Legal Gibberish: There are nights when I dream of such things as owning the "Super Mario Bros." copyright and characters. Nights when I dream of the glorious riches and fame that would come with such a thing. There are also nights when I dream of being eaten by giant doughnuts. Suffice to say, I do not own Mario, nor Luigi, nor any of their wacky friends. I could go for a doughnut now, though. –Matt
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Sins of the Brothers
A satire of angst-ridden "Super Mario Bros." fanfiction by Matt Garner
"He did it again… Dat-a lousy, no good, fat brother o' mine did it again…"
Luigi ground his teeth together as he quivered with rage in the dim light of the Mario Brothers' kitchen, deep green eyes focused on an empty cardboard box on the counter – empty, save for a few measly crumbs of stale bread and some greasy stains.
"It ain't-a just enough for 'im dat he's world famous… Dat he's-a got da love and-a ad-a-miration of everyone in da Mush-a-room Kingdom, not to mention back home in da real world, an' who knows what other worlds out-a there! It ain't enough for 'im dat he's-a better than his-a stupid little brother in every way… Dat he's-a got everything I ever wanted and-a more! OH NO!"
Lashing a hand out, Luigi snatched the box from the kitchen counter and snarled bitterly at the small crumbs. Crumbs which sat there only to mock his poor, pitiful, woe-begotten existence. "No… No, no, no… He always wants a bigger piece of da pie. An' he always GETS IT! Well… Dis is-a da last time he'll get dat last piece of Luigi's pizza pie!"
In a flash of anger, the chubby plumber hurled the empty pizza box into the trash can whereupon the little Italian chef drawn on the cover seemed to gaze dolefully at him with the knowledge of Luigi's wicked scheme.
"It's about time Mario learned what-a happens when you push-a Luigi too far!" Reaching into a drawer, Luigi drew forth a razor-sharp knife whose blade gleamed with sinister glee at its foul purpose in the dim moonlight reaching in through the windows. "It's about time…" he continued, retrieving a covered pastry platter from the refrigerator and lifting the lid to unveil a delicious-looking New York blueberry cheesecake. "…for Mario…" His hand shook as it began to slice into the pristine pastry, horror at Luigi's hatred shivering through his entire body. "… to get his just desserts!"
The very next morning, Mario bound happily into the kitchen with the usual spring in his step and laugh in his voice. "Boy-oh-boy!" he chuckled, "What a beautiful mornin', eh Luigi? A gorgeous day like-a dis calls for a gorgeous breakfast snack!"
With that, the red-clad hero carried out a covered pastry tray and took his seat at the table, directly opposite from his brother who simply sat in dead silence while shooting Mario a look of stone.
"Fine, don't say 'good mornin'," Mario muttered as he uncovered the tray. Suddenly, Mario gasped in terror at the sight that fell before his eyes.
"WHO DA HECK ATE-A DA FIRST PIECE OF-A MY CHEESECAKE!?"
The terror gave way to boiling rage as Mario looked up from his desecrated dish to see his brother Luigi cackling like mad across the table.
"Well played, Luigi…" Mario hissed under his breath. "Well played. But dis game ain't-a over yet. Not-a by a long-a shot…"
AN END!