JavaJunkie XP
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A/N: I was inspired to right this after I decided Windows XP hates me, and I hate it in return. I hate you Bill Gates.
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"Lukeeee," Lorelai screeched as she climbed up the stairs to his apartment above the diner. "Where are you?"
The door to his apartment flung open and an exasperated Luke stood in the doorway. "What do you want?"
"There you are," said Lorelai, walking up to him. "I've been looking for you all over the place. I looked for you here, I looked for you there, I looked for you everywhere. I was Dr. Seuss for a moment."
Luke decided the best approach was to ignore her. He went back into his apartment, absent mindedly rearranging the worn out blue baseball cap on his head as he walked. He left the door open, so naturally Lorelai followed him in… not that a closed door would have stopped her anyhow.
"Why aren't you downstairs?" Lorelai pouted, "I want a burger, and Caesar's just doesn't cut it."
"Then go to Al's." Luke mumbled, and sat down at the desk he had in the corner of the room. There was a brand new computer sitting in front of him, and he stared at it with determination.
"What are you doing? Is that new?" Lorelai peered eagerly behind his shoulder. "Since when did you get a computer?"
"Since yesterday, and I still don't know how to get the damn thing to work," said Luke, grouchily. "I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, all I've done for the past fourteen hours is stare at this stupid piece of hardware which just sits there and mocks me."
"What on earth would possess you to get a computer?" Lorelai asked, as she took a seat beside him. "I thought you shunned technology, choosing instead to rely on your feral instincts to get through life."
"Nicole was just telling me the other day how it would really help me if I computerized some parts of my business," Luke said begrudgingly, not really wanting to share any unnecessary information with Lorelai.
"So, Nicole says you should get a computer and you just run out and get one?" said Lorelai, slightly surprised. "I'm still trying to get you to ditch the flannel, and it's been years now."
"Lorelai, unless you can actually help …"
"Why didn't you get Jess to help you out?" Lorelai said, "I'm sure those savvy New York kids are all hip and happenin' with technology and stuff."
"First off, stop talking like that," said Luke, "And secondly, I did ask. I let him have the computer for two hours, and the only thing he did was install something called 'Counterstrike'. And don't even get me started on that. Apparently some moron who called himself a programmer decided it would be a great idea to let kids pretend they have guns to shoot people with, so they can pretend to kill other kids who are also pretending they have guns. This is pretty much a huge step forward for the youths of today."
"Hmmm. Your soapbox is unusually large today. But move aside, I'll help you," said Lorelai. "I have been told that I have an uncanny ability to master the computer."
"Really."
"Well, not really," Lorelai continued, "But I've used enough of the silly things at the Inn to know my way around them. Move aside, Computer Virgin, and let me show you the ropes."
Luke sighed, and pushed his seat further down the desk so Lorelai could get a closer look at the computer. Lorelai dragged her chair closer to his, and peered at the computer.
"Go ahead, genius," Luke said.
"Let's just cover the basics first. Do you know what operating system you're using?" Lorelai asked, as she put her hand on the mouse. "Windows XP? Windows 2000? Windows 98? Windows ME? Linux?"
"I have no idea what you just asked me."
"Hmm, okay, so we have to go one step below basics," said Lorelai. She removed her hand from the mouse, and pointed to it. "You see this cute little object here? This is what they call a 'mouse'. Now, if you move the mouse, you'll get to maneuver that little white arrow on the screen. It's sort of like magic."
"I know what a mouse is, Lorelai," said Luke, exasperated.
"Yes, but do you actually know what a mouse can do? Many people think they do, but actually, they don't," Lorelai pushed the mouse towards Luke. "Go ahead, get a feel of it. Practice using it. Play around with it."
"I've already played with my damn mouse," Luke said.
"Oh, dir…"
"Don't say anything," Luke shot back quickly. "And thanks for the lecture, but I'm not exactly having problems using my mouse – and I know what you want to say, so don't say it."
"Darn!"
"Look, I just need you to teach me how to get the program I want working, and after that you can leave me alone. I just don't get why the stupid thing doesn't do what I want it to do."
"Okay, first off, you have to understand that using the computer is a lot like sex," said Lorelai. "You *do* know what that's like, right?"
"Ah, geez…"
"Well, of course, the first time it's really scary, and you don't know what to do, and you're pushing all the wrong buttons, and clicking all the wrong things…"
"Could you please stop?"
"… but after you've done it, like, a thousand times, it's totally fun and easy to understand."
"You are so the right person to be raising an eighteen year old girl. Does Social Services know about you?"
"Oh, please. I'm not saying that I've done it a thousand times, I'm just saying you've got to familiarize yourself with the whole process," said Lorelai. "Now, tell me, which program in particular is causing you this much unneeded grief?"
"Excel."
"Oooh. Excel. A tough one. Are you sure you want to jump straight into that? Maybe we could tackle something a little less challenging first. Like Paint."
"I want to use Excel."
"Are you sure? Because with Paint, we can make pretty little pictures just using the mouse, and our imagination. Let's try to draw a flower."
"Lorelai…"
"Okay, so maybe being artistic isn't your thing," Lorelai moved the cursor around the computer screen. "How about we try something else? How about this nifty little application called 'Calculator'? Ooh, I bet we can have loads of fun with Calculator. Let's add stuff, and then divide it. Hell, let's cut loose and multiply stuff."
"Thanks, but that just sounds too wild for my liking," said Luke sarcastically.
"Minesweeper, then? Solitaire?"
"Will any of those programs help me balance my accounts?"
"Depends on what you mean by 'balance'," said Lorelai. "And also what you mean by 'accounts'."
"Could you just teach me how to use this damn thing," Luke put his hand on hers and guided the cursor towards the icon that said 'Excel'. Lorelai pretended not to notice that it felt very nice, very comfortable, and very warm to have his hand over hers. He opened the program and then moved his hand to point to a specific location on the monitor. Lorelai then proceeded to pretended not to notice that she missed the feeling she had when his hand was on hers.
"What are you pointing at?"
"Look, I already made a spreadsheet," said Luke, pointing to the numbers on the screen, "And I keyed in all the numbers."
"And what exactly do you want the computer to do?"
"I want this row of numbers here," Luke pointed, "To be added to this row of numbers over here."
"Is that all? Geez, I thought you had a real problem." Lorelai sighed. She guided the cursor and clicked a few times. "Tada. All added up."
"Hmm. How did you do that?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "You see this little icon here? The summation sign? Highlight this portion, and then click on this icon. It adds everything up for you."
"I can't believe I missed that," said Luke, pulling his seat closer to the computer so he could get a better look. "Fourteen hours and I miss that stupid icon. They should have made it bigger. Okay, but don't tell me I have to click this button each time I want to add something? I have a thousand more numbers I need to add up."
"Oh, you simple minded redneck," said Lorelai, as Luke glared at her, "Let me introduce you to the wonders of technology. "You see this space up here? You key in the formula you want, and then drag the cursor over all the columns you want to apply the formula to. It's really simple. Look. I'm typing the formula, like this, and now I'm going to highlight these columns here, and… oh."
"Oh?"
"Hmm."
"HMM?" Luke echoed her like a parrot on the verge of getting a heart attack.
"Nothing to worry, nothing to panic about," said Lorelai hurriedly. "Just a little mistake."
"What happened to all the numbers?!" Luke's voice was near screeching level.
"Don't be such a drama queen. I'll just click 'Undo', and we'll…. OH." Lorelai stared, dumbfounded, at the computer screen. "Well, that didn't work."
"What did you do?" Luke demanded. "I spent hours keying in all that information!"
"Relax, relax," said Lorelai. "We're okay as long as you saved it. You did save it, didn't you?"
"You mean, like, from you? A little too late for that."
"I meant, you saved it to the hard drive, right? Your spreadsheet," Lorelai asked the question meekly, because something at the back of her head told her she already knew the answer, and she wasn't going to like it.
"What do you mean, 'save it'? Talk English, woman!"
"You know… save it somewhere, just in case something happens, like, hypothetically of course, a ravishing young woman whom you would never dream of harming in your entire life came and erased your whole night's work… that sort of 'save'."
"I didn't know how to save anything," groaned Luke, burying his head in his hands. "I never had this problem when I was just using a book and a pen."
"I guess this is a valuable lesson for the both of us – Save often, and save fast." said Lorelai, getting up. "Well, I guess my work here is done, so if you don't mind, I'll be leaving…"
"Not so fast," Luke grabbed her arm and pulled her back down to her chair. "You did this, now you're going to undo it."
"It's not so simple as that, Luke," Lorelai tried to explain, "There isn't a magical 'Undo' button that will just undo everything I just did. Okay, well, technically, there is, but I tried it and it didn't work, but that's not the point. The person you really should be angry with is Nicole. If she didn't tell you to get a computer, none of this would have happened. Go to the root of the problem. Take it out on her. I'll cheer you on."
"Nicole didn't crash my computer."
"Nobody actually 'crashed' your computer. A 'crash' is what happens when…" Lorelai stopped when her eyes met Luke's furious ones. For a moment she could have sworn there was steam rising from his nostrils. "…. not important at all. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to erase your spreadsheet. I don't even know how I did it, the program must be faulty. I say we sue Microsoft."
"Lorelai …"
"Okay. Wow, you look really stressed, there's a vein throbbing in your forehead and stuff," said Lorelai, "Why don't we play a quick game of Minesweeper to work it out of our system?"
"I spent fourteen hours of my life hunched over this stupid keyboard," Luke started ranting, "Staring at this stupid computer trying to get the stupid program to work, and all I have to show for it is this stupid blank screen?"
"I'm so sorry, Luke," Lorelai said, apologetically, "I promise you I'll help you type everything back on the computer. I'll even help you save it this time. I'll stay here all day, all night even. I'll call in sick. I'll tell Emily to take care of Rory for the weekend while I stay here and type in those numbers and add them and save them and multiply them and whatever you want. I won't eat, I won't sleep, I won't even breathe properly until I fix this for you."
Luke's face softened as he listened to Lorelai scramble all over her apology. "Nah. Forget about it. I'll just return this piece of junk later. Maybe if I'm lucky I can get a full refund."
"Are you sure? Because a computer can really help speed things up."
"Unless it can actually reverse time," said Luke, "There's no way that this computer is ever going to be speedy enough to make up for the fourteen hours I wasted on it already."
"Well, it only sucks if you don't know how to use it, as you and I have both aptly demonstrated," said Lorelai, "But if you take the time to learn how to do it properly, master all those fancy tips and tricks, I think you'll be really satisfied at the end of the day."
"So it is kind of like sex," Luke grinned.
"Wow," Lorelai looked stunned, "I can't believe I actually heard you say that. Weird."
"Yeah, I only get like this once a year, so you just cashed in," said Luke.
"So are you still going to give up - or are you going to give it another try? And don't worry, I'll help you key in those numbers like I promised – even if it takes all day."
Luke thought about this for a moment, and the idea of having a good excuse to have Lorelai by his side for the whole day seemed like a pretty nice one.
And maybe when she wasn't looking, he could erase the spreadsheet, and she'll be there even longer.
* the end *
This is just a one-chapter fic. There is no sequel, and there is no chapter two. Enjoy it as it is :)
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A/N: I was inspired to right this after I decided Windows XP hates me, and I hate it in return. I hate you Bill Gates.
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"Lukeeee," Lorelai screeched as she climbed up the stairs to his apartment above the diner. "Where are you?"
The door to his apartment flung open and an exasperated Luke stood in the doorway. "What do you want?"
"There you are," said Lorelai, walking up to him. "I've been looking for you all over the place. I looked for you here, I looked for you there, I looked for you everywhere. I was Dr. Seuss for a moment."
Luke decided the best approach was to ignore her. He went back into his apartment, absent mindedly rearranging the worn out blue baseball cap on his head as he walked. He left the door open, so naturally Lorelai followed him in… not that a closed door would have stopped her anyhow.
"Why aren't you downstairs?" Lorelai pouted, "I want a burger, and Caesar's just doesn't cut it."
"Then go to Al's." Luke mumbled, and sat down at the desk he had in the corner of the room. There was a brand new computer sitting in front of him, and he stared at it with determination.
"What are you doing? Is that new?" Lorelai peered eagerly behind his shoulder. "Since when did you get a computer?"
"Since yesterday, and I still don't know how to get the damn thing to work," said Luke, grouchily. "I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, all I've done for the past fourteen hours is stare at this stupid piece of hardware which just sits there and mocks me."
"What on earth would possess you to get a computer?" Lorelai asked, as she took a seat beside him. "I thought you shunned technology, choosing instead to rely on your feral instincts to get through life."
"Nicole was just telling me the other day how it would really help me if I computerized some parts of my business," Luke said begrudgingly, not really wanting to share any unnecessary information with Lorelai.
"So, Nicole says you should get a computer and you just run out and get one?" said Lorelai, slightly surprised. "I'm still trying to get you to ditch the flannel, and it's been years now."
"Lorelai, unless you can actually help …"
"Why didn't you get Jess to help you out?" Lorelai said, "I'm sure those savvy New York kids are all hip and happenin' with technology and stuff."
"First off, stop talking like that," said Luke, "And secondly, I did ask. I let him have the computer for two hours, and the only thing he did was install something called 'Counterstrike'. And don't even get me started on that. Apparently some moron who called himself a programmer decided it would be a great idea to let kids pretend they have guns to shoot people with, so they can pretend to kill other kids who are also pretending they have guns. This is pretty much a huge step forward for the youths of today."
"Hmmm. Your soapbox is unusually large today. But move aside, I'll help you," said Lorelai. "I have been told that I have an uncanny ability to master the computer."
"Really."
"Well, not really," Lorelai continued, "But I've used enough of the silly things at the Inn to know my way around them. Move aside, Computer Virgin, and let me show you the ropes."
Luke sighed, and pushed his seat further down the desk so Lorelai could get a closer look at the computer. Lorelai dragged her chair closer to his, and peered at the computer.
"Go ahead, genius," Luke said.
"Let's just cover the basics first. Do you know what operating system you're using?" Lorelai asked, as she put her hand on the mouse. "Windows XP? Windows 2000? Windows 98? Windows ME? Linux?"
"I have no idea what you just asked me."
"Hmm, okay, so we have to go one step below basics," said Lorelai. She removed her hand from the mouse, and pointed to it. "You see this cute little object here? This is what they call a 'mouse'. Now, if you move the mouse, you'll get to maneuver that little white arrow on the screen. It's sort of like magic."
"I know what a mouse is, Lorelai," said Luke, exasperated.
"Yes, but do you actually know what a mouse can do? Many people think they do, but actually, they don't," Lorelai pushed the mouse towards Luke. "Go ahead, get a feel of it. Practice using it. Play around with it."
"I've already played with my damn mouse," Luke said.
"Oh, dir…"
"Don't say anything," Luke shot back quickly. "And thanks for the lecture, but I'm not exactly having problems using my mouse – and I know what you want to say, so don't say it."
"Darn!"
"Look, I just need you to teach me how to get the program I want working, and after that you can leave me alone. I just don't get why the stupid thing doesn't do what I want it to do."
"Okay, first off, you have to understand that using the computer is a lot like sex," said Lorelai. "You *do* know what that's like, right?"
"Ah, geez…"
"Well, of course, the first time it's really scary, and you don't know what to do, and you're pushing all the wrong buttons, and clicking all the wrong things…"
"Could you please stop?"
"… but after you've done it, like, a thousand times, it's totally fun and easy to understand."
"You are so the right person to be raising an eighteen year old girl. Does Social Services know about you?"
"Oh, please. I'm not saying that I've done it a thousand times, I'm just saying you've got to familiarize yourself with the whole process," said Lorelai. "Now, tell me, which program in particular is causing you this much unneeded grief?"
"Excel."
"Oooh. Excel. A tough one. Are you sure you want to jump straight into that? Maybe we could tackle something a little less challenging first. Like Paint."
"I want to use Excel."
"Are you sure? Because with Paint, we can make pretty little pictures just using the mouse, and our imagination. Let's try to draw a flower."
"Lorelai…"
"Okay, so maybe being artistic isn't your thing," Lorelai moved the cursor around the computer screen. "How about we try something else? How about this nifty little application called 'Calculator'? Ooh, I bet we can have loads of fun with Calculator. Let's add stuff, and then divide it. Hell, let's cut loose and multiply stuff."
"Thanks, but that just sounds too wild for my liking," said Luke sarcastically.
"Minesweeper, then? Solitaire?"
"Will any of those programs help me balance my accounts?"
"Depends on what you mean by 'balance'," said Lorelai. "And also what you mean by 'accounts'."
"Could you just teach me how to use this damn thing," Luke put his hand on hers and guided the cursor towards the icon that said 'Excel'. Lorelai pretended not to notice that it felt very nice, very comfortable, and very warm to have his hand over hers. He opened the program and then moved his hand to point to a specific location on the monitor. Lorelai then proceeded to pretended not to notice that she missed the feeling she had when his hand was on hers.
"What are you pointing at?"
"Look, I already made a spreadsheet," said Luke, pointing to the numbers on the screen, "And I keyed in all the numbers."
"And what exactly do you want the computer to do?"
"I want this row of numbers here," Luke pointed, "To be added to this row of numbers over here."
"Is that all? Geez, I thought you had a real problem." Lorelai sighed. She guided the cursor and clicked a few times. "Tada. All added up."
"Hmm. How did you do that?"
"Well," said Lorelai, "You see this little icon here? The summation sign? Highlight this portion, and then click on this icon. It adds everything up for you."
"I can't believe I missed that," said Luke, pulling his seat closer to the computer so he could get a better look. "Fourteen hours and I miss that stupid icon. They should have made it bigger. Okay, but don't tell me I have to click this button each time I want to add something? I have a thousand more numbers I need to add up."
"Oh, you simple minded redneck," said Lorelai, as Luke glared at her, "Let me introduce you to the wonders of technology. "You see this space up here? You key in the formula you want, and then drag the cursor over all the columns you want to apply the formula to. It's really simple. Look. I'm typing the formula, like this, and now I'm going to highlight these columns here, and… oh."
"Oh?"
"Hmm."
"HMM?" Luke echoed her like a parrot on the verge of getting a heart attack.
"Nothing to worry, nothing to panic about," said Lorelai hurriedly. "Just a little mistake."
"What happened to all the numbers?!" Luke's voice was near screeching level.
"Don't be such a drama queen. I'll just click 'Undo', and we'll…. OH." Lorelai stared, dumbfounded, at the computer screen. "Well, that didn't work."
"What did you do?" Luke demanded. "I spent hours keying in all that information!"
"Relax, relax," said Lorelai. "We're okay as long as you saved it. You did save it, didn't you?"
"You mean, like, from you? A little too late for that."
"I meant, you saved it to the hard drive, right? Your spreadsheet," Lorelai asked the question meekly, because something at the back of her head told her she already knew the answer, and she wasn't going to like it.
"What do you mean, 'save it'? Talk English, woman!"
"You know… save it somewhere, just in case something happens, like, hypothetically of course, a ravishing young woman whom you would never dream of harming in your entire life came and erased your whole night's work… that sort of 'save'."
"I didn't know how to save anything," groaned Luke, burying his head in his hands. "I never had this problem when I was just using a book and a pen."
"I guess this is a valuable lesson for the both of us – Save often, and save fast." said Lorelai, getting up. "Well, I guess my work here is done, so if you don't mind, I'll be leaving…"
"Not so fast," Luke grabbed her arm and pulled her back down to her chair. "You did this, now you're going to undo it."
"It's not so simple as that, Luke," Lorelai tried to explain, "There isn't a magical 'Undo' button that will just undo everything I just did. Okay, well, technically, there is, but I tried it and it didn't work, but that's not the point. The person you really should be angry with is Nicole. If she didn't tell you to get a computer, none of this would have happened. Go to the root of the problem. Take it out on her. I'll cheer you on."
"Nicole didn't crash my computer."
"Nobody actually 'crashed' your computer. A 'crash' is what happens when…" Lorelai stopped when her eyes met Luke's furious ones. For a moment she could have sworn there was steam rising from his nostrils. "…. not important at all. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to erase your spreadsheet. I don't even know how I did it, the program must be faulty. I say we sue Microsoft."
"Lorelai …"
"Okay. Wow, you look really stressed, there's a vein throbbing in your forehead and stuff," said Lorelai, "Why don't we play a quick game of Minesweeper to work it out of our system?"
"I spent fourteen hours of my life hunched over this stupid keyboard," Luke started ranting, "Staring at this stupid computer trying to get the stupid program to work, and all I have to show for it is this stupid blank screen?"
"I'm so sorry, Luke," Lorelai said, apologetically, "I promise you I'll help you type everything back on the computer. I'll even help you save it this time. I'll stay here all day, all night even. I'll call in sick. I'll tell Emily to take care of Rory for the weekend while I stay here and type in those numbers and add them and save them and multiply them and whatever you want. I won't eat, I won't sleep, I won't even breathe properly until I fix this for you."
Luke's face softened as he listened to Lorelai scramble all over her apology. "Nah. Forget about it. I'll just return this piece of junk later. Maybe if I'm lucky I can get a full refund."
"Are you sure? Because a computer can really help speed things up."
"Unless it can actually reverse time," said Luke, "There's no way that this computer is ever going to be speedy enough to make up for the fourteen hours I wasted on it already."
"Well, it only sucks if you don't know how to use it, as you and I have both aptly demonstrated," said Lorelai, "But if you take the time to learn how to do it properly, master all those fancy tips and tricks, I think you'll be really satisfied at the end of the day."
"So it is kind of like sex," Luke grinned.
"Wow," Lorelai looked stunned, "I can't believe I actually heard you say that. Weird."
"Yeah, I only get like this once a year, so you just cashed in," said Luke.
"So are you still going to give up - or are you going to give it another try? And don't worry, I'll help you key in those numbers like I promised – even if it takes all day."
Luke thought about this for a moment, and the idea of having a good excuse to have Lorelai by his side for the whole day seemed like a pretty nice one.
And maybe when she wasn't looking, he could erase the spreadsheet, and she'll be there even longer.
* the end *
This is just a one-chapter fic. There is no sequel, and there is no chapter two. Enjoy it as it is :)