AN:
This is slightly AU in the fact I have no clue what Hitomi's father is like, nor the rest of her family.
Disclaimer: I don't own Escaflowne, nor any of the characters.
What Lingers
Ch. 1
She could feel the heat of the day past seeping in through the window as she circles her legs with her arms and leaned into her knees. She was cold despite the warm weather lately.
She was always cold... it seeped in through her bones. Drenched her soul to the point she felt like breaking down when she knew she couldn't. It seemed she was only running on the pent up energy left since she'd quit track.
Her little brother was in the kitchen. She heard the sound of the microwave heating up whatever little he would be eating for supper. Instant noodles. Leftovers. Or the maybe their neighbor had made them her special care packages again. She always made such good food... but Hitomi never felt hungry.
She ate out of necessity.
Mamoru was at her door now, holding a bowl of steaming delights. Only something that smelled that good could come their neighbor.
He was still in his school uniform, and she sat up a bit straighter as he watched her expectantly.
"Change your clothes, Mamoru-chan."
"My other clothes are dirty."
Great. She'd have to do a laundry run tomorrow.
He seemed undisturbed by her presence at the window. Hair- grown out now- falling limp around her shoulders, dressed still in her work clothes. A black skirt and plain blue button up shirt. She smelled like bleach.
"Do you want some." He held out the bowl for her, as if to tempt her. She didn't want any of it.
"No... I'll eat later."
He disappeared back into the kitchen, leaving her alone again.
As so often before, her gaze drifted to the moon, just showing through the haze of Tokyo, and, as always, she felt filled with self hatred at not seeing the one thing she wanted to. Just behind the moon...
If only she was a stronger person... she may still be able to see Gaea. See i him /i in everything she did. Everywhere she went.
She'd lost it when she'd had to leave her home, taking Mamoru with her. Protection. How sad she'd been when she realized the result of her actions. The result of her actually being independent. She almost wished she hadn't left her families home, just to see it all again. To have that connection.
She always had to force herself into realizing it was for the best to leave. Her brother and her could no longer take the beatings their father dealt, and mom wasn't doing anything about it.
Sometimes the bruises were so bad she couldn't even go to school. It was a miracle she even graduated at all. A miracle she got a track scholarship to Tokyo U. If things had been different, she could still be going to school now, not working two jobs to take care of her little brother.
If things had been different she might be on Gaea.
The connected had stopped shortly after the beatings began. Something had snapped within her father, and their mother refused to see it. Refused to divorce him, and refused to do anything about it. How many times she sat with Mamoru in her room to avoid the arguing, she couldn't count.
Van knew something was wrong before they lost each other. She could i feel /i his worry, but she always passed him false feelings so he wouldn't find out the truth. Soon, she'd pushed him away completely.
She no longer saw him watching over her, and it frightened her.
At one point, she believed that if she wished hard enough, he would come for her. So in need of his comfort she pushed aside the guilty feelings over the repercussions her wishes might bring her, or others. She'd done this selfish act over and over until it became a mantra in her head.
I want to see him again. I want to see him again.
Her wishes never came true, but plenty repercussions formed.
Dropping out of track. Dropping out of school. Loosing Yukari to Amano and America. Her mother stopped returning her calls and pleads to change things...
She'd have to go to her second job in a few hours and she was already exhausted.
Mamoru was talking on the phone to someone, but she ignored it. She couldn't make out his words. She couldn't make out the four walls that surrounded her. The small futon on the floor near her feet that she had to share with her brother. The small desk that she once did homework on and that Mamoru used now.
She couldn't cry anymore. She'd cried enough already.
Van never liked it when she cried. It's been four years, and she can still picture his face perfectly. The way smelt. The way he stood. The way his eyes used to light up when he saw her, near the end... She sometimes filled her mind with him, to pass the day better. Imagined what he would look like now that he was older.
Sometimes, she pictured him as a king, standing before his people who all looked up to him, in the newly rebuilt Fanalia. Other times he was just Van. Just Van. She liked that one best.
She wondered, sometimes, why she couldn't get a hold of him if she still had him so vividly in her mind. For a few heartstopping months, she'd even pushed around the idea that perhaps something bad had happened to him. Maybe Gaea had plunged into war again.
Than the overwhelming, drowning thoughts came on. Maybe he'd cut the connection, not her. Maybe Van was married. Settled down with his own family and a dog in the castle of Fanalia. Perhaps he never really...
She loved him.
Sometimes she hated herself for not staying in the first place. But the thought of Mamoru facing their father all alone scared her more than the thought of loosing Van so she brushed that guilt aside. She wished she'd at least told him how she felt, even though she was sure he knew.
Maybe putting it into words would have been better... but she knew if that were the case it would have been worse to loose him.
She never once spoke out loud her affections for the Fanalian king since she'd come back to Earth.
Once telling Yukari the whole tale of Gaea, she'd asked how she felt about him... she simply smiled. That had been enough. Anyone can tell by just looking at her she was love... and when she was heartbroken.
Like now.
"I will never forget you..." Her breath fogged the window pane a moment before fading into nothing.
Even when I'm old.
Even when I'm broken.
Even when I'm lost.