Disclaimer: *Looks around messy and unorganized room* God, where do I even start? *Finally throws hands up in the air in defeat after searching through piles of ownership papers* Okay, nope. I'm just gonna go with 'I don't own them'.
Okay, so, yes. Another story added to my list of uncompleted and needing updated stories! So here we go, enjoy! =D
Dear Diary,
It's amusing how a single smile can hide a tortured and lost spirit, isn't it? They don't even have a clue to what's going on in my head. I guess they don't see or understand the hints I'm trying to send them. I'm broken like this, I just to escape, anyway I need, even if that means suicide. You know what the worst thing about that is? It's the shame, knowing there is no one but myself to blame for feeling this way. Sure, I'm getting the help and I have the support, but it still feels like everything is falling apart, falling short. I've already lost myself. I don't even recognize this girl anymore. I'm just a phantom of the young woman I once was. That girl has been gone for about three years now. I guess Grandma's death was the breaking point, huh? Broken, condemned and spent at fourteen. What a tragedy.
I look at the entree and reread what I wrote, before sighing and shutting the personal diary. Looking straight forward, my dull eyes monotonously gaze at the white cream colored wall of the living room and I rap my long nails on the marble desk to the right of me as I start staring off into space, thinking. It was true. All those words, they don't have a single fraction of untruth in them. I want to die. It's as simple as that. I used to be unsure, willing for the help and support, hoping that it could help me get through these tough times, but now, now it's different. So much different. I don't smile anymore and on the rare, rare occasions I do, it's forced. Completely fake. Though Mom and my brother both are convinced that I'm getting better. Bullshit. They just think that. And if they are, then I know I'm doing the task right. They don't need the extra stress and pain that I knew I was causing them when they knew.
It's true, they know I'm depressed, oh well, used to be in their minds. I laugh bitterly and I can just tell my small family of two is giving me strange looks.
"Is something wrong, Jenasis?" Mom asks wearily. I look at her and shake my head. Just another day, just another lie.
"Yeah, everything is just fine," If you had squinted, you could have detected the virulent lie in that sentence. But they pay no mind and went back to what they were previously doing. I sigh and look down at the journal in my hands, before raising myself out of one of the twin blue chairs. Mom and Jace both look up at me in surprise.
"Where you going, Jenny?" Jace probes as he watches me walk towards the kitchen.
"My room," I reply before shutting said room's door, locking myself away from the world. I look up at my ceiling fan and just stand there for a second, leaning against the wall. Oh, how I would love to tie a rope up there and let myself go. My eyes loss their light further, becoming dull, hazel depths as I look to the carpet. But I can't. I don't really know what's stopping me, I just can't kill myself. I don't think I'd have enough courage to go through with that. Plus, I'm not cruel enough to let my little brother or my mother come walking in here just to be met with that sight. Plus, I made a promise to a friend. I could never do something like that to them.
I really wish people could be put down like can animals be. But that's illegal, though I have no idea why. I mean, I'm in pain. It may not be physical, but God, am I psychologically and spiritually. I feel like I'm already dead inside. There is nothing left. I just want to be free. From this hellish life, this hellish world. It's not like you may think. I'm not getting bullied. No, we don't really know what triggered the depression. All I know is that at the beginning of this year, I couldn't get myself out of bed and into my high school building. They said it was SAD, or Standardized Anxiety Disorder. A bit of everything triggered my anxiety, not just one thing. So my mother took me out of public school and instead, placed me in online school, one called Connections Academy. At first it was awesome, I really liked it. It was great. My anxiety levels went down and weren't skyrocketing every time I stepped foot out the house.
But then the depression hit. It was like all that progress was just flushed down the drain in one, single day. I can't get online to do my work, the only thing I can do is lay in bed now and sometimes feel motivated enough to get off my butt and get some writing done on my laptop or on very, very good days, maybe a few school lessons if I'm lucky. I'm a broken mess, shattered shards of who I once was. I shook my head to dislodge those disheartening thoughts, they'll do nothing for me, only make the pain even more agonizing. Walking the rest of the distance to my bed, I collapsed on top of it, pulled the covers to my chin and proceeded to roll onto my back. Staring up at the ceiling, I just laid there for a minute, not doing anything. This is all I do now. I spend my days in my bed, surfing the web or reading books online. I find no motivation to do anything anymore, even getting out of bed to fix myself something to eat on the stovetop seems too much. My family calls me lazy. Sometimes my mother and brother get fed up with the way I act and they get verbal about, which doesn't help, not at all. Just makes the thought of killing myself seem like a paradise.
I know that if I was gone I'd be missed, I know that. That's why I said I don't understand this. I'm not being abused, I have a kind, loving family that loves me and is willing to help. I have a friend that means the world to me, the sister I never had that I love and adore. I used to be an A and B honor student every year, but then…something happened. I have no idea what. Now school isn't important, hell, getting the mail is more important to me. I can't bring myself to care. Mom's only worried about ending up in court, which I mean, is possible and something to be concerned about of course, but it seems like that's all she cares about anymore. She almost never asks how my depression is or how I'm holding up anymore, it's all 'Have you done any work?' or 'Jenasis, you know that you have to do school, or we're gonna end up testifying in court!' or 'Jenasis, do you want me to end up in jail?!' and that's all it seems like. Nothing about me. How I'm feeling anymore.
I roll over on my right side, looking out the window to the streets below. New York City, it really is a great, appealing place most the time. Aside from all the robberies, muggings and stuff, but lately even those have been getting less and less frequent. It really is like we have some sort of protector looking out for the innocents these days, aside from the cops. The Nightwatcher is a good example. He saves loads and loads of people these days, has been for about, say, five years or so now? My eye brows knit together as I continue staring out the window, down to the dark sidewalk right outside my front door. It really is a pity. He really should get more praise and thanks than he does. He goes out and risks his own life to help others keep or continue theirs and all he gets is criticism from the cops and most citizens about how he should let the police do their work. I scoff lightly. If only they did their jobs right most the times. I looked to the clock on the far side of the room and noticed it was coming to almost 10:00 already. I rolled onto my stomach and let my cheek rest against the two pillows and let myself drift off to a better place. It really is true, for me at least. Sleep is the most welcomed and loved part of the day, because nothing can hurt me while I'm asleep.
Okay, so the Nightwatcher reverence, this isn't in the 2007 movie verse. I picture it more as the 2003 series, but with elements from all the different verses combined into it. So, yeah. Just wanted to clear that up. If you have any other questions, just ask! Have a great day! And thanks for reading!
Also, this is just like an introduction, not really a real chapter, though it is, technically, Chapter 1.