Title: Kenna & The King Prioritize The Pagan Problem, or, Passion & Petulance

Author: C. Rosevere (chrisrose)

Written: Nov. 22, 2013

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Reign episodes 1x01-1x06, set soon after 1x06 "Chosen", also references my first Kenna & The King fic.

Author's Note: This is a standalone-y sequel to: "Kenna & The King: Practically A Love Story, or, Larceny & Lechery". There's some continuity/recurring jokes/references to the first fic, but I guess it works on it's own too? This one incorporates canon from 1x06 "Chosen". How could I not mock King Henry's preoccupation with "romance" and redecorating, while everyone else in the episode deals with violent pagans infiltrating the palace? ;)

KENNA & THE KING PRIORITIZE THE PAGAN PROBLEM, or, PASSION & PETULANCE

by: chrisrose

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With a satisfied smirk and a swagger, King Henry exited the bedchamber of his favorite mistress. Diane de Poitiers was back from her shopping spree in Paris, and he had graciously forgiven her extravagance. Henry had to admit, Diane had excellent taste in palace furnishings - her new living quarters were elegant, yet comfortable. She'd accepted the news of her displacement from the King's own quarters, with equanimity. Henry knew she would. She always did.

Just then the King was distracted by distant shouts. Further down the hall, a man - presumably a servant - was running, with a group of palace guards in close pursuit. Hmm. No doubt they had the problem - whatever it was - under control.

Ahh, Diane. Now there was a woman who knew how to please an important man such as himself. No nagging or whining or demanding his undivided attention. Grateful - as she should be - that the King of France honoured her with his presence. Whenever he darn well felt like it.

King Henry winked at a passing Lady, committing her to memory. He had another appointment waiting in his quarters. Almost there now...

So many years together! It was quite an achievement, keeping, well, sharing his interest this long. But a king needs variety. Diane knew her place, Henry thought fondly as he entered his bedchamber. She wasn't a jealous sort with silly ideas about love and monogamy among monarchs and mistresses. She didn't expect Henry to make grand romantic gestures, like...

"Kenna!"

The King stared in shock, trying to process his surroundings.

"Henry!"

She leaped on him with no warning, making him stagger backwards. He set her down again, none too gently. Damn it, was that a twinge in his back? Henry scowled. Where did the girl get all that energy? What was she, fifteen or thereabouts? Ought to be more mature by now - more refined. Henry rubbed at his back and scowled some more.

"Kenna, what the devil have you done to this place? Everything...is...PINK!"

Kenna beamed and twirled around in delight.

"Isn't it cute? Don't you just love it? You said I could redecorate our rooms!"

Kenna skipped around him in dizzying circles, until Henry felt slightly nauseous. Or maybe something else was making him sick. Pink was assaulting him on all fronts. Every piece of fabric covering every piece of furniture. The rugs. The wall hangings. The bedsheets. The pillows. Dear God, not the pillows! Henry had loved his old pillows with an intense passion. And he thought Kenna had too. He would not tolerate such treachery in his home!

"Our rooms? These are my rooms! The King's quarters! I'm the King! You're the new mistress! And this colour is most undignified!"

Kenna stopped skipping. She pouted. Her eyes welled up with tears.

"How...how can you say that Henwy? You said you wubbed me... and it wasn't easy bringing in new furniture. The halls were so crowded. Your mean old guards were chasing people and waving their swords around! One of my favorite pillows got stabbed! Besides, there's gold trim too. See?" She held up a sofa cushion and pointed. "It's kingly and cute. Pink and gold!"

Henry softened a bit. She did care about pillows, after all. The poor child just needed his guidance.

"Red would be more regal. Say, why don't you let Diane give you some tips?" Henry winced as Kenna threw the cushion at his head.

"No! Gold and PINK represents you and ME, and our epic love! DON'T YOU GET IT?!" She started to hyperventilate.

"Are you testing me, Kenna? Want me to prove my devotion to you again? Is that it?" Henry rubbed his forehead.

Kenna flung herself face down on the bed, sobbing, "He doesn't love me...didn't even notice the gold trim!"

Henry began to back out of the room, slowly.

Kenna's voice was muffled by a monstrous pink pillow, but he thought he could make out the words, "...friends are coming over...wanna meet my boyfriend..."

King Henry ran, in a dignified and regal way, down the hall.

What was she thinking? What was he thinking, getting involved with someone so...childish? But he did so enjoy seducing pretty young things. Surely it wasn't his fault if Kenna did not quite understand the nature of their relationship.

Henry shook his head sorrowfully. Oh, it was hard being a King, and such a virile one at that. How could he deny anyone the benefit of his years of experience? All those lovely ladies-in-waiting... waiting for him. But he was only one man! So many people sought his wise council. So many people's very lives depended on his decisions. Few had the fortitude to handle such pressure, Henry mused.

He rounded the corridor and nearly collided with two guards dragging along a servant, who was kicking up quite a fuss.

"I ain't one of them pagans! I swear I never hurt no one!" The prisoner suddenly noticed who was passing by. "Your Majesty! Please don't let 'em burn me alive! I'm innocent!"

"Silence, heretic!" One of the guards cuffed him on the head.

Henry sped up and soon left the distasteful scene behind. The poor wretch - if he were in his right mind - wouldn't really want his King, of all people, to see him in such a state.

Wonder what that was about, Henry thought idly. Come to think of it there had been similar incidents around the palace lately...guards rounding up servants. And a quite unpleasant odor of burning flesh occasionally wafted in on the wind. Maybe he should question someone. Catherine was probably handling the situation. He'd ask his wife about it later. Right now, there were more pressing matters to attend to.

What a relief to reach his desired destination at last! He entered with a flourish, grinning widely at the heavenly sight before him. A room with no pink in it.

"Back so soon?" Diane asked, and for a split second Henry imagined she looked less than thrilled to see him. Preposterous. It must be those infernal pink spots still clouding his vision. Henry blinked.

Yes, there was the alluring, adoring Diane he knew so well - ready to comfort him, as always. Acutely aware of the privilege of being a king's confidante - of gaining precious insight into the complex mind of a great ruler.

Lying down on the sofa with a weary sigh, King Henry gazed up at her, and began to unburden his soul.

"My other mistress just doesn't understand me."

THE END