"I'm fine", she whispered into the dent of his neck as she quickly pulled away from the hug. He didn't believe her, he couldn't. He knew too much, knew her too well. He knew enough to shut up, and let her fill him in on the case. "Sh... She just bled out. Carotid artery." She spoke with tears in her eyes and a crackle in her whisper. He wanted so badly to comfort her, to shield her from the world in his arms. Keep her there.
She digs her head into her hands for a second, and begins to walk away. "I need some fresh air", she says. He knows way better, but he decides to follow her.
She's in the squad car, crying harder than he had ever seen her. For this moment in time, Olivia Benson was broken.
"Liv." He taps on the car window; she lets him in without thought.
" I'm okay. Or at least I will be s..s.." She breaks into sobs again. This time, he pulls her into a hug and strokes her hair, she caresses his neck, like they belong to each other. "Shh, Shh." How in the world could he help her? How could he show her how much he loved her? Unless…
" Liv, look at me." He picks up her head with his hands. They were warm and welcoming, she noticed. Her eyes meet his. This is a horrible idea... But he needs to. They both need it.
You and this job are about the only things I've got anymore.
He pulls her face into his, and kisses her. Passionately, because he meant it. Olivia doesn't intend on pulling away. She melted in his mouth, he melted in hers. They were completely in sync, as always. Their tongues meet, their lips meld together. Slowly at first, then faster, with mind-numbing intensity. They thrust in the back seat, their knees weak.
She finally separates herself from the lock, even though she didn't want to. She wanted to stay in this moment forever. This is where she belonged. In his arms, in his mouth.
He belonged inside of her, he knew this. They both did. He holds back a spout of resentment form Liv's resistance long enough to hear her. His eyes never meet hers. They're engaged on her lips, the beautiful aftertaste of Olivia.
She brings her gaze to look straight. The car still parked, yet she felt as if she was speeding. Her fingers touched her lips softly, as if they would break. She could still feel the slight moisture, his moisture, on her lips. She couldn't look at him, not just yet, she didn't want to think about it yet. Her hand moves to the steering wheel, she strokes it, trying to pretend that he isn't still in the car with her. Her bottom lip tucks in between her teeth and she turns on the car, right before she steps out of it.
"God what the fuck did I do." He thinks to himself when he sees her exit her seat. He knows what she wants to do, she wants to walk away and forget, but her actions say otherwise. It's as if she's fighting herself and losing. He gets out of the car in an effort to stop her, until he sees her move towards him, her eyes still focused on everything but him.
"Take me home El." She says, she doesn't ask, she never has. He moves and allows her to sit in the passenger seat. He can't help but smile at the fact that even when she's vulnerable, she pretends she's in control. She knows he sees right through her, but she's badass Benson and she won't give him the pleasure of being real with him, being human. And it's all he's ever wanted from her.
He gets in the driver's seat and the car already knows its way. He's driven her there so many times, but this time it's almost nerve wrecking. Usually, they are so in sync he can feel, he can think, everything she feels, everything she thinks, what she's going to do. This time, he has no fucking clue. He's scared shitless to lose her, but he would never admit it. They never admit anything, they're not supposed to feel, and it's all they really need. She says nothing the whole ride. It's like they're both thinking about not knowing, maybe they're still in sync after all.
The car pulls up to her apartment, he's not going up there. He doesn't want her to run away, he doesn't want, more like can't afford, to lose her. He lets out a sigh, because he has no idea what to say. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but she reaches over. She turns the car off and takes the keys out of the ignition before putting them in her pocket.
"Let's go, now." She says, again, she doesn't ask. She never has to.
He complies without knowing, he won't think, he swears he won't think anything. He'll just give her whatever she needs, as long as she stays.
She attempts to open her door, but her hands are still shaky, and she has no idea what she's going to do behind closed doors, but she knows it will be something to make her forget. Alcohol crosses her mind, so does sleep, but then she sees his hand reach for hers and hold it steady as he opens the door. Now she knows exactly what she's going to do.
He lets her in first and follows behind, throwing the keys on the counter as he closes her door. God knows nothing prepared him for this, not even the fucking Marines.
She shoves him against the door and grips his biceps so hard, he knows she's gonna leave a mark. She tears her coat off and practically rips his as she pushes it off his shoulders. She presses herself into him as far as she possibly can without breaking him. "It's not fair." She gasps as she scrapes her teeth lightly and harshly over his jaw. "Nothing is fair." She whispers as she undoes his belt. "Fuck me, 'cause everything else seems to be doing just that." She tells him, and her voice cracks. He feels like a bastard, but he'll do whatever she wants. He brings his hands to undo her buttons, but she moves his hands away. "No damnit, I'm running this." She all but growls into his neck before sinking her teeth into his shoulder, and he's never felt a better pain. His member is beyond the point of hard, beyond stone, beyond anything it can handle at this point. He groans, because he thought he knew her, and how she would be in bed, but now he has no idea how this will play out, he has no idea what she's capable of.
He needs her now, and she knows, oh of course she knows, and that's exactly why she won't give herself to him now, because she needs control. He needs her, he's screwed now.
She rips his shirt open with one hand, and whips his belt out with the other. She throws them both onto a pile, not caring where they land.
She never expected their first time like this, most wouldn't call this making love, but this is them, it's the only they can make. She rakes her fingernails over his chest, digging and leaving a trail of pink flesh.
She marks her territory with her nails, her teeth, and her tongue. Anything and everything she can use. She still hasn't looked into his eyes, she can't. She takes off her own shirt, undoes her own belt, and kicks off her shoes then lungs them towards the floor. He toes off his shoes without her noticing, and when she does, she gets angry.
"No, stop it, It's all me." She says it as she tugs his pant down and kicks them to the side. She brings her hands to his inner thighs and strokes her way up, treacherously teasing him. She hears him moan in frustration and she smiles when she sees she's winning. She palms his hardness in her hand while sucking furiously on his chest. He kisses her forehead and she makes the mistake of looking up. Their eyes meet, and she can't. She can't hurt him; she can't turn this into a "Forget this" Fuck.
"Olivia, I need you." He says, and kisses her temple.
All she can do is nod as she wraps her arms around his neck and falls into his arms. He guides them backwards towards her bed. She trusts him, she always has, she's just never known how much. She feels her knees hit the bed, but she doesn't move. He lays her down slowly and her teary eyes stare at him, pleading for him to make her forget, she's not asking him to fuck her senseless, she's asking him to make her feel again.
He removes her pants slowly, and she tilts her hips upwards to help him in the process.
And damn the world, Olivia Benson is a goddess.
Her body makes him ache with need. He can feel the erratic throbbing in his erection. She's so breathtakingly beautiful. He doesn't want to break her, he knows he can't do it the way he always does. He needs to make her understand, more importantly, he needs to make her feel.
His fingers caress her cheek and she doesn't even blink. His mouth finds hers and he kisses her slowly but hungrily. She mimics his every movement, his lips, his tongue. He moves his mouth to her jaw, leaving a trail of hot kisses in its path, and Olivia almost smiles in response. His silky lips nibble at her perfect shoulders, and he can smell her perfume, and he loses focus for a minute, she has that effect, she can make everything stop, she's Olivia. Her fingers thread in his hair, lightly stroking the short strands. She tilts her head to allow him better access.
He brings his mouth to kiss her neck, sucking gently at first, but he feels her push his head onto her, so he sucks until he's sure he's left a mark. She's starting to respond, because she realizes, she needs him too. She moves down slightly to kiss him, and their lips meld together in a way that's almost, holy. She's never been religious, but she thanks God silently for this, for giving her what she's needed for 12 years.
His hands roam all over her body, feeling her entirely, making sure she's real. He kisses her collarbone, her chest, and embraces her full breasts and is met with an obstacle. She reaches behind her before he does and undoes the clasp. He tugs the straps down her arms and throws her bra on the floor. He kisses each breast what seems like 100 times to Olivia before he swipes his finger over her left nipple, and caresses the other his lips. Olivia arches in pleasure and lets out a gasp.
He lowers his mouth onto her and sucks gently while rolling the other nipple between his forefinger and thumb. Olivia all but screams in ecstasy, she pushes her chest harder into his mouth. He sucks harder this time and slightly pinches the other nipple. She lets a sharp gasp escape her lips.
"Oh God El, more." The sound comes from deep in her throat, and it's almost enough to make him come right there. He gives the same attention to her other breast, and she feels like she won't be able to take anymore.
She's close, he knows it, so he hooks his fingers under the waistband of her underwear. He looks at her just to be sure it's what she wants. She looks at him and gives him a nod; she hasn't closed her eyes not once.
He pulls her underwear down her amazingly toned legs. He holds himself at her entrance and locks her gaze with his. The first thrust is slow, and she moans softly. He can feel her stretching, adjusting to his size. She unbelievably tight, his late-night fantasies never compared to this. She was unfathomable. She bucks her hips against him, trying to get him as deep inside her as she can. He thrust again, faster this time, creating a rhythm that falls in time with her gasps and moans. They thrust together greedily, and he feels her roll her hips against him. It causes him to close his eyes and throw his head back in pleasure. She just stares at him with a smug look of accomplishment.
He flicks his thumb over the bundle of nerves in her center, he feels her wall tighten slightly around him. Now she's really close. He rolls his thumb over it two more times and she contracts furiously around him. She comes hard, her orgasm rips through her causing her to shudder as she digs her nails furiously into the crevices of his back. She screams his name and wraps her strong legs around his waist. He comes in trail right behind her. Pumping his hips roughly and deep into her. She feels him fill her completely, warm and wet.
He collapses on top of her still chanting her name in a sexual high. She moves slightly from under him so that he is next to her.
She exhales, "Thanks El."
"Liv, you're amazing." He looks straight at her, but she's not looking at him. He cradles her face in one hand and kisses her softly, in contrast to their movements only moments before. Their tongues don't even meet. They stay there for a long time, tasting each other's lips between breaths. They break apart and he pulls the covers over them. Her head lays on his chest, and his hand caresses her shoulder while he plants soft kisses on the top of her head. It's perfect, he thinks. They fit together like a zippered prayer of intertwined hands. But then,
He feels a drop of water on his chest. Is she crying? She can't be.
He looks at her and she lets out a single sob to match a single salty tear against his chest.
"Everybody's fucking leaving." She says sadly between gritted teeth.
He tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear and whispers,
"I'm not going anywhere Olivia," Holding her closer as he says it.
She props herself up on her elbow, looking at him with teary eyes.
"I know you're not El…" She says. He's confused, because she's getting off the bed.
"But I am." She walked away, because it's all she knows to do.
She's Olivia Benson.