Disclaimer: I don't own anything Harry Potter. JK Rowling does J
Rating: I don't know…PG?
Authors Note: My very first piece of fanfic. It's basically my thoughts this afternoon….a very rushed piece of writing that simply came to me and I felt I had to write. I'm very surprised that the first person I'm writing about is Ginny – she's not a character I actually think about an awful lot. I'm usually more of a Harry/Draco, Remus/Sirius girl J
I actually an 17 year old anorexic attempting recovery so these are just some of my thoughts that I think could apply to Ginny pretty well. Please review and feel free to criticise all you want – I would be grateful to hear what you think, good or bad!
Notice me
All I can think of is why don't they notice? Notice I'm fading away, albeit slowly one day at a time. I mean Ron who's so protective in every single annoying way can't see that I feel like I'm dying inside. He laughs and jokes entirely wrapped up in his world of Qudditch, Hermione and Harry. Harry…surely he would see through all of this…who am I kidding, Harry notices me even less than Ron. To him I'm just Ron's shy little sister.
I wonder if it would really affect anyone if I died. I know they would all mourn and cry for a while but I know in my heart that after a while everyone would carry on with their lives and forget the littlest Weasley ever existed. I always wanted someone to be unable to live without me, to depend on me and be unable to leave me. One by one all my brothers left the house to come to Hogwarts all excited about leaving home, forgetting that they were leaving someone behind. I thought all this would end once I'd joined them here, but sitting amongst the mass of students in the Great Hall I feel very much alone. Everyone is laughing and chatting – there is so much noise and food I can't bear it. Everything at Hogwarts revolves around food…feasts, sweets and chocolate. How long has it been since I've eaten chocolate? And yet I look around comparing myself to others and some are thinner than I yet gorging themselves on all the things I can't touch. I've tried to break out of the cycle of starving myself…but somehow I always end up right here – terrified of gaining weight. I feel as though if I eat anything I won't be able to stop. I love watching others eat though, giving them my cakes and fudge and sweets with the knowledge of the exact fat and calories they are consuming.
I know I need help with this but I cannot ask for it. It would be forcing people to notice me. They would be disappointed in me, I know they would though they may not say it– they wouldn't be able to understand my problem. I'm not entirely ready to give this up either, at times I am secretly glad no one has noticed; this way I can carry on.
It's getting harder for me to eat anything at all. First it started with restricting a little, not eating all the cakes and sweets that my brothers get from the kitchens. Now I can barely eat anything at all, and if I do I feel extremely guilty and I force myself to exercise until I've burnt far more calories than consumed. I'm scared about what's happening to me…I don't want to die. It started with just wanting to look a little thinner and more beautiful and desirable, but now I'm losing my hair especially when washing and brushing it. I run my hands through my once thick but soft hair and the lifeless strands come out so easily. My hair…my one beauty that stands me out from the rest of the family…. the auburn curls that belong to me only are leaving me. I'm always cold now…. especially my feet and hands and I can hardly sleep, often waking in the early hours of the morning, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. I used to dream about Harry, kissing me, making love to me…now I think of the food I don't allow myself. I am so very tired and my periods have gone….as have my breasts. I lie awake at night feeling my protruding bones making sure they are still there, my hips and collarbones…my ribs….for they are my only comfort that I am in someway succeeding. I often get up to look in the mirror. I remember a time when I never looked in mirrors; never thought about my appearance. Sometimes I see a huge me with a large stomach and fat thighs, other times I see an unhappy weak emaciated girl. It's like the voices in my head – one telling me I'm harming myself and that I'm hungry and should eat, the other telling me that this makes me powerful and that I'm doing well. I know which is telling the truth…I simply cannot make the other leave. And so I wait. For someone to banish the anorexic voice causing me so much pain.
I may continue this, with someone noticing her behaviour (may not be Harry! – give me your ideas on who you think should)