sucked. It was the same thing, day after day, year after year, and I was sick of it, sick of the girls at school who knew nothing but parties and boys and fashion magazines, sick of the stupid jocks who had never had an original thought in their lives, sick of trying to survive in the stupid, superficial world I had been born into. I wanted out.
That's when I turned to computers. Unlike the other members of the Neb's crew (excluding Apoc), I was never a hacker; computers weren't really my thing. They were a way out, that's all. But they brought me to Morpheus. They brought me to the truth.
Trinity was the first one I met. She was everything I wanted to be: strong, graceful, so sure of herself. At first, I was jealous. But not anymore. I've never gained those things, true, but I've found other things in myself, or rather, he found them in me, that make all of that meaningless.
But it was Morpheus I wanted to see. I knew he had something special, something that had been nagging at me ever since I started high school. There was something so fake, so wrong, about everything; I just didn't know exactly what it was yet. The only thing I knew was that if I went with him something special was going to happen. Something was going to change, and that was all I cared about.
The choice was easy; and into the looking glass I went.
When I woke up on the Neb, Apoc was there. He was still bald, and there was a new, innocent look in his eyes that told me that he had just been through the same experience as I had. Don't let what I just said fool you; it wasn't like we were immediately friends or anything. In fact, it was just the opposite.
When I left the Matrix I was cold, angry, and cynical. I've still got some of that, true, but back then it was much worse. I hated everyone and everything. They didn't deserve it; they hadn't done anything to me. I was treated as a friend and a fellow soldier. It was something inside of me. I hated the world I had previously known, the world of the Matrix, I hated the machines for creating it, but I think my biggest problem was that I didn't care about it enough. I was so used to hate that it wasn't even a feeling anymore; it was the definition of my existence. So while it made me a good soldier it was also killing me in a way. I had stopped living; I simply existed.
The first name I gave myself was Kali, the Hindu warrior goddess with black skin who danced in graveyards and killed demons. She was, in a way, the personification of my hate. I wore black in the Matrix then.
Then came the day that changed my life.
I was sitting in my bunk late at night, watching the light from the monitors leak through the crack under the door. I hated the light. It was everything I had never had, never been. It was beauty; it was love; it was safety and home. I huddled back into the wall, trying to get as far away from it as possible. I wanted to stay in the dark; it was the only thing I knew, and I wasn't going to get hurt trying to reach it.
There was a knock at the door, so soft I almost couldn't hear it. I was about to snap at whoever it was to go away, but the door opened before I could say anything. The light flooded the room, and I shrank back against it, cramming my slim body against the wall as hard as I could.
"Go away," I growled at the large shadow in the doorway.
"Hey, don't bite my head off, Blondie." Blondie?
"What do you want, Apoc?"
"Thought you might be hungry. You haven't eaten all day." He was so… calm. I expected him to be angry or to be so offended by my unjust bitchiness, but he didn't seem to care. This was new.
I was too absorbed by my thoughts to notice Apoc shove a bowl of mush into my hands and sit on the floor in front of me. He was just staring at me, and not in the way most people do, kind of sideways, like they think you can't see them. He was looking right into my eyes with his deep black ones. I could lose myself in them.
"Not hungry," I said. I couldn't let down the wall… I couldn't let anybody in. I'm a soldier, a soldier and nothing else.
But Apoc, and I'll never understand why, put up with me. He pushed the bowl ever so slightly, making sure not to touch me.
"Eat," he ordered, his deep, gruff voice gentle and commanding all at the same time.
"Don't tell me what to do," I told him, but I found myself eating anyway. Apoc watched me.
"Why do you care so much?" I finally asked him.
"Why don't you?" he countered.
"Because I hate it." I didn't specify what. I didn't care if he knew what I was talking about or not. If he did, I didn't want to know.
"No you don't. You need some light."
I laughed, dark and mirthless. "Light? There's no light here. There's no sun."
Apoc shook his head, all seriousness. "Sure there is. It's just hidden behind all those clouds."
I didn't know what to say. For once I didn't have a sarcastic comment. I wanted to hate him, I did. But there was something in me that couldn't. Something in told me he was right. There wasn't any way in hell I was going to tell him that, though, so we sat there in silence for awhile.
"Kali."
"What?"
"What are you so afraid of?"
Afraid?
"Nothing. I'm going to fight until I die. There's nothing to be afraid of. I know I'm going to die fighting this war, and I'm not afraid to do it."
"That's not what I meant and you know it."
I did know. But how did he know? I'd never talked to him, or anyone, really. How could he know what I was feeling? Because the truth was, I was scared. I was scared of myself. Not just of the hate; no, now I had something new to fear: The feeling that I had met someone I couldn't stop myself from loving. It scared the hell out of me. So I crawled back into the corner and didn't say anything until he finally gave up and left.
The next day I was taken to see the Oracle. I didn't tell anyone, but I was really scared. I was afraid that she would tell me something other than what I already knew; that I wouldn't die fighting, that there was some other thing I had to do. Most people would have been grateful to know they wouldn't have to die the horrible death I could have in the future, but I wasn't most people. Still, I was forced in her kitchen door, trying to hide behind the large, black trench coat I was wearing.
"Come in, honey," the Oracle said. I did, but only as far as the doorpost I leaned on. "I would ask how you are, but I don't have to be an oracle to see that. Here, have a cookie. It looks like you need one." She pushed a plate of cookies at me, but I didn't take one.
"All right then, Miss Stubborn. I guess you just want to get this over with. That's all right. I'm not going to have to do much, anyway. He's the one who's going to show you the path to your future. You just have to choose to follow it."
He? She knew I understood. It was all I could do not to start shaking.
"Don't be afraid, Kali." The Oracle chuckled. "You know, Kali's a mother goddess, too. She and Shiva can create or destroy the world. They could bring about the Apocalypse. Oh, I think I may have said too much. You look pale, dear. You really should have a cookie. It'll make you feel better."
Damn her. Why'd she have to use that word? Was she just trying to freak me out? Or was she right?
"Don't worry, honey. When the time comes, you'll know which name you want. Names have a lot of power, you know."
I practically ran out of the room. I was even more silent than usual on the way back. Morpheus didn't even have to tell me to keep what the Oracle said to myself.
Who was I, really? I was just a scared little girl masquerading as someone powerful. I was nothing. I didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I felt just like I had back in the Matrix. The truth didn't change feelings.
Apoc came to my room again that night. This time, he didn't bother with trying to be nice. He just sat down next to me on my bed and asked, "What are you so afraid of?"
I could have punched him. I wanted to. But I didn't.
He's the one who's going to show you the path to your future.
What future? I didn't have one. It was just me, trying to survive for just one more minute, one more day. And what for? I hated it all, both what I was fighting and what I was fighting for.
"Everything," I said finally. "I know anger, I know hate. I don't want anything else. I don't want to live."
I didn't think about why I was telling him this. It seemed so natural, and he was so calm and understanding. I couldn't help it.
I realized then why I had hated the light. It was everything I wanted but was too afraid to take. And above all else, the light was love. I had always been starved of it, both in the Matrix and here, because I was too scared to look for it, afraid that if I did it would be taken away from me. But here was Apoc, who put up with me for reasons I still didn't know, who never got angry at me, even when I had been a bitch to him for no reason, no reason but my fear. He was my light. My dark, shining light. And this time I wasn't going to let the fear take over. I was going to take the light and make it mine.
"Yes you do, Kali," Apoc said, slowly reaching up and taking my small, pale face in his big, dark hands and brushing the tears from my cheeks. I hadn't even known I was crying.
"Apoc."
"Kali."
And his mouth was on mine, kissing me softly at first, then grabbing me by the waist and pressing me against the wall, covering me, protecting me. I pressed myself against him, enveloping myself in his warmth, his love, his light.
"Are you scared?" he asked between kisses.
"As hell," I answered.
"Don't be. I'll take care of you, Kali. No, I'll love you. That's what you've wanted all along, right?" I nodded into his chest. "Me too." He kissed me again, both arms wrapped so strongly around me. I wasn't afraid. I wanted to live.
Finally, I pulled away and pressed a finger to his lips. "And Apoc?"
"Yeah, love?"
"It's not Kali. It's Switch."
--
From then on, I always wore white in the Matrix. It was my own way of telling the world that I wasn't afraid anymore, and that I was going to fight now, really fight, but for love this time, not for hate. I was fighting for my light. That was all I cared about. He was all I needed.