And So It Goes

Thanks to all the wonderful people who've commented on this series!! It's my baby, and I love it J Part IV should be forthcoming eventually ;)

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I smile faintly, lifting my face up toward the light. I feel the sun warm on my skin, smell the freshness of the grass. It's an utterly peaceful moment.

I open my eyes and glance around me, trying to impress every image surrounding me on my memory forever.

It's been…a rough year-and-a-half. But I'm back. I'm home.

Well, I'm at Quatre's. It's as much of a home as any of us have at the moment, though. Duo gave up our apartment while he was looking for me. And the others…

I turn my head, glancing at the other people who are sharing this picnic in the woods with me.

Quatre and Wufei are lying on the ground at the base of a tree. Wufei has his back propped against the trunk, and Quatre is lying beside him, his head resting on Wufei's chest. Their eyes are closed, and Wufei's hand rests protectively on Quatre's back. They look so…peaceful.

Peaceful isn't a word that I'd use to describe the other couple, seated on the other side of the clearing, cobalt blue eyes staring challengingly into paler blue ones. Everything these two do is fiery, intense, extreme.

And no wonder. They've always been so competitive. I can't believe they ever managed to admit that they were on the same line of thought long enough to get together.

Of course, I'm not the only one surprised by this. I continue to watch them stare at each other, feeling the faint stirrings of amusement as I reflect on how everybody else must see their relationship.

Everyone's been shielding me from news of the rest of the world, but I don't need a newspaper report to know that Relena would not take well to Heero leaving her for her brother.

Not well at all. But I watch them, and Heero slowly lifts his hand to brush his fingers against Zechs' cheek. The intensity, the force, the rivalry is still there between them…but there's a softness too. There's a tenderness between them that never existed between Heero and Relena.

Every cloud has a silver lining, they say. I guess I'm looking at the silver linings to the darkness that's covered me for well over a year. I don't remember a lot of the time I was missing, but they've told me that I was gone for eight months before they found me. And in that time, they all stayed together, looking for me. Zechs came to help them search, although I figure that he was probably sent by Relena to drag Heero kicking and screaming back to Sanc.

And in that time…well, things cleared up for them. Coalesced, I guess. And where once there was Quatre and Wufei and Heero and Zechs, now there is Quatre and Wufei, and Heero and Zechs.

They brought me back here almost six months ago, but it's only in the last two or three months that they've slowly told me about the new relationships that existed between them, and allowed themselves to be affectionate in front of me.

Everyone's so…careful of me. I appreciate it – I do – but it makes me feel so…isolated. Freakish. Weak.

Especially when…

A shout and a loud laugh breaks the silence of our glade. Zechs and Heero look away from each other, Wufei and Quatre blink sleepily, and I turn my head toward the sound. My heart catches at the sight before me.

Duo, his long braid trailing over his shoulder, strands of it gleaming gold in the afternoon sunlight, is sitting cross-legged in a patch of sunshine. A small pile of sticks in front of him are smoldering dimly, a trail of smoke wending away from them.

"Success!" he crows, brandishing one arm over his head. In his hand, he's holding a magnifying glass.

"What are you doing?" Wufei demands grumpily, his voice heavy with sleep. I think he was napping. Wufei's always grumpy when he wakes up.

"I am Wilderness Survival Man!" Duo announces proudly. "I can start a fire without conventional tools! I can manipulate the power of sunlight to create flame! I am Prometheus…"

"So the next time you're marooned on a deserted island with only your handy magnifying glass, you'll be able to cook the game you have no weapon to kill?" Wufei snaps nastily.

Even Heero grins at that. I feel a smile tugging at my mouth…but I know my face doesn't change, doesn't reflect any emotion.

My amusement disappears at the thought. Why am I doing this? I want to smile, to laugh with the others at Duo's antics and Wufei's surliness. I feel the amusement they feel. Why can't I show it?

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong

I miss the rest of the insulting exchange, immersed in the gathering darkness of my thoughts.

I've been through freaking months of therapy. I was hospitalized for months. Every secret I've ever kept has either been divined by people too damned perceptive for my own good, or incautiously babbled out by me in a time when I, frighteningly, had no control whatsoever over what I said or did.

There should be no more…walls. No more hesitation. I have nothing left to hide, after all.

But…I can't.

I may have…told people things. Things about my past.

But I didn't know I was doing it. I didn't want to do it.

And now, now that I know what I'm doing again, I can't repeat that behavior.

I just…can't.

To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

The doctor who took care of me said that my inability to speak was not unusual. He tried to get me to talk all the time, but he said I would be able to talk when I was ready.

When there was someone I trusted enough to tell all the details.

I think that that hurt Duo.

He thinks that I don't trust him enough to tell him about the others who haunt my past.

They aren't…as powerful as they once were. I still see their faces, twisted with cruelty and contempt, every time I close my eyes.

But when I open them, I see Duo…and the vision of him drives them away.

I should be able to talk to him.

I want to.

He…replaces the pain with something much…better.

But I still can't…

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense

I've tried, a few times since he brought me home to Quatre's big house in the country, the house I 'd disappeared from all those months ago.

I told him about the death of the Captain. Well, I told him a little about it.

He listened quietly – Duo listened quietly – and then he took my hand, and told me it wasn't my fault.

He gazed into my eyes as he told me that, and his hand was steady and warm on mine, and his voice was soft and sincere.

Duo doesn't lie.

And he wasn't lying.

He doesn't blame me for that.

And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

That should make me happy.


And in a way, it does.

But…I don't like that he knows that about me. He swears it makes no difference…

But maybe it should make a difference. Maybe I deserve to lose…all this.

But I don't know if I can stand to lose it again. I was strong enough to walk away once…I don't know that I'll ever be able to do that again.

But if they throw me out…

I can't let that happen. And to prevent it, I have to keep them in ignorance as much as possible.

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns

But I don't know that I can do that forever.

I'm shaken out of my reverie as a body plops down beside me, startling me slightly. I look up, and Duo's violet eyes are grinning into mine.

"Penny for your thoughts, Tro!" he offers cheerfully.

It's non-threatening, non-demanding, non-invasive.

But the offer is there. Tell him what I'm thinking.

He wants me to. I want to. But I can't. I just can't.

I look down, staring at my lap, looking away from him. I can't, Duo. I can't give you what you want.

There's silence for a moment, then he drops something into my lap.

"I don't think that the forest's allowed to run as wild as the Q-man claims," he tells me, an amused note in his voice. "Look what I found. There's a whole thicket of them down by the river there. It's like Sleeping Beauty's castle's back there or something."

I stare down at the object he's dropped in my lap.

A rose.

I stare at it for a moment. It's not one of the perfect, scentless, hybrid tea roses gardeners are so fond of. This is an old-fashioned rose, huge, with dozens and dozens of petals arranged in a seemingly patternless profusion around a cheerfully compact center. And I can smell its sweet fragrance though it's nowhere near my nose.

It's beautiful. It's perfect.

I reach down carefully, and pick it up gingerly by the long stem.

I lift it to my nose and inhale deeply, drawing the fragrance, the essence of the rose, into my lungs. My fingers slide up the stem…

…and I start in surprise, jerking the flower away. I drop it back into my lap, and stare stupidly at the drop of blood beading up on my thumb.

A thorn.

And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

"Damn!" Duo fusses, taking my hand, carefully wiping the blood away with the hem of his black shirt. "I thought I'd gotten them all."

I stare at the top of his head as he fusses over this ridiculously minute wound. You didn't get them all, Duo. No one could.

There will always be thorns – obstacles, injuries, pain. Wherever I am, these things invariably follow.

That's the one constant in my life.

And that why – that's how – I know that I will never truly be able to let myself go, and tell Duo everything that he thinks now that he wants to hear.

Because, one day he'll wake up, and realize all the thorns that he will inevitably encounter if he persists in spending his life with me.

And he will leave.

And the more that I share with him now, the more devastating his eventual departure will be.


But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake

He fusses over my hand for another moment, then looks up at me.

"I think you'll make it through," he informs me solemnly, grinning up at me.

I nod agreement. I've certainly had worse.

His expression sobers. "I'm sorry. I thought I'd gotten all the thorns," he apologizes quietly.

I stare down at him, a bit confused although the bewildered frown I feel doesn't crease my forehead. Why is Duo, of all people, apologizing to me?

"I want to get rid of all the thorns for you," he tells me gently, and my heart speeds up as I realize that he's no longer talking merely about flowers. "And I'll try…if you let me," he adds meaningfully.

I can only stare at him. I think I forget to breathe.

If I let him.

Can it really be that simple? Will he really stay, really protect me, if I just…give him permission? If I tell him I want to, show him I want him by telling him the things that…that I need to tell him, and he needs to hear, though neither of us really want to share any of this 4information?

He's staring at me again, his eyes holding mine. I can't look away from him.

Could I really keep him that way?

And conversely – if I don't 'let' him strip away thorns for me…will that drive him away?

I thought confessing my past to him would make him leave me…could it be the other way around?

That would be the bitterest irony of all. If I refused to tell him of my past to keep him with me, and that very reticence drove him away.

So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

I close my eyes for a moment, concentrating on breathing. I can feel my heart hammering in my chest as adrenaline courses through my bloodstream to every area of my body. I can feel my very fingertips tingling with tension.

I need to tell him.

He needs to know.

I thought that not telling him would keep him…but now I don't know.

I just don't know what's best to do.

I can only….I can only take him at face value. Do what he says he wants from me, because I have no idea what I really should do.

I hate this lack of control, this lack of understanding. I want to sit back in my corner and hide.

But I won't.

I'll tell him – tell Duo of all the horror I've spent years trying to keep hidden from the rest of the world. From myself.

And maybe he'll do what he says – maybe he'll protect me from those thorns too, like the prince who fought through the thicket to wake up the one sleeping within.

Or maybe, faced by the many sharp barbs, he'll turn and ride away, seeking easier conquests.

I don't know. I'm comparing myself to a god-damned fairy tale princess.

I'm pathetic.

I'll tell him.

But if he leaves…I'm done.

There will be no more Trowa. I think…at that point, even Nanashi would cease to exist.


And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen

I look around the clearing, and see that the others have gone. The patterns of sunlight on the grass have moved a little. I must have been struggling silently with myself for longer than I thought.

I look at Duo, and he's staring at me, his eyes concerned…but steady. He's silently offering me…comfort, caring, support…whatever I need.

When did he become so amazing? I loved him…but I didn't know there was this core of strength inside him that he's shown me in the last months. At least, I knew it was there…but I didn't know he would let anyone else – me – draw on it like this.

I close my eyes again. I can't look at him while I say the things I have to. I can't see horror and disgust and pity chase each other across his open features when I tell him about the things I've done and seen and been.

I can't bear to look at Duo when I speak those words.

He's not of that time. He never could be. And I don't in any way want to associate the image I have of him with the images I have of then.

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

I start to speak suddenly, abruptly. I always thought that when I told these stories I would fumble, hesitate. That shame and embarrassment and the sheer indignity of it all would cause me to stumble over the words. That I'd have to fight to get them out.

I always imagined that, if I ever got up the nerve to tell Duo – to tell anyone – of that time, it would take days, weeks…years.

But I start to speak…and I can't stop.

I repeat the story of the death of the Captain, and tell him of the new group I joined. I tell him of that first night, when they pressed me into the dirt and took me and used me like an animal and beat me until I bled. I tell him of countless other nights after that, things that were said and done and what they said to me and of me. I tell him how I finally escaped them and got to L3, only to have it all begin again…

I talk until I realize that my throat is raw, and my cheeks are wet with tears. I feel his hand in mine, and another hand on my back, feel his shoulder hard and solid under my cheek. I hadn't been aware that he was touching me, hadn't realized that he'd pulled me against him and supported me while I spoke.

While I told him…everything.

Up until this morning, there had been only one person in the world who knew the story of my life, and that person was me.

Now, there are two.

Duo.

Duo knows more about me now than anyone else in the world.

He knows everything.


So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make

I finally stop talking, and sit there silently, in the circle of his half-embrace. I feel the tension in his body, so close to mine. This is the first time since before everything fell so abruptly to pieces that I have been so close to another person for so long.

Before today, physical contact made me flinch. I would tense, and wait for the natural progression of the contact into something I didn't want.

But…I don't have that fear now.

I am here, and Duo is touching me, and I told him everything…but it's all right.

It's…good. That's the way it should be.

It's…what I want. Me, and Duo, with no secrets or distance – emotional or physical – between us.

It's all I want.

Duo is all I want.

I know that now. I don't even know why I struggled against it for so long.

If I had my way, it would be just that – me and Duo, together, for the rest of my life.

But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

We sit there for a long time, and slowly, the warm feeling of rightness inside me starts to fade away.

Duo still feels so…tense against me.

Maybe…maybe it was too much.

Maybe I shouldn't have told him.

Maybe the certainty that I felt a few minutes ago was false, wrong, deceiving.

I want there to be nothing more than me and Duo for the rest of forever.

But…what if that's not what he wants?

I can't force him to stay with me.

And if he wants to leave….to leave…me…

I can't stop him.

I can't keep him.


And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

I knew it. I knew this would happen. I knew that he wouldn't want me if he knew…

Who would want me? Who would want this? How could I ever, ever think that anyone in the world would want to tie themselves to someone like me…someone dirty and tarnished and weak…

I start to pull away. I want to stay, to prolong this last moment a little bit longer, but the longer we stay here the harder it will be to eventually pull away.

It'll be hard enough now. To go on without him, knowing that he knew everything about me and judged me unworthy…I don't think I can go on…

I know I don't want to.

I start to pull away….but his hand tightens on mine, and the hand on my back holds me in place. Surprised, my eyes flicker open, and he's staring down at me, his violet eyes shadowed and unreadable in the moonlight.

We stare at each other for a long time, unmoving, as the soft sounds of the forest at night rustle around us.

"Trowa…" he whispers finally, and his voice sounds foreign, alien, out of place in this moonlit glen.

"Thank you…for letting me know you," he whispers.

He lowers his head, and his shadow falling over my face blots out the moonlight, and for a moment I panic. I can't stand more darkness, I can't bear to be covered in more shadow…

Then…I feel a soft touch against my mouth. The pressure deepens slightly, and I gasp as I realize what's happening.

Duo…is kissing me.

He knows everything…and he's kissing me.

And, at least for one moment more, he's mine, here in the moonlight, and I don't care any more about the shadows or the darkness.

~Owari~

Trowa: Well, damn!

Shoori: Hmm?

Trowa: For once, that was almost not pathetic.

Duo: Well, I was being a bit of a jackass…

Shoori: Not really, dear. You were just processing.

Quatre (petulantly): I'm changing my name to "Sir Not Appearing in This Fic."

Wufei: I'm not dipleased about that, actually.

Heero (darkly): I am displeased.

Shoori: What? You didn't to be married to Relena, did you?

Zechs (breezily): Yeah, lambchop. Lighten up.

Heero: Do. Not. Call. Me. Lambchop.

Zechs (soothingly): Ok, peaches.

Heero: Zechs…

Zechs: Muffin?

Heero: Omae o…

Shoori: Come on, Heero! I wanted you to be happy!

Heero: So why'd you hook me up with him?!

Zechs: Because I am the sexiest blonde god ever born!!!!

Quatre: Ahem.

Zechs: Don't fool yourself, honey.

Wufei: I think Quatre's sexy…

Zechs: He's cute at best, and you all know it.

Shoori: Anyway…about the story…

Duo: It's still kind of undecided…

Shoori: Yeah….I'll probably have another.

Trowa: To what song?

Shoori: Um…I have no idea…

Duo: You mean, I don't get any action until the next fic and you HAVEN'T CHOSEN A SONG?!?!

Shoori: Who say's you'll get action then?

Duo: That's it – you'd better run…

Trowa: That's getting a bit trite…

Duo: C'mere and I'll show you trite, big guy…

Quatre: Oh my….