Her Goddess

[LukaMiku]

{Disclaimer; I do not own Vocaloid}

xxx

It's not like I like her or anything.

It's just that…

She's kind of dazzling.

xxx

I like this girl.

How does that work?

I'm not quite sure.

My friends all like guys. It bothers me sometimes. It's all they seem to talk about. They always migrated towards them, smiling coyly and laughing nervously while I stood awkwardly in the background. It didn't really matter though because I was used to it. While I wondered why they were so obsessed, I found myself searching for the one who could make my heart race, make me wish to diet, change my hair, pretty myself up or become more beautiful. It didn't happen. I have held several guy's hands. The girls who say they've felt electric currents running through their bodies were liars. When I held his hand, all I felt was clammy, sweaty, dirty, masculine hands of a course, rough male.

While I felt resentful towards my friends for dumping me for a guy, I remember passing by her. In that instant, I stopped half-step and spun around. Only the cutest girls could look beautiful in short hair. That was what I always thought and she portrayed that perfectly. She passed by calmly with a indifferent expression on her porcelain face, heading towards the table where her older friends sat. I found myself staring at her gorgeous build, slender legs, flawless skin but most of all, her fluttering eyes.

"She's really pretty isn't she?" Miki comments, instantly dragging me back to reality.

"Yeah." I manage to reply coolly.

"She's apparently in Gumi's class." She adds, twisting a lock of her bright coloured hair between her fingers. The conversation ended there.

Later, I asked Miki more about this girl whom I only saw during breaks. We often sat across from their table, and often boys sat with her to learn English. She was really good at that. Besides that, she laughed and spoke to her friends in a hushed tone. The yard was always too loud, nothing could be heard. I found myself wondering what her voice sounded like. Melodic? Calming? Alto? Soprano? Feminine? Smooth?

I wondered what she was speaking about, family? Friends? Love?

I wondered what she was laughing about, jokes? Puns? Stupidity?

Would I be able to make her laugh like that?

Will I be able to give her more than anyone else can?

Is it even possible to like someone like this?

All I knew about this girl, my goddess, was that she is two years older than me. She didn't stand out very much, so I wonder what attracted me to her. She was different from those other girls seeking popularity, attention and love. She was in fact quite the opposite, quiet, not loud or obnoxious- but most of all, content with what she had and smiled genuinely, happily for the sake of smiling- not fooling someone. Unlike many other girls who spend hours prettying themselves up, she didn't. Even though she didn't, I found myself a prisoner of her beauty. Why? I wish I knew.

And her name was Luka.

She wasn't athletic nor was she the most intelligent student, popular or outstanding through the eyes of an ordinary girl. But to me, she was dazzling. I think it was the passive confidence, the knowing confidence she did not have to flaunt. I knew that she did Art. Not that I've ever seen her in the Art Wing, or even more, in an Art Classroom. I doubt she's in any clubs, considering she'd be studying for exams soon and graduating. But I can imagine her in an Art classroom, it suited her aura perfectly.

This beautiful girl sitting on a wooden stool, a large sketchbook rested on her knees and a mechanical pencil in her hand whilst she drew intensely. The sound of the led scratching across the surface of the thin paper in the silence of the classroom of concentrating students. Those captivating eyes focused on her piece of art whilst her spare hand brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ears… Those large windows allowing natural light and the azure coloured sky with pale clouds that blended into the background, the sound of the terribly old clock ticking as she drew silently…

I sighed. Miki glances at me with genuine concern. "You okay?"

I nod.

She already has a boyfriend though. What was I hoping? No one could miss a girl like her. He attends another school though. Rumour has it that he'll transfer here next year. I hope that doesn't happen. They met during language school, since he also moved to Japan recently. Luka's Japanese is really good though, or according to those who have spoken to her.

Why don't I want him to come?

I don't know.

Maybe I will get angry and frustrated.

Or disappointed knowing I have no chance of competing with him.

I wanted to tell my friends they had it easy. They could pour out their problems on me but I could never do that to them. Firstly, they were all in the same grade- isn't that convenient? They are also in the same home group, some even have lessons together, others know each other through a mutual friend- so talking to each other is normal, others have even gotten a step further, knowing this person's e-mail, phone number, they talk online… They still had time.

But me? I have none of that. I just knew that this beautiful girl was called Luka, she's here on exchange, she's two years older than me and she has a Chinese boyfriend.

I have no time. Within a year or two, she would have graduated, maybe moved back to her country for university, get married, settle down and live a quiet, conservative life. I would never see her again. I don't know her hobbies, her interests, her taste in music, her thoughts on life... I don't know her fashion sense, her favourite food, her favourite colour, favourite movie or anything of the sort. I don't know her personality well enough, I don't even know what her voice sounds like, I don't know how beautiful she actually is up-close, what she finds funny, what type of people she likes, her weird quirks, her secrets...

All I have is less than one hour a day, sometimes not even guaranteed, to see this girl who doesn't even know of my existence laughing from afar with her circle of close-knit friends. If only I was born two years earlier, then maybe I would have a chance.

What exactly is falling in love?
Since I've met her, I've looked at myself.
Do I want to be with her? Or do I wish to become her?

I don't think this feeling is love.
Perhaps obsession.
Or the wanting, desiring of something you can't have.

My heart doesn't beat fast when I see her. My throat doesn't go dry. I don't get butterflies in my tummy. So what is this?

I often joked around with Miki,
"Say, if I was a guy, taller than her boyfriend, darker than her boyfriend and heaps sexier she'd go out with me right?"
She'd laugh and shake me in a playful way, "Go get a sex-change then!"
I'd growl frustrated, "But I like my boobs, plus I'm comfortable in my body and I don't wanna be a guy."

That's right.

If I was a guy, it would work out okay.

But I'm not.

What am I searching for? Who am I? What am I? Why do I feel this way?
If only I woke up one day sure of myself, so that nothing could make my heart waver.

I don't know what love is.

All I know is that…
Looking at her, I see the mistakes in myself. I wish to become stronger so that she could depend on me.
She makes me wish to be a better person.
A better person so maybe one day,
She'll turn around and notice me,
and maybe smile at me,
and maybe we could…
Be together.

But the thing is, I have never spoken a single word to her.

xxx

A/N; Hey guys~ I know this is a really weird update since I didn't put this anywhere. I suddenly felt like writing LOL. This is sort-of based on a real story. Hahaha~ I wish I had the guts. Urp. Sorry about all the shitty grammatical errors. If you find any fix up for me in the reviews? It's 'pree late and I'm really tired today. Sorry. I just felt like uploading. R&R if you have time~