Chapter 1: Happy 17th Birthday

There was nothing being done to cover up my supposed 'surprise party'.

Brenda was discreetly blowing up balloons in her room thinking I couldn't hear her. Dad was shifting through dusty cookbooks for a recipe dedicated to birthday cakes. And Liberty Bell was practically shouting from the rooftops saying that my party was a surprise and I wasn't mean to know it.

Yep. Discreet the McGuffs are.

It happened to be day before my party and I was walking in a supermarket with my best pal Leah. "You know Juno, I've finally found a way for my airbags to deploy to full size," she informed me drawing glances from other shoppers.

I was confused. "And by that, you mean?"

"My Bazooka Joes, of course," Leah replied. I think she was talking about her boobs but she could've been talking about her brain. You know what I'm saying; maybe she was talking about doing well in school and being intelligent and letting her brain grow with wisdom and knowlegde.

"My tits Juno, if you want to be frank."

Cross intelligence off list, instead add 'implants'.

"Look Leah," I told her. "Your boobs are perfectly fine, they don't need to grow any bigger. I mean, some women can't even fit through their shower doors because their bongos are too engorged."

She laughed and replied; "No, not that big but just bigger so men actually realized I have a rack."

"You know you go completely off topic. One minute we were talking about my evident surprise party, then about your grandmother's karaoke skills and now about your boobs!" I yelled astonished. "Besides Leah, you've gone out with some heaps of guys; remember Anthony Ryans?"

"Yeah, then I found out that he was my third cousin, I can only thank to god we didn't kiss or anything," Leah said. "Besides, Kevin would appreciate these if they were bigger."

Here was her teacher fetish in the bombing zone.

"Kevin is a forty years old teacher! You're not even at a legal age to be with him."

"Yeah, but when I am, we'll be ready to take the first step," Leah replied dreamly.

"He's married!" I yelled.

Leah's face kinda transformed into the Monster from Green Lagoon then she turned normal and said; "Anyway, I know how to get my boobs bigger."

"A way that doesn't involve having a collison with a truck?" I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing. You were saying?"

"The answer is the chicken from KFC! They practically pump hormones into those chicken that can put hormones into your body after consuming them and therefore resulting in Jugs replacing Mugs."

I picked a Mars bar from the shelf and pocketed it. "Fascinating. Hope it works out for you." I started walking towards the exit of the shop before Leah stopped me.

In a low voice, she asked; "Juno, aren't you supposed to pay for that?!"

I raised one eyebrow; "When you've given birth at sixteen, we'll talk."

"But I'm already sevente -"

"We'll talk..later, see you at the part-tay!"

Best Mars bar of my life.

After school next day, my birthday, the day I came out of womb, the day my mom aimed and fired, whatever you want to call it, was the start of my surprise party.

I opened the door and was greeted by a shout of 'SURPRISE!'. I did an Oscar-worthy impression of being surprised with my eyes wide open and my as wide open as I could (my fist could've fit in there).

Dad, Brenda, Liberty Bell, Leah, Bleeker, and - who was that! She looked familiar with hair like mine and a face like mine and - (Shoked gasp) It was my Mum!

"Uh..hi, mum, it's great to see you." I faked happiness. Stupid cactus-mailing fungus face!

"Oh Junebug," she exclaimed. "How could I miss this event?"

"You missed every other birthday, can't imagine why this one would be different. Are they handing out free condoms so you have less children to abandon?"

"Juno!" my dad exclaimed. "She has come here to make amends which I think is..wonderful.

"Yeah...sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.." I muttered.

Bleeker was looking akwardly at the two of us before snapping his fingers. "Now I finally realized why she looks so much like you, Juno!"

"Great. Delayed reaction was too soon I think," I replied sarcastically.

Brenda (thank god for Brenda), suddenly clapped her hands and said; "Okay, settle down people. It's Juno party, okay, so friends and family and Juno's mum please sit down and I'll bring out the presents."

I grudgingly sat down on the couch next to mum and watched Leah openly scratching her boobs. I pssted towards Leah who looked up and I mouthed; "What's with the itching?" To which she replied openly; "This padding is really itchy. Maybe I should've bought polyester instead of sheep wool."

"Why would you buy a sheep wool bra padding?" I asked with raised eyebrows.

"I guess the fantasy of lying naked in a meadow filled with sheep apeals to me. And then Kevin arrives with his shirt off and starts to -"

"Present time!", Bren yelled holding a pile of wraped packages.

First present was from Leah who was clapping her hands in anticipation as I removed the wrapping. I gawped with happiness. "Is this a...the signed giant guitar pick signed by Mick Jagger, Ringo Starr, Michael Stipe and Freddie Mercury?! The guitar in the display case at the Museum for sale. You bought if for me?"

"Hells yeah and it wasn't cheap so I expect you to buy me a Ferrari for my next birthday," Leah replied happy.

"You got it," I replied before picking up the next package from Bleeker.

It was shaped like a trapezium and quite big. I opened it and saw and gleaming blue Les Paul guitar in there. I was instantly remined of Mark from my pregnant period of destruction. But my eyes glazed with tears of joy. Bleeker who hadn't said a word to me at all finally spoke; "It's not much but -"

"Don't be a shithead and kiss me!" I ordered before running off the couch and kissing Bleek for a full minute.

Dad interrupted; "That's fascinating and I've got a canoe in the garage but can we please continue?"

I put my two already favourite presents aside and picked up the next one. From my mum. I struggled not to chuck it through the window.

I opened and saw that it was a 120GB iPod. "Um..thanks!" I was surprised to actually be grateful and I even reluctanly gave mum a hug.

I saw that was the end of the presents and I turned my face towards dad; "You forgot, didn't you?"

"Look, I promise I'll get you a present tomorrow it you take out the garbage now, please Juno," Dad replied.

"Even on my birthday?" I asked.

"Just put the garbage outside, please."

I took the huge bag of trash from the kitchen and walked outside and saw a shiny red Corvette in the driveway. I screamed out loud and Dad ran and saw my look of happiness. "You got me a car dad?! I love you so much."

"Um..no..that's just your mom's car but I suppose your present is over there." He said pointing in the opposite direction. I screamed even louder as I saw a brand new electric blue scooter.

"I love it so much more than a car!"

"I know you do, sweetheart but as soon as you hit someone with it..well it's confiscated," Dad said firmly. "Plus, I also got it so no more backseat conceptions could happen."

"Dad, I didn't have sex in a backseat of a car -"

"That's nice dear."

" -I had it on a chair, remember that old -"

"Do I hear them singing 'Happy Birthday'?"

" -okay Dad you win, but it was on a chair and not the backseat!"

We both walked inside.

I guess in a way (apart from my mum showing up) it was the best party ever. Little did I know that mum visiting and coming back into my life would result in a big problem!