Disclaimer-

I don't own LOTR. Nor do I claim to so If you could not sue me that'd be great.

This is supposed to be a parody,I'm not trying to annoy any LOTR fans.

Rated mostly for bad language.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1-

"Ahhhh young hobbit, you crave adventure" the old wizard said in a mystical voice, you could practically hear his eyes twinkling, it was just one of those things.

"No", the hobbit answered, sounding puzzled, "I crave cake", he looked up "I like cake, cake is great."

"So this adventure you crave..." the wizard replied, (after muttering "bloody hobbits" under his breath). "...I have a quest you must under take young Dodo, it is perilous and fraught with danger and peril and orcs... did I mention the peril?"

"But", Dodo tried to inject before being interrupted by the wizard.

"SO for your quest you must journey to the perilous mount doom and destroy the fabled bracelet and matching earrings of power, we should journey to the ancient house of somethingorother, where your fellowship will be chosen. But, as I can't be bothered, here's a bunch of freaks that answered the want add I put in the paper: your adoring, slightly gay gardener Pam, two distant relatives who are really the same character, the heroic, rightful heir to some throne, and a dwarf and a elf who hate each other at first but will grow close, in a seemingly platonic way."

"Hi" said Pam

Dodo looked at the unusual fellowship that had just trotted, walked, swaggered and pranced into his living room.

"Oh and the human who will betray you" the wizard remembered.

The human made a grab for Dodo, which disappointed Pam as he was going to.

"Give me that bracelet and those matching earrings", he cried, just before a hail of arrows flew through the window and hit him in the chest'

"What the hell!" Dodo asked, shocked.

"Ahhh" the wizard replied wisely,' "narrative convention".

Dodo attempted to remove the arrow from his fallen comrade, but recoiled in pain.

Grandalf gasped at the splinter in Dodo's finger. "You have been injured by a dark and evil weapon, we can remove the splinter but the pain from the wound will never truly leave you."

"Bollocks" Dodo muttered.

Pam looked up, "I could give him a sponge bath," he said hopefully.

Dodo looked fearful "That won't be necessary Pam," he replied

"He's so brave" Pam breathed.

The tall elf, flicked his platinum blonde hair like a shampoo model, batted his eyelashes, and pouted. All women in a five-mile radius automatically swooned. The dwarf stood sneering at him from near Dodo's TV.

"I hate elves", the dwarf announced.

"And I hate dwarves" the elf replied. They glared at each other, keeping eye contact for a suspiciously long time. A fly that buzzed into the space between the two spontaneously combusted.

"I think I heard a noise" Blondelas the elf said breathlessly, not taking his eyes off Gimi the dwarf. "I'll go check on it". With that he left, swinging his hips far more than was necessary.

"I'll help" Gimi squeaked and rushed off after the elf...

They emerged back 30 minutes later with gimi's trousers on backwards and Blondelas's shirt buttoned wrong.

"Can I finish my story now?" the wizard asked testily.

"As I was saying..."the wizard continued.

"Can I just interrupt for a second Grandalf", Dodo asked. The wizard just glared at the hobbit as he continued

"Well you are a wise and powerful wizard aren't you?"

"Yes" Grandalf replied, not liking where this was going.

"You have journeyed far and wide?"

"Yes"

"You have connections?"

"Yes"

"You know every secret passage way between here and where ever the hell your makeing me go?"

"Yes"

"AND you own a very fast horse?"

"And?"

"So...why the hell can't you destroy the bloody things!" Dodo said "And don't give me that I'd be tempted bullshit, because my uncle had these things for years an you could have just kicked his ass and nicked them or got him to sell them to you, or something."

"Listen", Grandalf growled. "You are going on this journey fraught with unimaginable dangers, you will face hardships you can't even dream of and monsters worse than those from your nightmares. You will risk your lives, you will suffer, you will forge deep bonds and," the wizard glanced at Pam who was listening to boy zone on his Walkman. "You will see each other in new lights, and I will be there, watching"

He looked around. "I will make notes and write a book, it'll sell better than 'Grandalf's 1001 uses for old shoes'. Then I'll turn the book into a film and make millions...mwahahaha etc."

"Ok I'm confused" said Walker. "The shoe book or the other book?"

"Shut up and get going, take the number 9 bus to the middle of the forest and go see that jumped up tart Gallllllllllllllladrielll."

Then they were kicked out of Dodo's house and did as they were told.

Thus they're journey began.