Disclaimer:
I own nothing! Get it! I was in a Jean bashing mood and this came up.
"This is WBAY Bayville's Rock station…Hey! What the…? Help! Stop it!"
After several minutes the sounds of a struggle ceased. "Uh…" A familiar slow voice came on. "Due to technical problems the regular program has been cancelled for tonight."
"Yeah!" A wisecracking voice cackled. "The DJ's got a little tied up!"
"Come off it Toad! I'm announcing here!"
"Well Blob get on with it!"
"Okay! Okay! Don't rush me! There's an art to these things. And now, for your listening pleasure we present…Da Da. Da. Dah Duh! Brotherhood Radio Live! And here's your hosts, Gentlemen who bring a whole new meaning to the words bringing down the house…Avalanche and Quicksilver!"
"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, and any relatives of Toad. You're listening to Brotherhood Radio. I'm the gorgeous Quicksilver. I'm fast, amazingly handsome…."
"And has an ego the size of Australia. This is Avalanche speaking, the real host of the show. Quickie here is just my loopy sidekick."
"I am not, you are mine."
"No you're not, you're mine!"
"Uh uh."
"Yah huh."
"Will you two knock it off!" Todd said. "This is executive producer Toad speaking. This is a team show guys so get your act together huh?"
"Hey what does that make me?" Fred demanded.
"Uh…how about Key Grip or somethin'?" Todd said.
"Ain't that a movie term?"
"Yeah, but I think they have them in radio too."
"And what does a Key Grip do?" Fred asked.
"He's the guy that stands in the corner and eats the doughnuts," Todd explained.
"Key Grip Blob reporting for duty! Oooh! Jelly! I like this job."
"Anyway," Pietro sighed. "Tonight we have a special format. So if you have a problem and need to talk to someone, go somewhere else cause we don't wanna hear about it. Actually we took over this station to air some of our particular views and see how you the public agree with us. Tonight's topic: How much do we hate Jean Grey? And the answer, a lot."
"Why is she so annoying?" Lance asked. "Is it genetics? Environment? Chemicals in her shampoo? Or is it simply because she has a lack of personality? Here at Brotherhood radio we are collecting money for a "Let's Give Jean A Personality Fund!" Just send cash, no checks please. Cash to the Brotherhood Boarding house. It's a worthy cause folks. So please give."
"Yeah but uh, don't expect miracles overnight," Todd said. "Hey! We got a caller!"
"All right!" Pietro said. "Brotherhood Radio, you're on the air!"
"Yeah Hello?" A loud voice reverberated through the station.
"Ow!" Lance yelped. "Hey man, turn down your radio! You're on the air!"
"Am I on the air?"
"Yes you're on the air," Pietro said patiently. "Turn down your radio."
"Am I on?"
"Yes," Pietro told him.
"Am I on?"
"Not anymore you're not!" Pietro switched him off. "Okay Brotherhood Radio, you're on the air."
"Hey man did you see the Stones concert the other night?" A dazed voice said.
"Uh no," Lance rolled his eyes.
"Aw man it was wicked!"
"Good, go back there!" Pietro shut him off.
"Folks the topic is about Jean Grey," Lance groaned. "Let's stay on track here. Okay, Brotherhood Radio. You're on!"
"Hey!" A peppy voice chirped. "I'm like so glad you guys are doing this. I thought it was only me!"
"Well that's what we're here for," Lance told her. "Go ahead caller. You can give a fake name if you want."
"Oh that's okay. I want everybody to know this. My name is Mindy Green. That G-R-E-E-N! And I'm the one who should have been chosen captain of the soccer team! Everybody knows it. I'm prettier, more popular, and simply better than she is."
"You should get together with Quickie," Lance groaned. "It sounds like you two have a lot in common. Now what exactly about Jean do you hate the most?"
"That's a tough one, but I guess the real thing I hate her most for is that she stole my boyfriend. Duncan and I had a date on Tuesday night and he just blew me off to go with her! I hate her!"
"Don't we all," Lance chirped. "Thanks for calling Mindy. Brotherhood radio, you're on the air."
"Oh man…oh man…I gotta talk to someone," a low voice moaned. "I mean I loved this chick, and she goes off with Duncan. Okay I never talked to her or nothing but she once said hello to me in the lunch line and oh man…I lent her my pencil. I thought she liked me man,"
"Oh great a whiner!" Pietro was about to shut him off when Fred slapped him away.
"I hear ya buddy," Fred told him. "Just ignore Quickie over here. I feel your pain. Go ahead and let it all out buddy. I'm listening."
"OHHHHHH!" the caller moaned.
"That's right just let it all out," Fred encouraged.
"OHHHHHHH!"
"That's right man. I'm here for you buddy."
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"O-kay!" Lance said. "Buddy uh pal, we're gonna transfer you to another line so you can talk to Blob some more. In fact I think now would be a good time to mention that Blob is thinking of starting a support group for those who are interested."
"Yes so if you've been ignored, dumped, or if she just plain hates your guts Blob will be there for you," Todd said. "We got another call, from Tracy on line three. At least I think it's line three."
"Brotherhood Radio, you're on," Pietro said.
"Hey man what happened to the Wild and Crazy Rockin' Rob show?" A very masculine voice spoke.
"Tracy are you taking a lot of hormone pills or something?" Pietro asked.
"Tracy? My name's Bruce dude. Where's Rob?"
"On vacation!" Lance snapped. "Toad!"
"Sorry, wrong line," Todd apologized. "Okay Tracy, you're on. Sorry about that."
"Okay I'd like to say something about one of your previous callers. Mindy is a lying tramp. Everybody knows that Duncan had a date with me Tuesday night. She is such a liar!"
"Okay but what does this have to do with Jean?" Pietro asked.
"Nothing."
"Well then get off the air!" Pietro went to the next caller. "Brotherhood Radio."
"Hello?" It was the dazed voice again. "Am I on the air? Hello?"
"Man where do we get these people?" Pietro shut him off.
"Hey this is Mindy again! And it's Tracy that's the tramp. She's just jealous that I'm better than she is."
"Sure she is," Lance drawled. "Oh look I wonder who that could be on this line."
"Mindy you are such a liar!" Tracy's voice went on.
"No you are!" Mindy's voice reverberated through the studio.
"Hey, we can get two callers at once!" Todd said. "Cool!"
"You are!"
"No you are!"
"Tramp!"
"Geek!"
"Wonderful Toad," Lance groaned. "Ladies, ladies…SHUT UP! Now listen to me, I think it's pretty obvious what happened."
"Yeah she's lying!" Mindy said.
"Let me rephrase that," Lance said. "Pretty obvious to anyone with half a brain cell. Duncan the Dork made dates with both of you that night and dropped you both like a hot potato the minute he found out Jean was interested."
"You mean it's because of her that he dumped us?" Tracy "Why that little…Ohhh! I should have known she was behind this!"
"Uh, ladies I think you are kinda missing the point," Todd began.
"Aw Tracy can you ever forgive me?"
"Mindy! Best Buds!"
"Forever!" Both cried at the same time. "It's all her fault! She's gonna pay!"
"Fine, blame Jean," Lance groaned. "Close enough. By the way girls, before you two leave just answer me this, by any chance are either of you cheerleaders?"
"Yes both of us," Mindy said.
"It figures," Pietro shut them off. "Brotherhood Radio, you're on the air."
"Ohhhh," A male voice whined. "I…(sob!)…I…"
"Blob I think we've got another caller for you," Lance said. "Brotherhood Radio."
"Hey it's Mindy again. That fund you guys were talking about earlier, are you gonna use it to send her somewhere far away or something?"
"Uh…sure why not?" Pietro shrugged. "It depends on how much money we raise. So people get out your wallets and send that cash to the Brotherhood House! You can send it by mail or just leave it in little packets on the doorstep. We don't care how as long as we get the cash. Okay Brotherhood Radio. You're on."
"Hey! I hate populars, y'know," A male voice said. Especially the Queen of the Redheads. Yesterday we were just about to get out of class without being assigned homework and…"
"She reminds the teacher!" Pietro finished. "I hate when that happens."
"Yeah, like she's all so Miss Responsible. Please. Anybody can see that girl for what she is. She's a spy."
"A what?" Pietro said.
"A spy man! You know they put them in schools to spy on what we kids are doing. I'll bet you she ain't even a real student. She's probably a twenty-year-old that can pass, man. But she doesn't fool me. Not for one moment. She works for the government man. They're trying to control us, man. Take over our minds!"
"Well in that case you have nothing to worry about," Pietro shut him off. "Next!"
"Go ahead caller, you're on the air," Lance said.
"Uh," A disguised voice sputtered. "Well, I wasn't gonna say anything at first, but you all have a point here. I mean, lately it's all about how wonderful little Miss Perfect is. Never mind that she takes four hours to brush her hair in the morning and then she goes and brushes it again in the afternoon and again at night. I mean she takes so long in that stupid bathroom why doesn't she simply get her mail there if you know what I mean. I mean lately that girl is getting so vain ah can't stand it. She makes mah roommate look like she's got sense. I mean hell-oo! There are other people in the house who need to use the bathroom too ya know! Like she really needs it to look so good for her adoring fans."
"Hey that voice sounds awfully familiar," Lance said. "In fact it sounds like…Rogue? Is that you?"
"Uh…Oh look the house is on fire! Gotta go!" (Click!)
"I knew it!" Pietro snickered. "Brotherhood Radio. You're on."
"Hello?" The dazed voice returned.
"Goodbye!" Pietro clicked off the caller. "Brotherhood Radio, you're on the air."
"We gotta stand together against the government man! They're after us man! They're going for nothing less than world domination! We have to do something!"
"Yes, I suggest you start by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital," Lance moaned. "Where are all these nuts coming from? Must be a full moon tonight."
"Let's take a break from the callers and go to our segment, which we like to call: What's in Jean's Brain?" Todd said. "The answer may surprise you. Over to Dr. Blob. Now that he's off the phone, he will now answer this very important question! Take it Blob!"
"Take what where?"
"Just do it like we rehearsed!" Todd moaned.
"Oh yeah," Fred cleared his throat before he continued. "This is Dr. Blob here to answer the question, What is in the mind of Jean Grey? The common belief is not a lot. But here at the Brotherhood Institute, we have discovered the truth. In fact, empty space only takes up a mere 15% of Jean's brain. Now since this is radio we can't show you our chart so I'll describe it! As I said before 15% is empty. Twenty-Five percent is devoted to shopping. Another 25% is for soccer and other sports. Ten percent is hair management. Another ten is for Dating. Fifteen for school work. Five for being Miss Popular and five more for having a fascination with bright and shiny objects."
"Blob, that's a hundred and ten percent," Pietro pointed out.
"Well, math was never my strong suit," Fred admitted. "Plus there's another five percent that is devoted to treating guys like her personal toys. I mean the Scott and Duncan thing is getting so old. I bet she gets a kick out of seeing those two losers go at it no matter what she says! I mean she just does that little hair flip she always does and pretends to be interested just so she gets what she wants and when she does she turns you down like you're not good enough or somethin'!"
"Uh Blob," Todd said.
"Responsibilities my eye!" Fred continued. "What a lame excuse! I mean getting a soda for a couple of minutes and talking isn't exactly the most irresponsible thing in the world to do. It's not like I said 'Hey forget about doing our homework! Let's drive to Mexico!'"
"Blob…" Lance warned.
"Or, 'I wonder how fast the principal's car can go? Wanna see?'" Fred was starting to turn red. "Or how about, 'Why don't you and me get us a couple of stink bombs and throw them at the alligators at the zoo?' All I wanted was a few minutes to talk to her over a lousy soda! Is that irresponsible? Is it?"
"No it's not," Todd said. "Blob, calm down okay. Blob? Blob can you hear me?"
"But noooooooooooo!" Fred continued ranting. "Apparently that would make her two minutes late for her girl talk session or have her homework done ten minutes later! Heaven forbid Miss Perfect goes off her schedule by even a microsecond, otherwise the entire universe as we know it will collapse!"
"Blob, you know that chair you're squeezing?" Todd said. "It didn't use to be a collapsible chair if you get my drift. Just calm down. Just think of something else. Hamburgers. French fries. Pizza. Any of the food groups!"
"Now that I think about it," Fred continued. "She was trying to get me to join that snooty institute right? Well if she was supposed to try and recruit me, she did a lousy job of it! I mean, if you wanted to get someone on your side and if that someone wanted to get a soda with you, do you just blow them off because you're too busy? Well do you? I don't think so!!!"
"Yo Man get a grip!" Todd hopped on top of him and started shaking him. Well, as much as someone of Todd's size could shake someone of Fred's size.
"ALL I WANTED WAS A LOUSY SODA!!!" Fred screamed.
"Hit the deck!" Lance warned. "He's gonna blow!"
"BLOB SNAP OUT OF IT!" Todd shouted slapping him. "She ain't worth it man!"
"Toad?" Fred looked at him with glazed eyes.
"Yeah man it's me. Forget about her! She's not good enough for you pal! C'mon buddy, snap outta it!"
"Toad…" Fred calmed down. "Okay…I went away for a while. I'm back now."
"I'm here for you buddy," Todd hugged him. "It's okay. It's okay."
"Oh for cryin'…," Lance grumbled, emerging from behind the desk. "Folks you should see this. It's really a pathetic sight. Ladies and gentlemen this is only an example of the damage the Red Menace causes around here. Let's take another call shall we? Brotherhood Radio."
"Hello….Am I on? Am I on?"
"Oh just hang up already!" Lance snapped. "Brotherhood Radio."
"Yeah this is tonight's topic Avalanche," A very familiar icy voice spoke.
"Well, well, well," Lance smirked. "If it isn't Princess Perfect herself."
"Yes. And me and a few friends of mine would like a word with you clowns!"
"Oh yeah?" Pietro smirked. "Oooh! I'm soooo scared! What? You gonna call in Scotty Boy and his little Pep squad?"
"Actually, I brought a few of my other friends with me."
"Brought some other…?" Pietro asked quizzically. That was when various objects started flying around the room. "You're on a cell phone aren't you?"
A flash of lightning and the rumble of thunder resounded through the studio. "Uh Folks, we're gonna take a little break now," Lance said. "We'll leave you with this little song which we feel describes our subject well…She's a Maniac! Move it Guys!"