Rewrite- The Threads of Fate Samples
Author's Note- Please, if you are here and you read my Fanfiction "The Threads of Fate", please read the following samples of the rewritten chapter 1 done in different style, and tell me which you think is best.
Sample number 1- Kara-Chan's Not-So-Friendly Hello Party
This story begins at a place I'm sure most of us are familiar with- Konoha Shinobi Academy. It starts on a hot day, when all the children are outside for recess, running around and screaming and attacking each other violently as most twelve-year-olds do. In the few trees planted inside the inclosed space of play, children with a knack for tree climbing usually fool around up in the strong leafy branches high above the ground. Sitting on one of the forked parts of those trees is a little girl, the one who this story is about, and she is sitting in that tree reading a book that seems to be filled with things of a… questionable nature. Not exactly appropriate for a girl her age to be reading, but none the less, she is our "heroine", so the speak. It seems she finished reading her book, and is now staring at the children playing 'Ninja' down below her perch in the treetops. Musubime Karamiau is the little girl's name, a fitting name for one whose thoughts and feelings are so complex. As Kara-chan surveys the roughhousing children below, her flat gray eyes gleam mischievously; she seems to be cooking up some kind of evil scheme in that disturbed little head of hers. We don't really want to know what the little devil has come up with this time, but whatever it is, it can't be good.
As was mentioned before, Musubime Karamiau is technically the heroine of this little story, but there is nothing really heroic about her. She isn't super strong, or wise, or gifted with incredible powers, though she is intelligent. She's not top of her class or popular or even remotely interesting to look at, with her small build, pink-tinted skin, and stick straight, dark brown hair she keeps in loose braids by her shoulders. The most unheroic thing about her has to be her personality. Karamiau is (outwardly) an antisocial, cold, apathetic little girl whose glares can stop a grown man in his tracks with the promise of a slow death, and a sharp tongue to wield her colorful arsenal of clever insults that can match wits with the worst of them and win. Her mind is dirtier than her soon-to-be sensei's, which is quite a feat. It's filled to the brim with darkness and yaoi. Despite her ordinary looks and horrible personality, Karamiau is still the hero of this story, and we are still going to tell it, regardless of whether or not she fixes her large, cat-like eyes on us and stares us down like a bird of prey. (No matter how creepy that is) Take it away, our black clad little morsel of darkne- OOPS!- We meant Kara-chan.
Karamiau point of view
Sample number 2- MUSUBIME KARAMIAU HATES YOU
Sensei is such a perv. He's always pushing me down and doing weird things to me, just like now, even though I'm a boy, he calls me cute, and pretty, and beautiful. Like he's doing right now, pushing me up against a tree and nibbling on my- SMACK!-
The book is slammed shut, its owner looking around fervently, her already pinkish face tinted with a faint blush.
This book is a bit too risque to to be reading where someone can see it. The short little girl pushes a few bothersome strands of hair out of her face before surveying her surroundings closely.
It's recess time at Konoha Ninja Academy, and all the shinobi-in-training are playing in the courtyard. There's children running, jumping, climbing, yelling, laughing, punching, and even some throwing shuriken and kunai at targets. All in all, everywhere was pretty much taken. Oooooh, wait- the young girl spots a tall tree,the leafy branches of which provide a perfect cover. Now all she has to do is get there without her sensei getting suspicious.
She gets up off the ground where she had been sitting for a while, and tucks her book under her arm.
Making her way nonchalantly over to the tree, she reaches into one of the purple pouches on her belt and pulls out a sash. She ties it around her back, and tucks the book securely under it. Her hands now free, she uses her chakra to climb up the tree with her hands and feet, going all the way up to a sizable branch and sitting on it. By the time she got herself situated on the branch and pulls out the book, the shrill sound of a whistle split the air, signalling that recess was over. Once again, the poor little girl slammed it shut, before jumping off the branch, landing lightly on the ground below, and sulking over to the schoolhouse.
Sample number 3- Musubime Karamiau, Fujoshi-In-Training
Konoha Shinobi Academy, the rearing grounds of Konoha's killing-machines-in-training. It is in this nest of learning that our story begins.
It's recess , every child's favorite time during the school day, where one can be as loud and as rowdy as they want- and shinobi children are no exception.
However, not all children act like crazed animals someone made the mistake of giving sugar to during recess. One little girl up in the branches of a rather large tree, for example, is quietly reading a book that seems to be of a dubious nature. Despite the rather…. racey… content of the book, the only reaction visible is a faint, barely noticeable flush in her cheeks, and the fleeting glances at her surroundings no doubt making sure nobody is near her.
Seeing that the coast is clear, the pinkish girl pushes her brown hair out of her eyes, and leans further over the book, hiding the yaoi-filled pages from the view of her omnipresent sensei.