The Awkward Moment When…
Disclaimer: I do not own Galactik Football and I make no money from this fanfiction.
Set sometime during Season 1. Also, it's a humour fic and so the characters may be slightly ooc.
"Come on in everybody," Aarch said, gesturing the confused males of the Snow Kids into the room- just half an hour they had been mysteriously summoned with no explanation or apparent reason.
"What's he doing here?" D'jok exclaimed, pointing at Sinedd, who was already slumped in a chair, looking like he'd rather be anywhere but here. "Don't tell me we're letting him back on the Team?"
"Relax, D'jok, I wouldn't rejoin your team of losers even if you begged me," Sinedd retorted, sneering.
"Settle down," Aarch said.
"And Artegor's here too! What is the world coming to?" Micro-ice asked.
Artegor glared, more in Aarch's direction that Micro-ice's, although it was difficult to tell with the sunglasses on.
"Everyone just sit down, I'll explain everything then," Aarch said, trying not to get exasperated this early on in the talk.
Everyone did as they were told, the Snow Kids choosing to sit as far away from Sinedd as possible, as if he had some sort of contagious disease.
"Sir!" Micro-ice said, suddenly. "Where's Mei?"
"And where's Tia?" Rocket wondered out loud.
"They are having this talk with Dame Simbai."
"And what talk would that be?" Thran piped up, hoping that it might be something scientific- although there was no reason for the girls to be separated for that.
Aarch looked at Artegor, who still hadn't stopped glaring. It was clear that he wasn't going to get much help from Artegor on this, so he took a breath and spoke.
"We're going to talk to you about sex and relationships."
"But we know all about that, sir!" Micro-ice groaned, he couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing.
Sinedd snickered. "Yeah right, Micro-ice, I bet you're still following Mei around like a hopeless little puppy dog."
"Given that you are teenagers and you are no longer in education, the League has decided that you must be given this mandatory talk," Aarch said, sighing. He swore that Adium had just come up with this to torture him a little- it would have been okay just talking to the Snow Kids, but given that Sinedd was human too (Shadow's relationships were 'interesting' to say the least, not to mention the factor of having completely different biology to humans), she'd decided that not only did he have to sit in, but also that he had to give the talk with Artegor- the man who had harboured a grudge against him for the past 15 years.
"Now, we're going to start with the basic biology," Aarch said, hoping, in vain, that Artegor might chime in at any time. He remained silent, so Aarch started to read out from the booklet that they had been provided with- he assumed that the information was hardly new to most of them, although he was worried what his repressed little brother might have told Rocket; he could just picture it now, Rocket would ask where babies came from, and Norata would tell him that "babies grow like flowers" or something equally ridiculous.
The biology and safety precautions were fairly simple matters- it was when it came to the relationships section of the booklet that things started to get difficult.
"Do not leave your girlfriend/boyfriend without telling them, especially not to run off and play football, it is a totally selfish thing to do, especially when the planet is experiencing a natural disaster," Aarch read, squinting at the page, having a strange feeling that it was aimed at him.
"Also don't leave them for trampy Wambas chicks," Artegor added, speaking up for the first time since they had been there, his voice dripping with resentment and hostility.
"That's not in the guide and I already told you a million times, I had Smog poisoning."
They all stared at Aarch and Artegor for a moment, apart from Sinedd, he looked at his fingernails disinterestedly, he heard Artegor's rants about Aarch on almost a daily basis- he was used to this sort of thing.
Artegor snatched the guide out of Aarch's hand. "Never be too proud to beg to have someone back," he read out, pointedly.
"It's also a good idea not to hire thugs to try and beat up and/or kill your ex just because you're still sour 15 years on," Aarch muttered underneath his breath.
Micro-ice, Thran, Rocket and D'jok exchanged looks (Ahito was blissfully sleeping, unaware of the snark-fest going on around him), it was clear they were all wishing that they were in the talk with the girls- listening to medically trained, sensible, Dame Simbai was clearly a better option than having to hear these two lunatics snipe at each.
D'jok put his hand up, hoping to break up the petty squabble between supposed adults, but also because he genuinely had a question.
"What is it D'jok," Aarch asked, trying to regain some decorum.
"Is there anything in there about how to resist the advances of a femme-fatale?"
"I think Aarch could do with that advice too," Artegor seethed.
"What about some advice to get said femme-fatale to transfer her affections to the guys best friend?" Micro-ice added, sounding anxious.
"It's never going to happen," Sinedd remarked, spitefully.
"Does anyone have a sensible question, Rocket maybe?" Aarch pleaded, desperately trying to turn the session into something vaguely constructive.
Rocket looked as if he was about to say something but he stopped, blushed and hung his head.
"No, Uncle Aarch," he muttered, too shy to ask for advice with regards to Tia- who he had yet to have found the courage to ask out.
"Playing favourites are we? I would have thought you were far too noble for that," Artegor interjected, before Aarch could ask anyone else.
"You're just looking for any excuse to criticise me," Aarch said, hand on his head- he could feel a raging headache coming on.
"I don't need to look, Aarch, you think that playing the hero masks you're true nature? I can see through you," Artegor spat. "I'll beat you on the field and show the whole world what a fraud you are."
"The Snow Kids have real teamwork that will make short work of the Shadows," Aarch retorted.
"We'll see about that," Artegor responded. "Come on, Sinedd, we've spent enough time around this team of losers for tonight."
Sinedd sneered at D'jok and Micro-ice one last time, and exited the room with his Coach.
"Session is dismissed," Aarch said, wearily.
"Did I miss something?" Ahito remarked, waking up after almost an hour's unbroken sleep.
Thran gave him a look as if to say 'you probably don't want to know.'
As they trudged back to their room, they certainly felt a new sense of enlightenment- although probably not in the sense that Adium had intended- instead they now knew that Aarch and Artegor were probably the worst people to get relationship advice from given their history.
And that gave them a dim sense of hope, because as difficult as their relationships might currently be, they weren't any where near that level of dysfunction.
That was something at least.
That's it for this fic, it feels like I haven't written and GF fic for ages, but it was fun to write for again. Hopefully the fandom will get going again at some point? Sorry for uninspired title on this one, it was the only thing I could think of. Please review; reviews are awesome!