"Gran Mag…"
Summary: Utterly for fun…Sheldon is in deep, deep trouble…From certain povs…When Amy's older sister blows…Into town…For Halloween and their engagement party…
Helps if you look up the wonderous Charlotte Gainsbourg…And one of the better pics of the equally wonderous Maggie Hamilton…
Being archived, with the usual additional pics and music at my Buffy Rebecca verse, under the "Sheldonverse" heading...A Granny (Gran) Mag video is available there...
Part I…
Apartment of Sheldon Cooper and Leonard Hofstadter, two of America's greatest physicists…There being no doubt as to the superior of the two, but for ease of recognition, I have named them on the basis of eminence…
"Sheldon…" sighing voice of Amy Farrah Fowler, newly engaged bride-to-be of…She of the raven's haired, brown-eyed beauty, currently ravishingly enhanced by her choice of seasonal costume, namely…The Wicked Witch of the West, minus, for the moment, her pointy bonnet…
"Present…" Pardon the interruption of the description of the rapturous Dr. Fowler, gentle reader, but as you may, depending on your intellectual status, have or with multiple cues and extended time, will eventually surmise(d)…I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, your narrator, have been forced to desist momentarily from my…Narration…By my beloved's insistent pleas that I emerge from the sanctuary of my bedroom to join her in the greater world…
"Sheldon, please come on out…" pause… "I've donned my costume for your benefit…And judging by the heightened breathing and crimsoning flush of our male friends here, its sexy slinkiness is beyond question…"
You may ask, gentle reader, how any mortal man could resist such temptation as the sinuous delight of the good doctor (of Neurobiology, but I try to overlook such things…Love does that…) Fowler's body enrapt in the black silkiness of a costume surely designed to lead mere men to destruction…But, if you but knew Sheldon Cooper…You would understand that he is no mere mortal man…But why you may ask, even granted the iron will and steely-eyed resistance to all temptations of the flesh that is so characteristic of me, should I choose to refrain from such joyful delight?…Surely delight which I might feel privileged to…Delight…in, given our upcoming nuptials, shortly to be heralded by that quaint traditional celebration, the engagement party…Not so well established as the more famous "bridal shower", or that twisted perversity so much a staple of film and television, the "bachelor party"…Yet famed in its own turn…Well, I shall make it plain to you… Allowing you, gentle friend, to as it were, delve into that bottomless pool that is my nature…
"Sheldon, is this still about my sister?..." Amy's voice, like the celestial chimes of some grand Gothic catherdral's…Chimes…Twinkling softly about the room…Fading only gradually into little electric sparkles of transitory joy…
Catch them, gentle one…While I tend to the matters which have brought us to this pass…With the hope that you shall not only be amused and entertained but enlightened by the unfolding tale I mean to tell…
"No…" my succinct reply… Though in fact, I must admit to my shame it was indeed with regard to her said sister…Her older sister…Charlotte Magdalena Fowler…Medical doctor, well-known author on subjects I cannot regard as worthy of my attention but certainly you may of yours…
Vixen from Hades…The nemesis of my existence…An enemy even more deadly to me than even the loathsome Brent Spinner…Formerly portrayer of the Mr. Data character on Star Trek:The Next Generation…
Since he opened my "Wil Wheaton" action figure box…Pond scum…
"Sheldon…" the rather nasal whine of my current roommate and occasional scientific "sidekick"…For those lesser science projects where comic relief is both possible and a joy…Leonard Hofstadter… "Will you please come out?...Amy's getting nervous…"
"And is dangerously alluring to all men within sight of her…" Amy added… "So come and defend your claim, intended one…"
Tempting, indeed…But, Sheldon Cooper is proof against all charms, even that of the siren-like sexuality of Amy Farrah Fowler…
"Sheldon, for God's sake…This is to plan your own engagement party…" Leonard, indulging in one of his usual pathetic whinings against the world in general and our group in particular, which somehow always seem come round to his sad inability to appreciate all that I have done for him…
A sad case, I agree…But whereas normally I shoulder my burden with gentle humility and aplomb…The soul of compromise and discretion…Today…This day…I must make a stand…Opposing my inflexible will contrary to my usual gentle bending with the winds of public desire…
For the sake not only of my own self-respect and personal integrity but…My beloved…
Who must not…Must never know…
My secret shame…The burden of which I must carry…As I do so many of Humanity's and my fellow…Humans…On my slight but manly shoulders…
"Can't…" I keep it curt and to the point, as always…
Steve Mc Queen had nothing on me…
"Why not?... " Dr. Hofstadter's admittedly reasonable reply, delivered in his folksy, mildly sarcastic manner…
"Sick…" my clever reply… "Go on without me…"
A brilliant defusing of the confrontation…And containing enough of my usual noble self-sacrificing nature as to seem perfectly natural…
Hofstadter, despite his demonstrated inability to match my level, choosing to play me in a potentially deadly game of mental chess… "No, you're not sick…Sheldon…Stop being a baby…You're hurting Amy's feelings…"
"Which feelings would normally be content to dive under the nearest approaching truck for you, Moon-pie…" Amy called… "But today…With so much going on…I am a bit over-frazzled…And must confess to some degree of hurt…In fact, rather a world so…"
Strength, Cooper…The gentle fortitude that won you so many awards and honors during your brief, yet incredibly distinguished career…
A clever reply necessary, I leapt to the occasion…Like the panther only more so…
"I said I'm sick…Go on without me…"
"Well, that's one way to begin the process of terminating this fiasco…" Leonard reflected…
A pedantic combination of the brutal cruelty which but for the occasional withdrawing of my radiant and generous personality would be swiftly known throughout the physical as well as the truer world of physics with, well…Pedantry…
My lion-souled mate sprang to her full height at the hint of any threat to our relationship…You may question, gentle reader, whether I made use of the fabled "poetic license" at this point to give a verbal picture of the image in Amy currently in my mind…But I deny such…
There's a wireless web cam hidden in a secret recess in our living room…To which I maintain full if confidential access…Providing an all too often essential bit of undeniable evidence as it now did here…
Not to mention a graceful image of such transitory beauty in the aforementioned Dr. Fowler in her costumed voluptuousness to be stored for future generations…Specifically any offspring…
Pardon a momentary mental freeze-up, accompanied by a slight gasp at such a word…
…We may one day have…
"Leonard…" growl of her fierce rage…A lioness in defense of those she, quite rightly, adores…
"Sorry…But he's gotta come out…Sheldon, you gotta come out…"
Note the restating of the phrase…A typical habit with Hofstadter…Usually involving the most obvious of banalities…As in "you gotta get out of the rain…It's raining…"
God, but for my diligent care and nurturing where would the man-child that he is, be…?
And with that come in the other members of our merry band of supergenius and minions…Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, astrophysicist, and Howard, an engineer…The engineer's would be mate, Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski, Ph.D…And Penny, a waitress living across the hallway from us who for some unknown reason continually interferes in our lives…
Possibly due to her sexual hold on the unfortunate and sadly undisciplined Hofstadter…Who continues to pine for a resumption of coitus with her despite the failure of their previous relationship…
But I digress…This merry band of my minions, eager to have the joy of my company, joins Hofstadter and my divine Amy in attempting to persuade me to depart my fortress of solitude…
In vain, of course…Despite a surprisingly clever effort by the aforementioned Penny who combines a complete lack of scientific understanding with a remarkably perceptive emotional nature…Appealing not only directly to my one vulnerability…My ever-deepening adoration for Dr. Fowler…But to my heralded combatively protective nature…
"Sheldon…You can't leave Amy with Charlotte…She needs you to help her deal…Come on, Sheldon…"
But in this case…Sigh…Of the deepest and most profound regret…I cannot allow such a confrontation…
Were my beloved to learn the hideous truth…Our lives and our future…
Pitsville…Even, to make a terrifyingly hellish urban metaphor…
Pittsburgh…
"Speaking of which…" Amy sighed…Pulling cell phone…
I know that cause I have a web cam in the living room…You ought to remember that as well as other details…There will be a quiz later…
"Hello Charlotte…Yes…We are all here…Uh, a moment…Sheldon?...My sister wants to talk to you…"
The horror!...Sooner than I'd imagined it…
"Sick…" I reply… "Can't talk…" Brilliantly portraying the role of a man stricken suddenly with severe pharynx disorder…
"Charlotte, he can't talk right now…What is it?...I see…I'll ask…Sheldon?...Can you take my sister for her bridal fitting tomorrow, she'll want a chaperone…Plus she wants to discuss affairs…"
Oh…My…God…
That word…That awful word…
She wants to discuss…
Affairs…
And therein, gentle reader, you see my dilemma…Yes, I…Humble and lovable Sheldon Cooper, benevolent benefactor of all Mankind by the radiance of his genius…Am…
Sought…Even…I foresee…
Fought for…
By two women of dazzling beauty…Genius level intellect, despite their wasted careers…And based on my experiences with my own sinfully sweet neural gal…Fabulous sexual agility…
By sisters…For yes…And I hope you have arrived at the proper mental destination…
Charlotte has the hots for me…
My future sister-in-law, crazed with lust for me…Back in Texas, where I spawned from…She'd be my cousin…
And should her passion come to the ears of her sister, as she…In her vengeful unrequitedness has threatened…
Hell to pay in the form of a madly jealous wildcat named Amy Farrah Fowler…
Yes, Charlotte has not only put the moves on me in corners hidden from prying eyes…She's made it clear she plans to counter my staunch rejection with bitter betrayal of her sister's trust…
Trust in me, that is…Amy told me right from the start Charlotte goes for any man attached to any woman she knows…And that I could be sure I being her beau would be like catnip to…Well, a cat…
Though, clever French-educated and medically trained lynx, she is…The scheming Charlotte has so far managed to soothe her poor sister's instinctual and justified suspicions…
And while yours truly is proof against all illicit temptation…And proven himself in the early encounters…
Dodging Charlotte's determined grabs in the movie theater…Including an attempt to drag me bodily into the ladies room…For purposes you should not even attempt to imagine…But, knowing her sister's skills, I can…
Avoiding her seductive efforts at dinner in the restaurants we all attended…Including the night of her arrival from that modern Sodom, Paris…When my kind but ill-advised effort to display proper brotherly affection was taken by her lewd and wicked nature to open the doors to far more sinister intent…Followed by her luring me to a private corner, ostensibly to discuss the wedding and the proper gift for her poor, trusting…Though not entirely as Amy fortunately heeded her natural suspicions and followed us…Sister…And then the next night…At the other restaurant…
An unfortunate choice of Penny's…Hofstadter foolishly presuming she as a waitress having some ability as a gourmand…
I naturally concealing my uncomfortableness at the poor cuisine, the miserably inept service, and the utterly unacceptable sanitary conditions…Why the condition of the spoons…
But I again, digress…
Charlotte, feigning gastric distress and that universal condition of those foolish enough to indulge in airline travel, "jet-lag"…Equally foolish term..Jet and lag?...Awaited my own departure for the restroom and pounced on me in the dark hallway…Proving to my unfortunate uvula that it was indeed the French who invented French kissing…Offering me sinful delights to be achieved in her hotel room later once her poor and trusting sister had departed for her own apartment and bed…
On my refusal…Her tone took on a decidedly evil connotation…She threatened to claim that I had instituted all contacts…That I had offered myself and made light of my sacred vows…Issuing a fiendish ultimatum…Either Cooper must put out…or be put down…
Lord, what is my fatal attraction for the beauties of the Fowler family?…
And so, hoping to somehow avoid this fiend…And her fiendish web of lust and deceit…I remain in my lair…Secure…Putting the full resources of my incredible intellect to bear on the problem…
All to protect my beloved…My poor, semi-trusting Amy…Who, eager to believe in her sister's affection after years of having her loving heart squashed by this evil harpy in nearly as hot form as her sister…
Steady, Cooper…But no, gentle reader…Fear not…For Charlotte, despite a inch or two's advantage in height and a false glamour bestowed by her years in the French capital, is as the moon rising at night to the sun of her sister's glorious dawn…
"Ok…" the beloved tinkling voice of my beloved… "Sheldon?...She's coming up to join us in a minute…You really should come out, please?...She's a doctor, you know…"
Oh, dear Lord…I have…In my emotionally unsettled condition, no doubt…Miscalculated…