DISCLAIMER: I've only read a few plays in English, and those are Shakespeare's, so if my theatrical instructions are incorrect, feel free to tell me ^_^;
PLACE: studio of a commercial TV channel with annoyingly flashing, epilepsy-causing setting, without any intelligent design or harmony of colours.
CHARACTERS: judges (without any real function; they are only there to get their salary), contestants, annoying presenters, an audience of 200 people, and television audience of five zillion people worldwide.
Ads are omitted as the three hours of ad time had been paid by the protector of Kyoto, Lord Matsudaira Katamori of Aizu and he decided to omit any advertisement.
ANNOYING PRESENTER1 (dressed by his mom; waves, smiles to advertise his dentist who made his dentures): Welcome, this is Kyoto's Got Talent, a competition where our contestants are provided with the opportunity to show their talents or to present their exhibitionism, as we do.
ANNOYING PRESENTER2 (lots of sequins, flashes more than the setting, tries to earn his place in the sun beside his colleague, and tries to hold back himself not to push his colleague off the stage): Today's special show will feature the members of the military corps called Shinsengumi. You can vote via the phone, as usual, and we will select a winner among the voters who wins an all-inclusive weekend in Mibu with a night patrol that may involve some merry fight. No running water.
AP1: Let's get started!
(Enters the first contestant, Kondo Isami)
AP1: Our first contestant is the commander, Kondo Isami. His hobby is to chop bonsai with a miniature katana. The stage is yours!
(Kondo refuses to use the microphone offered by the presenter. He takes a deep breath, opens his mouth, and fits his fist inside.)
JUDGE1: Awesome!
JUDGE2 (mouth is wide open, drools a little): Wow!
JUDGE3 (wears glasses, poses): It is indeed superb, however, keep in mind that there are still some contestants waiting and this trick may be not enough against them.
(Judge4 yawns, Kondo bows, exeunt)
AP1: What a wonderful start, I think, the judges are pretty impressed! Does the other contestants have any chance? Let's see the next one!
(Enters Hijikata Toshizo, looks around in his morose way, narrows his eyes, and he would probably like to cut all the lights in half, but he left his sword in the dressing-room)
AP2: Hijikata Toshizo, vice-captain of the Shinsengumi. He got his stage-name, 'Toshi, the Demon' after his belly dance show, but tonight he has a different talent to show. What is it going to be?
HIJIKATA (slightly embarrassed, pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket): Haiku writing. (clears his throat and reads the text) So, so difficult / I have to write a poem / I'm fed up with it.
(the judges are all shocked, only Judge4is zealous)
JUDGE4: Brilliant! This clarity, all those simple yet deep meanings, the unity of powerful feelings and melancholy... (sheds a tear drop, Hijikata proudly exeunt)
AP1 (completely frozen, possibly has haiku-overdose): Erm...
AP2 (takes the opportunity and takes control): Let's see a similar show, presented by vice-captain Yamanami Keisuke. In his free-time, he usually lies on rails that are out of use in order to prepare spiritually for his seppuku that he has been planning for five years. Here he comes to show his angst skills!
(Enters Yamanami, looks around confused, they have to force the microphone in his hand)
AP2: So, what is this 'angst' exactly?
YAMANAMI (very embarrassed): Uhm... Like Hijikata-kun, I'd like to express the unity of powerful feelings and melancholy, or something like that...
(Starts his speech that can be omitted from the play. The stage may be darkened then the lights may be turned on again. A clock in the background shows that 42 passed. An irritated person from the audience, who doesn't like too much talk, shoots Yamanami. The vice-captain looks shocked, then, still shocked, he drops. The staff cleans the stage. The judges show how much points would they give for the gunman. AP1 is so badly affected by the haiku-overdose and the playing for time that he faints. He's pulled out along with Yamanami's body.)
AP2 (looks zealous, finally being able to be the only presenter for the show): Thank you for this fast intervention! (turns to the television audience) You can still vote, just follow the chaotic instructions that you can see on the screen. Now, it's time for a different type of act, here's the captain of the first troop, Okita Soji! You might have heard his name in connection with show-business, kite races or paedophilia scandals.
(Enters Okita, grinning, waves his hand in the direction of all cameras. An assistant follows him, who pushes a cart with a covered platter.)
AP2: He will attempt to devour a huge amount of dango within 30 seconds!
(Looks at the autocue sceptically, but the staff confirms that it's no joke. The assistant removes the cover, revealing a pile of dango. Okita attacks the dumplings, and a stop-watch is shown at the corner of the screen. At the very last second, Okita looks up half-dead, but finished all the dango that was on the platter. His mouth is full like a hamster's.)
J1: Truly amazing, you can hardly see such anim-, I mean, such hearty eater.
J3: I agree, though, he might have attempted the same with McDonald's hamburgers. Artificial food would have been a greater challenge.
J2: Yeah, it was pure genius. Let's finish this quickly, I'm starving.
(J4 is fast asleep. Okita exeunt, pirouetting, and tries hard not to throw up.)
AP2: I've just received a note that our next two contestants cannot attend the show. Suzuki Mikisaburo wanted to build a Wagon R+ from Lego, but he had a quarrel with his brother, Ito Kashitaro in the dressing-room. On the other hand, Ito-san was stabbed by vice-captain Hijikata. It is uncertain, whether the vice-captain was annoyed by Ito-san's similar show of writing poems, or by the fact that Ito-san tried to make an advance at him. We have some real drama behind the scenes, and it seems that it is caused by Ito-san's problematic personality! Anyway, they won't waste any more of our precious screen-time. Here comes Nagakura Shinpachi, and though I think he would have better chances with presenting his three-day-stubble that always stays the same, he rather entertains us with stand up comedy.
(Enters Nagakura with his three-day-stubble, pulls out a microphone that he always carries with him in his kimono's sleeve.)
NAGAKURA: So, I'm walking down the street one day, and see one of those United Choshu Loyalist Whatnot Party members, you know, who wears those ridiculous clothes. He says...
(Just like in Yamanami's case, the stage is darkened then lightened. Time passed: 15 minutes. The previous gunman seems to have reached his limit more quickly, and does not tolerate bad jokes as he shoots Nagakura, too. The body is taken away, while the judges give even higher points for the gunman.)
AP2 (without any trace of being shocked or at least confused): We are reaching our show's end. The next and final contestant is Harada Sanosuke! Harada-san holds a Guinness World Record of visiting the most brothels in the smallest amount of time, and also beat the record of Nagakura-san in avoiding bathing. However, he will present us his all-time favourite skill, failing seppuku!
(Enters Harada with a lance. He grins, loves the show.)
HARADA: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to ask those with weak nerves to switch the channel. You are about to see a very dangerous act, please, do not try this at home!
(He takes off his kimono, kneels down and tries to impale himself, but to no avail. The judges are bored with the lameness, interrupt him.)
J1: A unique technique, though, I have to admit, I don't get it...
J2 (agrees, nods): A typical example for the genius warrior who isn't understood...
(J3 simply gives a facepalm.)
J4: Erm... Isn't this harakiri thingie done with a knife? I'm not good at traditional stuff, but that's what comes to my mind...
(Harada throws down his lance.)
HARADA (notes while exeunt): Damn! I knew something was wrong! That stupid lance! (loudly) Then, maybe next time!
AP2: Well, then, the voting is over! The all-inclusive weekend in Mibu is won by Katsura Kogoro-san, congratulations, have a good time, Katsura-san! The votes are still being counted, but they will not affect the result, as I decided it on my own that tonight's winner shall be the man with the gun, sitting on seat 12 in row 4. Thank you for watching our show, next week the members of Kyoto Secret Society Obsessed With The Number Ten will be competing each other! Shishio Makoto will make 500 roasts with his bare hands, Kamatari-san will try to beat the others with his striptease performance, Anji, who was just set free from prison, will present Guilty by The Rasmus, while the 10-feet tall Fuji will fit himself in a 20*20 inch crate. See you next time! Bye!
(Exeunt.)