"Spock, do you have any idea what it did to him when you left?" McCoy growled at him as he pushed the Vulcan against the wall in Sickbay.
Spock could have easily broken the hold of the enraged doctor but he didn't want to.
"I fail to comprehend the implications of your statement doctor I am aware that I caused him some pain when I left."
"You hurt him really, really bad Spock." McCoy reiterated in a calmer tone.
"I don't understand why you think that I am unaware of that doctor. I just told you that I was."
"Because the stubborn brat won't show you. He goes around like everything is right as rain," McCoy rolled his eyes when he saw the look that Spock gave him for that expression, "But I was there for the fallout so I know what he is hiding away."
Spock decided to press the doctor for more information. He was right in saying that he didn't understand the full extent. Of course he had known that he had hurt Jim when he left for Gol but at the time he had saw no other way. He had been so utterly foolish and had sought the easiest escape from emotions. But McCoy was so passionate and Spock had the feeling that he had hurt Jim so much deeper than he could imagined. A sudden flash of pain ran through him as he thought about just how much he had hurt the man that he was still selfish enough to even call a friend.
Spock to a breath to relax himself and approached the doctor. "Tell me?"
McCoy thought for a second and then said, "Speaking the words wouldn't do it justice and you know how much I hate that Vulcan mind scramble activity so I'll just show you something."
Ten minutes later, the Vulcan and the human sat at the computer terminal in McCoy's quarters on the Enterprise-A. "So you know that he gave up the Enterprise when you left," He said as he searched for a file. Shortly afterward he secluded himself and it was almost impossible for us to get him out but this file is one of the times we did. We took him to a karaoke place got a little tipsy and then started singing. I recorded it as blackmail to send to you actually."
The file started. It was a stage with a holoscreen projector behind it projecting lyrics and two long L-shaped maroon couches. McCoy and a depressed looking Jim sat on one and Scotty and Uhura sat on the other. Sulu and Chekov were up on stage singing "I'm bringing sexy back" by an obscure artist that was in the 21st century named Justin Timberlake.
"When did sexy leave the first time?" Spock asked not realizing he spoke aloud until McCoy chuckled.
Uhura went up a did It's raining men. Her choice was most likely inspired by the pure fact that other than herself everyone present was a male.
Everyone laughed as she sang the song, Sulu and Chekov got up and danced behind her while she sang, Scotty proceeded to laugh so hard that he fell off the couch and even Jim managed a smile. It broke Spock's heart though because it was a poor imitation of Jim's true smile.
After she finished up they coaxed Jim into giving it a go. He looked through some of the songs listed on the pad and then chose a song.
"I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house that don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most was being so close and having so much and watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go but I'm doing it
It hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder getting up getting dressed living with this regret but I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart that I'd left unspoken
What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away
And never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do"
Jim stepped off the stage and sat back down. Uhura came over and said that he had a wonderful voice and accused him on holding out during the five year mission. Then the vid clicked off.
Spock thought about the lyrics in the song. It was pretty obvious why he had chosen that song. He turned to address McCoy but saw that he was loading up another vid.
"For some reason he liked singing out his troubles and I thought it was good therapy for him so it turned into a bi-weekly activity."
The vid started up. Sulu, Chekov, and Uhura had gotten on stage and started singing Last Friday night though they were laughing at times so the lyrics became inaudible. After them Jim got up and started the song that he must have had preselected.
"How will I start tomorrow without you here
Whose heart will guide me when all the answers disappear
Is it too late
Are you too far gone to stay best friends forever
Should never have to go away what will I do
You know I'm only half without you
How will I make it through
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do what I would give if you returned to me some day somehow someway
If only tears could bring you back to me
I'd cry you an ocean if you'd sail on home again
Waves of emotion will carry you I know they can
Just let flow guide you
And you heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting into the arms of your true north
Look in my eyes you'll see a million tears have gone by and still their not dry
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do what I would give if you returned to me some day somehow someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
I'd hold you close and shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance
For one last dance
The side of me that I would not ignore
If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do what I would give if you returned to me some day somehow someway
If my tears could bring you back to me"
McCoy turned from the screen now to see if Spock saw what he had meant for him to see. If he hadn't he would be forced to share his mind with him. He shivered at the mere thought but if it was for Jim then he would have to.
McCoy had a long list of things that he was sure would never happen and near the top equal him liking the transporter was Spock crying without alien influence. But perhaps there was hope for him liking the transporter yet because Spock was actually crying with real tears that were compliments of his human heritage.
"Spock," McCoy said softly. Spock didn't respond and for a brief second he was worried that he had pushed him to hard. Could Vulcans become suicidal?
Had it been any other person besides the Doctor or Jim, the latter who was frequently privy to his thoughts anyway, Spock would have been ashamed of himself for showing such weakness. But since it was the McCoy he was free to fight the battle within.
Why hadn't Jim told him? Why was he pretending that everything was fine? Would Jim forgive him for being so incredibly stupid? Jim had loved him loved him and he had been so cruel. To say that he hadn't realized that the depth of Jim's affection had matched the depth his own, which was a big part of why he went to Gol, would be the truth but it didn't justify anything. Spock was so angry with himself.
"Stop!" McCoy shouted at him and he realized that he had dug his nails into his palm with so much force that he had marred the palms of his hand with four nail-shaped cuts each. How could he not have noticed that especially with how sensitive the hand of a Vulcan was? Even now that he was aware of the injury he just felt numb.
Somewhere in his head he was aware that McCoy had cleaned his wounds but he wasn't paying attention to that. "Can he still love me?" Spock whispered.
Suddenly the doctor put his hand in contact with Spock's and Spock felt a surge of frustration. He looked up at him.
"Spock you are the dumbest genius that I have ever meant. The man is head over heels for you and he has already forgiven your screw-up. If you ever quote what I say next I will deny having said it because I have my image to maintain after all. You two are good together and one day I hope to find someone who can complete me the way that you two complete one another."
Spock was speechless.
"Now that you know, leave cause I got real work to do" McCoy grumbled.
Spock almost smiled and left the doctor's quarters and ran smack into Jim.
"Spock," Kirk said at the same time that Spock had said "Jim."
Jim pulled out a million watt smile from nowhere a nonchalantly asked "What were you doing in McCoy room? Nobody had announced a truce between you two."
"When we do have a truce it is announced?"
"Of course it's in the Federation Times as the headline."
Spock almost cracked a grin and replied, "The time away helped me forget how irritating he is but soon I will be avoiding him as it is the most logical course of action."
Kirk rolled his eyes it was obvious that the two were friends why were they so stubborn about it. Then Jim looked up at Spock. "Of cour… Spock? Have you been crying? Your eyes are tinted green."
Spock felt a slight blush rise on his cheeks.
Then Jim looked down and saw the bandages on the palms of his hands and he look at him shocked.
"Jim. Can we go somewhere and talk?" Spock said before he could be questioned anymore.
Five minutes later the two were in Jim's quarters, Spock launched right into the matter knowing that it was illogical to wait and let the issue fester. As he finished with how McCoy had shown the vids and how he had realized the magnitude of his stupidity he was startled to hear Jim laugh.
"May I inquire as to what part of my confession was amusing?"
"Nothing was amusing as far as your confession is concerned. I just thought that it was highly incredible that all of the crap we went through- and don't tell me you enjoyed your time at Gol because the purpose is to seal away emotion therefore you can't have a emotion associated with it- was caused because of a lack of communication."
"Not to mention your frequent conquests."
Jim blushed and ran his hand through his hair. "Well the rumors are worse than the truth but I guess the conquests will have to be stopped." When he looked at Spock and noticed that he was surprised he added "If that is what you want that is."
"You would still have me?" he whispered in disbelief.
"The two songs that you heard had a common theme. They both showed the want of a second chance and I would be a fool not to take a second chance. It may cause problems for us down the road but right now I am just so glad that you are here. I missed you so much."
Suddenly Jim was hugging him squeezing so tightly that he was happy to have Vulcan strength otherwise he may have been crushed. Loosening up the hold that Jim had on him he was able to look at his face. Suddenly he felt his lips coming into contact with another pair.
"Thank you," he said after a breathless bout of kissing.
"No problem," Jim said kissing him once more.
Spock had a feeling that he wouldn't be getting away tonight.
The next day when McCoy arrived in Sickbay he found that several of the lengthy reports he had to do had been completed and sat waiting for review. Also upon starting his shift he found that the bugs in Sickbay's systems had miraculously disappeared and at noon Jim came for his treatment in sickbay without any prodding whatsoever.
A/N okay I used "what hurts the most" in this fic. i didn't specify the artist because i imagine that Jim would sing it faster than Rascal Flatts and slower than Cascada although I did use Cascada's lyrics. I don't know if they differ any the other song is "if only tears could bring you back" by the midnight sons. I love these songs and I think they really fit. ^_^