A/N: Too much troll to acknowledge in a single oneshot. Not enough sarcasm to keep up. You won, Kishimoto. *Kneels in defeat.
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Naruto and Sasuke crash for the second time when an announcement pops up in the lower right corner of the page.
"Five chapters left until... what! We're ending?!" Naruto demands, reading the text.
Sasuke freezes in place. Without a word, he marches out the studio and grabs an editor by the shirt. "What is the meaning of this?" he growls. "As good as I am, you can't expect me to defeat the dobe, reconstruct the entire shinobi world, and live godly-ever-after with my revived brother in that few frames."
Naruto snorts. "Maybe we'd have more panels left if you didn't use it all on those flashbacks of said brother."
"Or maybe you shouldn't have wasted them on your talk-no-jutsu," Sasuke snaps back.
Before the two could start their nth argument, a scream bursts out from the background. "Well, if both you boys did not have your breakup drama, I could have gotten a smidgen of character development," Sakura yells with a punch, which proceeds to break off Hashirama's beautifully crafted nose.
The Sage of Six Paths gives a side glance and coughs. "Not sure that would have happened regardless."
"Don't tell me that I'm still in a coma when this series ends!" Sakura cries in despair.
"Mah, or maybe not." Kakashi tries to console her with a pat. "SasuSaku fans have faith that five chapters are more than sufficient for Sasuke to end his fight with Naruto, convert out of his asexuality, realize his love for you, and cradle you in his arms as you open yours eyes in the very last page."
Kiba swings his arm around Naruto. "Just like how five chapters are more than sufficient for this guy to end his fight with Sasuke, break out of his stupidity, realize his love for a certain teammate of ours, and catch her as she breaks out her cocoon and emerges as a majestic butterfly. Right?" he says, baring a canine smile, while Shino silently watches with his bugs hanging in the air.
"Kiba, Shino," Naruto weakly acknowledges. "Shouldn't you guys be in the Infinite Tsukuyomi...?"
"Yes, but you will get us out before the series end, right Naruto?" Ino says, hands at her hips. "There's no way you'll leave us hanging, right?"
"Moreover, you'll integrate us all into your final battle, right, Naruto-kun?" Sai says with a smile. "After all, how can you claim your philosophical differences in individual vs. teamwork, if you both fight solo?"
"Wait, I thought it was about genius vs. hard-work?" Chouji says, dumbfounded.
"Actually, we have already debunked that claim," Shikamaru yawns. "The series have settled on the lesson that both genius and hard-work are crapshoot compared to dumb luck. To get ahead, you need to get randomly blessed by ancestral god powers."
The Sage gives a shrug of holy wisdom that does not deny such claim.
"Speaking of which, why haven't you disappeared yet?" Naruto asks the Sage, scratching his head. "You said you had to go three chapters ago."
"Whoa, whoa, like hell he's wasting precious panels to say nonsensical crap then fade away." Madara's dead body points to itself. "Those should be spent on me, the real final villain. You know twenty chapters back I would have whooped everyone's ass had that Kaguya bitch not gotten in the way."
"Ahem." Kaguya descends before everyone. "The God of Chakra is not defeated, thank you. The sealing was actually my gambit to make my enemies feel they had the upper hand. You would know that had you gotten any panels on my strategic thought or motives."
"Shut up, everyone knows you came out of nowhere, and you have the character dimension of a board. Not to mention your fight was boring as shit," Gaara says.
"Oh yeah, remember Kimimaro?" Lee exclaims. "Now that was a good fight!"
Everyone sighs at the memory of the good old days. Before the war. Before the zombies. Before the random fodder nin like the stupid Demon Brothers, whose stupid gourd had to end up in Tenten's possession because...?
"Eh, I thought the recent chapters weren't too bad," Obito says, breaking everyone out of their daydream. He liked his screen time. And fifty motherfucking panels of Rin flashbacks. Which were necessary because...?
"I don't even know," Rin says, embarrassed. "I thought it was to draw parallels between us and NaruSaku, and show how Naruto could have gone dark if he lost some precious like Sakura... but it seems he's gotten over her." She pauses. "Obito, take notes."
While the rest of the shinobi population continues to glare at the troll existence that is Obito, Naruto raises his hand. "Don't worry, I still think you're a cool guy!"
"Yeah, your parent's murderer is very cool, Naruto," Iruka deadpans. "That must be the reason that he is on your list of most influential people in your life, but the first person to protect and acknowledge you is not."
Naruto opens his mouth. Quickly, he pulls an editor aside. "It's not too late to add in Iruka-sensei for the book release, right?" he frantically asks.
Bee gives a slow clap. "How very cool, you miserable fool."
Naruto gives a double oh-crap. "Bee! Um, you're still alive, right? The whole jinchuuriki extraction and... yeah, I'll just go wake up Sakura-chan next chapter and get you medical help, and stuff."
"Your concern for your former mentors is heart-wrenching, Naruto," Yamato says flatly. Naruto gives up. He tried. It's not his fault if Kishimoto fails to keep track of his own characters. Or created that many in the first place.
"Who the fuck are you, again?" Suigetsu asks Yamato.
"We can say the same for you people," Ebisu says, nudging up his glasses, his genin team supporting him as backup.
"Yeah, back off, guys! Everyone knows that after Naruto-nii-chan defeats Sasuke, the story will end with the epic showdown between him and me, the GREAT Konohamaru, for the title of Hokage!"
"Yeaaaah, that idea was scrapped faster than Sasuke going bat-shit insane and evil. As great-" Karin emphasizes the word and snuggles closer to Sasuke, much to his discomfort. "-as both sound, it ain't happening,"
"You all should be grateful these ideas at least got into the manga," snarls Hanabi, nailing a kunai to the ground.
Naruto blinks. "Hana-who now?"
Hanabi Eight-Trigrams him into the neighboring mountain in response, before throwing her jacket over her shoulder and stalking off.
"That, my friend, is the Itachi of the Hyuuga clan," Moegi dutifully informs Naruto's corpse. "And she would have been the Mikasa of this series... had her Shippuuden design ever made it to the manga."
Actually, scratch that. Kishimoto better lay his hand off Hanabi before he ruins her too.
"So... am I with Naruto-kun yet?" Hinata sighs, drumming her fingers.
Will Hinata end up with Naruto? Will the audience see any their beloved characters escape the Infinite Tsukuyomi? Will Kishimoto even remember his other characters... or plot... or lesson... or anything?
Most importantly, will Sasuke ever explain why he wears a purple skirt?
Tune in for the next chapter of Naruto! You still got four chapters left!
(And a movie.)
(Sasuke, I'm counting on you. Just explain the purple skirt, and fuck everything else, this fanfiction author will get closure. Because seriously, we all know Orochimaru long stopped making your wardrobe choices, and don't give me any of that skirt-is-more-comfy-than-pants argument, since you're wearing damn pants under it, so what the fuck is the purpose of the skirt! AGdsfdh-!)