Disclaimer: I own nothing, everything is S. M.s
Some things to know first:
In this story , my goal is to first focus on Bella, so Jacob won't be mentioned until the end of the second chapter.
Also, although there are several OCs in the first two chapters, only one will be in the rest of the story(I have a certain wolf, who I believe gets ignored way too much, who needs an imprint.) I don't like confusion and too many OCs does that.
And lastly, I don't hate Edward, you will see my thoughts on him in the later chapters.
Please be kind, this is my fisrt ! Oh also I'm looking for a beta anyone who wants to volunteer message me please.
CHAPTER ONE: BELLA'S DEPRESSION
Charlie doesn't know what to do with me. I don't blame him, I am so deep into my depression by now, that nothing to seemed to effect me. Happinesses, excitement, embarrassment. These were emotions of my past that I had no need for anymore, even sadness was beyond my reach. The only things I feel are pain and depression so deep it's like I was sucked into a black hole. The pain so strong it wrapped around my heart, physically making it ache, making me feel unable to breath.
I am just a statue n my room now, think about...him. "EDWARD! WHY?...it felt like I was screaming that out all the time, when literally it was a bear whisper on my lips.
I already knew the answer anyways. I was so plain. My hair at the moment limp and lifeless, my eyes sunken in. I am even paler now than I was back then Nothing like him, who was remarkably beautiful, literally inhumanly so. I was so lost without..so dead. How ironic.
Even as I heard the knock at the door. My eyes never moved from the space on the wall I was staring at.
Charlie's voice infiltrated the room. "Bella, look, I talked to your mother today. I was going to send you to live with her, in Florida.
My head jerked up at this.. "WHAT? NO, I'll..."
He held up his hand to interrupt me. "Bells let me finish. I can't just sit here an do nothing. I was going through some paperwork at work, you know the stuff they send me about resources and that kinda stuff. Well...I found a place, a ranch, in Montana. This place is for young girls who, as they put it, need to healing from situations out of their control. I gave them a call and talked to them a bit about you. They seem to think that they can really help you." He looked at me, like he was looking to see if I had comprehended.
Oh, I comprehended just fine. "So you want to send me to weird place, far away from here, where I get to talk to some loony SHRINK!'" my voice growing louder with each word, my breathing rapid. I felt so out of control.
"Geez Bells, cmon give this place a try! I've done EVERYTHING that I know how to do. Nothing phases you. This is the only option that I can see I have left. You may hate me now. And that's fine, I can deal with that, hell any emotion at this point I can deal with. What I can't deal with is this...shell of a person you have become, you don't even live anymore Bella." Charlie raised his voice at me, he never does that. I just kinda look at him with a stupor on my face.
Charlie sighed, "Anyways, I'm driving you up there in two weeks." With that he turned and left my room.
That night I cried myself to sleep and then, my tears followed me into my nightmares.
The next two weeks went by fast, too fast. I stayed in a zombie like trance while Charlie got me ready for the trip. I guess he had a list that he received from the camp of the items I would need. I just can't stand the fact that I'm leaving Edward behind. I had to be here if...no when, he came back.
" OK, Bells LET'S GO!" Charlie yelled from downstairs, interrupting my thoughts.
I lifted myself painfully from where I was laying on my bed and headed out the door with one final glance back.
We drove for hours, stopping only twice. After 13 hours we were finally there. We drove by the lake toward a drive that was surrounded by a fence. The sign on the gate read, su sendero, encontrará. I had no freaking clue what that meant.
The ranch was on the small side. There were 3 small cabins, and a larger building. There was also a trail that I could see that led to a stable with a few horses running around. As we drove closer, I saw two women waiting on the front porch. Charlie parked the car and motioned to get out of the car.
The to women waved as we walked up, the brunette was the one who moved forward to grasp my hand in a friendly handshake. "Hello Bella. We have been looking forward to meeting you, your dad had such wonderful things to say about you on the phone."
I snorted at that. "Yeah, I'm sure he told you exactly how I am." This was a joke.
"The blond, who quickly introduced herself as Jaycee, was quick to say, "Well Bella, I'll be honest. He did mention you were going through a really rough time right now, but he also said that you are hiding a selfless, generally happy person. You've just lost yourself right now is all."
I just looked at her. Who was she to say that I was lost? I knew exactly where I belonged. I belonged with him.
The brunette seeing my face conflicting with emotions interceded, "Bella my name is Liz. We aren't here to judge you or force you to do anything. We are here as, I guess you could say guides. We just help you realize and understand what you really already know. We just help you put the pieces of yourself together."
I just nodded and looked at the ground, if I just went along with whatever they say, then I can get out of here a lot quicker.
"OK! Bella, let's go get you settled." Jaycee grabbed one of my suitcases and motioned for me to grab the other. " You are going to be in cabin Wolf (haha couldn't resist.). There are 3 cabins the wolf, the bear, and the horse. The wolf stand for intelligence, cunning, friendliness, loyalty, and compassion. The bear wants peace, is powerful, and has a mothering nature. The horse is graceful, beautiful, and nobal and longs for freedom. We believe that all our girls possess characteristics from each house, but we place you where we sense you belong, and we haven't been wrong yet."
As she was talking we came to a cabin that had a wolf carved intricately into the door. Even I allowed a fleet moment of sheer amazement to come into my eyes, and Jaycee picked up on it.
"When me and my sister first started this place, an old Native American man traveled up here and carved them into the doors over night. When we woke up and saw them and him he just smiled and said we would need them. Thats how we got the ideas of the cabin placement in the first place." She smiled and opened the door, breaking my gaze from the carving.
Inside the cabin there were 3 sets of bunks. Jaycee sat my suitcase by the bottom bunk that was located on the right side of the room.
"Ok, I'll let you get settled in, the other girls will be here in a bit. Dinner will be served in the main cabin at 6:00. If you need anything head up in that direction or ask one of the girls." After that, Jaycee left me to myself. I looked around the room and saw that all the other bunks were full. Yay, more nut jobs like me, maybe we can all just talk all about ourselves and become the bestest friends, HA.
After unpacking and making my bed up, I saw I still had a few more hours until dinner, so I laid down a bit and took a nap.
I woke with a scream, another nightmare. I never can sleep with out one and it's really exhausting, whats more is it makes the ache in my heart worse, clenching tighter every time I see him in my dreams.
"Are you OK?" I squinted my eyes looking around for the person the voice belonged to.
A girl about my age, who looked to have an Indonesian background, was looking at me with worry all over her face.
"What, no, I'm fine, just a nightmare is all," I replied groggily. I sat up rubbing my eyes, trying to focus.
"Oh, ok if your sure. My name is Natalie, by the way. I'm guessing your Bella, my new bunk mate." Natalie smiled as she was introducing herself, she really did seem nice, and so..uncrazy.
"Well you guessed right! Guess I'm the new freak around here that everyone is talking about," whenever I said these words, I wished I could have taken them back. The pain in her eyes when I said freak made me feel guilty.
" Bella no one here is a freak, including yourself. We all just have a few rough problems that we need to work through. You'll see how it is after you've been on the ranch for a few days." Yeah, like that would happen. "Anyways, its about time for dinner, so you want to head up to the dining room with me?"
I shrugged. "Sure, why not."
Dinner was uneventful. The mess hall looked like a lunchroom, but at least the food was really good. Nat, which she insisted she be called, introduced me to the girls from our bunk and some from the other cabins. Everyone was actually pretty down to earth and no crazy people were in sight.
After dinner Jaycee caught up with me, holding a slip of paper in her hands. "Ok Bella, here is your schedule. Monday through Friday from 8 till noon, you have regular class. You will still graduate high school by May if you work hard enough. On Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, you have a meeting with Liz, she's one of the Psychiatrists around here, at 1 till 2:30. After that you have stable lessons for two hours. Tuesday and Thursday, after your classes, you have activity time with your cabin mates from 1 till 4. On Saturday, you have self defense from 1 to 2.
Was she crazy! Me, Bella the klutz, was expected to get on horses and do self defense and who knows what else? I voiced my concerns out loud to her.
Laughing she replied, "It's Ok kiddo, it's just for fun and no one is gonna judge you on your athletic ability. Besides, we do have a first aid nurse available often if you need one." Still laughing she walked off, leaving the printed schedule with me.
I just looked at it and sighed, I really see this all as just a waste of time. Nat was waiting for me at the door and asked to look at my schedule as soon as she saw me.
"Sweet! Our schedules are mostly alike. The only difference is the therapy times." She looked so excited, I felt sorry that there was no way I could be the fun person she most likely wanted to hang out with. All I wanted right now was to be home staring out my bedroom window waiting for Edward.
It took me a long time to fall asleep that night, I was lost in my thoughts, when I did sleep nightmares were waiting for me.
Dream Sequence
I was walking through the woods to the meadow, our meadow. The weather was perfect. The sun shining so brightly I'm sure Edward was sparkling so bright it might make me blind. After walking a few more step and tripping over tree roots, I could finally see him. So Beautiful, standing there, waiting for me.
As I got closer, I saw anger in his eyes. "Bella," he hissed at me, "why are you here? I told you that I didn't want you anymore, I don't love you."
His words brought tears to my eyes. "No, Edward you do love me! You're here in our meadow waiting on me!" My voice sounded so desperate.
A smirk crossed his face, " Waiting for you? I think not. No, I'm waiting on my mate, someone beautiful and eloquent, not some plain, bumbling child who stumbles where ever she goes."
My heart crashed down into my stomach, I reached out to him, but felt the ground underneath my cave in, I was falling. I called out to Edward, screaming his name, begging him to help me. He just stood there smiling watching me fall.
All of a sudden a monstrous wolf jumped over him into the darkness after me. I was so scared! The animal was huge and had a growl that sent chills up my spine, but wait. What's it doing?
The wolf grabbed me by the back of my shirt with its enormous jaws. I thought for sure it would attack me. But instead it grabbed onto the dirt in the walls of the hole and started pulling me to safety. After it had pushed me back out of the hole, I looked around. No longer were we in the meadow, but on a beach. The russet colored wolf had pulled itself up and was laying down in front of me now. I felt so at peace. My eyes struggled to stay open but I was so tired, the last thing I saw was the wolf's warm, brown eyes staring at me, almost protectively.
End Dream
After I woke up, I got ready for school. Nat showed me around and helped me out with classes. Before I knew it lunch had passed and it was time for my "meeting" with Liz.
"So Bella, how are you liking the ranch so far?" Liz asked with a smile on her face.
I shrugged, I really didn't want to be here.
She studied me for a moment, the reached into her desk and brought out a notebook, just a plain English composition notebook.
"Here, this is for you. I want you to write down anything that you seem to feel or think about. Anything and everything." She saw I was about to object and intercepted me. "I won't read it, nor will anyone else unless you choose to let them. Sometimes, healing can come in different ways. Writing it down and the reading what you wrote can provoke thought Bella. With those thoughts, you can view your life from your own perspective and maybe understand yourself a bit better. Then, you can work on repairing any damage that you would have never noticed otherwise."
I just nodded and stuck it in my bag, what could it hurt?
She nodded back at me, "Ok let's talk about some other things. I heard from one of the girls that you had a pretty awful night last night, anything you want to talk about?"
I hesitated for a second. On one hand hand I didn't think it was really any of her business, on the other hand I REALLY wanted someone to help me understand what all of it meant...
After deliberating with myself for a few more minutes, I finally told her about my dream.
She sat there thinking for a moment, "Bella, I'm not sure where to go with this because I don't know the whole story. Can you explain to me who Edward is?"
I swore my heart stopped beating in that second, I'm sure my face reflected a dear in the headlights look. I got up to run out of the room, but something stopped me, like a whisper in my ear telling me it was OK, to trust this woman, that she could help. Of course I was going crazy, I mean who heard these kinda things? But the calmness of the atmosphere around me maybe me come to a halt.
I began talking to Liz in a whisper, starting in the beginning to where me and Edward first met. Gradually I walked back toward her and sat in the chair, telling my story. My emotions coming out with my words, how I felt worthless, degraded, ugly, uncoordinated, just not what any person would want. My tears making small rivers down my cheeks and falling to the ground, I was shaking so hard, sobbing. I felt Liz come around to wrap me in a hug, and I clung to here because I'm sure that she is the only thing keeping me from being swallowed up into my darkness that I had created for myself. I cried for hours, the sun setting, to be replaced by the moon, whose light, encompassed me like a blanket. I cried for Edward, for all the Cullens, for my mom, my dad, my friends from school, but mostly I cried for myself. The person who I used to be and who I am now.
Finally the tears stopped, I had no more left of myself to give up. Liz still held me in hug on the ground, where we had sunk to at some point. "Bella, I'm here, and I'm not letting go. I refuse to let you go. I know you have so much to give to yourself and this world to stay in this despair. It has swallowed you whole, but tonight you finally you have shown you can over come this. You aren't completely healed, not anywhere near that, but you have taken a step toward it. This won't be able to be fixed in days, months, maybe not even a few years,BUT it will happen and it will be closer everyday. We here at su sendero, encontrará will help you the best that we can."
I stared out the window pondering her words, then I thought about something I was curious about.
"Liz, earlier, when I was about to walk out of the room, I heard a voice. It told me everything was ok, and that I could trust you." I looked back at her with a meekly look on my face. "Do you think that I've literally lost myself so much that I'm delusional now?" I whispered, a hint of fear in my tone.
She smiled softly, " Many year ago when I was a child going through some rough times, I heard a voice , several times in fact, that brought me words of assurance and comfort. Bella these are sacred grounds, I don't doubt even for a second that there are guardian spirits present here, who help when they feel they are needed. They are always just a whisper, never actually telling you what to do, but giving you a push in the right direction."
I thought about what she said for a moment, then for the first time since Edward left, a small smile graced my lips. "Maybe," I thought to myself, " this place can help me in ways that even he never could." The smile still sat upon my lips, as I fell asleep in the comfort of Liz's arm, for the first time in ages, no nightmare or dream entered my thoughts while I was sleeping.
END CHAPTER
Alright next chapter speed ahead two years. It will start with Bella leaving the camp and going back to Forks.
Obviously not the most well written out there and i definately could use a beta. Compliments and critiques are welcome!