The Legion Comes Calling
ED-E puttered about in its usual nervous orbit near the ceiling of the shack, occasionally emitting a soft beep. Elaine, aka the Courier, smiled. She and Veronica wouldn't have much of a sex life without it, she knew. Not that they were often interrupted, but still... If the hostile was something small, a molerat for instance, ED-E would fry it before it had a chance to approach; something larger, and it would interrupt them with an embarrassed little twitter, leaving them plenty of time to get to their guns, and usually their clothes and armor as well. Though not always.
You were made with love and so you understand love, she thought. Even though you're a machine. Your creator loved you and took a big risk to save you, and you found love along the way in your journey as well. No wonder you're so protective of us.
She shook her head and smiled again, thinking of the last time the Legion had tried to butt in. It was just at dawn, and they'd been sleeping exhausted behind some crates in the back of a wrecked truck when the warning came in. ED-E had flown off to take care of business, leaving the two of them to deal with the poor jerk who had thought he'd come to deliver their death sentences.
"Caesar has..."
Veronica interrupted. "Look, genius, we know what Caesar thinks of us. And do you think that we care? No, we do not. You aren't the first to come with that message, you know. Though of this instant, you're the only one of them who's still alive."
The Legionary gaped at them. It might have been because they were both stark naked, or then again, he might have noticed that Elaine, who had dropped to the ground and was flat on her stomach, had drawn a bead on his crotch with an anti-materiel rifle. And at this range, there was no way she was going to miss.
They stared at each other. Then Elaine said, "Two words. Explosive rounds. Sorry, I don't know the fucking Latin."
There was a sharp hiss from the background and a flash of light. And another. And another. And then a low buzz and the familiar beeping, as ED-E floated up behind the Legionary, waiting for any move it could use as an excuse to turn him into a fourth pile of ash to join the other three he'd just scattered over the landscape.
"I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but as of thirty seconds ago you became the sole survivor of your squad," Veronica continued in a tone that was almost conversational. She waved a plasma pistol in the general direction of his late comrades. "So your options are quite limited. Even more so if you try to pull a gun on us." She gestured at ED-E. "Our friend here is former Enclave, and I hate to admit it, but it enjoys frying people like you. If you so much as scratch your butt, what's left of you will be blowing away in the wind five seconds later."
He continued to gape. Without taking her eye away from the rifle scope, or her finger off the trigger, Elaine said in a tone dripping with contempt, "He's probably never seen a naked woman before. He's shy. Isn't that just so cute? Are we going to let this one go, or should I blow his nuts off right now?"
Veronica made a show of thinking deeply.
"Well... if we don't kill him, Caesar will. The Joshua Graham rule. Failures get the roast'n'toast treatment. I'm sure he knows that. At least we'd do it faster, and without the barbecue sauce."
She paused. "On the other hand, Legionary scum, I'm in a very good mood right at this moment." She bent down to Elaine and gave her bare bottom an appreciative kiss. "Not because of you. But you may benefit. Thank Elaine here, she's the one whose clever ass has saved your useless butt." Elaine wriggled, Veronica laughed, and the Legionary continued to stand there frozen, with his mouth open.
Veronica slowly and ostentatiously inspected her plasma pistol, and then waved it in the direction of the Legionary. "Strip." Her tone left no doubt that she meant it as an order.
The Legionary didn't move. Veronica ordered him again, sharply. "Strip. As in take off everything you're wearing and drop it on the ground in front of you. If you want to die with the same number of balls you were born with." She reached down to pat Elaine's rear end again, slipping her hand down into her crotch momentarily for a quick tickle. "Right now. I think my friend here is getting a bit impatient with you."
"You can say that again," Elaine growled in reply. "I'm not lying here much longer. This gravel is murder on my tits and damn you, you're making me horny again."
Veronica laughed. "Then we really do have to hurry. Everything off by the count of ten or... One. Two..."
The Legionary was naked by eight. Veronica inspected him and made a face as if she'd tasted something bad. Then she pointed down the road with her pistol.
"About two hundred yards down, there's a dead prospector. He's probably a bit high now, but never mind that. Dress yourself in his clothes and go to New Vegas, the NCR camp, Camp McCarran. Ask for Major Dhatri. Say Veronica and Elaine sent you. Tell him what you were and everything you know, and he might - he might - let you carry on to California and a new life there. Or if he's had a bad day or a cold breakfast, he might get pissed off and have you shot. Still better than going crispy critters. Or take off across the wastes and get killed by..." She paused and scanned the horizon. "...a radscorpion, of which I can see no less than four from here even without the binoculars. Or just get lost in Freeside, in which case you'll probably starve. Last but not least, we can shoot you right here. Them's the choices."
The Legionary stood standing gaping at the two of them still. Veronica swung herself over to straddle Elaine, lowering herself onto her butt as if she were riding a Brahmin. Elaine wriggled again, but her aim with the rifle remained steady. Veronica continued.
"Leave. Now. Do you need a count for everything, pencil dick? All right... at five we find out whether I or my lady can deliver to your package faster." She leveled the plasma pistol at his crotch. "One..."
He fled.