I'm highly anticipating the last three Chicago PD episodes, desperately waiting for some #Upstead angst...or romance...or whatever they're willing to give us!
Hailey gained the lockers room after wrapping up another hard week on the field. Everybody in the bullpen had just gone home, eager to shake off yet another horrific discovery made a few hours prior. They had found the body of the little missing five-year-old girl they had desperately been tracking down for a week. Or in that case… what was left of it. She had been buried under the basement of her house right after being butchered by her own psychopath of a father. It had taken them a whole week to finally make out he was the sick culprit they had been looking for all along. After watching him sob in front of the media, offering support and information on the investigation, it was now certified he had ended the life of a sweet innocent little human being in the most horrendous ways possible.
It always hit her hard when children were concerned by such nameless crimes perpetrated by the one person supposed to protect and cherish them. She always mulled over the fear, the pain, the helplessness and loneliness they must have endured before taking their last breath. There wasn't any space for emotions on the field but every time the curtains closed, those heart wrenching images always made her want to cry and throw up.
Maybe it was because it called up her own history, maybe it was just pure empathy and common sense.
Any way, with a heavy heart and her head in an unspeakable space, she opened her locker mechanically. A sigh of annoyance coming from behind made her stop her robotic movements to acknowledge reality.
And there he was.
She glanced behind, spotting him blatantly ignoring her while still wanting to make sure his presence was known. She breathed hard, responding to his provocation by letting him know he wasn't the only one irritated right now.
Assuredly, he had gone above and beyond all week for her to know he was barely tolerating the sight of her and she was getting really sick of the coded messages. Being his partner had been nothing but a pure nightmare and an obstacle to her efficiency on the field. That combined to the circumstances of the investigation, she hadn't experienced such a lonely and disheartening period in a long time.
He never once supported her or attempted to reassure her like he always did. He took his frustration and anger out on her every single time and when he was not being a dickhead, he would mostly avoid her like the plague. The worst being: she had no clue as to what she could have possibly done for him to give her the cold shoulder like this.
She slammed her locker shut, giving her gesture all the disappointment that had been building up to this instant before turning to him to declare:
"What the hell is your problem, Jay?" Not expecting the outburst of her confrontation, he opened his eyes wide and recoiled at her icy tone.
"I don't have a problem, it's just been a long week." He answered rudely like he had done the last few days.
She threw her hands up, all hopes for a grown and mature conversation vanishing. But not in the least losing countenance, she stepped over the bench placed in the middle of the room to lean on the locker just next to his, her other hand resting on her hip. She stared at him angrily, trying to form a correct sentence in her head that wouldn't involve a surge of insults.
She resolved to running a hand through her hair and taking a deep breath. Considering both of their frame of mind, she perceived that fury and rebellion wouldn't be her best allies right now. It wouldn't solve anything so she took the highroad, in her own style:
"You've been acting like an asshole all week but that treatment has only been reserved to me. I'm just getting sick of being your punching bag. You either tell me what is wrong with you or I'm asking for a new partner first thing in the morning." She managed to be frank and firm when deep inside, she felt disoriented as to what could have possibly drawn such a wedge between them lately.
"So you'd go from following me blind to getting a new partner. Your emotions have been all over the place recently, huh?" He retaliated ironically, turning away from her, pretending to mind his own business in his locker.
He never saw the hurt that flashed across her face. Him using such an honest and vulnerable moment against her was a cheap shot and now she hoped he had a good reason to act this way before getting to the point of no return with her.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She whispered under her breath, taking a step towards him. She had nothing to hide or to reproach herself therefore she wanted him to look into her eyes to see if the same applied to him, still willingly giving him the benefit of the doubt.
"Nothing." He was still avoiding her gaze but she put her hand under his chin to compel him into contemplating her.
"Since when are we not honest and open with each other? You should have given me the memo so I could swallow that I can not count on you anymore."
"You can't count on me. That's rich!" His whole face tensed at her words and he rebuffed her hand still holding his chin. He was so closed off she took a few steps back and sat down to breathe out all the frustration she was feeling before trying one last time to make him open up to her. After that, he would have hell to pay.
"For the last time, tell me what's going on, please? I hate us being at odds." She put her head in her hands and his heart broke at the sight of her torment, knowing perfectly well he was adding stress to her plate when she remained a blameless friend and partner. He also knew that the case had taken its toll on her as he had watched her struggle and take it all in per usual. He allowed himself to soften and placed his hand delicately on her shoulder before sitting down next to her.
"I want to tell you, really. I've been meaning to but I've been scared of how it will affect our friendship." She finally looked up and he offered a small smile as worry grew on her face.
"You're my best friend. There's nothing you can't tell me, you know that." She briefly squeezed his thigh and he was yet again amazed by her indulgence, receptiveness and will to help. He couldn't backpedal now and torture her even more.
"Hailey, I can't stop thinking about what you've said to me a few weeks ago." She frowned for a few seconds before registering the "following you blind" comment from earlier. Her frown turned to a nod and just like that, they were on the same wavelength again. Connected. They never needed words to communicate.
"That night," he paused, torn between his moral and his heart.
If he uttered another word, he could never take it back. As he dived into her mesmerizing but puzzled blue eyes, he lost track of his inner turmoil. God! If eyes were truly the window to the soul, hers also waved an open door on truth and honesty.
"Something just flipped inside of me and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks." He sighed and stood up, pacing back and forth between the two lines of lockers. He was tiptoeing around the truth as he still pondered how to explain this without screwing everything up. For them. For him.
"It?" She asked, her gaze following his every move, sensing his nerves. She wished for him to take the leap of faith. Trust her one last time.
"You're more than my partner or my friend."
There it was.
He stopped in his tracks to gauge her reaction and their eyes locked intensely: his conveyed laying it all out in the open, hers from bewilderment at him finally acknowledging what she had grown to know for quite some time now. But bewilderment soon turned into anger as her eyes darkened and her face hardened. Afraid he might have upset her for good, he was going to tell her this didn't have to change anything between them but she never gave him the chance to speak up as she told him, hostile:
"Are you saying you've been putting me through all this distress because you have feelings for me!?" She raised her eyebrows, her forehead cringing over his lame excuse.
"Yeah." He whispered, putting his head down in embarrassment as he realized what a fool he must look like right now. He was tracing invisible semicircles with his feet on the floor, not knowing how to justify his childish behavior.
"I can't believe you regressed to being a fifth grader pulling at the pigtails of the girl he likes! I'm very disappointed. Until now I thought you had a really good explanation for your absurd reactions. I even imagined the worse!"
"I know I should have handled things differently and I'm deeply sorry but I've been so disconcerted by this realization that pushing you away seemed like the easiest arrangement." At this point, he was still avoiding her cold stare.
"I don't freaking care about your apology, harm has been done! So it's easy for you to make me feel like shit?" She inquired, unforgiving.
"Don't twist my words, I never said ignoring you was easy. For your information, it was pure hell!"
"Serves you right! Have you thought for one second about being, I don't know, truthful? Or mature? Or anything but a prick?"
"You don't think I wanted to act like a normal person would? But what was I supposed to say, huh?" He shrugged his shoulders, frustrated that she was getting mad at him for trying to do the right thing to spare everyone. Even when deep down, he didn't feel justified. He knew he should have always owned up to his feelings.
She opened her mouth to retaliate but he shut her up by pursuing his monologue:
"Was I supposed to say that I've never been more open or vulnerable with anyone before and never in a million years could I have imagined you becoming so important to me? That you've pulled me from the dark more times than I can count and that the level of trust we have built is unmatched? That I love your brutal honesty, your fierceness on the job, the hidden stories behind your gorgeous blue eyes, the simple sound of your laugh and that I can't stand the thought of you with Adam? Should I have said all of that in the middle of the crime scene!?" He heard her gasp after holding her breath at the brusque disclosure of his bottled feelings. He challenged her with his gaze, his hands on his hips, asserting his sincerity.
She was discreetly breathing in and out to process that they finally were at the crossroad she had highly anticipated for months.
"Something like that, yeah." She whispered frozen, her mind incapable of coming up with a witty reply.
"Hailey, you don't understand. I couldn't do that."
"Why?"
"Because you're not just a girl I like dating a guy I work with." She raised one eyebrow, confused as to where this was going.
"You're the girl I love dating a friend of mine." Her mouth formed a mute "O" shape, still struck by all the honesty he was throwing at her. He loved her.
"But you know what, you didn't seem all that surprised by my revelation." That made her crack a smile. It wasn't.
"You know, if you had just been honest then maybe you'd have noticed."
"Noticed what?" He was the confused one now.
"That Adam and I are not together anymore." He automatically smiled from ear to ear at her statement. She reciprocated his action before moving onto saying,
"That everything with him started because of a drunken mistake when I was recovering from the thought of losing you." She pointed at him while closing in the distance between them.
"That you're the person I run to every time I falter or need comfort." She timidly put her hands around his neck as she encouraged him to pull her closer to him.
"That I think whatever we have going on here is the most solid foundation to a healthy and functional relationship. And that you and I deserve this so much." He held her tighter and put his head down so that their foreheads were touching. He caressed her cheek and planted a lingering kiss on her forehead. Such intimacy was new to both of them but curiously, everything had never felt more right than they did this instant. And that's when they knew.
"You'd just have noticed that I love you too." As she confessed what he had been dying to hear, he grabbed her chin and kissed her passionately as she squealed at his urgency.
There was no other possible ending to their story, it was always meant to be the greatest partnership of all times.