Nothing
Silence.
Silence and nothing else.
I don't ever want to see you again.
That's what she needed tonight. The silence. The void. The emptiness.
It had been such a long day. Probably one of the worst days in her life. Scratch that, certainly one of the worst, if not the worst.
The sin isn't in the thing, it's in the scandal when people talk about it aloud.
The talk with her grandmother, the guilt, the rejection… It had all been too much. And when it was too much for her to take, Santana only had one way to deal with it.
So after everything, after she was able to pull herself back together and walk out of her grandmother's house, she drove her car all the way back to McKinley, ignoring her phone constantly buzzing in the backseat. She knew Brittany would worry, but she was also aware that she always knew where to find her when she didn't answer.
She parked her car on the empty parking lot and walked directly towards the gymnasium, the high school only lightened up by the dim light of the moon. As co-captain of the Cheerios, Sue had made sure Santana would have her own key of the sports facilities, so that she could get the training practices ready first thing in the morning, while Sue made routine plans in her office. Of course Santana used the key on other occasions, but nobody needed to know about that.
She unlocked the locker's room door, but instead of making a left and going inside the gymnasium, she took a right and walked towards the swimming pool. Once in the room, she went directly to the control panel next to the door and punched a few buttons, turning off the alarm and switching on the lights of the swimming pool, filling the room with a soft blue light.
It's selfish of you to make me uncomfortable, me da una vergüenza…
She shook her head to try to clear her thoughts, but her grandmother's face was still there, judging her, detailing her harshly, disgusted, looking at her like she didn't know who she was anymore. She needed to act, fast. She needed to get rid of the feelings, of the pain, of the thoughts. So she quickly undressed, taking off her shoes, her jacket and her dress, freeing her hair but keeping her underwear on – you never knew, rumor had it that the janitor sleepwalked at night through the halls of McKinley.
The air was cold against her skin and she shivered, covering the last feet separating her from the swimming pool in a few steps.
She grabbed the ladder and first put a foot in the water, shivering at the freezing sensation against her skin. Principal Figgins didn't want to lose money on unimportant matters, so the swimming pool was barely heated even during the winter. Santana knew it, but it never stopped her from coming here anytime she needed to free her mind. And right now, she needed it more than ever.
I want you to leave this house.
Her grandmother's voice was stuck in her mind, repeating the same few sentences over and over again, and suddenly the cold water wasn't so repellent anymore. She let go of the ladder and let herself fall into the water, submerging herself completely.
The silence hit her as soon as she went underwater, and the relief was immediate. The complete silence always helped her think. Or more precisely, stop thinking.
She came back to the surface, taking a deep breath before starting to swim, feeling the water against her body and the way her arms and legs hit the surface again and again. But soon it wasn't enough; the thoughts were still there, in the back of her mind. She came to a stop in the middle of the swimming pool and took a deep, deep breath before sinking underwater and letting her body still under the surface; everything disappeared instantly.
The silence was calming. The water enveloped her like a second skin, a protective shield against the raging world outside. It felt like everything had stopped, and her thoughts had stopped accordingly. No more harsh words. No more judging looks. No more grandmother, no more politicians, no more Finn Hudson, no more people. Nothing. Just a body in the deep blue water, an empty envelope that didn't need to think, to move, to talk, to explain. Nothing. And right now, nothing felt like the only thing she could deal with.
Maybe she didn't need to come back to the surface. Maybe she could just stay in the water and keep feeling like nothing. Nothing felt so much better than feeling like crap. The emptiness was a blessing, the void in her mind way better than in her chest, the lack of gravity so much better when you didn't need to hold on to anything to keep you afloat. Nothing felt like something she could do.
The blue light she could see through her eyelids was fading as the oxygen slowly left her body. Nothing felt nice. Nothing was good. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Noth…
Right when her world was about to fade to black, she felt two strong hands grab her hips and pull her up. She didn't want to go up. Up was where all the problems were, where thoughts and feelings would come back, where she would have to deal with things. She just wanted to stay a little longer in the water, but the arms wrapped around her waist had a mind of their own, and she didn't have the strength to fight them anyway.
Her head broke through the surface, and silence disappeared as suddenly as cold air hit her face. The emptiness faded to leave place to an explosion of sensations, sounds and feelings, and she took a breath she hadn't realized she had been holding, coughing and gasping for air. She suddenly felt vicariously aware of the whole atmosphere around her; the ventilation system running in the room, the cold air hitting her face while her body was still surrounded by the relative warmth of the water, the strong arms wrapped around her waist that hadn't let go off her, the uneven breathing close to her ear. She kept her eyes closed, not ready to add a new sense to her already overwhelmed mind. Her body was still, letting the stranger keep her afloat and guide her through the water.
Everyone has secrets, Santana. They're called secrets for a reason.
The thoughts were back, and she felt tears immediately welling up in her eyes and rolling down her damp cheeks, mingling with the water. She wanted to go back to the emptiness. She wanted to go back to feeling nothing.
The stranger's arms let her go for just a second and she felt herself sink back into the water, before they were back and grabbed her around her waist again, pulling her dead weight out of the water and onto the cold hard floor. She shivered and instinctively curled into a fetal position, already missing the warmth of the water and the comfort of the arms wrapped around her. She heard footsteps walking away, and her mind begged for the person to come back; but her body was drained, and she couldn't bring herself to emit any sound. She hugged her legs tighter, her eyes still closed, memories playing again and again in her mind.
You made your choice, now I have made mine.
Her body shuddered as she emitted a small sob, the loneliness adding up to the overwhelming mix of sensations and emotions. But soon she heard the sound of the footsteps coming back, and the hands were here again, wrapping her in a fluffy towel and pulling her into the person's lap. She sunk into the embrace, pressing against the other body and gripping the damp fabric of the clothes in her fist as tears kept falling. One hand was now rubbing soothing circles on her back, the other caressing her hair, her neck, her cheeks, wiping away the tears and tearing her away from the memories of the night.
And then there was a voice, soft and caring, reassuring, almost a murmur above her.
"I'm here, Santana. I'm here and I'm not letting you go."
Her grip around the other person's shirt loosened and she buried herself deeper into the embrace, wishing for the voice to speak again.
"Look at me, San. Can you open your eyes and look at me?"
She wanted to, she wanted to listen to the voice and do what it said, but her eyelids were too heavy. She wanted to look at that person, look at her face and take it all in; she knew it would make it real, more real than that other face filling her memories, that face filled with sadness and anger and disappointment. But her body was drained, and she didn't have the strength to open her eyes.
"I'm right here, look. Open your eyes."
The hand was back on her cheek, cold against her skin but soft and loving, and it gave her the strength she needed to open her eyes and look up.
And then she saw eyes, blue as the deep blue water, and the light in them was enough to convince her to keep her own eyes open just so she could stare at them.
"Good. I'm glad you're back. Are you ok?"
She imperceptibly nodded. The blue, blue eyes stared back at her, and a small smile appeared right under; and then she saw the rest of the face, the sad smile, the light frown of the eyebrows, the long damp blonde hair, the skin glowing in the blue light of the swimming pool. She couldn't tear herself away from it, and the rest was instantly forgotten; no memories, no thoughts, no words and nobody else. And it was way better than the emptiness from underwater, and the soft voice that kept saying soothing words was better than the silence of the other world.
She lost herself in the contemplation of the face, taking it all in like she was seeing it for the first time, hanging on to it until she felt the need to touch it, to make sure it was really here. She struggled with the towel to get her hand out and reached out, sliding her hand against the cold cheek as the other closed her eyes, leaning into the touch. She kept her hand there, watching as the other's chest rose up and down, feeling how the hand rubbing her back slowed down imperceptibly.
She felt an impulse, tugging inside her chest, and her body instinctively moved, following a command she didn't realize she had sent, the towel falling a little bit from her body as she sat up in front of the other person. She was smaller but in that position, her face was almost at the same height as the other face. The blue eyes opened again, looking at her with a curious look, and her hand slid on the face, tracing the other's cheek, her jaw, her collarbone, her fingers stopping for a second on the lips before dropping her hand down and grabbing on the other's one, lacing their fingers together. She looked into the blue eyes again, docile and waiting, and finally leaned down, slowly, closing her eyes as the distance closed up. Her lips touched the other's, softly, sweetly, and stayed there for a second before she drew back, opening her eyes again as the blue eyes opened to look at her.
She felt another impulse in her chest, pushing her to open her mouth and pronounce her first words since her weak "Abuela…" whispered earlier this evening.
"I love you." She said in a quiet voice, never looking away.
"I love you too." The other said quietly, blue eyes still planted in hers.
The honesty and love in those words had never been as powerful as in that moment, and the wave of emotions took Santana aback. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around the other's waist as she enveloped her in her arms, letting themselves sink into each other's embrace.
I love you.
And that overwhelming flow of feelings, the body against her, the blue eyes and the sentence repeating again and again in her mind, all of this was so much better than underwater, than the void, the silence and the emptiness.
It was all so much better than Nothing.