Yet Another Caffeine-Induced Parody
Hey everyone, I found this piece of cra – I mean priceless gem of literature on my hard drive the other day and thought I'd post it. Beware extreme silliness.
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Narrator: The year is After Colony 195 and all that junk. The colonies sent a bunch of really cool robot thingies to earth to blow up stuff… buy Gundam Wing merchandise!
On the Alliance surveillance station…
Alliance dude 1: uh sir, there's five little dot things on the radar.
Alliance boss: yeah… and I care, why?
Alliance dude 1: they could be 5 incredibly powerful Gundams with 5 skilled pilots, come to end the Alliance's oppression of the colonies, but they're probably just meteors.
Alliance boss: why do you say that?
Alliance dude 1: well, it is Operation Meteor, isn't it?
Alliance boss: *sighs* just tell Zechs.
On Zechs's plane/spaceship…
OZ soldier: Lt. Zechs?
Zechs: not now, I'm watching Blue's Clues!
OZ soldier: But Alliance surveillance says their radar has five dots on it.
Zechs: *not listening* A clue! A clue!
OZ soldier: *starting to get pissed off, pulls out a gun and shoots the tv* Now can we please go after the Gundam?
Zechs: Wait, how do you know it's a Gundam?
OZ soldier: Well, I don't think they'd call it "Gundam Wing" if there were no Gundams in it.
Zechs: *realizing what happened to the tv* Hey, you shot the TV! You little *bleep*
Otto: Watch your language, sir. Let's try and keep this PG.
Zechs: Oops, I forgot.
Otto: never mind, let's just go after that Gundam.
Zechs, Otto, and the other OZ soldier go after one of the 5 space capsules in their plane/spaceship. Meanwhile in the space capsule/shuttle/Wing Gundam…
Heero: *looking at a little monitor in the cockpit* Wow, that was great! I can't wait for the finale of "Survivor AC195"! *a little light in the cockpit flashes.* Oops. *He quickly turns off the monitor* As I was saying, all areas functioning. We'll commence operations in 7 minutes. *A civilian shuttle appears and Heero nearly crashes into it.* Holy monkeys! Where'd that come from? Oh well, maybe I'll have some fun and shoot it down.
On the civilian shuttle…
Stewardess voice: Mr. Darlian, the shuttle will soon enter the atmosphere. please remember to fasten your seat belt and remain seated. wait a minute, that doesn't make sense. How can you stand up if your seat belt is buckled? Then I guess I don't need to say that last part. Oops, I'm talking to myself again aren't I? You know I always seem to do that. I remember one time I was in... *stewardess continues to ramble on like that, meanwhile...*
Mr. Darlian: What's the matter, Relena? Aren't you glad to be coming home to the earth?
Relena: *sarcastically* Nooooooooooooooo!
Darlian: I'm sorry I couldn't spend much time with you, but I'm afraid my gambling-er, work keeps getting in the way.
Relena: Next time we go out to space, how about buying me a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. This skirt is too uncomfortable. *sees Heero's shuttle* Oooooh, pretty lights!
Darlian: that's operation M. If I remember correctly, that's Heero's Gundam.
Relena: Who's Heero? And what's a Gundam?
Darlian: never mind.
Back on Heero's shuttle…
Heero: autoguns locked on, preparing to shoot the hot chick in the shuttle down. *Sees Zechs's ship* The Alliance is already on to me, crudcakes! I guess I'll shoot em down.
On Zechs's ship…
Zechs: What the *bleep*, he's turned around! Blow him up with the *bleep* machine guns!
Otto: yes, sir!
Otto fires the machine guns at Heero, which blows away the shuttle part, reavealing Wing Gundam in bird mode. Otto continues to fire, which does nothing cuz Wing's made of freakin' GUNDANIUM ALLOY!
Otto: Sir, the machine guns don't seem to be working!
Zechs: so I'll go blow him up with Leo!
OZ soldier: but Leo sucks!
Zechs: Oh, too bad it doesn't!
OZ soldier: too bad it does!
Zechs: too bad it doesn't!
OZ soldier: too bad it does!
Zechs: the heck with this, die! *shoots the OZ soldier* OZ soldier 2, you take his place!
OZ soldier 2: yes sir!
Zechs: as I was saying, I'm going out with Leo.
Zechs goes out with Leo and attacks Wing. He shoots the bazooka at it which, once again, does nothing cuz Wing is made of Gundanium Alloy.
Zechs: Crap! That didn't do anything. I'll have to use my "secret weapon."
Zechs' Leo proceeds to whack Heero's Gundam over the head with a giant Pokemon plushie.
Heero: Ow, stop it!!!! Left drive system malfunctioning. Stupid Pokemon!
Wing Gundam transforms into robot mode and fires it's "Freakin' Big Blaster of Death" (FBBD), but Zechs blocks with the plushie.
Zechs: Whaaaaa! You broke my plushie! Now you must die! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's right! BUUUUURN! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Heero: Did you forget to take your medication again?
Zechs: Shut up.
Zechs crashes his Leo into Wing Gundam and jumps away. He reaches to pull the rip cord on his parachute, but…
Zechs: What do you mean I don't have a parachute?!
Otto: Sorry sir, OZ budget cuts… We didn't have enough money for parachutes.
Zechs: Grrr…
Otto: Anyway sir, the Marina Mothership is offering to bring up the unregistered Mobile Suit.
Zechs: *still falling* Umm… I don't really care about that right now…
Otto: Oh, sorry sir.
Otto flies the OZ plane down and Zechs lands on top of it.
Otto: Now about the Mobile Suit?
Zechs: Sure, tell them it sank in… Antarctica.
Otto: But it sank in the J.A.P. point of the Asia area.
Zechs: I know, that's the point. *evil laugh*
Otto: o_0
At the Spaceport where Darlian and Relena are…
Reporter 1: Mr. Darlian, what are the colonies' demands to the Earth?
Darlian: More Pokemon Cards. And some new episodes of DBZ, They're tired of reruns.
Reporter 2: It's a hostile situation with the colonies, isn't it Mr. Darlian.
Darlian: Well, they just dropped five super-powerful Mobile Suits called Gundams on the Earth, so… I dunno, maybe that's a hostile act, maybe it's not.
A High Ranking Alliance Guy (HRAG) interrupts the Reporters.
HRAG: Mr. Darlian, we have a military car waiting outside. Come quickly, or we'll be late for General Septum's sleepover.
Darlian: No, that won't do. I have to buy my rich, spoiled daughter more birthday gifts.
HRAG: Screw her, we'll call a cheap cab for her.
Relena: Don't trouble yourself over me. I'm quite capable of finding my way around the mall. Just give me your credit card.
Relena is walking home from the mall carrying a ton of shopping bags.
Relena: Father, don't you realize my birthday is coming up soon? I need more presents! (sighs) The average girl would probably flip over this. But I won't because I'm Super-Annoying-Pacifist-Princess Girl! (insert cheesy super hero music here) (Relena sees a plane fly overhead.) A military plane? This place would have already been a space harbor if it weren't for those planes! (pulls out bazooka and shoots down the plane) There, that's better. (sighs) I guess I'll head home now.
Relena walks along the dock until she notices Heero washed up on the beach.
Relena: A rabid dog! I better call Animal Control!
At the theater where Treize is watching a play.
Treize: So you lost 3 Mobile Suits?
Zechs: Actually it was only one.
Treize: but the script says you lost three.
Zechs: Well, the script is wrong. *Two Aries in Zechs' MS hanger blow up* Never mind, the script is right.
Treize: Moving on, what happened with the Gundam?
Zechs: well, I went after it in my Leo…
Treize: Mistake #1.
Zechs: … and I couldn't damage him with the bazooka, so I hit him with my Pokemon plushie
Treize: Mistake #2.
Zechs: So then he transformed into a robot and shot me with his FBBD, but I blocked with the plushie…
Treize: aaaand…
Zechs: …and then I rammed him with my Leo and jumped out.
Treize: Mistake #3. OZ can't afford parachutes.
Zechs: I learned that the hard way… *rubs butt* So what are we going to do about the Gundams?
Treize: How 'bout you let my men find the Gundam and you can go do something to piss off the Alliance… like hide their Pokemon Cards.
Zechs: kay!
At a meeting of top Alliance officials…
Treize: I'm sorry I'm late, I was just discussing plans to overthrow the Alliance with Zechs Merquise.
Alliance Guy 1: whatever. Just take a seat.
Treize sits down.
Alliance Guy 2: Yo Treize, I hear your subordinate lost 3 mobile suits while using a Pokemon plushie to fight a giant robot.
Treize: Well actually the Gundam only blew up one of the mobile suits. The other two blew up for script-continuity.
Septium: YOU WASTED 3 MOBILE SUITS JUST TO KICK SOME REBEL'S BUTT?!
Treize: Yeah, your point being?
Septium: YOU'RE ABUSING THE ALLIANCE MILITARY'S VALUABLE COMBAT RESOURCES!
Treize: Are you talking about our soldiers, or are you talking about Pokemon Cards?
Septium: POKEMON CARDS, MORON! (Gets big heart eyes) I JUST LOVE POKEMON! PIKACHU IS SOOOOOOOOO CUTE! I JUST WANT TO HUG HIM AND SQUEESE THOSE CUTE LITTLE CHEEKS!
Treize: Ooookay… Good thing Lady Une kills you in episode 7, 'cause you're starting to scare me!
Back on the beach with Relena and Heero, Heero is beginning to wake up
Relena: Oh good, he's awake. Now the animal control people can take him in!
Heero: *groggy* Oooohhhh, where am I? *sees Relena* AH!
Relena: Stop moving around, that'll just make it harder for the animal control people to capture you!!!!!
Heero: Animal control?! No way I'm getting caught by them again. Last time, they tried to neuter me!!!!! *runs away, stealing the animal control van*
Relena: Awwww! All my pets run away like that!!!!
At a Mobile Suit factory, things start blowing up…
Alliance soldier: Are we under attack?
Alliance soldier 2: No, that's why stuff is randomly blowing up!
Duo: Wheeeeee! Caffeine high! Whooooohooo!
A VERY hyperactive Duo proceeds to blow up the Mobile Suit factory.
Duo: cool!
Meanwhile, at an Alliance space port…
Trowa: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DIE! (fires a huge barrage of missiles and bullets) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who needs to aim when you have this much ammo!
Trowa proceeds to destroy the entire base with his Gundam's awesome firepower.
Trowa (eyes go wide): Oooooh, look at all the pretty explosions!
Meanwhile again, somewhere in the desert…
Alliance General: You're sure the Pokemon plushies fell in this area, are you?
Alliance Soldier 1: I think…
Alliance General: But there's nothing here!
Rasid and the Maganacs pop out of the sand and start firing.
Rasid: ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! CAUSE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Quatre: Dude, switch to decaf…
All the Alliance soldiers are destroyed except for the general.
Alliance General: But… where are the Pokemon plushies…
Quatre: Throw down your weapons and do the Chicken Dance and I'll spare your life.
Alliance General: o_0
Quatre: Too late. DIE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (kills the General)
Rasid: Now who needs decaf?
Quatre: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
On the Yangtze River, a 5th Gundam torches the alliance fleet with its flamethrowers.
Wufei: Ha! I sunk your battleship!
Alliance solder: Dude, that has to be the lamest joke ever.
Wufei: *eyes tear up* Shut up! My jokes are good! Now DIE!!!!!!! *torches the alliance solder*
On Zechs' ship-thingie…
Zechs: Hey guys, check out these sweet pictures!
Otto: Wow! These are great pictures!
Zechs: *looks at the pictures. They are of Noin posing in a bikini* Oops, wrong pictures. Here *shows them pictures of Shenlong attacking the Yangtze base*
Otto: Dude! It's like, a Gundam!
Zechs: Yep, and there are 5 of them!
Otto: Sweeeet!!!!
Zechs: Yes, it would be… If they weren't trying to kill us!
Otto: Sorry sir.
At Relena's school…
Relena fan 1: Where's Relena? It's almost time for us to sacrifice to her and she's not here yet.
Relena fan 2: I'm sure she'll be here soon, she never misses the sacrifice!
Relena fan 3: Well, she'd better hurry up, the victim's trying to escape! *points to one of the students, who is tied up and gagged*
Relena enters
Relena fans: All hail Relena! *the entire school bows down to worship Relena*
Relena fan 1: Prepare the sacrifice!
Relena: Not today, I'm too busy day-dreaming about a rabid dog I met yesterday…
In the classroom…
Teacher: Everyone, I'd like to introduce a new student to our class.
Heero: My name is Heero Yuy, it's a pleasure.
Relena: It's the rabid dog!!!!
Heero: I'm not a rabid dog!
Teacher: Take the seat beside Relena. Feel free to ask her any questions you might have.
Heero: *walks up to Relena* Hey baby, what are you doing this Friday night?
Relena: When she said "any questions" I don't think this is what she meant.
Out on the balcony.
Relena: Here you go. *hands Heero an envelope* It's an invitation to my birthday party tomorrow! *everyone claps*
Heero: *rips up the invitation; everyone claps harder*
Relena: But, but why?
Heero: Tomorrow?! How 'bout givin' a guy a little bit of advance notice! Um… I mean, I'll kill you.
Relena: What kind of weirdo is he?!