AN: Just fair warning, I don't call this my best work. It's not really properly planned out, it's what just popped into my head and straight onto the page so I'm not sure how good it is, but see for yourselves.
Broken Faith
"It doesn't matter if you're a good person or a bad one. If you live a virtuous life or a life of sin. Sooner or later, something horrible will happen to you, just like it did to Jamil, uncle Scott, your husband and son, my family. And it will happened to you and me. All we have to do is wait."
They were words Lourdes never thought she'd ever say. Though pain and suffering were forever in abundance right in front of her since the day the aliens attacked, she'd never once doubted her faith in God. She always found things to be thankful for and not once did her belief that the gentle, unseen hand from above would guide them to a happy ending falter for even a second. Some people had belittled her for what they called blind and hopeless faith, asking where their Lord was while they were sick and dying, but she just shrugged them off. Nothing could ever damper her hope and faith.
But everything had taken a toll in one way or another and lately far too many heartbreaks had struck the young med student. Jimmy, who she'd known from the beginning and gotten a chuckle from on more than one occasion, was gone, her hope of reuniting with her family in Mexico was blown apart and now Jamil had gone through a horrifying and excruciatingly painful death right in front of her. The pain and grief each of these individual events caused alone was tremendous, but when piled together, it was far beyond anything she'd ever imagined and shattered every ounce of faith she'd ever had.
If there was a God, he'd abandoned them long ago. No prayer was listened to. There was no salvation. There was pain and then there was death.
Ann couldn't find a single word to say to that. It was so...anti Lourdes. It broke her heart to see the poor girl so dark and pessimistic. The girl who had become like a daughter to her was so broken and she couldn't think of a single to say or do to help her. All she could do was wipe the tears from her stinging eyes as she checked on her patients.
Talking. Faith. What good are they? Lourdes thought with a scowl as she unwrapped the bandage around the arm of a sleeping patient and removed the gauze so as to clean the wound. It was caused by flying shrapnel that embedded itself deep into the muscle. The guy screamed his head off in agony every conscious moment he had since it occurred, forcing Ann and Lourdes to keep him sedated at all times. It took a huge toll on their supplies, but any Skitter within a mile would hear him otherwise. The wound was gruesome and infected. He'd live thanks to the stop at the hospital, but it would be an agonisingly slow healing process and his muscle would never function properly again. She never noticed the thumps of someone climbing into the bus as she rubbed it with a wet cloth and redressed it. "If there was anyone watching over us, anything to have even the slightest bit of faith in, this crap would at least recede, but no, we just get it even more gruesome every day. Where's the point in hope? We're only delaying the inevitable."
"That doesn't sound like the Lourdes I know and admire." A voice said confusedly, startling Lourdes. It was much too deep for Ann's. It was a guy's voice, but one that was too light and soft to be Tom's or Hal's, the only guys besides Matt who she'd ever expect to check on her, let alone say something like that. still needing to finish wrapping the new bandage around the wound, it took her a moment to recognise the voice. By the time she stood up and turned to face him, Ben had already crossed halfway through the bus, looking at her with green orbs filled with concern, sympathy and even a slight bit of fear swimming through them.
"The Lourdes I know was a firm believer that there was always something to be thankful for. That if else, we still had everyone in the 2nd Mass to lean on and find comfort in." He said softly, not letting his eyes break away from hers, looking into deeply. It was like he was desperate to find some shred of the old her within her own dark orbs and only grew more desperate as he found nothing reassuring.
"Yeah well, she was a fool." Lourdes snapped, her anger and pain lashing out and leaving her blind to the hurt crossing Ben's face. "Our numbers drop by the day. What happens when they're all gone? They will be soon enough. Who will comfort me then? Why bother hoping we survive this when it's clear we won't?"
"Because if we don't have hope, what do we have?" Ben asked, his voice significantly softer and more vulnerable, causing Lourdes' rage to falter. She froze in shock as she finally registered what was crossing his face. He was scared, unsure and sad. He looked like an innocent, terrified child, looking desperately for something warm and reassuring to cling onto. It had been so long since she'd seen anything other than the hard, cold mask he eternally wore, save the desperate moments when he brought Tom and Jimmy in, that she'd almost forgotten that he too was just a kid, one even younger than her. The fact that she'd somehow caused the scared inner child in Ben to show himself shocked and confused her greatly.
"As far as I can see, we have nothing." She responded a moment later, pulling herself back together. Lourdes felt another tug on her heart as her answer only seemed to upset Ben even more. Despite how she felt, she didn't like that. Somehow, she'd brought down the guy who was possibly the most confident, determined and resilient fighter in the entire camp and reduced him into a scared little child. She couldn't help the pangs of guilt and despite everything running through her at the moment, she couldn't help trying to fix the damage she'd done. "But if you can actually find a reason to hope, then I envy you." She said softly, trying her best to keep the attitude she'd developed since watching the horrid crawlies burst out of Jamil's mouth out of her voice.
"You envy me." Ben muttered, chuckling humourlessly as he fiddled with his gun strap. "That's funny. The girl I've admired for her strength, hope and good fortune is envious of me. The Razorback." He snorted dejectedly as he took off his gun and leaned against the wall. "The guy who was enslaved by the Skitters, is transforming in ways no one even knows, is liked and accepted by few and trusted by none. I've brought nothing but fear and death to the 2nd Mass since I was deharnessed. I've been hated and jeered at, even had weapons pointed my way and you're envious of me?"
"That you can still have hope, yes." Lourdes responded before turning accusing. "And you think my life's been easy? I watch day in and day out as people come into this bus knowing that if I don't get my job done in time and exactly right, they'll die! I had to watch as my house blew up on the day this mess began, knowing that my family was inside it. I was only able to go on for so long because I still had the hope that my relatives in Mexico were still alive only to have that ripped from me by what was apparently a big explosion! After that, Jamil was all the reason I had to keep going and now I've watch him die in such a horrible way that I'm going to have nightmares for the rest of my life. At least you still have your dad and brothers. I have nothing, no one! How am I lucky? How am I strong when I couldn't even save Jamil? How am I..." Tears gathered in her eyes as she ranted and her breathing turned erratic. Her grief just continued to build as she talked until every dam she'd put between her and her grief came crashing down. All it took was her last look at Jamil crossing her vision, bloody, gurgling before the bug thing burst of out his mouth, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Letting out a loud sob, she threw herself at Ben and sobbed into his chest.
Ben was quick to respond, ignoring his surprise completely as he wrapped his arms soothingly around her. Biting his lip, he hesitantly rubbed circles into her back as he rested his head gently against hers. He knew what to do to try and comfort her, but Lourdes still noticed that they were more hesitant and controlled than she was used to from Ann, Jamil or her parents. The part of her that was still paying attention as she sobbed, dampening his jacket, guessed that he was on the receiving end of this most of the time, not providing comfort.
"You still have Ann." He muttered softly next to her ear as she buried her face into the crook of his neck. "She cares about you a great deal Lourdes, even I've seen it. My dad and brothers care a lot about you too. so does most of the 2nd Mass." He added, letting a small smile grow on his face. "You do so much for them Lourdes, more than you know. I'm not the only person who admires your strength either."
"What strength?" Lourdes sobbed, moving her arms around Ben's neck, desperate for the comfort he offered. In response, he stopped rubbing circles and tightened his hold, rubbing her back with one hand while the other hugged her close. "I have no real strength."
"Yes, you do." Ben stated softly, but firmly as his rubbing hand stopped and moved up to rest gently on her head. "You have the strongest mental strength I've ever seen. In that aspect, you are stronger than any of us. You're a medic. You'd have to be strong willed to be able to go on in that profession. I would have broken down and lost it after the first two lost patients. But even without your work, you proved you're strong through your hope and faith. Everyone else, no matter how religious we might have once been, gave up on faith long ago. The fact that you held onto it so strongly for so long, it's an amazing sight to see. You inspired a lot of people, helped them find hope of their own. You inspired me to have faith, to hope that we could win this. To have hope that I can be free."
"I do that?" Lourdes asked, stunned as she looked up with tear shot eyes. she'd never noticed it. People always commented on her faith in one way or another, but no one ever seemed to be inspired to her. Ann was a possible exception, but she always thought that her...mother figure was just humouring her. But looking up at Ben, she saw nothing but honesty looking back. Like he knew without a doubt that every word he said was true.
"Yeah." Ben nodded, smiling as she blinked. "As you know, these are very dark days with little out there to give us hope. But you, you're a beacon of hope Lourdes, one we all gather around more desperately than you could ever realise. Most of us would have fallen apart long ago without you."
She couldn't believe it. How could something as silly as her blind faith mean so much to everyone?
"And as bad as things seem right now, I think you've been very fortunate here." Ben said quietly. That however, got her looking at him like he'd just grown a second head.
"Did you listen to a word I said in that rant about my life?" She asked incredulously.
"Yes, but have you paid attention to everything you've been...blessed with?" Ben retorted, stunning her again with his choice of words. "Think about it Lourdes. You escaped the Skitters. You found your way to the resistance. You made friends who care for you and found a purpose. You have people's full trust, care and whether you believe it or not, admiration. And you found your way to Jamil."
"Only to lose him to creepy crawlies eating him alive from the inside." She exclaimed as tears gathered in her eyes again. The following sob came with such a strong jolt of her body that Ben pulled her close again and pressed his cheek to hers.
"True. You had to...watch him die. but that's...that's not the part you should focus on." Lourdes' pain was quickly overridden by curiosity and concern as Ben suddenly struggled to talk, swallowing hard twice midsentence. Pulling back a little, she looked up into his face and felt her concern amplify and her curiosity turn to shock as she found a very similar look on the young blond's face. A look of pure heartbreak. "At least you...you got to tell him h-how you felt. You got to spend time with him, hold him, kiss him. You got to tell him you loved him and hear it back. Not many of us...manage to find love anymore and...and some who do don't...don't get the chance to tell them."
Lourdes couldn't believe what she was hearing, but she knew it was true. She did find love and she did get to spend time with him. Ben was right, far too few people got even that anymore. It was painful beyond hell to lose him, but at least she got some happiness, a very particular kind that was denied to most of her fellow man these days.
It was hard to swallow, considering the pain of a gaping hole in her chest at the moment, but logically speaking, Ben was quite right. It was a blessing to find love, even if it was only for a little while. Besides, from the way Ben talked and the raw pain covering his face, it looked like she wasn't the only one to find love. However, his story was clearly very different from hers.
"Ben? Tell me." She said softly, soothingly. Ben's eyes were about to overflow with tears, something she'd never seen before. It was like now that he'd removed his mask, everything was pouring out uncontrollably. Then again, it might be that reassuring her had awoken some very upsetting feelings he'd buried. Either way, it was enough for her to push her own issues away at least long enough to help him.
"Even now, I envy you and Jamil." He stated, with a small grin as the tears finally started to fall down his cheeks. "I'm envious of...how you were able to tell him how you felt, how you got to spent time with him romantically, all of it. Because I never did any of that with the one I fell for and now I never will."
"You mean Karen?" she asked, drawing a stunned look from him. "Sorry Ben, but half the Mass knows that you kissed her. The guard blabbed and you know how news about you travels here."
"Oh great!" He groaned, trying futilely to wipe away his tears. "Just what I need. But no, it's not Karen. I did feel a bit of an attraction to her and her to me, but the kiss was more of a subconscious attempt to further connect to each other than anything romantic. That and it felt good to have someone like me around, you know? Someone going through everything I was, someone I could talk to about with without fear of their reaction. Something I haven't had since..." He hesitated there as long, shaky breath rattled his body. He gave up trying the wipe the tears away as they increased, seemingly drawing all his attention to gathering himself enough to say the next line. "Since Jimmy died."
Lourdes eyes widened as realisation hit home. Not only did it practically cost Ben and arm and a leg just to say his name, but now Ben refused to make eye contact, dropping his head down to look at the ground, and his body was shaking. Like he was waiting for Lourdes to scream at him.
"You loved Jimmy?" She asked softly. Ben just nodded in return, still refusing to look at her.
"I love Jimmy." He stated, fighting back a sob. "If anything, I love him even more now than when he was alive."
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Lourdes muttered warmly as she gently placed her hand under a startled Ben's chin and coaxing her to look at him. Warily, he finally let his eyes rise to meet hers when her hand stopped and his fear instantly turned into awe. He'd clearly expected Lourdes to judge him and hate him, like so many other strongly religious people would after his little confession, but all Lourdes felt for him was sympathy and acceptance. "How long did you know you loved him?"
"More or less since the first time I saw him." He muttered, smiling sadly as his eyes turned distant, lost in memories. "I started crushing on him right away. So you can guess as how hurt I felt when the first time I approached him I got a 'stay away from me'."
She remembered that. It was on the soccer field at Sanctuary. When Jimmy walked away, not even looking at Ben, the poor blond looked like a kicked puppy. She just thought it was because he failed to make a friend, but it did seem a bit more painful than that.
"When I ran to get help after we escaped from Sanctuary, a part of the reason for going was because I was trying to impress him. And it worked! He started talking to me, smiling at me." Ben continued, his sad smile momentarily growing bright and happy. "We started spending more and more time together, especially after left the school. And we were partnered together after Fitchburg, so I got to spend a lot of time with him and my feelings for him just kept growing stronger. It wasn't long before I came to hate every moment he wasn't next to me, for my mind to always be focused on him, hoping I could impress him. he was even in all my dreams, whether they were good or bad. But I...I was too..."
"Too afraid to tell him?" Lourdes finished for him as he sobbed. Desperately trying to hold himself together, he nodded and took a few deep breaths, but it was clear that his composure wasn't going to last for long.
"I was terrified that he'd hate me." He gulped, a few small sobs breaking through. "I'd never be able to handle that, so I held myself back. But it so hard and painful! I loved being near him and it hurt to be separated. But even when I was with him, it hurt that I was only his friend. Every minute or every day I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to run my hands through his hair, kiss him, wrap my arms around him and not let go, but I just couldn't take the rejection and hate that could so easily come from telling him. Funny isn't it?" He added, smiling humourlessly as tears ran rivers down his chin. "I could tell him ever new trick I got from the spikes, every fear I had and single thing that bothered me in my life without a second thought and he'd just never once got scared or suspicious of me or anything. He only got worried about me or sympathetic and he'd always try to reassure me. He never told anyone anything I said and never held any of it against me, but I still couldn't so much as tell him that I'm bi, let alone that I loved him. And then...and then I...I..."
At that point he just completely broke down and Lourdes was the one pulling him into her arms. A wet patch quickly grew on her shoulder to match the one she left on him, but like him, she didn't care, opting to focus on rubbing the top of his head and back, making sure to keep her hands away from the spikes. She knew about the armour-like skin growing around them and didn't care about it outside his wellbeing, but she knew he tried to ignore its existence and touching it would probably make him flinch.
"It's ok Ben. You'll be ok." She muttered soothingly. "You'll be ok. We'll be ok." The irony of their role change was not lost on her, though she couldn't help but wonder if it was an accident or if Ben planned it. He was smart enough to pull something like that off, but he'd grown pretty blunt and straightforward since Fitchburg, so while he could hide information like the best of them, he didn't ever really bother being manipulative. That being said, she never thought they'd be having this conversation either, so who knows?
"Did you know that...I actually did...k-kiss him?" Ben asked between sobs, not moving from his spot. "I w-was dressing him after he...after he died and I told him...I told him I loved him and I kissed him. I didn't hear it back. He was cold, he...he didn't kiss me back." Despite Lourdes' best attempts at soothing him, he only seemed to cry harder. "I-I didn't have the guts to tell him before it was too late. So I...I still envy your good luck. To be able to tell him, to...to have a relationship w-with him. Like I wanted with Jimmy."
"Oh Ben." She sighed, pulling him to the seat at the back of the bus and sitting them down, never once letting go. She could see why he thought she was so lucky now, at least where love lives were concerned. She got a lot of love and joy out hers while he only got the pain and that was without the fact that he would forever feel indirectly responsible for Jimmy's death. She couldn't even imagine what he was going through all this time. It would have been more than anyone could bear and yet he'd gone on, acting as normal as he could. to do his job and fight, protect others. Now that was mental strength.
She had to admire him at least as much as he admired her.
If he could keep going, then maybe she could too. After all, she had it relatively good, minus the previous night's events. Others had it much harder than her, like Ben.
He was right. She was well blessed, as best she could be with the current situation. She had to be strong for those who weren't as fortunate. There was still things to hope and be thankful for and if she really was part of what kept the 2nd Mass' hope alive, then she would do her job. starting with the one who helped her see through the darkness she'd consumed herself in. Closing her eyes, she placed her head on top of Ben's and let a prayer she'd just moments ago thought she'd never utter again flow from her lips.
"God of faithfulness, in Your wisdom You have called Your servants Jamil and Jimmy out of this world; release them from the bonds of sin, and welcome them into Your Presence, so the they may enjoy eternal light and peace and be raised up in glory with all Your saints. Amen."
"We'll see them again Ben." Lourdes said reassuringly as Ben raised his head. A new fire was burning in Lourdes, her faith renewed and she'd be damned if she left the one who restored it suffer like this. "They haven't left us Ben, they're always here, watching over us. One day, we'll see them again. when our time is done, when we've finished righting the wrongs that took them from us. When our jobs are done. Until then, we need to keep going and if hope's all we got, then we'll make it work."
"Now that's what I was hoping to hear." He muttered, grinning lightly as he wiped his bloodshot eyes. "I needed some of your faith, to believe that everything will work out. I don't think I could have left my family if I couldn't find faith in seeing them or the rest of you again."
"You're leaving?" Lourdes cried, grief starting to fill her again. she couldn't lose him now, he was the only one that managed to help her find her lost faith. He was her friend and kindred spirit. Without him, who knew how long her faith would last this time.
"I have to go." Ben nodded sadly, crossing his arms. Turning to the window, a sad, longing look covered his face as he spotted his brothers walking past, Matt talking a mile a minute about last night's events. He really didn't want to leave, but something was telling him that he must. "I brought Karen, a Fish Head and armies of Mechs and Creepy Crawlies right to the 2nd Mass. I'm only going to bring more danger if I stay. Besides," He continued, turning back to Lourdes. "The Skitter rebellion needs me. they've lost Rick and at the very least we need someone to translate for them if we ever want to get to the point where we can join forces and stop the Overlords. And trust me when I say that we need to beat them soon."
"Why are you so willing to trust them?" Lourdes asked, more out of curiosity than anything else. Like everyone else, she too had great doubts in their chances of staying alive anywhere near the so-called rebellion, but Ben had faith in it. From anyone else, that wouldn't be much to go on even for Lourdes, but Ben's hate for the Skitters was so great that the fact that he would fight alongside and protect them so fiercely spoke volumes to her. It was her source for hope that the rebellion was real and her confusion to Ben taking to it.
"I've been inside their leader's head. I know he's being honest with me." Ben stated firmly. "I've felt his regret and remorse for what he's had to do to us and I've felt his hatred at the overlords. He's a good...creature, man, whatever. Besides that though, it's mostly hope. Hope that what the Skitters did to me really could be used to help our cause and that the rebellion can help me find a way to stop the transformation before it goes too far."
"If you have to go...promise me you'll be back." Lourdes demanded, grabbing his shoulders. "Promise me that I'll see you again and that when I do, you'll stay with us. Please? I need to know that my friend will be back."
"Friend?" Ben asked, his bright smile contrasting with his red eyes.
"Yes, friend. After all this do you really think that we'd be anything less?" Lourdes asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, rolling her eyes. However, she quickly reverted to the desperation she'd had since hearing of his departure. "Now please, promise me."
"Have faith Lourdes." Ben grinned, drawing her once again into a hug. This time however, it was far more relaxed and reassuring than the comfort attempts the two had made before. "You will see me again, I promise." He whispered in her ear before pulling away. He gave her one last reassuring smile before leaving the bus. "See you later Lourdes."
It was with a heavy heart that Lourdes watched him go. She kicked herself for not properly befriending him long ago and once again for it taking such a horrible outlook on life from her to get it to happen.
"I knew this day was coming." Lourdes actually physically jumped as Ann's voice met her ears. The regiment's head doctor had been so quiet that neither she, nor Ben, had even remembered she was there. Turning to her, Lourdes found her with her hand over her chest, watching on forlornly as Ben headed towards the back of the convoy. "Though I really hoped it wouldn't."
"How did you know?" Lourdes asked, a little thrown off. She hadn't noticed a thing, but then again she hadn't paid too much attention to any of the Masons lately, bar Matt. "And How long?"
"Since Jimmy's death." Ann sighed, turning back to the boxes she was stacking as Ben left their line of sight. "He grew so distant from everyone, not that that was surprising, but he also took an interest in how to use a first aid kit. Then there was his desperate need to actually save a Skitter and the talk of the rebellion, not to mention what Tom told me he'd said. It all just fit into place. This will destroy Tom and the boys." She finished sadly, simply dropping the box of bandaids she'd been moving around and sitting down with her back against the bench. "I don't know what they're going to do."
"They're just going to have to have faith in him and in his return." Lourdes responded. Not as strongly as she once would have, but it was a good start considering how far gone she'd been before. "Ben's strong and strong willed. We'll see him again."
And when they did, he'd find Lourdes being the girl he admired.