Darkest Hour
By: Zellie
"Ain't no sunshine when she's gone/Only darkness every day/Ain't no sunshine when she's gone and this house just ain't no home/Anytime she goes away"
– "Ain't No Sunshine," Otis Redding.
Minako-chan was my sunshine. She would walk into a room and I saw the shadows disappear. She was my light.
It had only been a few moments since they had retreated. It was the first time in a very, very long while that the team had retreated at all, and now the silence that surrounded the senshi was deafening. There was a shocked horror that had settled among the group. Nine women had left for battle, eight returned. Though, it wasn't the first time they had lost a girl in battle, this loss felt very final. There seemed no miraculous re-birth or reappearance of the missing girl, and that knowledge fell heavily among them as Haruka carried Minako's motionless body back to her car. The rest of the senshi followed behind her, in a mock processional. Usagi was sobbing softly, wracked with guilt and pain. Ami was trying her best to console her, but the grief she felt was preventing any rational arguments she could provide. Makoto was furious; the air crackled around her as she walked. Rei trailed behind them all, seemingly numb and impassive.
I think it was her smile. Whenever I watched Minako smile, I felt the sun's rays kissing me on a warm summer afternoon.
They all hurt. As a team they had failed. Each and every one of them was responsible for Minako's death. Reality hadn't set in yet. Shock and denial were the emotions that were on the forefront of everyone's minds. Shock, denial and guilt. Every girl replayed the moment again and again in her mind, trying to comprehend where it went wrong; what she should have done to prevent it. No one had the answers.
Rei severely doubted that anyone felt the depth of pain that she did. The light in her life, the laughter and part of her soul she had let slide into her best friend was gone. The processional back to Haruka's car was the longest walk she had ever taken. Every step she took left a shock that reverberated inside her soul. Though she was only a few feet away from the car, she felt as if she was on a different continent entirely. Even the smallest blades of grass that bent and wilted under her footsteps were magnified threefold. The whole world was suddenly so much bigger. It was big and empty.
Minako had this warmth about her. She was tirelessly attempting to cheer people up. I remember one time she even dressed up as a teddy bear when I was down to get me to laugh. She was always doing something like that to make anyone laugh. I loved her for it. I'd never be brave enough to pull that off. She always knew the exact moment to strike, too. She was a vehicle of ultimate, instant happiness.
The silence was broken as they reached the road. Haruka gently set Minako's body into the backseat. She reached in and fastened the seat belt over the smaller blonde's body. When she straightened up again, she clenched her fist and resisted the urge to punch the side of her car. It wasn't fair. She sucked in a breath to steady herself. "I can take three of you with me. We'll go back to the palace." Haruka didn't meet anyone's gaze.
"I want to be with her," Usagi said softly. She stood at the side of the convertible, gently stroking Minako's hair. No one else moved or spoke. Finally, after a minute, Haruka nodded and opened her door. Usagi walked around the car and slid in to place next to Minako.
"We'll see you back there," Haruka said as she turned on the ignition of the car. She pulled slowly away from the curb and the group watched her in silence as she drove off. At this, Ami wept openly. Makoto wrapped her arms around the slender girl's shoulders.
There was darkness in her eyes as she spoke. "Who wants to tell Kunzite and Artemis?" Setsuna asked. "I am willing," she offered, but her eyes sought out Rei.
Minako was always the first person to try and make up after a fight. I could hold grudges until the end of time. She never wanted an argument to go on for long. Sometimes, she was quiet about it. One word, a quick hug; all was forgotten. Most of the time, though, making up was a production. She would always tell me, "The sun shouldn't set on an argument." If she was involved, most of the time it wouldn't. I always thought that quality was so admirable. She knew how to keep the peace, and would push to make sure everyone would get along. It was a talent, really. I was usually the one starting a fight. We balanced each other out; that's what made our bond so special.
"I should go," Rei said softly. "I'll go."
"Would you like me to come with you?" Michiru asked. Rei shook her head.
"No."
"You don't have to do this alone," Makoto offered. "We should all go."
Rei shook her head again. "No, it should be me. Kunzite doesn't need all of us there for this. I will go, and I'll go alone. There are other tasks to attend to at the palace. They will need the rest of you there." With that Rei turned away from the other girls. If anyone should tell Kunzite that his lover was dead, it had to be her best friend. She started to walk to her best friend's home. Former home, she corrected herself.
We had this game that we would play. She and I would go to the cafe, sit by the window and watch people. Minako loved to watch people. We would make up little stories of the people we saw. They didn't have to be particularly interesting people. They could be anyone. Minako always had interesting stories about the people's lives. I was never creative enough to come up with anything more than an emergency run for apples. She could tell a person's whole life story just by taking one look at them. I always wondered if there was any time that she was right about those stories. They'd be so incredible, but just crazy to the point that they could be true. She was always so good at reading people; I bet she was right most of the time. She was certainly right about me.
The sun was setting as Rei stood on the doorstep to the little house. Most of the blinds in windows were drawn, save for one which was right near the door. The fading light tinted the pale blue house a lavender color. Rei bit her lip as she rung the doorbell, suddenly nervous. What could she possibly say to this man? Kunzite was laughing as opened the door. He grinned as he greeted her. "Hey Rei, here to collect your man?" He laughed again, as Jadeite threw a pillow at the back of his head. Rei's heart sank as she shook her head. She didn't want anyone but Kunzite, herself and possibly Artemis around for this talk.
"No," she said weakly. "May I come in?" Kunzite's grin faded as he looked into Rei's eyes. There was something very, very wrong. He nodded and stepped aside to let her in. The entryway lead straight into the living room. She met Jadeite's eyes for only a brief moment, and turned away almost as quickly. She didn't want to ask him to leave, but she knew she must. Instantly, he grew worried.
"Rei, what's wrong?" the tone in his voice was alarmed. The air in the room chilled with the feeling of dread. She didn't respond soon enough for him, and he pressed her further. "Rei?"
"Can...can I meet you at home later?" she asked. Kunzite sunk into a chair, looking deeply disturbed.
"Where is Minako?" he asked.
"Rei what's going on?" Jadeite had gotten up off the couch and had crossed the room too quickly. He touched Rei's arm, but she wouldn't look at him.
"Please, Jadeite."
"Where is Minako?" Kunzite asked a little louder.
There was silence for a few moments. Rei said nothing, but turned to Jadeite and implored him with her eyes.
"Okay," he said finally, though it was quite obvious that he didn't want to leave. He crossed to the door and slipped out silently. Rei watched him go, her heart pounding as she turned back to Kunzite. The door clicked closed behind her. She really would have to do this alone now.
"What happened?" Kunzite asked. Rei sat down on the couch across from Kunzite and willed her body to stop shaking. She had never felt such a strange mix of emotions. She felt guilty, and a sickening sense of dread and anger were welling up in her. Kunzite's eyes were haunting; she didn't want to look him in the eye. He looked worried, but not positive that he knew what she was going to say.
"She's—" At first she couldn't force herself to speak the words. Kunzite leaned forward, penetrating Rei with his gaze. There was only one possible reason for Rei to be this emotionally off balanced, but he needed to hear her say the words. He'd never seen her look such a mess before. There had to be more than just something was wrong with Minako. He held his breath, without realizing it, and waited for Rei as she cast around for the right words. "—Gone." She barely spoke the word. Rei instantly dropped Kunzite's gaze as she said it. What a coward she was! She couldn't even tell this man the whole truth because she was too weak to deal with her own emotions. The first sob broke from her throat, suddenly. She covered her face with her hands, both grieving and embarrassed for herself.
"Gone? As in..." He trailed off.
"We couldn't save her!" Rei cried, yelling for the first time. "We couldn't do anything." Rei's sobbing broke through her cracking voice again.
Even though he'd been expecting the worst, Kunzite felt numb when the words fell over him. He hadn't been there. He could have protected her. Instead, he and Jadeite had been watching the World Cup and drinking beer! He didn't even know there had been a battle! He sunk back in the chair, stunned for words. Rei had curled up on the couch and had started outright sobbing, as if her soul had cracked in two. Kunzite couldn't console her. He couldn't even force himself to move, let alone try to help heal someone else's wounds. Rei...Rei wasn't his responsibility. How was he supposed to console her right now? How selfish could she possibly be? His Mia was gone. Gone like the sun slipping behind a storm cloud on an otherwise perfect day. And he'd missed seeing her there. He should have been there. He could have fought for her. The moments stretched on. Neither said anything nor moved an inch.
We'd fought. Earlier that day we'd fought. I was jealous that Minako had chosen to go to movies instead of going shopping with me. I said horrible things to her that I didn't mean. The hurt in her eyes was so strong. I could tell she couldn't even look at me the same way anymore. Her look was so cold. I knew right then that I'd just destroyed our relationship. She left me without saying anything. I was too stubborn to apologize.
The sun had sunk into the breaking point of the horizon. The light that shone in through the one window bathed the whole room in a color so deep that it felt surreal. The room was tinted a bizarre gold, deep orange. Kunzite felt he had been thrown into his worst nightmare, and it looked like a silent movie. Silence had settled between the two, even though he had several questions. Rei's sobbing had broken into numbness, again, and her tears streaked her face now. Kunzite couldn't quite believe it. This was a huge joke, and Minako was going to walk through the front door, she'd smile, and say "gotcha" and that'd be it. She'd got him good this time. But then he looked at Rei's face again. And his heart shattered as the reality of it started to sink in. Rei had never been an actress. Minako was not going to walk through that door ever again.
Rei couldn't look at Kunzite. His suffering was too much of a reminder of what she and Minako had never truly had. Minako had really loved that man with everything she could have possibly given him. And she trusted him with her love completely. Rei had never had that. Minako had never been hers. "I should go," Rei said, and stood up.
"Wait!" Kunzite leaned forward and grabbed Rei's wrist. "How did it happen?" Rei set her jaw and looked away. She didn't pull her arm away. She just stood there, motionless, mentally taking herself somewhere else. "Please, Rei." Slowly, Rei turned around. When she looked at Kunzite, she looked straight through him, as if neither of them was there in the room.
"I killed her." Even though he didn't believe it, Kunzite dropped Rei's wrist as if it was a handful of pure acid. Rei's voice didn't waver. "It's my fault. I killed her."
"I don't believe you."
But when that moment came, she protected me with her life. Even when the deepest, darkest hour was upon us, she was there for me. I never realized just how much I'd miss her when she was gone. She sacrificed herself to save me. It's all wrong. This darkness, this absence of her light isn't worth living for. I'd been so jealous of the way that she looked at you. Warm, loving, special. I wanted her to look at me that way. I wanted her to love me. I wish I'd realized that she did.
Rei sank down on to the couch again and threaded her hands through her hair near her temples. The room around them was now completely dark. Kunzite could only see a few ghostly slivers of Rei's pale skin through the veil of her hair. The image chilled him. "She jumped in front of me. There wasn't any time. I couldn't get us out of the way. The force of the attack was so strong. When we landed, I knew she was gone. She died trying to protect me! I didn't deserve it! It should have been me!" Rei crumpled to the floor, sobbing. "I wish it had..."
Minako!! Can you ever forgive me? I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.
"Rei..." Kunzite got off the chair and pulled Rei against him. They sat in on the floor, as Rei didn't seem to have the strength to move. "Don't say that..." he attempted. He gripped her around the shoulders, perhaps a little too tightly. He had never been good with consoling people. That had been Minako's talent. He could never hope to even come close to filling her shoes. Words failed him, and he merely sat in silence and let Rei sob against him. He wasn't angry. He wasn't even surprised. The sisterly bond that Rei and Minako had shared was something very alien to him. He couldn't blame Minako for her choice. He gripped Rei's shoulder again as his breath caught in his throat and the tears started to come. Tonight would be the first night since he and Minako had officially gotten together that he'd be sleeping alone. His tears fell on to the top of Rei's head. She slid an arm across his chest and they both cried together.
The night hours lengthened, as they sat leaning against one another in the darkness. There was no need to speak. The tears had long since stopped, but they still held on to one another out of a need for comfort. The clock in the kitchen ticked slowly, as if time was slowing down in its own grief. Rei felt hollow. She didn't want to have to go home tonight. She didn't want to be anywhere. Kunzite was starting to drift in and out of consciousness. His means of escape was sleep. He never wanted to wake up again. He still had his arm around her shoulders, and Rei was still nestled into his shoulder. This night was the longest night of her life.
Close to dawn there was a knock at the door. Kunzite woke up, suddenly. Rei's slight frame still draped over his torso. He looked around, very confused. Why was she there? Why had he been asleep with Rei in his arms? The knocking started up again. His neck and shoulders hurt, he'd been sleeping sitting against the couch. He picked Rei up as gently as he could and moved her to the couch then went to the door.
Jadeite stood in the cold, gray, predawn morning light, looking haggard. Kunzite stepped outside and closed the door behind him. Neither man said anything for a few minutes. "I heard," Jadeite said finally.
"Mmm." Last night's memories started to slowly creep back into Kunzite's consciousness.
"Are you okay?" Jadeite couldn't guess how Kunzite would react this time.
"No," Kunzite admitted. Jadeite nodded. He hadn't exactly expected him to be.
"And...how is she?"
"She's sleeping." Kunzite ran a hand through his hair. "She was a wreck last night. She's been blaming herself." Jadeite looked away from his friend and out over the city in front of them. He couldn't imagine what he'd be doing right now if Rei had actually died.
"Usagi told me she might." Dawn broke on the horizon. The colors seared into the sky. "Listen, I'll take her home. I'm worried—"
"Don't. I'll bring her around when she wakes up. I'm sure she had a hard enough time falling asleep last night. Better let her. Besides, we'll have to go see her."
"Maybe you should go together."
"Yeah."
"There's lots of candles. She would have liked it."
"Yeah..."
Minako-chan, if you can hear me, I miss you. I'll be okay though. We all will. And we'll meet again. I can feel it.