First Harry Potter fan fiction. Rated R. Post Deathly Hallows. Mentions of self-harm, drugs, suicide. Please read and please comment

Harry opened his eyes for the time that day. It was 5:45 in the morning and he had to begin getting ready to go to his auror training program. He had been fighting with Ginny again last night and was exhausted from arguing all night and then not being able to get to sleep for hours afterward. He couldn't stand the anxiety induced by the thought of Ginny wanting to leave him and he had spent most of the night brainstorming ways he could get her to look at him the way she had when they had first started dating.

As Harry slowly sat up in bed, he could feel the sick, heavy tiredness in his bones. Troubled thoughts of Ginny finally escaped him, and all he could think about was his desperation to return to the land of dreams. It was times like this that Harry wanted out of the Auror Training Program. It had been only a year since Harry had defeated Lord Voldemort. As soon as he realized that his life was free from the burden of killing the Dark Lord and avenging his parents' ghosts, he was suddenly clueless about what he really wanted to do with himself. He had been living with the Weasleys and decided to do the only thing that had seemed logical to him at the time, which was to become an auror. Now that he was fully immersed in the program, he was feeling his motivation plunging.

The Ministry had been paying Harry monthly royalties for the trepidation he had experienced for the past few years. He had no need for a real career, but Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had guided Harry towards what they had assumed he would want to be his next step, which was to be an auror and fight against the dark arts. As Harry's relationship with Ginny fell apart, he was losing grip on deciding what he thought was important. He no longer wanted to deal with any of this. Now that he had killed the man who murdered his parents, the last thing he wanted to be involved in was the Dark Arts or the defense against them. He was just trying to experience feeling truly safe and happy for the first time in his life.

When Harry went downstairs, he was greeted by the smell of breakfast.

"Good Morning, Mrs. Weasley!" Harry said as he entered the kitchen. He immediately noticed that Ginny was there too, sitting at the table. Taken aback, Harry nervously smiled at her, unsure of what to say after their fight the night before.

"Morning Harry," Mrs. Weasley replied. She turned around to look at Harry and said, "What time did you go to bed last night? You look exhausted! If you want to get through the entire program alive, you must start getting to bed earlier."

"I know, I know," Harry mumbled. Ginny immediately got up and left the room, sighing heavily as she left. She never even looked at him.

Harry sighed as well and closed his eyes, resting his head in is hands. He felt Mrs. Weasley's hand on his shoulder and opened his eyes. A plate of eggs and toast sat in front of him.

"Thanks," Harry said quietly.

"Don't worry," Mrs. Weasley said in a kind voice. "I know she loves you, she's just confused about what she wants." Harry looked up at her. "You two have been through a lot," she continued. "You're sure to hit some rough patches. Just be patient with her."

Harry smiled, happy that she was on his side. He wasn't sure whether the whole family had heard Ginny yeling last night, but now he knew everyone must know they were fighting. Or was Ginny just taking to her mother about them? Harry ate his breakfast while talking to Mrs. Weasley about what he planned to do after he finished his first year of the auror training program. He was relieved that they had not talked about Ginny again. He needed advice, but felt embarrassed about his relationship problems around Ginny's family.

Weeks had gone by since their fight and things had only been getting worse between Harry and Ginny. Ginny didn't seem to have any interest in making up. The two used to spend most of their free time in each other's company. Lately, Ginny had found a new group of friends that she went out with often. She didn't tell anyone in her family where she was going and she would never bring Harry, or even Hermione and Ron, with her. Harry finally decided to talk to Hermione about what he should do.

Hermione lived with the Weasleys as well. She and Ron had been dating ever since their first kiss, and she began living with him again because he needed help while he and his family grieved the loss of Fred. Harry found Hermione reading in the den downstairs. He was pretty sure no one was in the vicinity so he realized he should do this now or never. He entered the room and then ended up standing at the threshold wringing his hands akwardly. Hermione looked up at him and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked. Harry chose to walk up to the couch and sit down instead of answering immediately. He was more nervous than he had anticipated he would be. For some reason, talking about his girlfriend with one of his best friends seemed so embarrassing.

"I just wanted to talk to you about something," Harry mumbled, "that is sort of... I don't know. I'm sure you've noticed that Ginny hasn't been talking to me-"

"I know-," Hermione stammered. She suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"Well," Harry continued, "I just don't know where I went wrong. She's acting as if I did something terrible to her. I don't know what to say to get her to talk to me. I mean," Harry looked at Hermione desperately, "I think she wants to leave me."

There was a silence. Hermione seemed to be thinking about what to say.

"Well," she started, "I don't really understand what it is she's angry about, but..." Hermione sighed. "She seems like she wants a change." Harry looked at her quizzically. "Change? C'mon, Hermione, I need you to be more specific than that."

"Harry," Hermione seemed exasperated. "All I can say is that she's been distancing herself from everyone in the family, not just you. She won't talk to me about you, but what I can say is that she..." Hermione trailed off and Harry glared at her, "well, it's not looking good," she finished.

Harry had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He had expected to have Hermione tell him that all women are crazy and he just needs to do something really nice and original for Ginny. The last thing he thought he would hear was that he didn't have a chance.

"You really think she wants to leave me?" Harry asked. He sounded like a lost child. Hermione looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Harry."

That night, Harry went out and bought Ginny flowers. He had decided to make a last ditch effort before he didn't have a chance. He bought a card as well. After much deliberation he decided to spill his guts in a letter, rather than just writing "Love Harry."

He wrote:

Dear Ginny,

I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I'm sorry that we fight so often. All I want is to make you happy and be your man forever. I need you to know that our relationship is the most important thing in my life. Without, you, Ginny, I am nothing. Although you haven't been talking to me, I know that you still love me. I promised you that I would love you forever, and i will stand by that as long as I live. You are my pride, my love, and my best friend. Please talk to me, Ginny. I will do anything to make us work.

Harry kept rereading the letter and decided to stop it there before he went too far. Ginny would probably be home soon so he signed the letter and put the letter and her flowers on her desk in her room and left. He went upstairs to his bed and laid down.

Suddenly a large brown owl swooped into his room. He tossed a letter onto his lap and flew out the window. Harry grabbed the note and saw that it was addressed to him. It didn't look professional. In fact, it was a single sheet of paper with some writing on it. Harry opened the note not knowing what to expect.

Harry,

Come to Geary's Coffee at 7pm. Don't tell anyone. I want you to see something.

The letter wasn't signed, but instead, simply said I'm sorry at the bottom.

Harry's heart started racing. He looked at the clock. It was 6:20. He didn't know what to do, so began to carefully examine the piece of paper. Could this be a trap from a scorned Death Eater? He knew Geary's Coffee was in Hogsmeade, but he had never been there and was anxiously racking his brains to think of anyone who had mentioned the place before. The letter looked like it was written by a female. What would someone want him to see? The letter was so completely mysterious that he had no idea what he should do? Why would they be sorry? Time was ticking by. It was now 6:30.

Harry decided to go to Geary's Coffee, but he was going to wear his Invisibility Cloak. He would only reveal himself once he felt he should. He walked over to his trunk and pulled his wand out of his belt.

"Alohomora," Harry casted. He was shaking. He was so unsure of what he was doing. The part he was most uncomfortable with was the idea of not telling anyone. What if he was walking into his death? No one would even know where he had went. Reaching down into his trunk, he pulled out a bag that contained a pill bottle. He removed the single pill and casted a single spell. The pill turned into his Invisibility Cloak. He threw it over himself and walked downstairs. He crept past Hermione and skulked outside. Harry stood outside for a few moments. He was thinking of what he should do in the case that anything terrible went down. He looked down at the note, which he still had in his hand.

Im sorry

Those words offered him a feeling of foreboding that sent a shiver through him. He let the note drop from his clutch. It almost hit the ground before it was carried away by the wind, where it flew into the distant fields surrounding the Weasley's house. Harry disapparated.

He found himself at the end of the long main road that went through Hogsmeade. He wrapped the cloak around himself tighter and adjusted his grip on his wand before he began walking towards Geary's Coffee. After weaving through Hogsmeade's many pedestrians, Harry found himself outside of the coffee shop. He looked down at his watch and realized it was 6:50. Should he go in and take a seat, or wait outside to see who would enter first? Harry decided to at least wait until 7:00 to enter the building.

Looking around the street, Harry observed that it was a slightly slower day in the busy town than usual. Five minutes had elapsed when he noticed a familiar face walking up the street. Dean Thomas was wearing a black cloak as he casually walked closer to Geary's Coffee. He came about a foot from Harry before he opened the door and stepped into the cafe. Harry knew this had to be the person he was meeting. What was the chance a friend of his would be at the same coffee house? He decided to take a seat inside and wait until 7:00 to tell Dean he was there.

Dean was sitting at the back most table by himself, when Harry entered the building. The place was mostly empty except for a group of 4 women sitting near the front window of the shop. Harry sat at an empty table directly next to where Dean sat. Harry was looking around for any sign of danger. Although Dean was here, and his feeling of impending doom had passed, Harry wanted to be vigilant in case this was a coincidence or a trap. Harry looked down at his watch again. It was precisely 7:00 when Ginny walked into the coffee shop. Harry's body went cold. What was going on? The numerous possibilities of why Ginny was there were flying through Harry's head rapidly as he watched her walk across the room, right past him, and smile as she met eyes with Dean.

"Sweetheart!" she exclaimed. Harry turned around in his seat just in time to see Ginny and her ex-boyfriend share a deep kiss.

"So, how are you?" Dean asked, smiling and holding Ginny's hand tightly.

"Really great," Ginny's voice was high pitched, "now that I finally get to see you again..."

Harry couldn't hear anything more. He felt his body stand up and walk towards the door clumsily. He knocked into two chairs as he tried to get out of the door as quickly as possible. Walking quickly down the street, Harry worked through his sudden mental paralysis to realize that he had no destination.

How long had she been lying to him? How could she do that to him? Panic was descending upon Harry. He felt as though surrounded by dementors. What would happen now? Maybe she still loved Harry. Maybe this could be fixed. Harry was trying hard to not to fixate on the idea of Ginny breaking up with him. Would she want him to move out of the Weasley's house? Where would he live? Where could he go? Harry found himself at the entrance of a small, old-looking, graveyard, located along the edge of the town. He walked through the decrepit black gate. Sitting down on a small stone bench, Harry took a deep breath and began to cry. Soon enough, Ginny would leave him for Dean and he would, once again, be all alone. What would the Weasley's think once Ginny decided to leave him after only a year of dating? What did Dean do to make her be disloyal to Harry? Harry didn't know what to do. He suddenly felt that his best move was to move out of the Weasley's that night. If Harry didn't see Ginny everyday, they might not have to confront the issue right away. It was possible she just needed some space. It was decided. He would just leave tonight. Stay at a tavern for a few days and then find some place to live. He had money that he had been waiting to invest. He couldn't live at the Weasley's forever.

Looking around the cemetery, Harry felt like joining those 6 feet below him. He had the feeling that Ginny was unhappy with him, but he never thought she could cheat. He didn't think he could even face her. What would he say? Harry decided to leave the house before she returned. He disapparated and ended up 30 feet away from the Weasley's front door. Mrs. Weasley and Hermione were inside when Harry entered the building. He silently crept past the two and went up to his room.

He transfigured his Invisibility Cloak and returned it to his trunk. While circling the room and grabbing all of his possessions, Harry thought about what to say to Mr. and Mrs. Weasley. They must know that the two were having problems. He could just say that he thought Ginny needed space and that he thought it would help fix their relationship. Shit, he could just say that he had money that he wanted to invest. He was starting to feel pretty numb. He could do this. Just walk down the stairs, talk to the people, then walk out the door.

All of his things were packed and he walked down the stairs levitating his trunk down before him.

He went to the kitchen where Hermione, Mrs. Weasley, and now Ron, were sitting and talking. They looked confused as he entered the room and said,

"I've decided that it would be for the best of my relationship with Ginny to no longer live here. I just think that maybe she needs a little space at this point of our relationship..." Harry trailed off, looking around nervously as he thought about what else he could say that would get him quickly out of the house. "I appreciate everything that you have done for me, Mrs. Weasley. I really do. I don't know what I would have done without you. I just...I just need a change."

Everyone looked at Harry dumbfounded. Mrs. Weasley opened her mouth to say something, but then just shook her head in confused disbelief. Harry took that as his cue to walked out the door. As he walked halfway across the yard a gust of wind blew past him, carrying a small piece of paper, which landed gracefully at Harry's feet. Picking it up, he realized it was the note written to him earlier that day. He looked down at it. Im Sorry, he read again. Somehow, he had almost completely forgotten about the note. Harry put the letter into his pocket and disapparated to Diagon Alley, where he entered the Leaky Cauldron. He worked through the excruciating small talk that Tom had started with him. Harry wanted nothing more than to escape to his privacy and quietly destruct. Finally, Harry was given a key to his room. He climbed the stairs, unlocked the door, and put his trunk down. Sitting on the bed to gather himself briefly, an old, ugly owl flew into the room. It dropped a letter on the bed next to Harry and left the room. Harry had no idea what to expect as he picked up the note. He couldn't possibly stand another revelation such as the one he experienced today. The note simply read:

Thanks for the flowers

Ginny

Thank you for reading! please comment! it means the world to me