Kuro Neko Is Not Enough
By:Majin Vegeta
All righty, it's time for me to serve up some Trigun fun once again! This time around you might think that you see a little plot coming in somewhere, but I assure you that it's just your wild imagination playing tricks on you again. (Either that...or it's from some drug related thing, but I'd doubt my swell readers would do stuff like *that!* ^_^).
Note:This is again non-canon. Also, this fic would be best read with a martini, shaken, not stirred. Keep that in mind. (Yes, my Trigun ficcys are gonna have James Bond type themes...at least the stuff before the fic will.) And yes, there is going to be another motif like the last fic...don't let it scare you kiddies.
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Welcome back to the wonderful world of Trigun, a world where you'll feel the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Okay, so you won't really feel any thrill or agony here...I lied. However, you will be able to witness some great spectacles that are truly....uhhhh great and stuff. Anyway, enter the town of Nekoburg, a site of great splendor. Now, it was probably called Nekoburg because the fanfic author couldn't think of a *good* name, but that's not important. What was important however was the fact that the evil Dr. Catnapper was hatching a plan to steal the Trigun mascot cat right out of Vash's hands....or whoever you say owned that cat, anyway.
::With that minor plot detail finished (okay, there is a *little* plot slipped in), we enter the evil Dr. Catnapper's secret lair....a *large* tower on the outskirts of Nekoburg. Now, if this secret lair didn't seem secret enough, it had several large neon signs around it that said 'THIS IS NOT THE SECRET LAIR OF THE EVIL DR. CATNAPPER, GO AWAY!'. *Ahem.* Anyway, let's enter this hard to find secret lair::
In the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::The evil Dr. Catnapper has a big ol' lab set up which he is currently wandering around in. He has all kinds of cats in said lab. Following the evil doctor is a short little man in a white tuxedo named Mr. Meow::
Dr. Catnapper:Ah yes, I almost completed my collection of rare cat specimens! However, there is one important kitty missing Mr. Meow! I'm missing the mascot feline from Trigun, Kuro Neko! I must have Kuro Neko at *ALL* costs.
Mr. Meow:Yes, boss, but I'm gonna need money to pay for some of those costs. For example, what if I find this precious cat in a pet store doctor? I'd need to pay for it, right?Dr. Catnapper: ::Arches eyebrows:: Are *you* kidding? What kind of an evil sidekick are you? Pay for something from a store, sheesh! Next you'll tell me that it's wrong to take candy from babies!
Mr. Meow:But it is wrong...
Dr. Catnapper:Oh hush! ::Grunts:: If you really need money to buy the cat, here you go. ::Hands Mr. Meow a large black envelope that reads 'Catboy Subscription' on it::
Mr. Meow:Uhhhh boss, I don't think this is the right one. ::Whispers:: By the way, check out the spread of Miss Purrfect (pun intended! ^_^) on page 34 in issue #23 when you get it, but don't tell anybody I told you that.
Dr. Catnapper: ::Blinks, nods, and blinks again for no apparent reason:: Oh right, my bad! ::Grabs that black envelop from Mr. Meow and hands him a big white envelop labeled 'Stolen Money from Monopoly Bank'::
Mr. Meow:Ummmm sir, Monopoly money can't be cashed...
Dr. Catnapper:Oh right. ::Snatches the second envelop from Mr. Meow and hands him a large red and white striped envelop labeled 'Project Cat in the Hat Fund':: There you go, this is the correct money! You'll find that the currency is in $$60,000,000 Canadian...converted into normal currency it's about $$150.
Mr. Meow: ::Looks through the envelope and nods:: Yep, that's correct sir.
Dr. Catnapper:All righty Mr. Meow, off you go!
::Mr. Meow nods and hops into the 'Cat's in the Cradle Airplane' and flies out of the evil doctor's lair...all the while about half the people living in Nekoburg notice the big plane flying out of the *not* so secret lair::Dr. Catnapper:Soon Kuro Neko will be mine, all mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::Stops laughing maniacally:: Note to self, use money from the game of Life for Mr. Meow's next paycheck.
Meanwhile at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
::Did I forget to mention where Vash and company were? Well, they were at this place called the Black Cat Bar and Grill...as I previously stated. Anyway, the Trigun crew were all there and stuff. Ummm Meryl and Milly were both siting at a table eating a steak diner and such, Wolfwood was just leaning in the corner of the room doing nothing in particular, and Vash was at the bar next to Kuro Neko. Vash was drinking some ALCOHOL (dun, dun, dun!)::
Yeah so anyway, that was the semi-plot and stuff...so like ummm let's start this shindig shall we?
Vash:Hey barkeep, can I get another Persian Kitty Brew ::Hiccups:: and an 'Uh-oh! Chinese Surprise!' Side Dish?
::The barkeeper blinks::
Barkeep:Well fella, you need to pay first. ::Points to the sign that says 'Pay First, Try to Sue and Lose Money Later':: That policy saves our butts.
Vash:All righty. ::Hiccups:: Oh, and get me the same order for my friend here! ::Pats the stool next to him where nobody is sitting::
Barkeep:Riiiight, he has to pay first too. ::Facefaults::
Vash:Here ya ::Hiccups:: go! ::Grabs some money from his pocket and puts it on the table::Barkeep:Okay, I'll get your stuff in a second. ::Takes the money and runs (no, don't even think about singing the song! NO! Just kidding...)::
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice.....errr I mean...
Wolfwood:Wow, I look *so* cool leaning in this corner doing nothing in particular. I should keep this up.
::A legion of Nick fans then proceed to protest this fic for lack of their beloved Wolfwood, the pervs. (Kidding, kidding. ^_^)::
And now back to the semi-story...I suppose...
::The barkeeper comes back with two bottles of generic beer (the kind with the 'X' marks on them) and two little Chinese food containers::
Barkeep:Here ya go fella, enjoy your meal...it was delivered all the way from the Really Super Happy Garden and Movie Rental Store in downtown Orientville. ::Sets down the food and such and goes away from this fic forever::
Vash:Yeah, ::Hiccups:: thanks for the grub. ::Starts chugging that generic beer I told ya about before and then he opens the food container and finds....nothing but soy sauce and fortune cookies (I bet ya thought I was gonna say cat meat, didn't ya? Nope, nope).:: AHHHH! This is a surprise!
Meanwhile, at Milly and Meryl's table...
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: You can't take that guy anywhere, I swear.
Milly: I dunno ma'am, I think that's supposed to be what happens when you order that dish.
Meryl:That makes no sense....
Anyway, since we have basically no action occurring over here....let's go back to our pal Wolfwood...
Wolfwood:Wow, Vash looks so dumb screaming out in surprise. I bet he wishes he could be as cool as *me* leaning in this corner doing nothing in particular.
::Those Wolfwood fans are *still* protesting this fic for some obscure reason::
And now back to something that is sorta important to the story...
Vash: ::Hiccups:: Boy oh boy, those Chinese people who make this stuff ::Hiccups:: really know how to surprise a guy!
::A guy with one of those cool Chinese hats on walks by::
Guy with the Cool Hat (who will now be known as only GWTCH):You bet'cha!
Vash:Well, that was ::Hiccups:: random.
GWTCH:Yep, yep! Now I'll go back to China! See ya! ::Starts digging a hole to China...for some reason::
::Suddenly, the sound of an airplane can be heard outside and stuff. Then the whole building starts shaking and stuff. The inhabitants of the Black Cat Bar and Grill all walked outside (yes, even Vash, who was still a little drunk, and Wolfwood did so as well. That's right folks, he gave up his 'perch' on the corner).
::As you would have guessed by now, if you haven't stopped reading at this very point because of all my references to cats and stuff, the 'Cat's in the Cradle' airplane...which belongs to Mr. Meow in case you forgot, was the very airplane that was making all that noise. Oh, and please guys...don't mind my run-on sentences.::
Mr. Meow: ::Opens up the cockpit by flipping a switch and takes out a walkie talkie:: This cat has landed on the hot tin roof, over.
::Inaudible sounds come from the walkie talkie::
Mr. Meow:All right, roger copy over and out sir! ::Jumps out of his plane and tosses his walkie talkie aside:: Hello everybody! I am here to claim Kuro Neko!
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: Why would anybody want a cat *that* badly?
Vash: ::Hiccups:: What's a guy doing flying a ::Hiccups:: car out in the middle of the ocean, anyway?
Wolfwood: ::Facefaults:: You guys shouldn't let him go to bars anymore.
Meryl:I know, I know.
Mr. Meow:HEY! I'm the one that the plot is focusing on here people! Come on, I'm the evil ::Dramatic music plays:: guy!
Milly:You don't look too evil to me!
Mr. Meow:Well I am! Now hand over Kuro Neko or else I'll use the....CAT NIP!
::Vash-tachi all sweatdrop, even the drunken Vash because he just happens to be a part of his own group...silly!::
Vash:You six can't have ::Hiccups:: my kitty! ::Points at Mr. Meow::
Mr. Meow:There's only one of me, baka!
Vash:I think I know how to ::Hiccups:: count to six, officer!
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: Drunken fool. ::Grunts:: NOW HAND OVER KURO NEKO!!!!!
Wolfwood: ::Shrugs:: You can have the damn cat, I don't want him! You just got to go get him...and his kitty litter, and his cat food, and his toys, and you can't forget his contract for $$50,000,000,000 for starring in Trigun episodes...
Mr. Meow:Errrr, do I have to really get all of that stuff?
Wolfwood:Yep, he won't leave without any of it.
Mr. Meow: ::Grumbles:: This is going to be a long kitty-robbing day.
Vash:That's why you shouldn't ::Hiccups:: rob days from innocent cats!
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: Don't you mean rob innocent cats from their owners?
Vash:Errr, I suppose. ::Hiccups:: Don't worry Mindy, I'll save the dog!
Meryl:MY NAME IS MERYL AND IT'S A CAT!
Vash:Okay, okay. Sorry, Kat. ::Hiccups::
Meryl:Oh forget it.
Vash: Hey Mr. Kitty Man, do you know ::Hiccups:: Felix or Garfield?
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: What does *that* have to do with anything? Geez!!!! That does it, I'm getting the cat if you guys like it or not! ::Pulls out his SECRET WEAPON (tm) which is the SUPER DUPER ULTRA POWERFUL CAT NIP OF DOOM (tm):: Haha! Now who's laughing? With my SUPER DUPER ULTRA POWERFUL CAT NIP OF DOOM (tm), I will be able to get Kuro Neko! Mwahahahaha, mwahaha, mwaha, ha!
::While Mr. Meow was laughing like the crazy cat (hey, look at me, I fit in hippie slang into the fic) that he was, Milly shot one of those thingies from her gun...which pretty much knocked the cat nip with the really stupid name out of Mr. Meow's hands::
Milly:Now I guess you can't use that cat nip!
Mr. Meow:Oh no! ::Starts pouting:: Not the SUPER DUPER ULTRA...
Wolfwood:We got the point...
Mr. Meow:FINE! Not my cat nip! THAT DOES IT! NOW I MUST USE A WEAPON *SO* SECRET, THAT NOT EVEN *I* KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!
We now interrupt your fic with a news flash...
::A random Trigun type dude is sitting at a desk and is dressed up in a suit and stuff::Random Trigun Type Dude:Good evening, I am Bob Feline. We just got word that Mr. Meow is using a super secret weapon. We'd go live at the sight, but we can't afford to hire cameramen and roaming reporters. We will give you more on this story as it develops. Thank you, and remember to watch the ten o'clock news with Bob Feline and Anna Pussycat!
We now interrupt your news flash for your fic...
Vash: ::Hiccups:: Can we play charades to find out what it is?
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops, yet again:: No, you can't play charades to find out what it is! I don't even know what it is, moron!
Vash:Oh, okay. ::Hiccups:: So can I borrow that thing over the weekend?
Mr. Meow:Ummm, sure. ::Blinks:: Wait a second, NO!!!!!!!!
Meryl:Wow, Vash almost outsmarted this guy when he was drunk. That says a lot about him, doesn't it?
Wolfwood:Yeah, anyone with feline type names has got to be pretty dumb. People with more canine type names are usually really smart, on the other hand!
Meryl:Riiiight.
Wolfwood:That's why I'm moving to Inugrad, because people with feline type names are so *dumb!*
Mr. Meow: ::Growls:: How dare you say that! You aren't allowed to switch the theme of the motif in the middle of the story! Your 'Dog City', Inugrad, is not allowed to in this fic! So ha!
Wolfwood:Ummm, okay whatever. ::Points his double cross gun at Mr. Meow::
Mr. Meow:AHHHHH! Don't shoot!!!!
We now interrupt your fic with another breaking news flash...
::A random Trigun type chick is now sitting at the news desk, moaning out in delight every few moments. On the desk are that Bob Feline dude's shoes::
Random Trigun Type Chick:Hello, I am Anna Pussycat and I'm incredibly hot. ::Moans out in delight, LOUDLY:: Oh yeah! This just in, Wolfwood doesn't have any bullets! OH YEAH, KEEP IT UP BOB!!!!! THAT'S THE GOOD SPOT, BOB, KEEP GOING! FASTER, FASTER, HARDER, HARDER, OOOOOOH!!!! OH YEAH, KEEP IT UP BOB!!! WHO'S YOUR MOMMA, WHO'S YOUR MOMMA?!?!?!?! OOOOOOOH!!!!!
::The camera pans back and shows that the Bob dude is washing Anna's hair with 'Herbal Essences for Kitties'. So no, what you thought was happened wasn't really happening. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter you pervert!::
We now return you to your regularly scheduled fic...
Wolfwood: ::Pulls the trigger on his gun, only to find out that it is indeed out of bullets:: Damn, I *am* out of bullets!
Milly:That's why I tell you always to watch the news, Wolfwood-san! ::Smiles::
Wolfwood:Heh, yeah. I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm fighting a moronic feline named person.
Mr. Meow:Oh wow, this stuff ::Hiccups:: *does* taste really good Vash!
::Milly, Meryl, and Wolfwood all sweatdrop when they realize what had happened. If you can't figure it out from my subtleties, well let me lay it out for you. VASH GOT MR. MEOW DRUNK AS AN ALCOHOLIC CHEETAH!::
Vash:I told ::Hiccups:: ya it tasted like a donut!
Mr. Meow:Yeah! These Doughnut Snops rule! ::Hiccups::Vash: ::Starts singing in that irritating drunken voice:: Nobody knows how dry I am, nobody knows how dry I am.
Wolfwood:Well, now that the bad guy is 'defeated', I guess we can end this dumb fic.
::Everybody waits for the fic to end, but it doesn't::Wolfwood:Damn it! This means we'll be exposed to more stupidity!
Meryl:It figures.
Meanwhile, back in the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::The 'good' doctor is sitting in front of a monitor. He suddenly notices that his 'Mr. Meow Got Drunk While Trying to Capture Kuro Neko' signal is flashing in the bottom right hand of the screen.::Dr. Catnapper:Ahhhh! How can that fool get drunk while he was trying to capture Kuro Neko?!?!?!? Bah! Now I'll have to get someone new to do the job! Hmmmm, this looks like a job for the Kittyfriends! ::Claps hands::
::Suddenly, a yellow and black blur runs into the room. This is none other than Kit the Super Sonic Cheetah.::
Kit: ::Speaks *really* fast:: Hi Doctor, how are you today? What do you need my help for? Can I get you some coffee? How about a mouse? Do you need me to slow down my tempo a bit? What's that button do? Do you want to Cheetos? You know I'm related to Chester the Cheetah!
Dr. Catnapper: ::Sweatdrops:: Yes, talk SLOWER!!!
Kit:Okay, will do doc!
::Next, the ceiling is ripped off and a big, black panther jumps in. This is none other than Carolina the ex-mascot of the Carolina Panthers::Carolina:HI SIR!!!! I WILL DO ANY JOB YOU ASK OF ME!!!
Dr. Catnapper:Will you just stop SHOUTING?
Carolina:Okay!
::Finally, an orange and yellow creature rolls in to the room. This is, of course, none other than Tabby the Terrible Talking Tiger::
Tabby:Hi sir! It is I, Tabby the Terrible Talking Tiger, master of alteration!
Dr. Catnapper:Shut up Tabby, it only occurred once!
Tabby:All right! Fine, you fiendish freak of a fabulous foe!
Dr. Catnapper:That doesn't even make sense. ::Blinks:: Anyway Kittyfriends, capture Kuro Neko and I'll raise your salary fifteen hundred percent!!!!
Carolina:So we'll make....::Gets out a calculator and pounds the keys a lot:: $$5.00 more.
Kit:Whoo-hoo, five more double dollars! We'll take it!
Tabby:Yeah! More money may make us miserable morons get motivated much more!
Everybody but Tabby:Tabby, shut up!
Dr. Catnapper:Now then Kittyfriends, go get me Kuro Neko! NOW!!!!
::The Kittyfriends jump into the Cowardly Lion Helicopter and head towards the Black Cat Bar and Grill::
Dr. Catnapper:Haha! Kuro Neko is as good as mine. Hmmmm, I wonder if those idiots will figure out that that extra $$5.00 I told them I'd give them is in old Friskas coupons that expired. Oh well, who cares!
Back at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
Mr. Meow:Wow Vash ::Hiccups:: you're really the man! I'm sorry I tried to steal ::Hiccups:: Kuro Neko from you guys!
Vash:That's okay man, but you're not getting my ::Hiccups:: Bud Light!
Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: Awwww man!
Milly:You know, I think something is going to happen in about five lines.
Meryl:Why do you think that?
Milly:I don't know, I just do.
Wolfwood:Don't be silly, we all ready got rid of the 'evil' guy this fic! How can something else happen in about five lines? Well...now it's about two lines.
Milly:I dunno, I just think something is gonna happen.
Vash: ::Burps:: Oops, sorry.
Milly: ::Sweatdrops:: That's not what I meant, either.
::Suddenly, the Cowardly Lion Helicopter lands predictably outside the Black Cat Bar and Grill. The Kittyfriends all jump out and head to the restaurant (which offers good food at an affordable price!)::
Wolfwood:Well Milly, I guess you're right. Something *is* happening!
Milly:I knew it!
::Kit comes into the restaurant first, followed by Carolina and the Terrible Talking Tiger with Terrific Timbre::
Kit:Give us Kuro Neko or I will talk really fast!
Carolina:Yeah! Give us Kuro Neko or I'll send you back to the litter box!
Tabby:Yeah, you yearning yellow yankees!
Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: Oh no, it's the Kittyfriends!!! Vash, protect the Doughnut Snops from them!
Vash:Don't worry 'bout it ::Hiccups:: Mr. Meow.
Wolfwood:Here we go again. By the way, what did that tiger guy call us, exactly?Meryl:I'm not sure.
Kit:Give us Kuro Neko, now now now now now now now now! ::Runs around at super-sonic speeds::
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: You can't *have* Kuro Neko, because he's *OUR* mascot! And you aren't allowed to annoy us with commercial jingles, either! It's against the law of decency, man, the law of decency!!!
Milly:Yeah!
Meryl:Yeah!
Vash:Yeah, that elephant is ::Hiccups:: the best talk show host our show ever had!
::Everyone in the room sweatdrops::
Carolina:That's too bad, 'cause we're gonna take your kitten *and* his mittens!
Tabby:Carolina, cease chatting with chartreuse cliches!
Wolfwood:I swear, that tiger guy makes *no* sense.
Milly:Hmmmm, maybe we can put that tiger in our tank to make our car go faster, Wolfwood-san.
Meryl: ::Counts:: There's another company that can pretty much sue us. Are you guys sure you don't want to make a joke about a certain cereal tiger?
Vash: ::Hiccups:: They're crrrrrrrrrate!!!! Hey! Where'd all the Frosted Donutballs go?
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: This is such a bad attempt at humor.
Kit: ::Whining:: Heeeeey, stop ignoring us you guys!!!!! ::Stops running at his super sonic speeds:: We just want Kuro Neko!
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: These guys ::Hiccups:: aren't paying attention to the ::Hiccups:: Kittyfriends, oi!
Carolina:Yeah you guys, just give us Kuro Neko or else you'll be counting your chickens before they hatch!
Tabby: ::Grunts:: Tolerating trite trysts is terribly....trite!
::Everyone looks at Tabby strangely because they have no idea what the hell he just meant::
Carolina:Right, so anyway, give us the cat and you won't get hurt!
Wolfwood: ::Grunts:: Why don't any of these people understand that they just can't take our mascot? ::Sweatdrops::
Milly:Yeah, if you want Kuro Neko you have to get all his stuff too! It's the law!!!
Kit:What are ya talking about? I don't see no law anywhere! Therefore, it must not be a law!
Milly:It's written right there. ::Points at the wall::Kit: ::Looks at the wall and curses:: D'oh, it is a law!
Tabby:We wily weasels won't waive our wicked ways!
Carolina:Wow, I understood what Tabby said for once! ::Chuckles:: He's right, we won't waive our wicked ways! We'll just take your black cat!
Kit:I'll get him! ::Runs towards Kuro Neko in a blur::Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: I can't let them take Kuro Neko! ::Hiccups:: I won't let you have the cat, Kit!
We now interrupt your fic for a random commercial interlude...
::A random guy walks by::Random Guy: ::Singing:: Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!
We now return you to our regularly scheduled fic...
Mr. Meow: ::Facefaults:: What a predictable joke. ::Hiccups:: Take this Kit! ::Tosses his hat at the blur of Kit, yep, just like that one dude from that one James Bond movie. ^_^::
::The hat hits Kit (wow, it rhymes!) and it stops him, which basically makes him fall over and stuff like that::Kit:@_@ Owie, that nice white hat is a deadly garment. I think I'll just rest. ::Lays down and takes a 'cat nap'::
Vash:Hooray for derbies ::Hiccups:: and Doughnut Snoops!
Meryl:No, Vash, that wasn't a *derby!* That was a cap!
Milly:Meryl-san, it was actually a beret...
Wolfwood:Don't be silly, that cat guy was wearing a skullcap!
Carolina: ::Arches an eyebrow:: Who really cares?
Meryl:Your friend probably does...
Carolina:Screw Kit, he was a moron anyway!
Meryl:Riiiiight.
Carolina:Now I'll be taking Kuro Neko! ::Picks up a bar table with his super-duper strength (wow!) and chucks it at Vash-tachi::
Vash:Uh-oh, this doesn't look too ::Hiccups:: good! ::Points his gun at the bar table and shots it with amazing accuracy for a drunk person. The bar table then proceeds to fall apart because it was made out of cheap wood::
Carolina:That tears it!
Tabby: ::Sweatdrops:: I beseech you to becalm boring, banal, brusque blurts!
Carolina: ::Punches Tabby and knocks his lights out:: Baka!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolfwood:That was bound to happen eventually.
Mr. Meow:I guess I owe ya a ::Hiccups:: beer then, buddy.
Wolfwood:Yep, it looks that way!
Carolina:You fools, I'm not done with you yet! ::Starts doing mascot like dances::
::Predictably, the other bar patrons start tossing empty beer bottles and other things at the dancing ex-mascot::Carolina:Ow! Ow! Ow! NOOOOO! The Kittyfriends have been defeated! Damn you people!!! GO PANTHERS!!!!
Milly:I told you something was going to happen, didn't I? By the way guys, I still think something is going to happen...
Wolfwood:Yeah, I'm sure there is some evil guy with a dumb name behind all of this...just like last time. By the way Mr. Meow, how did you stop that speeding cheetah with your skullcap?
Meryl:It was a cap!!!
Milly:No, it was a beret!
Wolfwood:Whatever, it was *so* a skullcap. So, how did you do it?
Mr. Meow: ::Shrugs:: I dunno, it just sorta worked. I forgot to bring my exploding tie with me, so I thought I might as well throw my hat to see if it did anything.
Vash: ::Sweatdrops:: If that didn't work then Kuro Neko would have been theirs!
Mr. Meow:Errr yeah.
Vash: ::Blinks:: Hey, we're sober! When did *that* happen?
Wolfwood: ::Shrugs:: The author probably got tired of typing all of those hiccups you guys were doing.
Vash:Hmmm, that seems like a logical explanation. But it almost seems *too* logical! Ah-ha, you're not really Wolfwood are you? You're....::Tries to pull of Wolfwood's 'mask'::
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: Would you knock that off?!?!?!
Vash:...really Wolfwood. ::Facefaults:: Oops.
Meryl:It's hard to believe that Vash has that $$60,000,000,000 bounty on his head sometimes.
Milly: ::Nods:: Tell me about it Meryl-san.
Mr. Meow:Wow, I could buy a *lot* of kitty litter with that much money!
::Nobody pays Mr. Meow any mind. In fact, he gets pushed out of the fic because he is ignored so much::
Meanwhile, back in the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::Dr. Catnapper is still sitting in front of the same monitor as before. He soon notices that the 'All Three of the Kittyfriends Have Been Defeated in Interesting Manners!' signal is flashing in the bottom left of his screen. He then notices that his 'Mr. Meow has Left the Fic!' signal is also flashing::
Dr. Catnapper:Damn it, I should have known my evil cohorts would eventually fail and/or leave the fic because they were being ignored a lot. Hmmm, on the other hand, at least I don't have to pay anybody...
::Suddenly the cast of 'Cats' enters the room::Dr. Catnapper:No, I don't want you losers to get Kuro Neko! Now go back to your stage and entertain me when I get there!
::The cast of 'Cats' soon goes away, making it obvious that I wanted to fit a little joke in there yet again::
Dr. Catnapper:Now what was I saying before I was interrupted? Oh yes, at least I don't have to pay them fools anymore! However, this must mean that I have to get Kuro Neko myself! Very well! To the Catmobile!!!!
::Batman music starts playing until DC fills a lawsuit with Dr. Catnapper, then it ceases. Anyway, Dr. Catnapper heads to his Catmobile and takes off to the Black Cat Bar and Grill (where drinks are free only if you pay for them in advance!)::
Meanwhile, back at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
Milly:Yep, something is going to happen really soon. I'd say in about six lines or so.
Vash:Six lines? This is an outrage! We could be doing some mighty useful things in six lines!
Meryl:Not in a humor fic...
Vash:True I guess.
Wolfwood:Well, you just threw away half of those lines!
Vash:Hmmmm, if I make my lines more insightful and meaningful that will make this event that Milly is telling us about occur later on! Excellent, I will have to make a note of that the next time I get a line.
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: You just had a line...
Vash:I did, really? Wow! Oops, my bust!
::Everyone sweatdrops::Milly:Again, that's not what I meant would happen.
::Suddenly, Dr. Catnapper's Catmobile speeds into the Black Cat Bar and Grill and the physician with the cat-like name jumps out of his car.::
Dr. Catnapper:Haha, how's that for a parking job?
Wolfwood:Is the correct answer terrible, because that's how your parking job was!!!
Dr. Catnapper:Hmmmm, I suppose that's the best answer! You get a star! ::Laughs maniacally as Vash-tachi all sweatdrop simultaneously::
Meryl:Let me guess, you're the evil person who orchestrated everything?
Dr. Catnapper:Yeah, I am! How did you know that?
Meryl:I read the fics Cliffnotes when there was downtime.
Dr. Catnapper:Oh, okay.
Vash:Wow! That's cool! We're in a fic important enough to get Cliffnotes!
Meryl:Not this time, the fic just has Cliffnotes.
Dr. Catnapper:Stop jabbering about your nonsense! I must have Kuro Neko for my collection! With your mascot cat, I'll be able to create a powerful cat-based mecha that I will use to rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHA! MWA!
Milly:Why would someone go through all that trouble to make a cat-based mecha?
Wolfwood:Well, look at his name Milly. It's Dr. CATnapper. That's probably why. That, and he's a complete nutcase.
Milly:True.
Dr. Catnapper:Oh shut up! Now give me Kuro Neko!
Vash:How about, no?!?!?!
Dr. Catnapper:Fine! If you don't hand over Kuro Neko the easy way then I'll take him from you with my yarn bombs! Mwahaha! ::Starts tossing balls of yarn at the group, and after about a minute or two of silent anticipation, the good doctor remembers something:: Oh yeah, I forgot to install the bombs on these yarn bombs!
::Vash-tachi all fall over anime style, then immediately get up without the audience even noticing it one bit::
Vash:First we met an insane guy in Bakeryville, then we enter Nekoburg which just happens to be a city filled with cat people trying to steal our mascot cat away from us. What's next, a town filled with insane cat people who try to steal bakeries?
Wolfwood:Hopefully, not...
Dr. Catnapper:Hello people! I'm still here and I'm still trying to capture Kuro Neko! Geez, you good guys can be so inconsiderate sometimes! At least I'm kind enough not to steal Kuro Neko from you guys behind your backs! Sheesh, you young'uns today can't do anything right...with your horseless carriages and your electricity and your shoes!
Meryl:Uhhh, riiiight.
Dr. Catnapper:That does it, I'm going to use my ultimate weapon! ::Pulls out a small flask filled with green liquid:: I call this my 'TOP SECRET Rabid Werecat Formula X'. ::On the flask is a label that reads 'TOP SECRET Rabid Werecat Formula X. 30% More Free!':: Haha, when I drink this stuff I'll become a rabid werecat! ::Starts chugging the formula and he turns into a small little cat::
Vash:Hmmm, this looks like a job for the Gunsmith Cats!
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: Vash, be quiet.
Vash:Okay then ma'am!
Wolfwood:This is just great.
Milly:I hope he doesn't scratch too hard.
Wolfwood:Yeah, damn cats! ::Points his gun at Dr. Catnapper and gets ready to fire when all of a sudden a man with a white overcoat walks in::
::The man in the white overcoat injects Dr. Catnapper with a syringe filled with some serum::
Man:Ah yes, I have cured his 'Rabid Werecat-itis'. It is such a bad disease.
Wolfwood: ::Takes hand off of trigger:: Uhhhh, who are you?Man:Oh yes, I am Dr. Physician and I was testing my 'Anti-Rabid Werecat Disease' serum. I just happened to have a perfect specimen right here!
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: I just had to ask.
Dr. Physician:Yes, yes. Now kitty, you're going to the pound. ::Picks up Dr. Catnapper cat by the scruff of his neck and walks outside with him:: C'mon Mr. Impound, I've got another recent werecat here!
::The sound of a truck driving away is soon heard::
Vash:Ummmmm, all of that stuff made *no* sense at all.
Meryl:Yeah, just like yesterday didn't make sense either. Weird, huh?
Vash:Yeah. Hmmmm, I wonder if the next town will be as strange as this one was?
Wolfwood:Hopefully not.
Milly:Well, let's go minna-san!
::And so, Vash-tachi all leave Nekoburg and head to the next town. Who knows what oddities await them in this next town? Maybe the Shadow knows, but I doubt it. That guy only knows stuff like what darkness lies in the hearts of men and stuff. He doesn't know relevant information to *our* little story. Geez, that guy is such a jerk-bag! Anyway, it has been reported that Mr. Meow is now the vice president of a prominent hat designing company called Hatco. Wait a second, I think that might have been a beret designing company. Or maybe it was a cap designing company. Or it could have been a skullcap designing company. Whatever, you get the point. The Kittyfriends each went on to better things as well. Kit became a running pizza delivery man, Carolina became the new mascot for the new Nekoburg football team, the Scratchers, and Tabby went on to become an annoying comic. As for our news reporters, they both became prize winning novelists. As for Dr. Catnapper, let's just say he found a nice cat to settle down with...::
***OWARI***
And so ends the second Trigun fic created by me! It was a wee bit longer than the first, which could be good or bad depending on whether you liked the story and stuff. Please review the fic if you bothered reading this nonsense, and hell...even flame it if you want. I really don't care if you flame me though, so don't expect me to kill myself or something. Anyway, until next time, see ya space cowboy! Errr wait a sec...wrong anime.
By:Majin Vegeta
All righty, it's time for me to serve up some Trigun fun once again! This time around you might think that you see a little plot coming in somewhere, but I assure you that it's just your wild imagination playing tricks on you again. (Either that...or it's from some drug related thing, but I'd doubt my swell readers would do stuff like *that!* ^_^).
Note:This is again non-canon. Also, this fic would be best read with a martini, shaken, not stirred. Keep that in mind. (Yes, my Trigun ficcys are gonna have James Bond type themes...at least the stuff before the fic will.) And yes, there is going to be another motif like the last fic...don't let it scare you kiddies.
********
Welcome back to the wonderful world of Trigun, a world where you'll feel the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. Okay, so you won't really feel any thrill or agony here...I lied. However, you will be able to witness some great spectacles that are truly....uhhhh great and stuff. Anyway, enter the town of Nekoburg, a site of great splendor. Now, it was probably called Nekoburg because the fanfic author couldn't think of a *good* name, but that's not important. What was important however was the fact that the evil Dr. Catnapper was hatching a plan to steal the Trigun mascot cat right out of Vash's hands....or whoever you say owned that cat, anyway.
::With that minor plot detail finished (okay, there is a *little* plot slipped in), we enter the evil Dr. Catnapper's secret lair....a *large* tower on the outskirts of Nekoburg. Now, if this secret lair didn't seem secret enough, it had several large neon signs around it that said 'THIS IS NOT THE SECRET LAIR OF THE EVIL DR. CATNAPPER, GO AWAY!'. *Ahem.* Anyway, let's enter this hard to find secret lair::
In the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::The evil Dr. Catnapper has a big ol' lab set up which he is currently wandering around in. He has all kinds of cats in said lab. Following the evil doctor is a short little man in a white tuxedo named Mr. Meow::
Dr. Catnapper:Ah yes, I almost completed my collection of rare cat specimens! However, there is one important kitty missing Mr. Meow! I'm missing the mascot feline from Trigun, Kuro Neko! I must have Kuro Neko at *ALL* costs.
Mr. Meow:Yes, boss, but I'm gonna need money to pay for some of those costs. For example, what if I find this precious cat in a pet store doctor? I'd need to pay for it, right?Dr. Catnapper: ::Arches eyebrows:: Are *you* kidding? What kind of an evil sidekick are you? Pay for something from a store, sheesh! Next you'll tell me that it's wrong to take candy from babies!
Mr. Meow:But it is wrong...
Dr. Catnapper:Oh hush! ::Grunts:: If you really need money to buy the cat, here you go. ::Hands Mr. Meow a large black envelope that reads 'Catboy Subscription' on it::
Mr. Meow:Uhhhh boss, I don't think this is the right one. ::Whispers:: By the way, check out the spread of Miss Purrfect (pun intended! ^_^) on page 34 in issue #23 when you get it, but don't tell anybody I told you that.
Dr. Catnapper: ::Blinks, nods, and blinks again for no apparent reason:: Oh right, my bad! ::Grabs that black envelop from Mr. Meow and hands him a big white envelop labeled 'Stolen Money from Monopoly Bank'::
Mr. Meow:Ummmm sir, Monopoly money can't be cashed...
Dr. Catnapper:Oh right. ::Snatches the second envelop from Mr. Meow and hands him a large red and white striped envelop labeled 'Project Cat in the Hat Fund':: There you go, this is the correct money! You'll find that the currency is in $$60,000,000 Canadian...converted into normal currency it's about $$150.
Mr. Meow: ::Looks through the envelope and nods:: Yep, that's correct sir.
Dr. Catnapper:All righty Mr. Meow, off you go!
::Mr. Meow nods and hops into the 'Cat's in the Cradle Airplane' and flies out of the evil doctor's lair...all the while about half the people living in Nekoburg notice the big plane flying out of the *not* so secret lair::Dr. Catnapper:Soon Kuro Neko will be mine, all mine! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ::Stops laughing maniacally:: Note to self, use money from the game of Life for Mr. Meow's next paycheck.
Meanwhile at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
::Did I forget to mention where Vash and company were? Well, they were at this place called the Black Cat Bar and Grill...as I previously stated. Anyway, the Trigun crew were all there and stuff. Ummm Meryl and Milly were both siting at a table eating a steak diner and such, Wolfwood was just leaning in the corner of the room doing nothing in particular, and Vash was at the bar next to Kuro Neko. Vash was drinking some ALCOHOL (dun, dun, dun!)::
Yeah so anyway, that was the semi-plot and stuff...so like ummm let's start this shindig shall we?
Vash:Hey barkeep, can I get another Persian Kitty Brew ::Hiccups:: and an 'Uh-oh! Chinese Surprise!' Side Dish?
::The barkeeper blinks::
Barkeep:Well fella, you need to pay first. ::Points to the sign that says 'Pay First, Try to Sue and Lose Money Later':: That policy saves our butts.
Vash:All righty. ::Hiccups:: Oh, and get me the same order for my friend here! ::Pats the stool next to him where nobody is sitting::
Barkeep:Riiiight, he has to pay first too. ::Facefaults::
Vash:Here ya ::Hiccups:: go! ::Grabs some money from his pocket and puts it on the table::Barkeep:Okay, I'll get your stuff in a second. ::Takes the money and runs (no, don't even think about singing the song! NO! Just kidding...)::
Meanwhile at the Hall of Justice.....errr I mean...
Wolfwood:Wow, I look *so* cool leaning in this corner doing nothing in particular. I should keep this up.
::A legion of Nick fans then proceed to protest this fic for lack of their beloved Wolfwood, the pervs. (Kidding, kidding. ^_^)::
And now back to the semi-story...I suppose...
::The barkeeper comes back with two bottles of generic beer (the kind with the 'X' marks on them) and two little Chinese food containers::
Barkeep:Here ya go fella, enjoy your meal...it was delivered all the way from the Really Super Happy Garden and Movie Rental Store in downtown Orientville. ::Sets down the food and such and goes away from this fic forever::
Vash:Yeah, ::Hiccups:: thanks for the grub. ::Starts chugging that generic beer I told ya about before and then he opens the food container and finds....nothing but soy sauce and fortune cookies (I bet ya thought I was gonna say cat meat, didn't ya? Nope, nope).:: AHHHH! This is a surprise!
Meanwhile, at Milly and Meryl's table...
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: You can't take that guy anywhere, I swear.
Milly: I dunno ma'am, I think that's supposed to be what happens when you order that dish.
Meryl:That makes no sense....
Anyway, since we have basically no action occurring over here....let's go back to our pal Wolfwood...
Wolfwood:Wow, Vash looks so dumb screaming out in surprise. I bet he wishes he could be as cool as *me* leaning in this corner doing nothing in particular.
::Those Wolfwood fans are *still* protesting this fic for some obscure reason::
And now back to something that is sorta important to the story...
Vash: ::Hiccups:: Boy oh boy, those Chinese people who make this stuff ::Hiccups:: really know how to surprise a guy!
::A guy with one of those cool Chinese hats on walks by::
Guy with the Cool Hat (who will now be known as only GWTCH):You bet'cha!
Vash:Well, that was ::Hiccups:: random.
GWTCH:Yep, yep! Now I'll go back to China! See ya! ::Starts digging a hole to China...for some reason::
::Suddenly, the sound of an airplane can be heard outside and stuff. Then the whole building starts shaking and stuff. The inhabitants of the Black Cat Bar and Grill all walked outside (yes, even Vash, who was still a little drunk, and Wolfwood did so as well. That's right folks, he gave up his 'perch' on the corner).
::As you would have guessed by now, if you haven't stopped reading at this very point because of all my references to cats and stuff, the 'Cat's in the Cradle' airplane...which belongs to Mr. Meow in case you forgot, was the very airplane that was making all that noise. Oh, and please guys...don't mind my run-on sentences.::
Mr. Meow: ::Opens up the cockpit by flipping a switch and takes out a walkie talkie:: This cat has landed on the hot tin roof, over.
::Inaudible sounds come from the walkie talkie::
Mr. Meow:All right, roger copy over and out sir! ::Jumps out of his plane and tosses his walkie talkie aside:: Hello everybody! I am here to claim Kuro Neko!
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: Why would anybody want a cat *that* badly?
Vash: ::Hiccups:: What's a guy doing flying a ::Hiccups:: car out in the middle of the ocean, anyway?
Wolfwood: ::Facefaults:: You guys shouldn't let him go to bars anymore.
Meryl:I know, I know.
Mr. Meow:HEY! I'm the one that the plot is focusing on here people! Come on, I'm the evil ::Dramatic music plays:: guy!
Milly:You don't look too evil to me!
Mr. Meow:Well I am! Now hand over Kuro Neko or else I'll use the....CAT NIP!
::Vash-tachi all sweatdrop, even the drunken Vash because he just happens to be a part of his own group...silly!::
Vash:You six can't have ::Hiccups:: my kitty! ::Points at Mr. Meow::
Mr. Meow:There's only one of me, baka!
Vash:I think I know how to ::Hiccups:: count to six, officer!
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: Drunken fool. ::Grunts:: NOW HAND OVER KURO NEKO!!!!!
Wolfwood: ::Shrugs:: You can have the damn cat, I don't want him! You just got to go get him...and his kitty litter, and his cat food, and his toys, and you can't forget his contract for $$50,000,000,000 for starring in Trigun episodes...
Mr. Meow:Errrr, do I have to really get all of that stuff?
Wolfwood:Yep, he won't leave without any of it.
Mr. Meow: ::Grumbles:: This is going to be a long kitty-robbing day.
Vash:That's why you shouldn't ::Hiccups:: rob days from innocent cats!
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: Don't you mean rob innocent cats from their owners?
Vash:Errr, I suppose. ::Hiccups:: Don't worry Mindy, I'll save the dog!
Meryl:MY NAME IS MERYL AND IT'S A CAT!
Vash:Okay, okay. Sorry, Kat. ::Hiccups::
Meryl:Oh forget it.
Vash: Hey Mr. Kitty Man, do you know ::Hiccups:: Felix or Garfield?
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: What does *that* have to do with anything? Geez!!!! That does it, I'm getting the cat if you guys like it or not! ::Pulls out his SECRET WEAPON (tm) which is the SUPER DUPER ULTRA POWERFUL CAT NIP OF DOOM (tm):: Haha! Now who's laughing? With my SUPER DUPER ULTRA POWERFUL CAT NIP OF DOOM (tm), I will be able to get Kuro Neko! Mwahahahaha, mwahaha, mwaha, ha!
::While Mr. Meow was laughing like the crazy cat (hey, look at me, I fit in hippie slang into the fic) that he was, Milly shot one of those thingies from her gun...which pretty much knocked the cat nip with the really stupid name out of Mr. Meow's hands::
Milly:Now I guess you can't use that cat nip!
Mr. Meow:Oh no! ::Starts pouting:: Not the SUPER DUPER ULTRA...
Wolfwood:We got the point...
Mr. Meow:FINE! Not my cat nip! THAT DOES IT! NOW I MUST USE A WEAPON *SO* SECRET, THAT NOT EVEN *I* KNOW WHAT IT IS!!!!!!
We now interrupt your fic with a news flash...
::A random Trigun type dude is sitting at a desk and is dressed up in a suit and stuff::Random Trigun Type Dude:Good evening, I am Bob Feline. We just got word that Mr. Meow is using a super secret weapon. We'd go live at the sight, but we can't afford to hire cameramen and roaming reporters. We will give you more on this story as it develops. Thank you, and remember to watch the ten o'clock news with Bob Feline and Anna Pussycat!
We now interrupt your news flash for your fic...
Vash: ::Hiccups:: Can we play charades to find out what it is?
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops, yet again:: No, you can't play charades to find out what it is! I don't even know what it is, moron!
Vash:Oh, okay. ::Hiccups:: So can I borrow that thing over the weekend?
Mr. Meow:Ummm, sure. ::Blinks:: Wait a second, NO!!!!!!!!
Meryl:Wow, Vash almost outsmarted this guy when he was drunk. That says a lot about him, doesn't it?
Wolfwood:Yeah, anyone with feline type names has got to be pretty dumb. People with more canine type names are usually really smart, on the other hand!
Meryl:Riiiight.
Wolfwood:That's why I'm moving to Inugrad, because people with feline type names are so *dumb!*
Mr. Meow: ::Growls:: How dare you say that! You aren't allowed to switch the theme of the motif in the middle of the story! Your 'Dog City', Inugrad, is not allowed to in this fic! So ha!
Wolfwood:Ummm, okay whatever. ::Points his double cross gun at Mr. Meow::
Mr. Meow:AHHHHH! Don't shoot!!!!
We now interrupt your fic with another breaking news flash...
::A random Trigun type chick is now sitting at the news desk, moaning out in delight every few moments. On the desk are that Bob Feline dude's shoes::
Random Trigun Type Chick:Hello, I am Anna Pussycat and I'm incredibly hot. ::Moans out in delight, LOUDLY:: Oh yeah! This just in, Wolfwood doesn't have any bullets! OH YEAH, KEEP IT UP BOB!!!!! THAT'S THE GOOD SPOT, BOB, KEEP GOING! FASTER, FASTER, HARDER, HARDER, OOOOOOH!!!! OH YEAH, KEEP IT UP BOB!!! WHO'S YOUR MOMMA, WHO'S YOUR MOMMA?!?!?!?! OOOOOOOH!!!!!
::The camera pans back and shows that the Bob dude is washing Anna's hair with 'Herbal Essences for Kitties'. So no, what you thought was happened wasn't really happening. Geez, get your mind out of the gutter you pervert!::
We now return you to your regularly scheduled fic...
Wolfwood: ::Pulls the trigger on his gun, only to find out that it is indeed out of bullets:: Damn, I *am* out of bullets!
Milly:That's why I tell you always to watch the news, Wolfwood-san! ::Smiles::
Wolfwood:Heh, yeah. I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm fighting a moronic feline named person.
Mr. Meow:Oh wow, this stuff ::Hiccups:: *does* taste really good Vash!
::Milly, Meryl, and Wolfwood all sweatdrop when they realize what had happened. If you can't figure it out from my subtleties, well let me lay it out for you. VASH GOT MR. MEOW DRUNK AS AN ALCOHOLIC CHEETAH!::
Vash:I told ::Hiccups:: ya it tasted like a donut!
Mr. Meow:Yeah! These Doughnut Snops rule! ::Hiccups::Vash: ::Starts singing in that irritating drunken voice:: Nobody knows how dry I am, nobody knows how dry I am.
Wolfwood:Well, now that the bad guy is 'defeated', I guess we can end this dumb fic.
::Everybody waits for the fic to end, but it doesn't::Wolfwood:Damn it! This means we'll be exposed to more stupidity!
Meryl:It figures.
Meanwhile, back in the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::The 'good' doctor is sitting in front of a monitor. He suddenly notices that his 'Mr. Meow Got Drunk While Trying to Capture Kuro Neko' signal is flashing in the bottom right hand of the screen.::Dr. Catnapper:Ahhhh! How can that fool get drunk while he was trying to capture Kuro Neko?!?!?!? Bah! Now I'll have to get someone new to do the job! Hmmmm, this looks like a job for the Kittyfriends! ::Claps hands::
::Suddenly, a yellow and black blur runs into the room. This is none other than Kit the Super Sonic Cheetah.::
Kit: ::Speaks *really* fast:: Hi Doctor, how are you today? What do you need my help for? Can I get you some coffee? How about a mouse? Do you need me to slow down my tempo a bit? What's that button do? Do you want to Cheetos? You know I'm related to Chester the Cheetah!
Dr. Catnapper: ::Sweatdrops:: Yes, talk SLOWER!!!
Kit:Okay, will do doc!
::Next, the ceiling is ripped off and a big, black panther jumps in. This is none other than Carolina the ex-mascot of the Carolina Panthers::Carolina:HI SIR!!!! I WILL DO ANY JOB YOU ASK OF ME!!!
Dr. Catnapper:Will you just stop SHOUTING?
Carolina:Okay!
::Finally, an orange and yellow creature rolls in to the room. This is, of course, none other than Tabby the Terrible Talking Tiger::
Tabby:Hi sir! It is I, Tabby the Terrible Talking Tiger, master of alteration!
Dr. Catnapper:Shut up Tabby, it only occurred once!
Tabby:All right! Fine, you fiendish freak of a fabulous foe!
Dr. Catnapper:That doesn't even make sense. ::Blinks:: Anyway Kittyfriends, capture Kuro Neko and I'll raise your salary fifteen hundred percent!!!!
Carolina:So we'll make....::Gets out a calculator and pounds the keys a lot:: $$5.00 more.
Kit:Whoo-hoo, five more double dollars! We'll take it!
Tabby:Yeah! More money may make us miserable morons get motivated much more!
Everybody but Tabby:Tabby, shut up!
Dr. Catnapper:Now then Kittyfriends, go get me Kuro Neko! NOW!!!!
::The Kittyfriends jump into the Cowardly Lion Helicopter and head towards the Black Cat Bar and Grill::
Dr. Catnapper:Haha! Kuro Neko is as good as mine. Hmmmm, I wonder if those idiots will figure out that that extra $$5.00 I told them I'd give them is in old Friskas coupons that expired. Oh well, who cares!
Back at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
Mr. Meow:Wow Vash ::Hiccups:: you're really the man! I'm sorry I tried to steal ::Hiccups:: Kuro Neko from you guys!
Vash:That's okay man, but you're not getting my ::Hiccups:: Bud Light!
Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: Awwww man!
Milly:You know, I think something is going to happen in about five lines.
Meryl:Why do you think that?
Milly:I don't know, I just do.
Wolfwood:Don't be silly, we all ready got rid of the 'evil' guy this fic! How can something else happen in about five lines? Well...now it's about two lines.
Milly:I dunno, I just think something is gonna happen.
Vash: ::Burps:: Oops, sorry.
Milly: ::Sweatdrops:: That's not what I meant, either.
::Suddenly, the Cowardly Lion Helicopter lands predictably outside the Black Cat Bar and Grill. The Kittyfriends all jump out and head to the restaurant (which offers good food at an affordable price!)::
Wolfwood:Well Milly, I guess you're right. Something *is* happening!
Milly:I knew it!
::Kit comes into the restaurant first, followed by Carolina and the Terrible Talking Tiger with Terrific Timbre::
Kit:Give us Kuro Neko or I will talk really fast!
Carolina:Yeah! Give us Kuro Neko or I'll send you back to the litter box!
Tabby:Yeah, you yearning yellow yankees!
Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: Oh no, it's the Kittyfriends!!! Vash, protect the Doughnut Snops from them!
Vash:Don't worry 'bout it ::Hiccups:: Mr. Meow.
Wolfwood:Here we go again. By the way, what did that tiger guy call us, exactly?Meryl:I'm not sure.
Kit:Give us Kuro Neko, now now now now now now now now! ::Runs around at super-sonic speeds::
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: You can't *have* Kuro Neko, because he's *OUR* mascot! And you aren't allowed to annoy us with commercial jingles, either! It's against the law of decency, man, the law of decency!!!
Milly:Yeah!
Meryl:Yeah!
Vash:Yeah, that elephant is ::Hiccups:: the best talk show host our show ever had!
::Everyone in the room sweatdrops::
Carolina:That's too bad, 'cause we're gonna take your kitten *and* his mittens!
Tabby:Carolina, cease chatting with chartreuse cliches!
Wolfwood:I swear, that tiger guy makes *no* sense.
Milly:Hmmmm, maybe we can put that tiger in our tank to make our car go faster, Wolfwood-san.
Meryl: ::Counts:: There's another company that can pretty much sue us. Are you guys sure you don't want to make a joke about a certain cereal tiger?
Vash: ::Hiccups:: They're crrrrrrrrrate!!!! Hey! Where'd all the Frosted Donutballs go?
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: This is such a bad attempt at humor.
Kit: ::Whining:: Heeeeey, stop ignoring us you guys!!!!! ::Stops running at his super sonic speeds:: We just want Kuro Neko!
Mr. Meow: ::Sweatdrops:: These guys ::Hiccups:: aren't paying attention to the ::Hiccups:: Kittyfriends, oi!
Carolina:Yeah you guys, just give us Kuro Neko or else you'll be counting your chickens before they hatch!
Tabby: ::Grunts:: Tolerating trite trysts is terribly....trite!
::Everyone looks at Tabby strangely because they have no idea what the hell he just meant::
Carolina:Right, so anyway, give us the cat and you won't get hurt!
Wolfwood: ::Grunts:: Why don't any of these people understand that they just can't take our mascot? ::Sweatdrops::
Milly:Yeah, if you want Kuro Neko you have to get all his stuff too! It's the law!!!
Kit:What are ya talking about? I don't see no law anywhere! Therefore, it must not be a law!
Milly:It's written right there. ::Points at the wall::Kit: ::Looks at the wall and curses:: D'oh, it is a law!
Tabby:We wily weasels won't waive our wicked ways!
Carolina:Wow, I understood what Tabby said for once! ::Chuckles:: He's right, we won't waive our wicked ways! We'll just take your black cat!
Kit:I'll get him! ::Runs towards Kuro Neko in a blur::Mr. Meow: ::Hiccups:: I can't let them take Kuro Neko! ::Hiccups:: I won't let you have the cat, Kit!
We now interrupt your fic for a random commercial interlude...
::A random guy walks by::Random Guy: ::Singing:: Give me a break, give me a break! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat bar!
We now return you to our regularly scheduled fic...
Mr. Meow: ::Facefaults:: What a predictable joke. ::Hiccups:: Take this Kit! ::Tosses his hat at the blur of Kit, yep, just like that one dude from that one James Bond movie. ^_^::
::The hat hits Kit (wow, it rhymes!) and it stops him, which basically makes him fall over and stuff like that::Kit:@_@ Owie, that nice white hat is a deadly garment. I think I'll just rest. ::Lays down and takes a 'cat nap'::
Vash:Hooray for derbies ::Hiccups:: and Doughnut Snoops!
Meryl:No, Vash, that wasn't a *derby!* That was a cap!
Milly:Meryl-san, it was actually a beret...
Wolfwood:Don't be silly, that cat guy was wearing a skullcap!
Carolina: ::Arches an eyebrow:: Who really cares?
Meryl:Your friend probably does...
Carolina:Screw Kit, he was a moron anyway!
Meryl:Riiiiight.
Carolina:Now I'll be taking Kuro Neko! ::Picks up a bar table with his super-duper strength (wow!) and chucks it at Vash-tachi::
Vash:Uh-oh, this doesn't look too ::Hiccups:: good! ::Points his gun at the bar table and shots it with amazing accuracy for a drunk person. The bar table then proceeds to fall apart because it was made out of cheap wood::
Carolina:That tears it!
Tabby: ::Sweatdrops:: I beseech you to becalm boring, banal, brusque blurts!
Carolina: ::Punches Tabby and knocks his lights out:: Baka!!!!!!!!!!!
Wolfwood:That was bound to happen eventually.
Mr. Meow:I guess I owe ya a ::Hiccups:: beer then, buddy.
Wolfwood:Yep, it looks that way!
Carolina:You fools, I'm not done with you yet! ::Starts doing mascot like dances::
::Predictably, the other bar patrons start tossing empty beer bottles and other things at the dancing ex-mascot::Carolina:Ow! Ow! Ow! NOOOOO! The Kittyfriends have been defeated! Damn you people!!! GO PANTHERS!!!!
Milly:I told you something was going to happen, didn't I? By the way guys, I still think something is going to happen...
Wolfwood:Yeah, I'm sure there is some evil guy with a dumb name behind all of this...just like last time. By the way Mr. Meow, how did you stop that speeding cheetah with your skullcap?
Meryl:It was a cap!!!
Milly:No, it was a beret!
Wolfwood:Whatever, it was *so* a skullcap. So, how did you do it?
Mr. Meow: ::Shrugs:: I dunno, it just sorta worked. I forgot to bring my exploding tie with me, so I thought I might as well throw my hat to see if it did anything.
Vash: ::Sweatdrops:: If that didn't work then Kuro Neko would have been theirs!
Mr. Meow:Errr yeah.
Vash: ::Blinks:: Hey, we're sober! When did *that* happen?
Wolfwood: ::Shrugs:: The author probably got tired of typing all of those hiccups you guys were doing.
Vash:Hmmm, that seems like a logical explanation. But it almost seems *too* logical! Ah-ha, you're not really Wolfwood are you? You're....::Tries to pull of Wolfwood's 'mask'::
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: Would you knock that off?!?!?!
Vash:...really Wolfwood. ::Facefaults:: Oops.
Meryl:It's hard to believe that Vash has that $$60,000,000,000 bounty on his head sometimes.
Milly: ::Nods:: Tell me about it Meryl-san.
Mr. Meow:Wow, I could buy a *lot* of kitty litter with that much money!
::Nobody pays Mr. Meow any mind. In fact, he gets pushed out of the fic because he is ignored so much::
Meanwhile, back in the secret lair of Dr. Catnapper...
::Dr. Catnapper is still sitting in front of the same monitor as before. He soon notices that the 'All Three of the Kittyfriends Have Been Defeated in Interesting Manners!' signal is flashing in the bottom left of his screen. He then notices that his 'Mr. Meow has Left the Fic!' signal is also flashing::
Dr. Catnapper:Damn it, I should have known my evil cohorts would eventually fail and/or leave the fic because they were being ignored a lot. Hmmm, on the other hand, at least I don't have to pay anybody...
::Suddenly the cast of 'Cats' enters the room::Dr. Catnapper:No, I don't want you losers to get Kuro Neko! Now go back to your stage and entertain me when I get there!
::The cast of 'Cats' soon goes away, making it obvious that I wanted to fit a little joke in there yet again::
Dr. Catnapper:Now what was I saying before I was interrupted? Oh yes, at least I don't have to pay them fools anymore! However, this must mean that I have to get Kuro Neko myself! Very well! To the Catmobile!!!!
::Batman music starts playing until DC fills a lawsuit with Dr. Catnapper, then it ceases. Anyway, Dr. Catnapper heads to his Catmobile and takes off to the Black Cat Bar and Grill (where drinks are free only if you pay for them in advance!)::
Meanwhile, back at the Black Cat Bar and Grill...
Milly:Yep, something is going to happen really soon. I'd say in about six lines or so.
Vash:Six lines? This is an outrage! We could be doing some mighty useful things in six lines!
Meryl:Not in a humor fic...
Vash:True I guess.
Wolfwood:Well, you just threw away half of those lines!
Vash:Hmmmm, if I make my lines more insightful and meaningful that will make this event that Milly is telling us about occur later on! Excellent, I will have to make a note of that the next time I get a line.
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: You just had a line...
Vash:I did, really? Wow! Oops, my bust!
::Everyone sweatdrops::Milly:Again, that's not what I meant would happen.
::Suddenly, Dr. Catnapper's Catmobile speeds into the Black Cat Bar and Grill and the physician with the cat-like name jumps out of his car.::
Dr. Catnapper:Haha, how's that for a parking job?
Wolfwood:Is the correct answer terrible, because that's how your parking job was!!!
Dr. Catnapper:Hmmmm, I suppose that's the best answer! You get a star! ::Laughs maniacally as Vash-tachi all sweatdrop simultaneously::
Meryl:Let me guess, you're the evil person who orchestrated everything?
Dr. Catnapper:Yeah, I am! How did you know that?
Meryl:I read the fics Cliffnotes when there was downtime.
Dr. Catnapper:Oh, okay.
Vash:Wow! That's cool! We're in a fic important enough to get Cliffnotes!
Meryl:Not this time, the fic just has Cliffnotes.
Dr. Catnapper:Stop jabbering about your nonsense! I must have Kuro Neko for my collection! With your mascot cat, I'll be able to create a powerful cat-based mecha that I will use to rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHA! MWAHAHA! MWAHA! MWA!
Milly:Why would someone go through all that trouble to make a cat-based mecha?
Wolfwood:Well, look at his name Milly. It's Dr. CATnapper. That's probably why. That, and he's a complete nutcase.
Milly:True.
Dr. Catnapper:Oh shut up! Now give me Kuro Neko!
Vash:How about, no?!?!?!
Dr. Catnapper:Fine! If you don't hand over Kuro Neko the easy way then I'll take him from you with my yarn bombs! Mwahaha! ::Starts tossing balls of yarn at the group, and after about a minute or two of silent anticipation, the good doctor remembers something:: Oh yeah, I forgot to install the bombs on these yarn bombs!
::Vash-tachi all fall over anime style, then immediately get up without the audience even noticing it one bit::
Vash:First we met an insane guy in Bakeryville, then we enter Nekoburg which just happens to be a city filled with cat people trying to steal our mascot cat away from us. What's next, a town filled with insane cat people who try to steal bakeries?
Wolfwood:Hopefully, not...
Dr. Catnapper:Hello people! I'm still here and I'm still trying to capture Kuro Neko! Geez, you good guys can be so inconsiderate sometimes! At least I'm kind enough not to steal Kuro Neko from you guys behind your backs! Sheesh, you young'uns today can't do anything right...with your horseless carriages and your electricity and your shoes!
Meryl:Uhhh, riiiight.
Dr. Catnapper:That does it, I'm going to use my ultimate weapon! ::Pulls out a small flask filled with green liquid:: I call this my 'TOP SECRET Rabid Werecat Formula X'. ::On the flask is a label that reads 'TOP SECRET Rabid Werecat Formula X. 30% More Free!':: Haha, when I drink this stuff I'll become a rabid werecat! ::Starts chugging the formula and he turns into a small little cat::
Vash:Hmmm, this looks like a job for the Gunsmith Cats!
Meryl: ::Sweatdrops:: Vash, be quiet.
Vash:Okay then ma'am!
Wolfwood:This is just great.
Milly:I hope he doesn't scratch too hard.
Wolfwood:Yeah, damn cats! ::Points his gun at Dr. Catnapper and gets ready to fire when all of a sudden a man with a white overcoat walks in::
::The man in the white overcoat injects Dr. Catnapper with a syringe filled with some serum::
Man:Ah yes, I have cured his 'Rabid Werecat-itis'. It is such a bad disease.
Wolfwood: ::Takes hand off of trigger:: Uhhhh, who are you?Man:Oh yes, I am Dr. Physician and I was testing my 'Anti-Rabid Werecat Disease' serum. I just happened to have a perfect specimen right here!
Wolfwood: ::Sweatdrops:: I just had to ask.
Dr. Physician:Yes, yes. Now kitty, you're going to the pound. ::Picks up Dr. Catnapper cat by the scruff of his neck and walks outside with him:: C'mon Mr. Impound, I've got another recent werecat here!
::The sound of a truck driving away is soon heard::
Vash:Ummmmm, all of that stuff made *no* sense at all.
Meryl:Yeah, just like yesterday didn't make sense either. Weird, huh?
Vash:Yeah. Hmmmm, I wonder if the next town will be as strange as this one was?
Wolfwood:Hopefully not.
Milly:Well, let's go minna-san!
::And so, Vash-tachi all leave Nekoburg and head to the next town. Who knows what oddities await them in this next town? Maybe the Shadow knows, but I doubt it. That guy only knows stuff like what darkness lies in the hearts of men and stuff. He doesn't know relevant information to *our* little story. Geez, that guy is such a jerk-bag! Anyway, it has been reported that Mr. Meow is now the vice president of a prominent hat designing company called Hatco. Wait a second, I think that might have been a beret designing company. Or maybe it was a cap designing company. Or it could have been a skullcap designing company. Whatever, you get the point. The Kittyfriends each went on to better things as well. Kit became a running pizza delivery man, Carolina became the new mascot for the new Nekoburg football team, the Scratchers, and Tabby went on to become an annoying comic. As for our news reporters, they both became prize winning novelists. As for Dr. Catnapper, let's just say he found a nice cat to settle down with...::
***OWARI***
And so ends the second Trigun fic created by me! It was a wee bit longer than the first, which could be good or bad depending on whether you liked the story and stuff. Please review the fic if you bothered reading this nonsense, and hell...even flame it if you want. I really don't care if you flame me though, so don't expect me to kill myself or something. Anyway, until next time, see ya space cowboy! Errr wait a sec...wrong anime.