This is completely and utterly the result of too much sugar and caffeine and too little fanfiction, my mom banned me for most of the summer so I could not vent at all and look what it gets! It gets this high thing, it is not the worst I have ever written but honestly it is pretty crazy. This is the first chapter they are all going to be one-shots with no real relationship to each other aside from the fact that I took beloved children's stories and put the FMA crew in. they have scripts but likely will only follow them if I shout at them, we here you go
Ed: only you have the power to save us, tell her to stop! I beg you make her stop!
Get in your coat and on with the story! And I don't own FMA or any of these now twisted to barest recognition stories thank you!
Ch 1 little (who are you calling short) Ed riding hood.
"Brother, Pinako needs this basket of goodies!" Al chirped to his brother who was lounging on the sofa in his trademarked red coat.
"Basket of goodies? What are we in a kid's story or what?" Ed growled "who says 'basket of goodies' in real life?"
"Uhm… the script says that you need to take it to her house in the middle of the woods because she is sick… oh no you don't think she has what mom got do you?!" Al said ignoring his brother because he is a good, author fearing boy.
"Since when does she live in the middle of the woods? And how are 'goodies' going to help her she needs a doctor, not sweets!" Ed questioned though he did hope that Pinako was going to be ok.
"Just do what the author wants and perhaps things will make sense again soon brother." Al sighed, handing Ed a handmade woven basket full of muffins, cookies, brownies, and pie.
"I don't dance for that crazy girl" Ed growled but found himself talking to a tree as he and the basket were teleported to the edge of the woods "you had something to do with this didn't you Alex?!" Ed shouted at the sky.
"Follow the script and deliver the damn basket to the middle of the woods 'Little Ed Riding Hood'" a voice came out of nowhere.
"Who are you calling so short he could fall into a kid's story and get lost in it?!" Ed spazed followed by a moment of silence as he waited for a reply from the author he knew was listening.
"You did" the voice said after a pause trying to hold back laughter "now I will help you get a move on I need to torment Roy next" suddenly the environment changed again, Ed was in the middle of the woods on a path marked 'grandma's house three miles' pointing to the deeper and darker part of the woods.
"It always is the dark part of the woods" Ed sighed to himself and began walking he rather liked the idea of Roy torture rather than the authors weird bent of Ed torture.
"Hey pipsqueak" Envy said emerging from a bush dressed in a really fake gray wolf outfit.
"Don't call me short!" Ed shouted before noticing the homunculus's costume then he fell down from laughing too hard while Envy just got more pissed.
"What are you laughing at shrimp?!" Envy growled kicking Ed in the side while he rolled on the ground laughing.
"at least I don't have to dress up like an idiot" Ed said as he caught his breath again and stood up he enjoyed seeing the sin dressed like an idiot so much he missed the short comment for an additional three seconds "and I am not short!" he shouted finally noticing.
"I aught to kill you right now for that" Envy growled glaring at Ed.
"So how did she get you into that thing?" Ed asked still quite amused
Envy paused looking terrified as he flashed back…
He was kicking some puppy and doing other Envy things when two people showed up, one was a girl with glasses and the other was a blond man dressed much like greed.
"Hi Envy!" the girl chirped, "Could I ask you a favor?"
"What the hell?!" Envy was caught off guard as the man suddenly got behind him and grabbed him. "Big mistake bastard" Envy growled only to be thwarted in his escape attempts, he even tried changing shape but the man held fast.
"I knew you would never agree" the girl said glancing at her rather long nails and not paying much attention to the sin, in fact she looked board. "So that really wasn't a question, rather you will do as I say" she looked up at him, smiling evilly and a dark glint in her eye. "Xilon, playtime is over, bring him, we have work to do" she demanded of the man. Envy shouted bloody murder as they dragged him off and he found out that there are scarier things than the gate can offer.
…"None of your business shrimp!" Envy recovered shouting at Ed.
"I told you to stop calling me that!!!" Ed shouted back
"Anyway I'm hungry give me that basket of food" Envy said smelling the yummy treats inside the basket.
"Take it I don't care." Ed shrugged tossing the basket, only to have it hit him in the head as it flew back at him.
"That is not in the script damnit Ed!" the voice came and suddenly Envy got wide eyed and curled up in the fetal position whimpering and sucking one of his pawed thumbs.
"I don't give a damn what you want!" Ed shouted back rubbing his injured head, and what the hell is with girls and hitting me in the head with things?!"
"Crazy girl" Envy muttered still freaked out from hearing the voice and spaced out.
"Do you or do you not want Roy torture?"
"How much more of this is there for me?" Ed tried bargaining.
"If you follow the script not much this is a short story."
"Fine, but you better make it worth it" Ed growled he received evil giggling and 'it will be trust me' followed by more giggling as a response. Ed grinned liking that response "let's see here" he pulled out a script from the basket. "Ok… sorry wolf this is for my sick granny" Ed said grimacing at how corny that sounded.
"Is she gone?" Envy whimpered looking around.
"Likely if you follow her stupid rules" Ed stated impatiently "get a move on would ya, I want to end this now!"
Envy stood up, brushed the dirt off his costume, and pulled out a script of his own "uh… that's sweet, but the woods are dangerous for a little kid like you."
"What?! Who are you calling short?!" Ed growled.
"Let me… escort you, to keep you safe from wild animals"
"I can damn well take care of myself, go to hell" Ed growled crushing the script and tossing it behind him as he started to walk down the path to granny's house.
Suddenly a sign popped up in front of Envy saying short cut to granny's house, pointing down the other path. Envy shrugged and followed the path after looking at the script. He soon reached the small cottage and found the door open. He walked in and saw Pinako sitting in a chair smoking her pipe.
"It says to eat her?!" Envy said out loud reading the script "gross that's Gluttony's thing not mine" he growled.
"Pinako I got the goodies" Ed called coming in the house and saw Envy and Pinako there.
"Uhm… Grrr I'm a wolf" Envy said hoping that the crazy girl would take pity on him and not blame him for this plot failure.
"forget the damn script I feel the need to hurt something" Ed growled dropping the basket and getting into a fight with Envy, the fight was broken up when Ed and Envy were both knocked out by shrapnel from the wall blowing up. Scar in a woodcutters outfit walked in.
"This is not how it was supposed to happen" the bespectacled girl came in after him looking at the mess, "Xilon lets just go to the next story"
Scar looked at her and then became the blond man Envy had seen with her when he was recruited, "yeah, this story is shot to hell" he said looking at the mess while Pinaco just watched from her chair.
"Seems so, it might have been more fun if we really got Scar, but then Ed might have been killed, oh well" she turned and began walking away. Xilon followed behind her laughing to himself.
R&R... the other stories will be updated soon... or taken down if i can not finish... life hits hard when you are a college bound seinor in high school