Absolutely Fabulous – Dead Man's Chest
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the fabulous characters in the following story; this copyright is held by Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders.
"Sweetie, sweetie, have you seen mummy's necklace? You know, that Christian LaCroix bling with the big pendant?"
Eddie was scurrying down the stairs and into the kitchen where Saffy sat, enjoying a healthy breakfast of porridge and orange juice. She gave her mother a resigned glance and took another spoonful of porridge.
"And good morning to you, too, mum."
Eddie started to pull out drawers and to lift the tops of pots and jars. Since all of those would have been very unlikely places to store a necklace, she didn't find it there. Instead, she unearthed a tube of astronaut's food, the heel of a shoe (without the shoe it had once belonged to), a great number of champagne corks and an old-fashioned bronze key graced by squiggly ornaments.
"Mum, why don't you keep your jewellery in your jewellery boxes?" Saffy complained. "You surely won't find that awful necklace of yours in the kitchen! Or maybe you will, maybe it decided to go to the bin of its own accord because that place would really fit it."
"Honey, why are you so angry this early in the day?" Edina stopped to look at her daughter, shaking her head in disbelief. "Darling, you need to relax. Maybe you should go to that spa Patsy and I use to go to. The 'Lotus Garden'. You know, to get yourself some nice treatments there, face peelings, massages…"
"Get some treatments from Pablo…" added Patsy, who just came balancing down the stairs on 5 inch heels, her knees bound together by a stylish black pencil skirt. The skirt was accompanied by a matching blazer with leopard rims and a leopard handbag. Her blonde beehive looked as perfect as always.
She and Eddie broke out in laughter, no doubt sharing some dirty memories here. Saffy didn't laugh but looked reproachfully at these childish women who were three or even four times her age (who knew).
Patsy's throaty laughter stopped when she paused to take another drag from her cigarette. Eddie was still giggling as she said: "Yeah, Pablo's quite a tasty little tapa."
Patsy muttered approvingly while Eddie went on, "And his Spanish accent – ooh, it's smashing, absolutely smashing. Darling, don't you speak Spanish? See, you could really hit it off with Pablo."
"French, Mum," Saffy said patiently. "I speak French."
"Oh, I'm sure, his French is good, too," Eddie said and Patsy almost choked on her cigarette as the two women roared with laughter again.
Saffy stood up, embarrassed, and took her bowl to the sink.
"You're behaving extremely immature today," she said.
"That's just our happy nature, sweetie," Eddie said. "Our minds are still as young as they were twenty years ago. And this is also what keeps us physically young. We're as fresh as ever."
"We're as fresh now as you've never been in all your life," Patsy added, giving Saffy a nasty look.
"Mum! Shut her up!"
"Oh, sweetie, don't be so touchy. And besides, she's got a point, you know. I always tell you to act your age. But you just don't. We could have so much fun together… The hip designer mother and daughter duo from Holland Park… We could finally make it to the magazines on a regular basis."
"Mum, that's never going to happen. You know I don't approve of your superficial lifestyle and your illustrious friends."
Eddie's face turned to something that you could call annoyed disappointment and she bellowed, "Yes, I know. So instead of hanging around with us up here, I suggest you better move to the cellar and sit next to the seasoned wine bottles. There you'll have company of your own sort."
Patsy chuckled in approval and uncorked the champagne she had just taken from the fridge. There was a small 'pop' when the cork came out and Patsy took a hearty swig right from the bottle.
"Aaah," she grunted. "There's nothing better than a savoury champagne breakfast. Really gets me going this early in the morning."
Saffy glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall which showed a quarter to eleven, but she said nothing because she knew that Patsy would only launch another attack on her. Patsy had kept her eye on Saffy all the while and when the girl didn't react, she paced over to the table where Eddie (who meanwhile was busy turning the sofa cushions over) had put the stuff she had found in the drawers earlier. Patsy picked up the bronze key and asked Saffy in a honeyed voice, "Hey, um, four-eyes, is this by any means the key to your chastity belt?"
And she and Eddie howled with laughter.
"No, it's the key to humour. And I think it's time you finally used it."
Patsy stopped laughing and made a sour face while Eddie was lying on the sofa, gasping for air. Dignified, Saffy turned around and left the kitchen saying, "Have a nice day, mum."
"Bye, sweetie. Bye. Have a nice day."
Eddie struggled to her feet and adjusted her track suit jacket. Its colours were violent and its form emphasized Eddie's not-quite flat stomach. She also wore Capri pants and sneakers in matching colours and heavy bracelets made of plastic. On her head she wore a sun visor with gold writing on it, matching her golden earrings.
"Patsy, dear, where could I have put my LaCroix necklace? Blimey, I've got the stitch in my side from laughing so hard!"
Patsy was still holding the key in her hand, turning it to and fro and looking at it thoughtfully.
"Eddie, you know I've no idea where you keep your stuff, except the good stuff, champagne and pot and all that."
Eddie gave an incomprehensible answer and helped herself to a cup of coffee from the high-quality Italian coffee machine (if Saffy hadn't made it, Eddie would have gone without coffee that morning). Patsy was still eyeing the bronze key and puffing smoke figures at the ceiling.
"This thing looks kind of cool. What is it good for, Eddie?"
"Oh, I don't know, Pats. I haven't seen it in all my l… Wait. No. I remember now… It's from my box."
"Your box? Which box?"
"My Tibetan wooden chest. Don't you remember? I got it in the seventies, during that Buddhist experience we did in Tibet."
Patsy's expression was one of confusion.
"No, I don't remember that. Did we… did we smoke a lot during that trip?"
"Oh, yeah, it was great. We had such a blast…" Eddie chortled.
"Oh, alright then."
Patsy seemed relieved and smiled. She took out a new cigarette and lighted it on the dying rest of the old one.
"I wonder where that chest is," Eddie mused.
"Why? Is there a man hanging on to it?" Patsy asked lamely.
"No. But I think I stored something in it," said Eddie.
"Something? Ohhh! Eddie! Was that something by any chance… fun stuff?"
"Yes, Pats, I think it was," Eddie giggled as excitedly as Patsy did.
"What was it? Pot? Happy pills? Mushrooms? Heroin? Think, Eddie!"
"Ooh, I can't, Pats! I don't even know where that blasted thing is."
"Then let's go and look for it. Do you realize what that means? We've got thirty year old dope at hand! It will be the trip of our lives!"
They both cheered and cackled (you could almost think they were on a trip just then). Then they jumped up and eagerly rushed upstairs to turn Eddie's bedroom inside out in search of the mysterious box.
"I didn't know I had so many clothes," Eddie said in amazement, as they took layer after layer from the depths of her closet. The heaps on the floor grew larger and larger.
"I feel as if I were already in Tibet," Patsy remarked, looking around when she lighted her next cigarette. She put a lot of effort into trying to sit down on one of the piles which was not easy for her because her tight skirt was heavily interfering with her intention. At last she managed it and with a little grunt she slumped onto a heap of Eddie's flower-patterned caftans.
"Eddie, I feel a little weak," she moaned. "Eddie, I need something invigorating, now."
"There's a vodka bottle in the fridge in the bedside table," Eddie murmured without interrupting the search.
"Oh, Eddie, this project here has been really tiring. I don't think I can get up. Eddie? Eddie!"
Eddie sighed and withdrew her head from the closet, marching over to the bedside to take the vodka from the fridge. After having taken a nice swig herself she handed the bottle over to Patsy who grabbed it avidly.
"There you go, Pats. You can finish it; I've got some more of these in the fridge."
She returned to the closet and a minute later she let out a triumphant cry (meanwhile Patsy had dedicated her full attention to the bottle with the translucent liquid).
"Look, darling, I've found it, I've found it. Oh, I knew I had it somewhere."
And she scuttled excitedly over to Patsy, earrings swinging. In her hands she held an angular, wooden crate. Patsy finally tore her gaze away from the vodka bottle and tried to struggle to her feet. She couldn't do it on her own so Eddie had to give her a hand and in a combined effort Patsy managed to stand up. They panted and Patsy said:
"I… told… you… I was… exhausted."
She inhaled the smoke of her cigarette. Eddie wiped the sweat off of her face.
"Let's go downstairs, Pats. I don't want to stay in here… It's so… messy. I'm getting a bad vibe from that."
Fussing and squealing they descended into the kitchen and settled themselves at the table. (Since they had accidentally left the bronze key in the kitchen earlier on, it was a very sound thing to return there anyway.)
Eddie put the box on the table and Patsy handed her the key.
"This is a historic moment, darling," Patsy said solemnly. "We're about to go where hardly anyone has gone before."
Eddie nodded and giggled. Then her face fell.
"What if there's nothing in it?"
Patsy looked like a child who had just learned that there is no Easter bunny.
"What do you mean?" she asked weakly. "Darling, darling, if the thing is really empty, what are we going to do?"
Eddie thought for a moment. Then she said decidedly:
"Well, if there are no drugs in it, we will instead go to the ecstasy rave at Piccadilly tonight. How about that, Pats?"
"Alright, Eddie, alright. I can live with that. Yeah, that should be alright…"
Eddie was already fumbling with the key which – astonishingly – seemed to fit the lock. There was a sharp 'click' and the box was unlocked. Almost reverentially Eddie lifted the lid. They both held their breath. Inside the box there were incense sticks, an ornamented silver locket, some crayons (probably for drawing mantras) – and a little plastic bag with dried herbs in it.
"Yes!" Patsy cried and Eddie grinned and reached for the bag. She opened it cautiously so she wouldn't spill anything. Both women breathed in the odours that came from the bag. They weren't very strong. Maybe the herbs were too old. They both tried not to look too disappointed.
"What do you reckon it is?" Patsy asked.
"I don't know," Eddie replied. "Some far eastern plant I suppose. My guru gave it to me back in the days. And we can't ask him, he's dead by now."
"Did he die of smoking?" Patsy asked reflexively.
"No, he was eaten by a tiger. Bad karma he had…"
"Wow, lucky we don't live in Tibet or India or somewhere around there," Patsy said. "Since my karma's been pretty bad, too, lately."
"Oh, it wasn't a tiger from the jungle. He went to the US where they have parks with wild animals, wildcats and all sorts of things. You know, like Siegfried and Roy. He wanted to get into contact with nature and find the animal soul within his core."
"Looks like the tiger found his core first," Patsy noted.
"Yes, poor sod!" Eddie nodded sympathetically. "Anyway, these herbs are all that is left of him now. What do we do with them?"
Patsy blew out smoke from her cigarette.
"What we usually do with plants: smoke them and then we rock'n'roll."
"Yes, but… Pats, what if the stuff is… expired? What if it doesn't work any more? Or if it has turned poisonous?"
All of a sudden, Eddie felt upset. Patsy fell quiet, thinking and eventually she said, "Well, at least we have to make sure that it won't kill us. I mean, if it is only hallucinogenic, then I don't mind; just hand me the joint, you know."
They giggled, remembering their previous experiences with smoking substances.
"We need someone to test the bloody stuff for us," Patsy said.
"But what if we kill them?"
"We can watch them and call emergency if they seem to be about to kick the bucket."
Eddie still didn't look convinced.
"Maybe we should ask someone who, you know, is a specialist."
"Who are you talking about? We only know some small-time dealers."
"What if we went to the Piccadilly rave and asked someone there?"
Patsy shifted in her chair, looking unhappy.
"You mean we are not going to smoke it now?"
"Darling, do you want to keel over dead today?"
"Well, if the pot is as good as I expect I will put up with the risk."
"Oh, Pats, no," Eddie shook her head. "It's not worth that. And what would become of poor Saffy if we died? Probably my mother would take care of her and that I have to prevent by all means!"
"Come to think of that, we should really try it," Patsy murmured. Eddie ignored that last remark.
"So that's settled: we'll go to the rave and tomorrow we will possibly have the greatest smoke of our lives."
Patsy stood up.
"Right cheers, then let's go to work for a change."
Eddie was surprised by that sudden change of mind but she agreed and got up to get her coat. Then something occurred to her.
"Pats, I cannot be seen in public without my LaCroix bling! And since it's gone I can't go to work."
Patsy looked around the room and then haphazardly opened the door of the microwave. In it lay the necklace, sparkling innocently at them.
The next 'morning' Eddie woke with a pounding head and last night's makeup smeared all over her face. She coughed and reached for a bottle of Green Tea lemonade, Cosmopolitan's drink of the season. So, of course, she had to have it imported. She took a sip and screwed up her face. 'Hip' obviously didn't also mean 'tasty'. She stumbled down to the kitchen and discovered that Saffy had already left. But at least she had prepared Eddie's daily ration of coffee. Eddie was rummaging around in the cutlery drawer for a decent spoon to eat her cereals (no champagne breakfast toady, she had decided wisely) when a low grunt from the sofa made her jerk and almost sent the bowl of cereals crashing to the floor.
Patsy poked out her head over the back of the sofa, an unlit cigarette glued to her lower lip by a mixture of lipstick and saliva.
"Goodness, Patsy, you scared the hell out of me!" Eddie gasped.
Patsy's face didn't even twitch and she just said with her eyes half open, "Were we at Piccadilly last night?"
"Yes, I believe we were," Eddie sighed. "Do you want some breakfast?"
"No, thanks, darling, I'll be fine with just a cigarette."
She got up and joined Eddie at the kitchen table, lighting the cigarette stuck to her mouth on the way. Eddie wolfed down her cereals, to which she added some painkillers, telling Patsy about the non-fat milk and the sugar-free cereals and Patsy enthusiastically agreed to everything Eddie said.
"Pats, can you remember that we asked that guy Gareth about our pot?" Eddie asked when her glance fell upon the wooden crate on the countertop.
"I don't even remember Gareth," Patsy admitted.
"Yes, I suppose you were too distracted since you were also entertaining Dave and Wayne. Anyway, Gareth told us that we could use the pot, unless it has turned mouldy, but he wasn't sure whether it will still work."
"I see. I didn't see any mould though. Would be a shame to waste the pot then. What do you say? Should we have a go at it today?"
Patsy seemed wide awake now.
"I still think we should test it on someone else first," Eddie said hesitatingly.
Suddenly steps could be heard from the staircase and with a hearty "Good moh-anin'" Bubble came galumphing down into the kitchen, sporting a ridiculous ensemble of clothes, just as usual. She wore a harlequin's cap with a multi-coloured checked pattern and a big white feather, a matching white feather stole and pearl necklace, a dress in roughly the same colours as her hat, white knee socks with stripes at the top and buckled shoes. She was carrying a clipboard and a folder in front of her and jabbered non-stop.
Eddie lifted one hand up to her aching head and Patsy angrily watched Bubble drawing near.
"Bubble, what are you doing here?" Eddie said, irritated.
"Ouh, don't you remembah? You called me yestadey and told me to visit you t'day because you weren't sure if you could mehk it to the office t'day. Somthin' about a rehv."
"Yes, yes, fair enough! I remember. Lulu's going to make a small tour next month, kind of at short notice but that doesn't make it less urgent," she told Patsy.
Bubble looked at the two party victims in front of her and sighed.
"Wow, you two look really messed up. That's probably because you partied wayyy too hard last night. Ye know, when ye get ohlder or even as ohld as you are already, you should tohn it down a bit. I mean, look at yoh faces! They look like those crinkle blouses from Marks and Spencer, even in colours!"
Eddie and Patsy looked at her as if they wanted to skin her alive but then thought better of it because suddenly they both seemed to have an idea and they looked at each other with a knowing smirk. Bubble droned on and on about anti-aging programmes and the effects of alcohol on human skin.
"Bubble, darling," Eddie addressed her assistant in a syrupy voice. "You are so right! We really can't go on like this, can we, Patsy?"
Patsy shook her head, trying to look regretful and drawing on her cigarette.
"And that's why we won't take any more substances or smoke, ever again," Eddie continued.
Patsy choked on the smoke. Bubble looked questioningly at Patsy's cigarette and then at Eddie.
"No, we won't," Eddie repeated. "Patsy, why don't you show Bubble that we're serious about it and extinguish that fag?"
Sulkily, Patsy brought her cigarette down to the ashtray as if in slow motion, giving Eddie a killing glance. Eddie smiled and snatched the chest from the countertop.
"So, Bubble, this leaves us with a little dilemma now. You need to help us with something. You see, we've got that great tobacco, really exotic, and expensive, too, and now that we are non-smokers" – Patsy let out a snort which she hastily disguised by pretending to have to sneeze – "we have to bequeath this little treasure to someone who is worth it. And since you convinced us to give up our filthy habits" – Patsy looked disgusted but at least didn't snort this time – "you shall have this leafy joy all to yourself."
Bubble didn't look impressed in the slightest, she only said, "That's very thoughtful of you but I don't smohk either. You should give it to someone who appreciates it."
"Oh, come on, you little sissy! I've had it with your holier-than-thou bullshit!" Patsy exploded, but fortunately, Bubble was distracted from this tirade when another visitor came down the stairs and so she didn't really hear Patsy's raving.
It was Eddie's mother who was descending the stairs, handbag held out in front of her for better balance, and she piped:
"Morning, dear, it's lucky that you are still at home, so I'll have some nice company when I sip my tea. Did Saffy buy that ginger tea we talked about last week?"
"Good moh-anin'," Bubble cried.
"Mu-um," Eddie said, taken aback. "What are you doing here? We're sort of busy here at the moment…"
"Oh, never mind, dear, I won't disturb you at all!" Mrs Monsoon prattled. "I'll have a look at your newspaper and then I'll have some tea and then I'll rearrange the decoration upstairs. It's been looking rather disorganized lately."
"You can't just walk around and rearrange my stuff," Eddie complained furiously. "This is my house, mum! Go and arrange stuff in your own house."
"Oh, no, dear. I can't do that, see, at my place everything is already in perfect order."
Eddie groaned. Patsy had got up and was busy opening the first wine bottle of the day. Bottle in hand, she returned to her chair and poured herself a reasonable glass. Bubble snatched it from her in a blink.
"Tut, tut, tut," she said reproachfully. "Alcohol will mehk thohse circles unda your eyes even dahker. Remember your resolution? No moh drugs!"
"Eddie, give her the po… the tobacco now," Patsy screamed. "Before I'll strangle her with her own bloody feather boa!"
"Tobacco?" Mrs Monsoon chimed in. "You're not going to make that poor girl smoke now, are you? It's a disgusting habit."
"I'm not going t' smohk ya strange tobacco. Not now, not eva!" Bubble cried indignantly. "I think I will leave now, if ye please!"
And she took her clipboard and folder and rushed up the stairs. Eddie and Patsy stared after her in disbelief. How would they get another test person?
"Edwina, dear," Mrs Monsoon said, ignoring Bubble's outburst and her leaving completely. "Where do you keep the sugar? I've been searching for it for days but I can't seem to find it."
Eddie and Patsy turned to her.
"You've been searching it for days? When were you here during the last couple of days, mum?"
"Oh, almost every day. You are usually in bed or out shopping and I am mostly in the living room so you probably don't see me."
"Mum, you shouldn't be running about the house without me knowing! I can't have people coming and going here without knowing about that!"
"No, don't get me wrong, dear. I don't 'run about the house'. I make myself useful. I sort out old newspapers, I order flower bouquets for the rooms, I tidy up… The day before yesterday, for example, I found your golden necklace lying around, you know, that big ugly thing you use to wear, so I put it away safely. You never know if people like those flower delivery guys can keep their fingers off of other people's belongings."
Eddie and Patsy stared at her. Eddie said weakly:
"You… put my Christian LaCroix necklace into the microwave?"
Mrs Monsoon cocked her head, thinking hard.
"Was it the microwave? I thought I had put it in a place where no thief would look for it… Yes, maybe it was the microwave."
Eddie gasped for breath. Oh, this was all very much for just one morning. Meanwhile Patsy reached for her cigarettes and lighted one with an expression of utter delight (since the threat of being forced not to smoke seemed to be over).
"Mum, do you have any idea what could have happened?" Eddie began. "You cannot put metal into a microwave! Just imagine I put food into it without looking and switched it on!"
"You cannot put metal into a microwave?" Patsy interjected. "Why not?"
"Because the bloody thing will blow up and probably you, too," Eddie fumed.
"Oh," Patsy said surprised. "Well, I wouldn't know, I've never put up with any kind of oven."
"Oh, right, you don't eat," Eddie said in a milder tone. "Yeah, I didn't know about that metal detail, either, until Saffy told me. But it was too late, I had already put a metal bowl into it."
"Did it explode?" Patsy asked interestedly.
"Yes, Guy Fawkes Night was early that year," Eddie chuckled and Patsy joined in. In the meantime Mrs Monsoon had taken some teacups from the cupboard and put them in a row, thinking about which one to use. Eddie shot her a nasty glance.
"Anyway, thank you for saving my bling-bling, mother," she said icily. "I will pay you back as soon as I can."
"Oh, it was nothing, dear," Mrs Monsoon chirped. "Could you put the kettle on, please? I'm busy deciding which tea to make."
She started rummaging around in the cupboard over the sink.
"Eddie, Eddie, Eddie," Patsy whispered, as Eddie had fulfilled her mother's plea. Soon the water started to boil noisily.
"What, Pats?"
"What if we put some of the herbs into the tea? You know, to test them."
Eddie's face broke into a smile.
"Pats, that's brilliant. Maybe I will even get back at my mother this way. Maybe she'll behave normally for once."
"What do you mean, normally?"
"Well, drugs are supposed to turn people crazy. But since she is already cuckoo pants, maybe she'll turn out normal."
"Yeah, good thinking, Eddie."
"Thanks, Pats."
They took the little plastic bag from the chest and Eddie retrieved a good portion of it. Mrs Monsoon didn't notice anything because she had her back turned towards them, humming merrily. Eddie and Patsy put the herbs into the teapot which was an original Chinese teapot from Shanghai that Eddie had cadged from a designer at a fair. It had a porcelain sieve on the inside where the spout sat and this would hopefully keep the herbs from ending up in the cup. They suppressed their giggles and Eddie told her mother:
"The water's already boiling. Have you made your choice yet?"
"Yes, dear, I think I will go with jasmine tea today," Mrs Monsoon answered and handed her daughter a tea bag.
Happily Eddie plunged it into the boiling water in the teapot and put the lid on top.
"There you go, mum. I suppose, you will stay here for a while, after you've had your tea? Tidy up the house a bit? Poke your Tory nose into all of my closets?"
"No, dear, not today. I'm very busy at the moment. Mrs Silverman and I have an appointment at the barber's together. We really need to discuss her daughter's divorce. She's still convinced that Mary should stick to Alex, but I say, it's too late for that. Once a man's crossed the line and has had a fling with another man, he will not go back to a female lover. I mean, look at yourself and Justin, dear! I still wonder how you managed not to spot that he's gay for so long…"
"Yes, mother, I know that is beyond your omniscient mind and that you will keep telling me until the day I die." Eddie snapped.
"You mean, the day I die, Edwina."
"Not if you go on like that, mum."
Mrs Monsoon shook her head, making a noise of discontent.
"Eddie, we've got to keep her here or we won't see the effect the tea has," Patsy murmured. Eddie nodded vehemently in reply.
At that moment – déjà vu like – steps could be heard from above and Saffy came down the stairs, carrying her schoolbag. She wasn't surprised to find the little party in the kitchen. After all, her mother didn't have a fixed schedule (at least not one she followed, that is) and could be met at home any time of day.
"Hi, mum, hi, Patsy," she said with an exhausted sigh. Then she spotted her grandmother.
"Gran! How nice to see you! What are you doing here?"
"Saffy, dear. I'm here for a cup of tea and then I'm off to the barber's. I think my hair needs a new touch of lilac, don't you think?"
"Sweetie, why are you here in the middle of the day?" Eddie asked.
"My teacher fell ill this morning so we could go home early. Mum, have you had a look at yourself in the mirror? You look terrible! Your makeup's all over the place!"
"At least she's got makeup on," Patsy remarked. "And she only looks half as troll as you."
"Well, I appreciate your honesty, darling," Eddie said sourly to Saffy who had flinched at Patsy's words. "But I only got up a short time ago. I haven't had time to look after my makeup because people are keeping me busy. You know, I'm a businesswoman, sweetie, always busy."
And she flipped her hair back. Patsy nodded approvingly and blew smoke towards the ceiling while Mrs Monsoon took another cup from the cupboard.
"Have a cup of tea with me, Saffy, dear," she said. "It should be ready any moment now."
"Yes, grandma, thank you," Saffy said as she stored her bag and jacket in the wardrobe.
Meanwhile, Eddie was busy berating her friend.
"Pats, why didn't you tell me about my war paint makeup?" she hissed under her breath.
"Sorry, darling, I thought you were going for that raunchy heroin-chic today," Patsy apologized.
"You just missed that strange little girl from your mother's office," Mrs Monsoon continued to tell Saffy. "She left helter-skelter when Edwina and Patsy tried to force drugs on her."
"You did what?" Saffy cried.
Eddie and Patsy started at that. They felt caught red-handed and exchanged uncomfortable glances.
"Yes, they wanted to make that poor girl smoke!" Mrs Monsoon said scandalized.
"Smoke?" Saffy repeated, hardly less suspicious. "What did you try to give her? Marijuana?"
"No, no, of course not," Eddie and Patsy hurried to say.
"It was just some… exotic tobacco," Eddie assured Saffy not quite truthfully, "From my former Buddhist teacher. Perfectly alright, completely organic."
"Yeah, no, no drugs," Patsy said. "That would be illegal, wouldn't it? Forcing drugs on someone…"
She and Eddie looked at each other, comprehension of what Patsy had just said dawning on them. Saffy gave them a sharp look but didn't say anything. Instead her grandma did.
"Oh, is it that late already?" she cried. "I need to get going! I'll be late for my appointment. So it's no tea for me then. Sorry, Saffy, I guess I'll meet you at the weekend. Oh, and where did I put my handbag?"
And she bustled around the kitchen to find the lost bag.
"Ah, here it is! I'll see you all soon I suppose," she said, kissing Saffy goodbye and waving at Eddie and Patsy as she climbed the stairs. "Edwina, you should really do something about that makeup of yours."
Eddie made a face at her and Patsy opened her handbag to produce a fabulous hand mirror and some makeup utensils a moment later.
"Here, darling, I'll hold this up for you while you repair the damage," she said, taking another drag from her cigarette.
"Oh, did I look like this all morning?"
Eddie was shocked. She began to tidy up her eye shadow with a face tissue and correct the smudged eyeliner. Patsy observed her every move and no one noticed that Saffy had poured herself a cup of tea and then taken a sip from it.
"Mmm, jasmine tea, is it?" she said. "And this is a really good one, too. Where did you get it, mum? It doesn't say because the label of the tea bag is missing."
Eddie and Patsy spun around and stared at Saffy who looked baffled because of their violent reaction.
"Aah, sweetie, the tea…" Eddie said horrified. "It's some exclusive brand someone gave to me at work."
Patsy nodded, looking rather amused than scared.
"Saffy, darling, what are you planning to do today?" Eddie asked uneasily.
"What do you mean, mum?"
"I mean, now that you've got some spare time at hand. Why don't you spend the next few hours with Patsy and me? How about that, pumpkin?"
Saffy wasn't too pleased about that prospect.
"Well, what do you have in mind?" she asked doubtfully.
Eddie and Patsy exchanged looks, Eddie at a complete loss for an answer. So Patsy stepped in.
"We could… That is, you could… show us how to do things in the household," she said quizzically. Saffy looked at her in disbelief but Eddie added enthusiastically:
"Brilliant! I mean, yes, we would really like that, wouldn't we, Pats?"
And the two of them nodded eagerly.
"For example, you could show us how to brew coffee," Eddie went on. "And how to work the dishwasher."
Saffy was still unconvinced but she agreed.
"Alright. Maybe you will finally gain a tiny bit of independence, mum. I'm tired of wiping your fat backside all the time."
"Sweetie! I thought we had agreed on not using the f-word in this house any more! Now be a good daughter and show mummy how to operate the coffee machine."
They went over to the coffee machine and Saffy was almost through with explaining and demonstrating its functions when she suddenly fell quiet. Eddie and Patsy eyed her half anxiously, half curiously.
"Sweetie, is everything all right?" Eddie asked.
Saffy put her hands to her stomach and shook her head.
"I don't feel well, mum," she groaned. "I think I'm going to be sick."
And she ran to the bathroom where according to the sounds coming from there she vomited her guts out.
For a moment Eddie and Patsy were silent and looked embarrassed and then Eddie ran after her daughter while Patsy lighted another cigarette.
"Thank goodness we were spared the bloody dishwasher," she murmured.
The rest of the day Saffy stayed in bed, watched by Eddie who felt so guilty that she could even bring herself to making her daughter (real) herbal tea and ordering crackers and other things easy to digest from a local delicatessen shop. She even read to Saffy from Simone de Beauvoir's "Letters to Sartre" although she didn't really get the hang of it. Patsy spent the day at the 'Lotus Garden', attended to by Pablo, who received a huge tip afterwards. The herbs from the chest were secretly buried in the dustbin and never talked about again. Saffy never knew for sure why she fell sick that day but she suspected that it might have been due to the day-old lobster sandwich she had had during the morning break.