Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of Soul Calibur. Namco does!
A/N: Oh yeah! Start of another new comedy series. If you ever watched the cartoon "Dave the Barbarian", than I think you'd probably like this. Well, without further adieu, I give you "The Adventures of Nightmare the Barabian"!
Nightmare-The dimwitted main character and the barbarian.
Soul Edge- Nightmare's talking sword. Very sarcastic and nags...alot.
Tira-Crazy younger sister who likes to hurt and kill things.
Ivy- Older sister who runs the kingdom when the parents are away.
Zasalamel-Uncle who is keeping an eye on things. A very lousy wizard who wants to kill his annoying nieces and nephew.
Lizardman-Nightmare's beloved pet. Eats pratically everything in sight.
Long ago, in the distant land of Germany, there was a village called Ostreinsburg. The village was ruled by a king and a queen. One day, they had to leave the village to defeat the evil monsters of the world. The king left his eldest daughter, Ivy, watch over the kingdom and boss the peasants around. The middle child, Nightmare, became the villages main protecter...even though he was the biggest coward in the land. The youngest child, Tira, basically got to follow Nightmare around and throw things at him. The king also asked his brother, Zasalamel, to keep an eye on the kids, even though he really hated his nieces and nephew. And now, the story begins...finally.
Nightmare streched out his arm and performed his battle cry. He reached down and picked up something...a ribbon that was hot glued to a stick. He began twirling the ribbon gracefully in the air. Soul Edge, who was stuck in the ground under a large tree, rolled it's eye.
Soul Edge: Are you done yet?
Nightmare stopped his performance for a second and looked at Soul Edge.
Nightmare: Not yet! I need to perfectly execute the finale!
Soul Edge let out a groan and closed it's eye. Nightmare began twirling the ribbon faster and did a cart-wheel. He ran and threw the ribbon into the air. As he was running to the projected place where the ribbon would land, something went totally wrong. A dark figure ran out of nowhere and tripped Nightmare. Nightmare fell flat on his face. The ribbon's stick fell as well and hitted Nightmare on the head. Nightmare rubbed his head and slowly got up. He looked over his shoulder and saw who tripped him. It was his younger sister, Tira.
Tira: Hahaha! Your such a sissy boy!
Nightmare: Who said?!
Tira: The "Ostreinsburg Gazette" said so.
She held up a newspaper. Nightmare got closer to see what it said. In big bold letters, the paper said 'Ostreinsburg's Biggest Sissy: Nightmare'. Right under the headline was a picture of Nightmare sitting in the bathtub playing with a rubber ducky. Nightmare's jaw dropped.
Nightmare: I'm no sissy! I have one of the strongest and most sophisticated swords in the world!
Soul Edge: Nightmare! What did I tell you about bragging?!
Nightmare: Sigh...That bragging about the sword is wrong and it will get me in trouble...
Soul Edge: That's my boy! Now...GET ME OUT OF THE GROUND! My blade is getting dirty.
Nightmare rolled his eyes and walked over to Soul Edge. He grabbed the Cursed Sword's handle and yanked it out of the ground. Then, a scream pierced the quiet air and Nightmare and Tira looked towards the castle. Zasalamel stromed out of the castle and went over to the two.
Zasalamel: That annoying older sister of yours needs you, people...
Tira: Oh great! What does she need now?
Zasalamel: Hell if I know. But you morons better get in there before she tears the castle apart.
Nightmare looked over at Tira. Tira shrugged before walking towards the castle. Nightmare stayed behind for a little bit with his uncle Zasalamel.
Zasalamel: Well...aren't you going with her?
Nightmare: Not until you come with...
Zasalamel: Man, I hate you kids...Nightmare, Tira has a steak with her and she was saving it for you.
Nightmare: Are you serious? Tira wait up!!
Nightmare, with Soul Edge in his hands, ran toward the castle. Now that Zasalamel was alone he let a out a sigh of relief.
Zasalamel:...I hate those damn kids...
When Tira and Nightmare entered the throne room, they saw their older sister, Ivy, pacing around the room and cussing up a storm. Nightmare's beloved pet, Lizardman, was curled up on the floor sleeping peacefully.
Tira: Um...Ivy. What's wrong?
Ivy: What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?! I'll tell you what's wrong! I found a zit on my face!
Tira tilted her head. Nightmare, on the other hand, was too busy petting Lizardman. Soul Edge was stuck into the ground right next to Nightmare and Lizardman. Ivy stormed over to Soul Edge, waking up the sleeping sword. Soul Edge looked at Ivy.
Soul Edge: What do you want?
Ivy: Can't you make this ugly thing on my face disappear?
Soul Edge's eye narrowed and looked at the facial blemish. It was nothing more than a tiny red dot.
Soul Edge: I can hardly see it...So no. It'll go away by itself...
Ivy: What?! Your an all powerful sword. The least you can do is clear it up!
Soul Edge: No! What is so important that you want me to clear up something like that?
Ivy: There's a party I have to go too. And I'm NOT going there with a giant zit on my face!
Tira walked up to Ivy and examined her face.
Tira:...It isn't that big. I mean, it could like that one time when you were fourteen. Remember? You had like a huge, Godzilla sized zit that-
Ivy grabbed her sword, Alarune, and slapped Tira with it. Tira yelped and glared at Ivy.
Soul Edge: Ask you uncle! He's bound to have at least one spell up his sleeve.
Ivy: Hell no! You remember last time he tried a spell to get rid of a zit on Nightmare's face? That idiot turned Nightmare's head into a chicken head! It took that dumbass uncle of ours two weeks to figure out a spell to change him back. But I think Zasalamel purposely waited forever...
Soul Edge:...Since when has Nightmare has a face?
Nightmare, who was still petting the sleeping Lizardman, looked over at the sword and glared at it.
Nightmare: Hey! I do to have a face! A very nice face too...
Tira: It's true! I've seen it before!
Ivy: Oh, shut up...You're lying and you know it.
Tira sticks her tounge out at Ivy before walking over to Nightmare and petting Lizardman's head. Ivy looked back at Soul Edge and continued complaining.
Ivy: Please Soul Edge! I'll do anything!
Soul Edge: Please! You kids always say that. Once you said "I'll give you my soul if you get me a date with the hottest man in Ostreinsburg.". Then, I went to his house and said "Hey! Go out with Nightmare's sister or else I'll devour your soul!". He went out with you and I didn't get your soul! Instead, you gave me a candy bar and said "This candy bar will give you super powers.". So I took took that instead. And guess what? I DON'T HAVE A MOUTH!!
Ivy had a sly smile on her face and pulled something out of her outfit. Soul Edge's eye got big.
Soul Edge: What...What is that?
Ivy: It's candy bar that will give you super powers.
Nightmare, over hearing Ivy and Soul Edge, ran up to Ivy and tried to get the candy bar out of her hand. Ivy held the candy bar up into the air and placed her other hand on Nightmare's forehead. Nightmare was trying to get the candy bar but couldn't because his sister was holding it too high.
Nightmare: Gimme that you meanie! Gimme! Nighty wants candy.
Tira looked over at Nightmare and her voice went into her creepy, emo kid mood.
Tira: Oh, shut up! It's just a freakin' candy bar.
Nightmare: You shut up! I want that candy!
Ivy kicked Nightmare in the gut, went flying and crashed into one of the paintings. This woke up Lizardman. When Nightmare was able to get out of the painting, Lizardman grabbed is axe and sheild and ran over to Nightmare. With his axe and sheild high in the air, he began chasing Nightmare around the throne room.
Nightmare: Down, Lizzy! Down! It's me! Nightmare!
Lizardman continued to chase Nightmare. Tira and Soul Edge were entertained by the specticual. Ivy, on the other hand, was getting angrier with each passing moment. Then, Alarune extended to whip form and she whipped both Nightmare and Lizardman. Lizardman hissed at Ivy before cowering to the corner. Nightmare screamed and whimpered.
Nightmare: Ouch! Your rose whip is pointy!
Ivy: I know. I sharpened the thorns last night.
Nightmare: Why?! Wasn't it sharp enough?
Ivy: Hm...No. Now, Soul Edge, do we have a deal?
Soul Edge went back to looking at the candy bar.
Soul Edge: Will it seriously give me super powers?
Ivy: Yes it will...All you have to do is rub it on your steel.
Soul Edge: OK then! I'll help you with your zit. Now give me that candy!
Ivy: Pleasure doing business with you...NIGHTMARE! GET OVER HERE AND PUT THE CANDY ON YOUR SWORD!!
Soul Edge: Yeah! I want my super powers! I don't have all day!
Nightmare growled and crawled over to his sword. Ivy threw the candy bar right in front of Soul Edge and Nightmare picked it up. Nightmare opened up the wrapper that the candy was in and started rubbing the choclate on Soul Edge. When Nightmare was finished, Soul Edge felt re-energized.
Soul Edge: Alrighty then, Ivy! I'll go help you with your zit!
Ivy let out a quick chuckle as she looked at the chocolate covered sword. She grabbed the sword's handle and walked out of the throne room and to her room. Nightmare, Lizardman and Tira we're still in the throne room when Zasalamel entered. He quickly sniffed the air and answered in a monotone.
Zasalamel: OK...which one of you morons were cooking in the throne room again because I smell chocolate.
Tira: Ivy pulled another con on Soul Edge.
Zasalamel:...Wow...for an all powerful sword, it sure is a dumbass.
Ivy and Soul Edge were now in Ivy's room. The room is large and the walls are pink. On the walls are posters of half-naked men like Yun Seong, Kilik and the hottest male model in Ostreinsburg, Siegfried. A bed with curtains around it is right next to the window. Right next to the door was a large mirror over a desk with a lot of make-up stuff on it. Ivy and Soul Edge went over to the mirror.
Ivy: OK! Now that swore you'll help me, get this zit off my face!
Soul Edge: Alright, alright...First, I want you to spin around in a circle.
Ivy looked at Soul Edge blankly.
Ivy: Your serious...
Soul Edge: Yes I am! Now do it if you want that zit to go away.
Ivy shrugged and then spinned around in a circle.
Soul Edge: Good. Now I want you to stop and repeat after me.
Ivy stopped and nodded her head slowly.
Soul Edge: I, Ivy...
Ivy: I, Ivy...
Soul Edge: Of free mind and will...
Ivy: Of free mind and will...
Soul Edge: Want Soul Edge to cure my unsiteful facial blemish.
Ivy:...What's up with this? Why do I have to say this stuff?
Soul Edge: Because if I do anything wrong, then you won't sue me.
Ivy was now getting very impatient. She pulled out Alarune and held it up to Soul Edge's eye.
Ivy: GET RID OF MY ZIT OR I'LL DESTROY YOU!!
Soul Edge: OK, OK! Geez...settle down. Now, close your eyes.
Ivy sighed and closed her eyes.
Soul Edge: Open your eyes and look into the mirror.
Ivy opened her eyes slowly and looked into the mirror. She was happy to find that the zit that was on her face has disappeared.
Ivy: Soul Edge! Thank you so much! Now...get out of my room. I need to get ready.
Soul Edge: I'm sorry, dearie. I have no legs.
Ivy: Oh...Allow me than to help you out.
Ivy grabbed Soul Edge's handle, opened the door, walked down to the staircase and threw Soul Edge down the stairs.
Soul Edge: YOU JERK!!
Ivy: No hard feelings!
When Soul Edge got to the end of the stairs, Nightmare, Tira and Zasalamel were waiting down there. Soul Edge landed flat onto one side and let out a groan. Nightmare ran over to the sword's aid followed by Tira. Zasalamel was too busy shining his already shiny scythe.
Nightmare: Soul Edge! Speak to me!
Soul Edge didn't answer.
Tira: Is it dead?
Soul Edge: I'm not dead! That sister of yours threw me down the stairs!
Nightmare: Were you able to get that zit?
Soul Edge: Yeah...
Tira: Does she look normal?
Soul Edge: Yeah...
Zasalamel: Will you morons stop asking stupid questions?
Tira and Nightmare: No!
It is exactly eight o' clock and its a half hour till that party Ivy is going to. In the main hall, Nightmare, Lizardman, Tira, Soul Edge, and Zasalamel were waiting to see how good or bad Ivy looked. Nightmare was playing fetch with Lizardman. Tira was twirling one her black pigtails with her finger and using the Eisrene Drossel as a hulla-hoop. Soul Edge was sleeping and Zasalamel was writing in his journal. Then, there was a knock at the door. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at the door.
Nightmare: Tira! Get the door!
Tira: I'm not getting the door! You get it!
Nightmare: I'm busy! You get it!
Zasalamel: I'll kill both of you if no one gets it.
Nightmare and Tira stopped arguing and both got the door. Nightmare opened the door. Outside was a man in a very fancy outfit. The two were guessing he was Ivy's date to the party.
The man: Hello! My name is Raphael. I'm here to pick up my date.
Raphael stared at Tira and oogled her up and down. A smile came across Raphel's face. He took Tira's hand and kissed it.
Raphael: You must be Ivy. My...you are rather lovely.
Tira glared at Raphael. Nightmare glared at the French dude as well.
Tira: I'm not Ivy...she's my sister.
Nightmare: What are you doing to my little sister?
Raphael looked at Nightmare and examined him.
Raphael: Aren't you Ostreinsburg's biggest sissy?
Nightmare: No I'm not! I'm the bravest warrior in this place!
Raphael rolled his eyes and strolled on in. He saw Zasalamel, who was continuing writing in his journal. He also noticed the sword that was sleeping. Lizardman suddenly popped out in front of Raphael, startling him.
Raphael: Ew! What is this beast?
Nightmare: That's my pet! Lizzy, come!
Lizardman didn't listen and listen to his master and glared at Raphael.
Ivy: Lizardman! Get away from my date.
Ivy was walking down the stairs. She was wearing a dress that was very revealing. She had no zit on her face. Raphale stared at Ivy's womanly "assets" for the longest time. Lizardman whipped his tail around and hit Raphael before scurrying off.
Raphael: Damnation! You beast!
Ivy placed an arm on Raphael's shoulder and smiled nervously.
Ivy: Don't mind him! He always does that when we have guests.
Raphael nodded his head. Nightmare and Tira were glaring at Ivy's date. Ivy saw them glaring at him and hissed at them to stop it. The two rolled their eyes and walked over to their uncle.
Raphael: Um...Let's get going my dear. We'll be late if we don't get going.
Ivy: Alright.
She looked over at her family and waved.
Ivy: Good-bye!
Ivy and Raphael exitted the castle and went to the wating carriage. Now that they were gone, Tira let out a sigh of relief.
Tira: I'm glad that weirdo is gone!
Nightmare: He's more of a dim wit than me!
Zasalamel began laughing very hard waking Soul Edge up.
Soul Edge: What's your problem?
Zasalamel:...Nothing...
At the party, everyone is exitting their carriages and ntering the Grand Hall of a giant castle. The castle was in neighboring town near the town of Ostreinsburg. The town was a lot nicer than Ostreinsburg. The air quality was better and there was no smell of a rotting corpse.
Raphael exitted the carriage first, then helped Ivy out. When Ivy got out, she was amazed by the the castle. The castle was very well lit and there were guards outside. Real guards! Not guards that were ressurected from the grave that sit around and play cards the entire day. These guards were living and breathing and throwing out any peasants that tried to break in.
Raphael: Come on my sweet. Let us go inside.
Ivy nodded and went inside with Raphael. The guard stopped them at the door.
Guard: Is your name on the list?
Raphael: Yes it is...names Raphael Sorel.
Guard examins the list, looked at Raphael and then looked back at the list.
Guard: Sorry. Your name is not on the list. Move along on I will use deadly force.
Raphael: What a joke! I am so on the list!
Another Guard: Is there a problem sir?
Raphael: Yes there is! Your co-worker says my name isn't on the list! My name is Raphael Sorel.
The other guard looks over the list the first guard has, then looks up at Raphael.
Guard 2: Your name is not on the list.
Ivy pushed Raphael out of the way.
Ivy: Let me handle this...Ecuse me, gentlemen.
Ivy got to the two guards attention alright, but not with her voice...
Guards 1 and 2: Yes ma'am?
Ivy: I'm sure I'm on the list. My name is Ivy Valintine. And this is my guest who came with me.
She pointed at Raphael. Without even looking at the list, the two guards nodded and let Ivy and Raphael in. Raphael scowled at the guards while Ivy smiled at the two. She thanked them and walked into the castle with Raphael following. The grand hall of the castle was just inside as it was outside. Unlike the black colored walls of the Ostreinsburg castle, the walls were painted white and gold and had very large paintings of people who are or close to being dead. Hundreds of people were dancing or standing next to the punch bowl talking about how much Nightmare is and will always be a sissy. Ivy and Raphael walked down the stairs and onto the dance floor.
Raphael wrapped his arm around Ivy's waist. Ivy's smile became a frown.
Ivy: What are you doing?
Raphael: Well, you ARE my date. So I'm being your date.
Ivy: If you don't want a broken arm I suggest you get your paws off me.
Raphael quickly took back his arm. When the two reached the bottom of the stairs, Ivy felt light-headed. She placed a hand on her forehead and felt dizzy. Raphael grabbed one of her arms to help her stand.
Raphael: You OK, my sweet?
Ivy: I'm fine. I need to go to the bathroom...
Raphael: Alright, but don't be-
Before Raphael could even finish his sentence, Ivy ran as fast as she could to the bathroom. When she got to the bathroom, she didn't have to throw up. Instead, she looked at her reflection in the large mirrors of the bathroom. Her face was not soft and clear of zits anymore. Her face was covered with zits. She screamed.
Ivy: As soon as I get home, SOUL EDGE IS DEAD!! But I cannot be seen like this here. I will not grace the cover of the Ostreinsburg Gazette. Thats Nightmare's job.
A woman walked in and Ivy jumped on the poor woman. She ripped off the bottom of the fancy dress and wrapped the fabric around her face. The woman screamed and tried to exit the ladies room. Instead of freedom, though, she ran into the door and fell unconscious onto the floor. Ivy, the fabric avoided covering her eyes, rolled her eyes and exitted the restroom.
Acting like a ninja, she tried as best and silently,against a wall, as she could to exit the castle without being seen. Sadly, because her face was wrapped up and she was the only person there wearing a slutty dress, everyone saw her. The room was quiet and several chuckles were heard in the background. Ivy stopped and looked at the crowd that was staring at her.
Ivy: Um...Did you people try the fruit cocktails? I heard they taste very good.
No one answered. Then, some idiot in the background yelled-
Some Idiot: Fruit cocktail gimme!
Then the entire crowd looked at the idiot, giving Ivy the perfect opportunity to escape. She found the nearest window and jumped out of it. Unfortunatly, the window was on the second floor. But luckily, Ivy landed on a rosebush...Wait a sec, that isn't very lucky...
Anyway, after picking thorns off of her, she stole a horse and rode all the way home.
Nightmare and Tira were hastilly washing the caked on choclate off of Soul Edge. Zasalamel was polishing his sycthe for the hundreth time today. Lizardman was sleeping at Zasalamel's feet, purring like a happy kitten. (A/N: I know lizards can't purr. But Lizardman is an exception!) Soul Edge, who still beileves that the candy bar would give it super powers, glared at Nightmare and Tira.
Soul Edge: I do not understand why you two have to wash off the super power bar.
Tira: Soul Edge, you were conned by Ivy...again. Even Nightmare knows that and he's dumber than you.
Nightmare glared at Tira.
Nightmare: I'm not dumb! My mom thinks I'm special.
Tira threw a dagger at Nightmare's face. The dim witted barbarian dodged it and looked at Tira as if she said the f-word or something.
Soul Edge: But why do I need a bath? Will it give me even more power?
Tira: Sure...You'll become even more powerful...
Suddenly, the door flew open. Nightmare, being the coward he is, screamed and hid behind the couch. In the doorway, was an angry Ivy who was glaring at Soul Edge and taking deep breaths. She stomped over to the cursed sword.
Ivy: Look what you did to my face!
Soul Edge narrowed it's eye and looked closely at her face, which is still covered by that fabric she stole from that lady. Zasalamel, who was actually intrigued, walked over to look at his niece's face as well.
Soul Edge: What? I don't see anything.
Ivy growled and took off the fabric that was around her face, revealing the horrible zit field that was planted on her face. Tira tried desperatly not to laugh. Nightmare, who was looking from over the back of the couch, screamed and hide once again. Lizardman, who awoke when Ivy came in, cowered to the back of the couch and hid with Nightmare. Zasalamel rolled his eyes.
Zasalamel: Wow...That's actually an improvement if you ask me.
Ivy: Not funny! Why did this happen?
Soul Edge:...I don't know! Never trust the magic of the evil sword.
At the end of it's sentence, Soul Edge let out a menacing hissing noise. Tira exploded into laughter. Ivy grabbed Alarune and hit her younger sister with it. Tira glared at Ivy before mumbling.
Tira: Karma sure is a bi-
Ivy: What was that?!
Tira stuck out her tounge before walking upstairs to her room.
Ivy: Excuse me, now. I must go to my room and cope with this.
Ivy held her nose up in the air and stormed up to her room. Nightmare poked his head out from behind couch.
Nightmare: Is the ailen gone?
Soul Edge: Yes Nightmare. She is.
Nightmare crawled out and stood up. Lizardman followed after his master.
Nightmare: I'm going to bed. Come on Lizardman!
He grabbed Soul Edge's handle and dragged it upstairs with him. Lizardman followed after him. Zasalamel let out a sigh.
Zasalamel: I hate those damn kids...
At the end of the party, Raphael walked out of the castle, completely unaware of Ivy's disappearance.
Raphael: My, that was a lovely party! Don't you think my sweet?
No one answered and no one was near him.
Raphael: Ivy? Where are you?!
He paniced and looked around the castle frantically. After not being able to find her, he fell to his knees dramatically and yelled up at the sky.
Raphael: IVY!!
End of Episode 1.
A/N: So what do you think about this new series? If you like it and want me to make more, say so in a review. I you hate and want it to burn, tell me in very nice words. No mean words or else I'll get angry, and you wouldn't like it if I'm angry... Anyways...thanks for reading!