I Should Have Told Him
Author: Mary (craZchica@simple-dreams.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, but Joss has given us fanfic writers permission to use them as we wish. I'm only following orders.

This is a comanion fic to She Should Have Told Me, and its written from Buffy's POV. Read the other fic first. And as always, reviews are always welcome!

For info on Message In A Bottle, read the note at the end of the fic.

A/N - italics indicate a flashback. Also, this fic directly refers to the season 5 episodes Fool For Love and The Gift. Go to buffyworld.com to read a transcript of the episodes if you haven't seen them.

*****

December 2001.

I'm dying.

It's movie night at the Summers house. The comedy plays out on screen, but I can't help but be wrapped up in sorrow. Even though all my friends are here, and Dawn is curled up next to me, I can feel a tear fill my eye.

Chances are I know more about death than anyone else on the planet. More than anyone before me, and anyone after me.

As Spike once put it, death is my art. I make it with my hands every single day. I've watched demons die. I've been there when the strangers I try to help die. I've seen family die.

And I've died twice.

Okay, so the first time, I was only gone for a moment. But the second time... Spike was right. When I was on that tower, I wanted it. I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted the peace.

I was tired. I didn't want to live to fight anymore. I can pretend it was a completely selfless act and that I did it to save my sister, my friends, and the world, but that would be a lie. And now I'm tired of lying.

I never gave a second thought to jumping. In my mind, the reasons for giving up were more overwhelming than the reasons to stay. To live would have meant spending my nights throwing punches instead of parties. Dealing with the pain of losing my mother and my sister. Still trying to get over the hurt Riley left behind. Trying to pay bills on a house filled with too many painful memories.

I wasn't scared then.

But I am now.

Even with everything that had happened to me in my short life, I never thought anything would compare to the hurt and fear of being ripped out of Heaven.

I was wrong.

I'm scared because of him.

****



Buffy's voice was laced with pain as she called out to the older man. He came rushing into the room, wild eyed and wielding a short sword.

What he saw was his Slayer holding a minor cut on her arm.

the Watcher said. What happend?

She grunted. I don't know... It's not a bad cut. And it's not really bleeding. But it feels like its on fire.

At once the Watcher's face turned grim. Poison, most likely. Stay here.

After the wound had been washed and bandaged, the pair began searching for the demon Buffy had fought off.

With a small wince, the blonde put a book in front of Giles' nose. That's him.

He stilled when he read the description.

****

The only cure for this poison is to kill the one I love. Not too long ago, this wouldn't have been a problem. I wanted to die. To go back to the peace I'd been taken from.

But then came Spike.

He listened. He became more than a friend, or a confidant. He became my lover.

Yes, at first I used him to try to feel something, anything but the numb emptiness I'd felt since I had woken up in my coffin.

I never wanted to admit to him that he made me soar, that he made me feel alive in ways I hadn't felt since before Angel became Angelus.

But then Giles told me I was dying, and I became terrified.

I was in love with Spike.

I hadn't realized it until Giles told me the cure. My first thought had been, *I can't kill Spike. I won't do it.* Not Angel, not Riley. Spike.

I think I'd been falling for him a long time. The night he sat on my porch and comforted me I saw something in him. Something I had missed before. Or maybe I hadn't wanted to see. He would do anything for me. Which is why I couldn't tell him about the cure. He would have sacrificed himself to save me.

But I had to tell him I was in love with him.

I had finally found something to make life worth living again, and I wanted to enjoy every second of it before it was taken from me.

I told him the night after I found out I was dying. The joy in his eyes meant more to me than he'll ever know.

I wonder what would have happened had I given him more thought a long time ago. Maybe if he had been in my life, and my heart, sooner, things would have turned out different.

Maybe if he had been around more, he would have noticed that something was wrong with mom and her blood. Or maybe the entire Glory situation would have turned out different. Maybe I wouldn't have wanted to die.

They're all farfetched possibilities, but they're still things I can't help wondering about.

I should have told him how I felt sooner. I would have had more time with this man who makes me want to fight, and feel, and love.

It's too late, I guess. The story of my life. Always one step behind. Doesn't matter if it's a demon or my emotions. I'm always a little too late in figuring them out.

And now I'm out of time. I'm going to meet death again soon. I can feel it. I glance around the living room at the smiling faces, and carefully study them. But the one person I want to be here isn't. I wish he hadn't gone on patrol for me. I want him here. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I want to tell him I've been in love with him for a long time.

But now it's too late.

I should have told him.

*****

A/N - About my fic Message In A Bottle - Yes, I plan on finishing it. I just don't know when. Like my buffy website, it's taken a backseat to other things and intrests (i just started school again for the first time in a year, and have put some time into learning html better to build better websites). Plus my laptop died a while back, and I wont get it back until this week. The computer im on now is really really slow. But I WILL finish the story. Now go check out my new series The Never Figured Series.

About.com: What should fans do now that they have an extra free hour on tuesday nights?
Joss Whedon: What should they do? Write fanfiction.

Check out my profile for links to my home site, my btvs and ats site, and my new clay aiken fanlisting. lol.