All I Could Say Was "Whoops"
by Tracy (Biancaheart@yahoo.com)

Category: Kyle POV

Rating: PG13

Spoilers: "Michael & The Great Snapple Caper"

Summary: A chance encounter in a store causes Kyle to muse on life.

Disclaimer: Don't own Roswell. It's been a weird day, Don't sue.



All I could say was "whoops".

My life is a shambles. I have no idea where I want to go next year, what I want to be. I don't even have a clue about next week.

My life..it's been complicated lately to say the least. I've been forced into the middle of a bunch of problems, problems I didn't need. Problems I didn't want. But the thing about problems is that you're rarely asked if you want them. They're heaped on you in life. And you always get seconds, even if you choose to abstain. Have some more problems. Go ahead. Eat up, you're only a kid. You can handle them. You'll bounce back fast.

You wander around, searching for normal, searching for something that makes a lick of sense, and there's nothing. Everything's turned into some big giant crossword puzzle, one of those in the newspaper that you can never fully figure out. I always thought that as you got older, things remained the same, and you were able to handle it better because you were used to them. It's not that way. The rules change on you when you get older. Things aren't black and white anymore. It's all grey. Freaking Gray, it colors everything so badly that rose colored glasses seldom help.

Is it depression? Not quite. I don't want to kill myself. It's like some part of me has died, and I'm mourning it. I don't feel anymore, feel some things that I think I should feel. I want to feel alive, feel sensations. I'm sick of being numb.

War.

After the alien invasion, I took comfort in the real world. In the magazines, the wide wonderful world that existed outside of Roswell, outside myself. That was tarnished this fall. Bad guys can be of any species, they don't have to come in a spaceship from another planet. Getting rid of alien enemies won't erase evil. As soon as one evil guy dies, another arises to take his place.

I started in Buddhism looking for answers. I haven't found any.

Right now, I don't even know the questions.

I wonder how much I can take. How much more is going to happen. When the other shoe is going to drop.

And I don't know a thing.

Today, I walked into the quickie mart. Getting some milk and other munchies because Dad can't seem to think about anything but himself these days. Maybe he misses Tess too.

Isabel was standing there, making out in a mini-mart with this older guy. One I've never seen before.

I mean, of all the places to make out, a mini-mart?

I thought Isabel and I were friends, at least somewhat. We hung out a lot over the summer.

I guess not.

But I'm not too good with guessing games.

I saw her there in the store.

I dropped the milk.

And all I could say is "Whoops."