*I dont own anything... Just some thoughts Ive been having from Season 4. So many Feels.
Hope you enjoy...**
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."-The Fault In Our Stars
Mellie Grant laid on top of her sons grave. Her hand stroked the grass and her eyes were clenched. She had done this every day since they had laid Jerry to rest. Every day she had not been able to get out of her bathrobe. Every day she could no longer pretend she was fine, numb and fine were no longer the same. The sun was warm across her face. Sunny days seemed to hurt the most. She felt a fresh pool of tears stream down her face along with the now familiar ache in her chest. Fitz was waiting in the limo for her. She preferred to be alone any way. There was nothing he was going to say to make any of this easier. Lord knows he kept trying. She appreciated his small moments of kindness lately but the reason behind them made her sick to her stomach. She sees the looks he gives her, the pity, the heartbreak that mirrors her own. He wills her to get dressed, get better, be her old self.
Mellie is sure that person no longer exists. She can't do it. Too much has happened. Too much has come to light. Too many years…the guilt, the pain, is crushing her.
It's once again hard to breathe. Mellie opened her eyes and sat up quickly trying to take a deep breath. She's getting use to moments like this, Moments where all the air is knocked out of her and she gasps for breath. She catches her breath but it is met with heaviness on her chest. She has moments, more than she would like to admit where she hopes she doesn't catch her breath, she hopes her pain just swallows her up already and puts her out of her misery. Then she feels more guilt for thinking that. Death would be the easy way out. She shouldn't get the easy way, she thinks she should have to suffer every single day for the rest of her life for all she has done. She suffered in silence for 15 years. She pushed her own son away for 15 years. She was afraid of what he might be a product of and it's as if it only occurred to her after his death that he was always half of her.
The night Big Jerry raped her a part of her died. She sucked it up, she did her job she played the good wife and mother.
It was all a lie. They never had a chance. Fitz was right. They never had a chance to be a happy family. Her children never knew what it feels like to have parents that love each other, a happy family. She stole that from them. Big Jerry stole that from her.
She let her husband walk away from her. She let her husband fall in love with Olivia Pope. She let herself continue to be humiliated. She stopped fighting. For years she was just in survival mode. She had the big picture in mind. She convinced herself Olivia was temporary, a means to an end. Mellie thought if she could just keep pushing on one day it would all come back together. Fitz and Mellie would be able to fix what was broken, they would become the partners they once were. All she has been through would have meant something. It had to mean something. It didn't.
Mellie struggled to get through every day. Nothing seemed important to her anymore. Certainly not being the put together First Lady. She didn't care, she made it clear. She couldn't do it anymore and there was a relief in that. Strolling the White House in her pajamas gave her a freedom she hadn't felt in years. It was the one thing she could control right now as her life spiraled out of control.
As she sat on the balcony of their residence she laughed as she listened to Fitz try to talk her into going to the State of the Union Address. She made it clear she gives not a single fuck as to what he or the American people think of her right now. Madam first Crazy was on every headline across the world. She didn't care. She couldn't care, she just feels nothing. Numb.
Later that day the words of Abby Wheelen rang through her head. If Jackie Kennedy could do what she did, Mellie could put on a dress and show the American people that the Grants may be devastated but they have not forgotten them. They needed to see that Mellie and Fitz were ok whether or not it was the truth.
She couldn't believe Abby had actually been the one to get through to her. She couldn't believe she was actually considering doing this. She wanted to be done pretending, but Abby was right, this was her job. This is what she had become so good at all these years.
She felt sick to her stomach. She had no idea why she felt so nervous. She had not cared for months. She adjusted her pearls and took a deep breath before entering the oval.
"I was going to wear blue but I heard the Elliot's were wearing blue, so I decided to go with red." She said to Fitz, her nerves evident in her voice. Fitz turned to face her when he heard her voice tremble. He smiled warmly as he walked over to her.
"You look beautiful." He said softly. She nervously fumbled with her hands before he took them into his to steady them.
"Thank you so much." He added as he took one of his hands and cupped her face.
They stared at each other a moment and he leaned in to kiss her forehead.
"Are you ready? Feel good about your speech?" Mellie asked breaking away from him, attempting to step back into character as supportive First Lady.
"I think so… I'm never sure." He confessed. She took a deep breath.
"You will be great. You can do this." The words were harder to say. She was out of practice.
"Thanks, I couldn't do it with out you there with me… Its you and me" Fitz smiled as he reached out to take her hand to lead her to the cars. Her chest felt heavy again. She tried again to catch her labored breath as she followed dutifully behind her husband.
She smiled and waived. She shook hands, and listened to people over and over again express their condolences. She was loosing it. She could feel it. She turned to her secret service agent and said "Get me out of here."
Mellie waited in the limo for Fitz to come out. She could feel the tightness in her chest come back. She begged herself over and over to keep it together. She would be back in the residence soon. She needed to get out of that dress and into her sweats. Back into her comfort zone.
Fitz got into the limo and she could see a light ignited within him. She would see he was living off the adrenalin of his speech and everyone's reaction to it. He seemed different.
She was jealous.
"Hey Baby, how are you doing?" he smiled reaching out for her hand.
"I'm fine" she pulled her hand away and looked out the window as they headed back to the White House.
"What did you think?" He asked.
"I think you used our sons death to win votes on gun control…Im sure it will work."
"Mellie, people know we are grieving they weren't going to focus on the speech unless I addressed it." He said matter of factly. It was in that moment that she knew he hadn't come up with that idea on his own.
" We?... don't you mean me?" she said softly while still looking out the window.
"What?" he asked.
"America thinks I'm crazy. I'm the one they photographed eating chips on my sons grave. You are fine. You are all better. You are the president and I am…." She didn't finish her sentence. She couldn't, a lump appeared in her throat. Broken, that's how she felt.
"Honey, you have been through so much, we have been through so much…" The limo stopped and Mellie stepped out before Fitz could continue.
Everything was spinning. His words. His speech. The well meaning people that offered their condolences. Her dress, her heels, her pearls, her pantyhose. All constricting her.
She was walking towards the residence. Replaying all the words.
"My son is dead."
"It was a fluke."
"A freak accident."
"My lovely, amazingly strong wife…"
"How many more children have to die…"
"Madam First Crazy"
"Mrs. Grant so good to see you up and looking well…"
She felt like she was going to pass out. Her steps to her bedroom were slow and calculated. She willed herself to keep walking after her knees buckled.
"I'm fine." She said to the secret service agent.
She was undone. She couldn't breathe. The pearls around her neck felt like a vice gripping her. A symbol of everything she no longer had the strength to be.
Her chest was tighter than ever, her stomach hurt, she was gasping for air.
She collapsed to her knees amongst her string of broken pearls.
"Leave me be" she sobbed.
She felt Fitz's arms on her. She hadn't heard him. He pushed her hair from her face as he repeatedly told her he was sorry.
She was sobbing, from the depths of her soul. It had been a while since she let herself cry, or feel. It was all too much. The sounds that came out of her were sounds she had never let herself release. The price of a free and fair election, the price of the life they lead had cost too much. How the fuck did she get here. She was grieving, that was obvious, but she was grieving so much more than the tragic loss of her son. It all was hitting her at once. Fifteen years of holding it together. Fifteen years of heartache and disappointments had finally taken its toll. Fifteen years of repressed feelings seemed to have resurfaced as she lay in the fetal position in the shadow of former first ladies. It was too much. She thought she could do it. Step back into the role for at least one night. Wave, smile, play the part. It was too much. She was not ready.
She was gone, she couldn't gain control. Fitz laid on the floor next to her holding her tight as she yelled out.
" I Can't!" she said in between sobs.
"Baby I'm here.. let it out, its ok I'm here" Fitz said as his voice cracked with his own tears. If only he had always been there.
"FITZ! ….I ….It HURTS!" she bellowed.
"Shhhh its ok, its ok. I know it does baby, I know."
She started to pull at the top of her dress trying to rip it like she had her pearls.
"Come on, lets get you inside…" he said sitting up.
She didn't respond just continued to cry.
He lifted her up carried her into their bedroom as she sobbed into his chest.
He sat her on the bed as she continued to pull at her dress.
He reached over and unzipped it and helped her as she tore it off.
She struggled for breath as she was tearing off her pantyhose leaving her in her black bra and panties. Fitz pulled back the comforter as she buried her face in her hands.
" I need it to stop... Fitz … make it stop!" she begged. He looked at her and his heart truly broke. He would do anything in this moment to stop her pain if he could.
"Mel…I am so sorry" he said as he wrapped her in his arms. She clung to him tightly as if her life depended on it. She lifted her head as her sobs eased, looking him in the eye.
"Fitz, make it stop, make the pain stop... it has to stop" she begged.
He captured her lips with his. She cupped his face with her hands as she returned his kiss forcefully. She began pulling at his suit and undressing him. His hands held her body close as he continued to kiss her. She would pull away to let out a sigh as she tried to gain her composure. She unzipped his pants as she pushed herself on top of him. It was rushed, eager and necessary. As he entered her she let out a sob. She held him tight as they found their rhythm. Mellie looked up and her eyes met with Fitz's
She wasn't sure what she saw in them, pity? Compassion? Love?
It was familiar. It was home. She hated herself for doing this but quickly forgot as her body tightened in climax.
Fitz removed himself from on top of her and they both lay staring at ceiling.
Before she could process all that had happened Fitz reached out for her left hand. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it right by her wedding rings. Her heart hurt.
Mellie turned her back to him and curled up on her side. She was use to sex being quick, angry. They would turn over and go to sleep, until the next time he was missing Olivia and settled for Mellie. She felt his chest press against her back as his arm pulled her closer to him. She tensed up at first, this wasn't part of the routine. Her head was pounding from her episode. Fitz removed the clip from her hair as he kissed the back of her neck.
"Mellie, I am so sorry for asking you to come tonight. I want you to take whatever time you need…." He said clasping their hands together next to her stomach.
Mellie was going to speak but nothing came out.
"I need you to know…I am not fine. I am not all better….I hurt every day." He said softly into her hair.
She turned around to face him wrapping her arms around him. His eyes were sad. She could only imagine how she looked right now. She took a deep breath as she continued to look into his eyes.
"I'm sorry." He said again. Mellie kissed him softly. She couldn't speak. She didn't know what to say. Fitz returned her kiss as his hands roamed her body. He loved her body. He always had. He had spent so many years hating her that he had forgotten to notice just how stunning she was. Even now, broken, with mascara running, she was beautiful.
Mellie reached down and stimulated his manhood as he left kisses across her neck.
Mellie climbed on top of him as she left a trail of kissed across his chest. It was slower this time. Softer. They took their time for the first time in years. They looked each other in the eyes and for the first time in a long time saw each other. They were actually making love. Neither knew if this would change anything, most likely things would be the same in the morning. At the moment they didn't care. For one night, they were connected on many levels. Despite their brokenness for a brief moment in time it felt like it use to feel. In the beginning, before they were President and First Lady. Before they were Governor and Mrs. Grant, before Mr and Mrs. They use to be partners. They use to be in love. They use to be happy.
They laid naked wrapped in each others arms as sleep washed over them.
Both dreaming of the Fitz and Mellie they were when they first met…..
*Not sure but I am thinking of continuing in the past. Melitz when they first were dating/married etc.
let me know what you think.