"Hi my name is Rachel Berry and I'll be singing 'on my own', by the seminal Broadway classic 'Lez Miz.' " "Fantastic let's hear it." said as I start my song, flawlessly I should mention. You might laugh because every time I sign my name I put a gold star after it, but it's a metaphor, and Metaphors are important, my gold stars are a metaphor, for me, being a star.
And just so we're clear, I want to clear up that hateful rumor, that I was the one who turned that closet case, Sandy Ryerson in because he gave Hank Fonders the solo I deserved! That's a lie. And I am not homophobic, in fact I have two gay dads, see I was born out of love, my two dads screened potential surrogates, based on beauty and I.Q, then they mixed their sperm together and used a turkey baster. To this day we don't know who's my real dad, which I think is pretty amazing. My dads spoiled me in the arts; I was given dance lessons, vocal lessons, anything to give me a competitive edge.
You might think that all the boys in school would totally want to 'tap this' but my MySpace schedule keeps me way too busy to date, I try to post a video every day, just to keep my talent alive and growing. Nowadays, being anonymous is worse than being poor. Fame is the most important thing in our culture now, and if there is one thing I've learned it's that no one's just going to hand it to you.
Immediately after I posted my video for that day, which was also 'On My Own', my inbox got a couple of messages from Quinn and Santana.
SKYSPILTS (Quinn): "if I were your parents, I would sell you back." and "please get sterilized."
HIGH_HO_CHEERIO (Santana): "I'm going to scratch out my eyes."
It hurt, yes. I guess I'm just happy they used proper grammar and punctuation; also it's just another thing to add to my autobiography. It wouldn't have even hurt that much if it wasn't Quinn who said it, Santana has always been mean to me, actually Santana has always been mean to everyone but Brittany.
But Quinn has always stayed quiet; she was always more of a bystander, letting it happen but never getting involved. But ever since 10th grade started she's worse than Santana, always the first to hurt me.
As I finished the song perfectly, as always, I started thinking about what every girl wishes for, to find a man to love her. "That was very nice Rachel." Mr. Shue said once I finished "When do we start rehearsals?!" "I will let you know tomorrow Rachel." "Ok!"
The first song was an awful choice, and I wasn't even the lead vocalist! Artie was, and me, Kurt, Tina, and Mercedes were all just back round, it was just awful! The song, the choreography, the lead, just awful! I mean, come on, a kid in a wheel chair singing 'Sit down you're rocking the boat' if I was in a wheel chair I'd be so offended!
"We suck." I said stating a fact "I-it'll get there; we just need to keep rehearsing." " , do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to give the lead solo in 'Sit down you're rocking the boat' to a boy, in a wheel chair!" "I think is using irony to enhance the performance." Artie said, I cut him off at the end "there is nothing ironic about show quire!" after I said that, I walked out, if no one is going to take me seriously then I'm not wasting my time.
My feet took me to the field; I was watching the Cheerios practice, they were flawless, yet coach Sylvester still found it necessary to scream "THAT'S SLOPPY; YOU'RE SLOPPY BABIES, JUST DISGRACEFUL, AND I WANT THE AGONY OUT OF YOUR EYES!" Quinn didn't look phased; she just got back to the starting position, and was being flawless again, like always.
Her body moved exactly the way coach Sylvester told her to, no wonder she's captain, she's amazing, I wish I was her, like me, I know she's going places, she's smart, beautiful, she's got it easy, she's probably going to wind up at Yale, or some other amazing college. Just like me. I know she's getting out of here, out of Lima. I was so deep in thought I hardly noticed sitting down behind me.
"You changed out of your costume" it wasn't a question, I learned how to put two outfits on without looking lumpy, you know, for when I get slushied, it happens four times a week, I changed on my way to the field.
"I'm tired of being laughed at." He exhaled like he was going to say something important "You're the best kid in there Rachel, it comes with a price-" I cut him off "Look, I know I'm just a sophomore, but I can feel the clock ticking away and I don't want to leave high school with nothing to show for it." I'm not willing to hear the same speech my daddies give me every time I get upset.
"You get great grades; you're a fantastic singer-"I cut him off again, "Everybody hates me." "You think glee club is gonna change that?" THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY! Oh, no, don't say 'no one hates you Rachel' you say 'you think glee club is gonna change that' that's good to say to a teenage girl! Ugh whatever.
"Being great at something is going to change it, being part of something special makes you special, right?" when I saw he wasn't going to respond quickly enough I started again.
"I need a male lead who can keep up with me vocally."
"Maybe I could coach Artie a little-"
"Look, Mr. Shue, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but if you can't give me what I need, then I'm sorry, I'm not going to keep making a fool of myself. I can't keep wasting my time with glee, it hurts too much." After I finished my speech the football coach, Coach Tanaka, whistled then yelled to Mr. Shuester "SHUESTER, FIGGINS WANTS YA." Then he drove off.
Mr. Shuester got up patted me on the shoulder, and left. I continued to watch Quinn help Santana stretch, and vice versa, they're so flexible, a couple of seconds later Quinn and I made eye contact, she was squinting, and once she realized it was me her face quickly changed to one of hate, brow furrowing and eyes staring daggers though me.
Santana followed her gaze and laughed, she leaned over her own leg, on top of Quinn's shoulder, and whispered something to her, Quinn looked extremely freaked out, and uncomfortable, and then just laughed like it was the most hilarious thing she's ever heard. Luckily coach Sylvester told them to "SHOWER AND STOP CRYING!" after I saw them fully gone, I went home.
Dad thought I was being 'ridiculous' and that I should stop being overly dramatic "I am being just dramatic enough! Where is daddy he'll understand!"
"Daddy's at work princess, he will be home to hear all about your problems later."
"Ugh! When will he be home?"
"Five o'clock."
"But dad, its 4:30, I'm going to die!"
"Call one of your friends." I frown at this.
"What friends." It wasn't a question, and I'm surprised he heard it, I said it so quietly. He put his paperwork down and took his glasses off. "Come here Princess." He extended his arms and pulled me in for a hug "I love you Baby girl." He whispered in my ear, still holding me tight. I couldn't help my face mixing in to that hard frown you get, to swallow the lump you have in your throat from trying not to cry.
With his hands on my shoulders, forcing me to look at him, he pulled away. "You're the best one in there Rachel; it comes at a disadvantage-" I cut him off "Dad."
"No Rachel, listen to me, it's important-"
"No! I know what you're going to say, you're going to tell me that I'm smart, and talented, and beautiful, and I don't have friends because they're jealous, when in reality, everyone hates me, because I'm that weird short girl, with a big nose, who's the school punching bag. So just save it dad, ok."
"Is that really how you feel Pumpkin?"
"No, I'm going to my room. Get me when dinners ready." I said it completely void of all emotion; I went upstairs and went to sleep.
I was pleased to wake feeling refreshed and happy; I finished my workout regimen, showered, got ready, went to school, and didn't get slushied. It was an amazing day! AND I found my male lead Finn Hudson! I was pleasantly surprised to hear his voice, it was amazing! We were singing 'you're the one that I want' by 'grease', and he is the Danny to my Sandy.
When the music started, I didn't expect him to even be slightly talented, you know, because he kind of looked like a giant tree monster, he still does, but his voice makes him kind of handsome! "I've got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control, because the power, you're supplying, it's electrifying" at my cue I threw my sheet music behind me because I already know all the lyrics. I was just so excited to finally find someone who complements my voice without being better than me. "you better shape up, because I need a man, but my heart is set on you, better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true"
I can tell he liked me by the way he backed away every time I got close to him, begging me to come closer as we sang together. "Nothing left, nothing left, for me to do, you're the one that I want, oh oh oh honey, the one that I want-" and then we were so rudely interrupted by Mercedes.
"OH HELL TO THE NO! Look, I am not down with this background singing nonsense, I am Beyonce, I ain't no Kelly Roland."
"Ok Mercedes, it's just one song." Mr. Shuester said "And, it is the first time we've been kind of good." Kurt added "Ok, you good white boy, I'll give you that, but you better bring it." She smiled and looked at Finn "let's run it again." she then says to Mr. Shue, he smiles "Alright! Let's do it." He clapped once "from the top!"
We practiced for hours! We were so amazing! I can't wait until Saturday; Mr. Shue said we were going on a trip!
Saturday is here! And it's our first trip as a glee club to scope out our competition, and to see what we're up against. As Finn and I stood in line, in the lobby of the Carmel High Auditorium, which they were using to sell food and drinks, we started talking,
"You're very talented." I started "Really?" he actually sounded surprised. "Yeah, I would know, I'm very talented too." He didn't respond so I continued "I think the rest of the team expects us to become an item, you, the hot male lead, and me, the stunning young ingénue that everyone roots for."
"Well, I uh, have a girlfriend."
"Really? Who is it?"
"Quinn Fabray."
WHAT!
"Cheerleader, Quinn Fabray, the president of the celibacy club!"
MY TORMENTOR!
"Almost 4 months now, she's cool… I wonder if they have sour patch kids."
That's just great, HBIC, Quinn Fabray, And Finn Hudson, together, I know this emotion, and I don't like it! She gets everything! Beauty! Brains! Popularity! Friends! And Finn Hudson! This is not fair! She gets everything!-
A bell rang signaling for us to take our seats, interrupting my mental breakdown and it's a good thing too, or else my mind would explode with jealousy of Finn… I, I meant Quinn, yes, not Finn-
I'm glad Mr. Shue started talking to distract me from that odd thought. "Hey guys, this is supposed to be our 'competition' but I honestly don't think they've got the talent that we've got, so be a good audience alright, and give them some of that good ole' McKinley High respect."
We all got settled and the announcements started. "Please give a warm buck eye state welcome to last year's regional champion, VOCAL ADRENILINE!" the crowd goes wild, and then the lights go off and it gets quiet, the curtains open and I see thirty people on stage with matching blue and black outfits "Ohio, Ohio, Ohio. They try and make me go to rehab but I won't go, go, go"
"We're d-d-domed." I heard Tina say, you could literally hear our jaws on the floor 'we are doomed.' I thought. The ride home was silent, all of us knowing we need to get 100% better.
Mr. Shue called us into the auditorium for a meeting, of the emergency kind; we're probably just going to discuss ways to better ourselves. "Hey guys, I'm going to say this the easiest way I know how. I'm leaving, I need to find a new job, I'm so sorry." What? What about all of that hope raising crap he's always talking about! "You're leaving us, when?" Artie said. I couldn't speak at the moment
"I've given my two weeks' notice, but I promise I'm going to find you guys a great replacement before I go." Why? "Is this cause those Carmel kids were so good, Cause we can work harder." Mercedes said. RACHEL SPEAK! "This isn't fair Mr. Shuester; we can't do this without you." That a girl! "So does that mean that I don't have to be, in the club, anymore, or?" Finn said. And he doesn't even care! "This isn't about you guys, being an adult is about having to make difficult choices, it's not like High School, sometimes you have to, give up the things that, you love." He paused. "One day you guys are gonna grow up and understand that. I have loved being your teacher." And then he left, he just left.
I told Mercedes that I would be filling in for Mr. Shue, in hopes of her telling everyone else. And she told everyone, but Finn!
The next week I stopped by Finn's locker, when he closed it he looked startled. "I didn't see you at glee club today." "Is that still happening?" he said. "I've taken over." "Oh." He breathed with that cute-ish smile he does sometimes "I'm interim director, but I expect the position to become permanent." Then out of nowhere Quinn and Santana show up, where's Brittany?
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-Quinn's P.O.V_-_-_-_-_-_-_
"Hi Finn, RuPaul." I say turning to look at Manhands for a split second "hey." He breathed with that annoying smile he always greets me with. "What are you doing talking to her." He looks like a stupid baby right now. "Science project, we're partners." RuPaul says quickly, like Santana and I didn't just hear their entire conversation, I ignored the 'thing' and went on.
"Christ crusaders tonight at 5:00, my house." "Sounds great." Ugh, I hate his face.
Speaking of things I hate, earlier last week Manhands sat on the bleachers and was stalking me and Santana, I didn't even notice her until my Spanish teacher, Mr. Shuester, walked to her and sat behind her off to the right. I tried ignoring her annoyingly short skirt, and the fact that she's always changing in to a different, even smaller outfit every time she gets slushied. How does she change so fast? "See something you like, Q?"
"Shut up, Santana." Where's Britt? "Where is your girlfriend, anyway?" I only said it to get a reaction from her and it worked too. "We're not dating!" where did that come from? I only said it as a joke. And she was doing the same thing to me, only what she implied was a billion times grosser. Eww, me gay? And with RuPaul! I could just throw up right now, I hate her! And it's not even possible,
Number one: I'm Christian, and Christians can't be gay and number two: I hate her! And her short skirts! I wound up staring again; squinting to make sure it was that dark pink almost purple skirt she likes to wear… That I hate! But then I realized she was looking at me as well, so I just acted like I was trying to see who she was, then I gave her my best HBIC glare. I heard Santana laugh, and I looked at her, she leaned over her leg, on top of my shoulder, and whispered in my ear "I bet you wish I was Berry."
What? Eww, I don't- wait a seco- no. eww. Quinn, SNAP OUT OF IT! And then I laughed like it was the funniest thing I've ever heard, but to be honest it scared me to death, and I just wanted to forget it, I also wanted Britt there to stop Santana from giving me images, sick, gross, nasty, disgusting images.
Thank goodness sue told us to go to the locker rooms to shower up and go home. I always shower last after everyone leaves, I like the alone time. Really, is that really the reason? YES! And it has absolutely, nothing to do with a naked Santana? EWW! NO! Ok, you keep telling yourself that. I WILL! Good.
OH MY GAY, I mean god, yes, god, not gay, I'm not gay!
I guess I should explain that. It's been happening ever since the beginning of this year, I mean, it's been happening since 8th grade but recently it's gotten a lot worse, I can't even concentrate in class, I'm practically failing everything: Social Studies, Spanish, Science, Gym; Pretty much everything but Language arts and Math. Thank goodness for Sue and the Cheerios. I swear you could commit genocide, if you have Sue; you're getting away with it.
Emma the captain before me, never passed a single class, guess where she is now, USC on a full cheerleading scholarship, and this year, I'm captain, me. Out of everyone on the team, I was chosen, Santana was a close second though, and that's really scary, I know we're best friends, but can you blame me? Even though she told me she'd never try anything, and that she was happy for me.
I have a confession, one I can't ever let leave me. About a week ago Finn went somewhere up state with his mom, to visit his uncle or something, so he wasn't here to help me get rid of 'those' thoughts like he usually does.
Puck called me, asking to hang out. I had just gotten home from school and Santana and Brittany were over, I asked them if it'd be alright if he came. We planned on drinking and talking about our problems, or in Santana's case, crying about them.
It was weird, when I asked if Puck could come and Santana replied "Sure." Britt got upset, visibly, and when Britt's sad, so is everyone around her. Santana dragged her in the hallway; they were out for a while. I took like two more shots, and put two more tally's on my wrist in green Sharpie, five minutes later they were back. Britt looked ecstatic.
Puck texted me saying that he'd be here at 9:00 PM, my parents were in New York city that week, and I asked if Britt and San could sleep over, they don't allow boy's over after 6:00 PM, but they wouldn't have been back till like Monday so it was fine.
Santana is the type of person that drinks like there's no tomorrow and makes sure that Britt does too, both of them were already down 8 shots each of Bacardi raspberry rum, and both of them weigh no more than 115 pounds, each. How would I know this? Because it's the maximum weight for a Cheerio, and I also know they didn't eat that day, Santana doesn't eat if she knows she's gonna drink, I only had three shots and ate like 7 Oreo's before that. I felt so fat and unattractive, I mean, look at them!
And right at that moment Britt took her shirt off, she gets 'Stripper Drunk', her bra was white with dark blue polka dots and a little black bow in front, and her abs were, don't even get me started.
Tell them more about how A-GAY-ZING B's body was. UGH! SHUT UP!
Not until you admit that you wanted her bra to 'mysteriously' 'fall off'. I DID NOT!
DID TOO!
Just let me tell the story!
Fine. Thank you! Where were we? Oh! Yeah, B gets 'Stripper Drunk', and she's also very affectionate with the people around her, which means, she's been making out with Santana for fifteen minutes "Guys" still making out "Guys" still making out "GUYS!" Santana slightly moves "what." She murmurs still attached to Britt "can you guys stop, you're making me uncomfortable" Britt stops kissing and looks up with a weird look on her face. "Wait, it's making you uncomfortable."
"What do you mean you?"
"Aren't you gay?"
"WHAT! NO, EW!"
"Oh, I'm sorry." Britt says.
Three seconds later Santana bursts out laughing, I just feel so, so naked and gross, and, and uncomfortable, and guilty? Why do I feel guilty?
"Why would you even think that?"
"I don't know. I just did."
"Maybe it's the fact that you've been watching us make out for ten minutes." Santana chimed in
"I have a boyfriend!"
"So do I, your point is" Britt said.
"You do?" Santana said getting upset
"Why are you getting upset, you're dating Puckerman."
"I'm not upset!"
"No, Britt. She's not upset, jealous yes, she is definitely jealous." I said trying to get her back for that whole "you've been watching us make out for ten minutes" thing. And she was the one with her tongue down Britt's throat, who I should mention is in fact, a girl! So who is she calling gay!
"How could I be jealous? I'm not with Britt like that, we're just friends! And so what, I got a little upset that one of my best friends didn't tell me something important, like, oh I don't know that fact that she got a boyfriend! And also, I'm not dating Puck!"
"Got that right." Puck said as he stuck his upper half through my window.
"So, what were you sexy's saying about me?" he said with that smirk he's always doing
"Oh nothing, just about how small your penis is." Santana said, stealing his smirk, making his expression turn into a 'what are you talking about' face, god what a cocky asshole.
By this point, I started to feel the Bacardi kicking in, and Puck brought two six packs of wine coolers, he calls them his 'I'm getting lucky drink'.
"And who exactly are you getting lucky with?" I asked out of blatant curiosity, because we all know it's not Britt, or San, and I never go far with anyone, I mean, the most I've ever done is let Finn touch my right boob.
Over the shirt, for .01 seconds. So what! I still did it! You've never touched him though, and in my opinion, that just screams gay. Well lucky for me, no one asked your opinion! Ok, you really need to snap out of this whole denial thing before it's too late, and you end up fat, ugly, and alone… with cats!
What do you mean 'denial', I am not in denial, and I'll prove it! How? I'm going to hook up with Puck. Do you remember Finn, AKA your BOYFRIEND! So what, he's not here, and every time I hook up with someone, you go away. Quinn, trust me, you don't want to do this. Yes. I do! Fine, but don't come crying to me when you get herpes or some other STD Pucks carrying. Ok!
I knew it was a bad idea, but whenever, 'those thoughts' happen I need to get rid of them. I just, have to.
It was just about 11:30 when Santana started crying and telling everyone she loved them, Britt was almost fully naked, in her bra and matching boy shorts, telling Santana "it's gonna be ok." And "I love you too." And "please stop crying, you're gonna make me cry" all while hugging her, in the sweetest way possible. I was honestly so drunk that 'those' thoughts were getting worse.
"I think we're gonna go." B said looking at Santana.
"What happened to sleeping over!" I slurred. I get a little angry when I'm drunk.
"Look at her, Q." she paused "She's really not feeling well, I have to take her home."
"Ok." I said "Feel better." Puck added.
After they left, Puck and I were playing Connect Four, you know, that game where one of you is red and the other one's black, and there's this thing that you put it in, and you have to get four in a row… I'm not very good at explaining things. But whatever, I'm just going to continue my story. We played like, nineteen games in a row; I lost all of them because I was so intoxicated.
So one thing led to another and, I started to think, 'what if I really am gay? I know I don't want to get with him' And it's those thoughts that not only scare me, but lead me to do really stupid things… I had sex with Puck. I don't know how it started I just remember him on top of me, and then me saying
"I can't do this." I couldn't really think of a reason why, I just couldn't.
"Yes you can, have another wine cooler." Trust me, I was drunk enough, so I came up with an excuse
"I'm president of the celibacy club, I took a vow."
"So did Santana and Brittany, and I had them."
"What about Finn, he's your best friend."
"Come on we're in high school, you think either one of us is gonna give a damn about Finn in three years. Life too much of experiences, you know, you don't get a metal at the finish line for being good, you just get dead."
In my drunken mind I thought that was the smartest thing anyone has ever said. And so I thought for a second,
1) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts
2) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts
3) it would get rid of 'those' thoughts
So I said what anyone would say in that situation
"Ok, but you can't tell anybody, I can't lose my rep."
And he replied "our secret, baby." And then kissed me
And then I suddenly thought 'I can't get pregnant.' So I pushed him off of me for a second and asked, "what about protection"
"I got it, trust me… This isn't just another hook up for me." he said getting a sweeter tone in his voice. As he was kissing my neck I whispered "tell me one more time." I just needed to hear someone tell me what I wanted to hear.
"You're not fat." I don't remember much after that except for the fact that it hurt and it burned and I didn't like it. Santana lost her virginity but wouldn't tell me how it felt, so I asked Britt, she said it was amazing and it didn't hurt at all, and then she started going in to detail, and Santana, told her to stop speaking, and then she stormed out of the room, which made Britt leave, but it didn't matter that she stopped speaking cause I didn't want to hear details anyway.
I feel so guilty right now, I mean, I cheated on Finn with his best friend! After Puck left that morning I woke up, cried, and then called Britt to come over with Santana, because I wanted to talk to them. But Santana was sleeping, I asked if I could come over and we could talk till San woke up.
I drove to Britt's house, it's always been the house that makes you feel more at home than when you're at your own house, I don't know how to explain it, I can just be myself there, I don't have to be Quinn Fabray: head cheerleader.
Before I left, I changed out of my cheerios uniform; apparently it was kept on, because I felt fat and didn't want him looking at my body. I changed into black yoga pants, my old pink furry slippers, I threw on my WMHS hooded sweatshirt, put on my glasses, because I was too lazy to put in my contacts, and put my hair in a messy bun. I brought I change of clothes to Britt's house cause I need to shower, and I don't want to stay at my house any longer.