Stuck. Some times I just feel stuck. Like my feet are frozen in a block of ice and I can't move. I can't go forward and I can't go back. I wish and pray I could get my feet loose and go back. Change the path that led me here. Change the decisions that left us all frozen and dead inside. Change the choices that took you away from us. Change the circumstances so that I could have one last conversation with you. I prayer for it every night before I go to sleep. It haunts me. Conversations and hateful exchanges pollute my mind as I drown in my regrets. I'm just frozen. Stuck. And I can't move.
I had had my share of relationships and a healthy fear of commitment issues in addition to trust issues. But I loved people, especially men and the physical aspect of a relationship is what motivated me.
After living in Miami for several years and ending a long term relationship which a man much older than me, I had picked up and moved to Sarasota. I just wanted a change and a fresh start.
I transferred jobs with the airline I was working for and started a new chapter on the beautiful west coast of Florida. In Sarasota, all of my coworkers were young and single like me and we all liked to hang out when we weren't working.
Jake was beautiful. Blonde hair, clear blue eyes and a beautiful body. His British accent was endearing and my coworker once described him as a "blonde Adonis". We worked for different airlines in the small Sarasota airport. We had been dating for a while and while I really enjoyed spending time with him, and the sex was pretty good, I think he was much more invested and saw us as way more serious than I did. But we had fun so I went with it.
One night we went to dinner with another couple and little did I know, that dinner would change my life forever. That dinner is where I met my soul mate, the love of my life. And his name was Tom. Or at least that's what his name tag said when he waited on our table that night. We had just been seated and the most beautiful guy I'd ever seen walked up and introduced himself as our waiter. We immediately made eye contact and he had the most amazing brown eyes and the cutest freckle just under his left eye, right in the middle. A strong jawline and very tall.. something about him just drew me in.
At some point during dinner Jake left the table and "Tom" came over and chatted with me and my friends. We found out his real name was "Edward" and he was just using "Tom's" name tag for the evening. He asks my name, where I lived and where I worked. The conversation was easy and the chemistry was evident. With the help of my friend who could tell I was drooling, Edward and I exchanged phone numbers with a promise to call one another. I didn't think too much of it and figured as beautiful as he was, I'm sure this sort of thing happened all of the time. My friends and I left and I doubted I would ever hear from him.
Two nights later I got the shock of my life. I was working the late shift and had just come inside after unloading an arriving airplane. It was storming so I was soaked and looked like a drowned rat. I looked up from behind the ticket counter and saw the beautiful Tom.. I mean Edward walking toward me with a devilish smirk. My coworker and friend Cindy immediately noticed my red face and profanity pouring from my mouth. I only had time to say "it's the guy" before Edward stood in front of me and muttered a shy "hi". I literally thought I would pass out.