Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir or anything recognizable contained herein.
A/N: I wanted to write something lighthearted and this is what I came up with! This is the most in-canon thing I've written for the fandom, and it's kind of nonsense, but hopefully it's entertaining nonsense.
I didn't add any characters because it's more of an ensemble piece, but there's also some mentioned Ivan/Mylène (natch), DJWifi (because it's basically a state of being for me), and lowkey Adrienette ('cause of course).
Summary: There were probably more reasonable ways to settle a dispute than a class-wide game of capture the flag, but this was the way that they chose. One-shot.
This Is War
No one was really sure how the class meeting had devolved into Kim committing mutiny against Marinette and declaring civil war. It was supposed to be a simple meeting. All they had to do was decide how they were going to celebrate the winter holidays: with Secret Santa or regular gift giving. The problem with regular gift giving was that it was, essentially, a popularity contest. Someone would inevitably end up with more gifts than everybody else, and someone might end up with one or even none.
Secret Santa was an equalizer. It made it so that everybody would get exactly one gift, placed a budget on the kinds of gifts given, and took out a lot of the awkwardness about what kinds of gifts were appropriate for different kinds of friends.
Marinette was all for Secret Santa, but the class was surprisingly split in the matter, and since they couldn't leave until they made a decision, the meeting dragged on. Everyone became more and more irate until, finally, Kim had rushed Marinette and tossed her over his shoulder. He continued the meeting as if using the class president as an accessory was an everyday thing.
"The rules are simple," Kim declared in a tone of authority. "There are two teams: boys versus girls!"
"There are more girls than boys," Alya deadpanned.
"Irrelevant, boys have a natural advantage over girls," he patted his hostage as if to remind them how easily he had overpowered their elected leader.
"Hand off ass, Kim!" Marinette growled at the same time Alix squawked indignantly.
Kim didn't seem concerned with her muttered threats.
"As I was saying, there are two teams, each person on each team gets three ribbons that they must keep on their person at all times. No hiding them, and no putting them on any risqué body parts. The goal is to take these ribbons from your opponents. Once you've lost all your ribbons, you're out. The war continues until one side has all the ribbons from the opposite side! If boys win, we do regular gift giving, if girls win, you can have your secret Santa."
"That doesn't even make sense," Marinette protested, slapping a hand against his back. Chloé, a girl, was the strongest proponent for showing off via gifts. While Nathanaёl, a boy, was very much in the I don't really have friends, please don't embarrass me this way camp.
"War never makes sense, but sometimes it's necessary."
Alya buried her face in her hand, "Stop being fake deep."
Nobody was actually protesting the plan, though. It probably said something about their class that their problem solving tactics included the word war. The fact that nobody so much as blinked when they all showed up to school the next day with ribbons tied all over their persons - magenta for the boys and sky blue for the girls - probably said more.
The first to fall were Ivan and Mylène. Despite the fact that there was no actual violence in their class war, they quietly decided that they didn't want to be on opposing sides and simply switched Ivan's magenta ribbons for Mylène's sky blue. It surprised nobody, and didn't even change anything. There were still the same amount of ribbons on each side.
The next to fall was Nino, for less romantic reasons. Technically. He blushed a lot as he explained how Alya ended up with his ribbons tied around her leg while still having all three of her own snugly wrapped around her right arm.
"That's not fair, she seduced him! Seducing should be illegal," Kim argued.
Alya stuck her tongue out at him, "You're just mad because you couldn't seduce your way out of a paper bag."
"The only rules you mentioned were no hiding them and no putting them in places you'd get in trouble for touching," Marinette reminded him. "Besides, all's fair in love and war!"
And just like that, the real war began.
In any battle, there are always obvious weak links, and to win a war you go after the chink in the armor. Naturally, that meant the meek must stick together. . . or so Rose thought. It was obvious to anybody with eyes that she was the weakest girl in class - she was much too gentle and trusting, she had no place in a war. Max was her counterpart in the boys' side; he had no athletic skill and was almost as honest as she was. Almost.
Max was much more devious than anybody, even Kim the Mastermind, gave him credit for. Appearing meek and harmless, he approached Rose and gave every indication that he wanted no part in the 'overblown capture the flag game.' He even took his time, getting her guard down over the course of three days, before suddenly, one day at lunch, slipping the ribbons she had been using as headbands off her head before she could even blink.
Then she burst out crying, but, "All's fair in love and war, wasn't it?"
Marinette glared at Kim's shit eating grin, but Rose patted her shoulder gently, "It's okay, I was just surprised."
"Fine," she agreed reluctantly. "But one more incident like this and the game's off."
"It's war," Kim corrected.
Right, it was war. And that was why there would be retaliation.
With the introduction of espionage, it was decided that nobody could be trusted, unless they were on your own team or already among the casualties. The girls couldn't pull off a honeypot plot the way Max had now that everyone's guards were up, but they almost didn't have to.
Adrien entered the classroom one morning missing a ribbon and explained that Chloé had essentially guilt tripped him into giving her a ribbon as a token of their friendship. Despite the fact that she refused to give him one.
Alya decided that Chloé couldn't be showing more initiative than her, and quickly stole another one of his ribbons between classes.
Juleka, of all people, cornered Nathanaёl and stole one of his ribbons, losing one of her own in the process. Alix continued the job later the same day, zooming by on her skates and ripping another ribbon he had wrapped around his arm with so much force he bore scorch marks for days.
Their forces dwindling, Kim convened the boys at lunch time and decided that initiative must be shown if they intended to survive the war.
"We need to cut the head off the snake. That snake, right there!" He pointed angrily at the table most of the girls were happily sharing food and stories around. "Look at her, with her pigtails and her deceptively innocent smile!"
"Are you talking about Marinette?" Nathanaёl asked, confusion coloring his voice.
"Yes! She is a vicious, coldblooded general and she must be dealt with immediately!"
"Are you sure you're talking about Marinette?" Adrien pressed. Vicious and coldblooded were words he was sure had never before been associated with her.
Kim scoffed, "Are you guys serious right now? Can't you see that she's the one leading the girls, planning their attacks, and coordinating everything? I bet you she was even the one that convinced Chloé to participate. Chloé doesn't care about winning this, so someone must have offered her something to do it!"
"Marinette hates Chloé," Nino pointed out.
"That's what makes it so devious! She's willing to ally with her enemy to ensure her own victory!"
Nobody actually believed his theories, but they decided that they might as well go along with it. If they intended to win, they would have to take Marinette's ribbons eventually.
Adrien wasn't sure exactly how or even why he was the one chosen to go after Marinette, but he quickly came to the conclusion that he couldn't do it. Not only was she surprisingly adept at escaping attention, but two of her ribbons were wrapped around her pigtails and he didn't want to risk hurting her attempting a hit and run. The third was around her wrist, which would require a frontal attack, and he was sure he would fail at that.
Fortunately, Adrien didn't have to be Adrien when making his attack.
Marinette jumped back when Chat Noir landed on the sidewalk in front of her in a deep bow, "Good afternoon, Princess! How are you today?"
"What - I -" Marinette's head whipped around wildly, looking for an akuma or a hidden camera or something. "Chat Noir? What are you doing here?"
"I've been looking for you."
"Me? Why?"
"See, I'm kind of an unlucky guy, and I've been thinking I should do something about it," he reached over to toy with one of the ribbons in her hair. "Every knight needs a favor from their princess for good fortune."
He thought he was quite charming. Marinette. . . not so much.
She gripped his wrist and spun him around so quickly, he didn't even have time to protest before she put enough pressure on the arm twisted behind his back to force him to his knees. "Who hired you?" Her voice was, well, vicious and coldblooded. There was no room for arguments or denials.
He did his best, anyway, "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Liar! I'm telling Ladybug you're using your powers to help some dumb boys win a game!"
"No, please, don't!" Chat cried. Literally cried. There were actual tears in his eyes. He couldn't handle losing his Lady's respect on the same day he found out Marinette was the same kind of competitive as Kim. His inner world was a fragile thing, and he'd like to keep it intact, thank you. So, he panicked, "It was Adrien Agreste!"
He almost fell on his face from how quickly she let go of him. When he turned to face her, distrust was still clear in her narrowed eyes, "Why would Adrien ask you to steal my ribbons?"
Why indeed?
"Well, he's never actually done anything like this before. And he's already one mistake away from losing. He's weak but he doesn't want to be the reason the boys lose, so just give him a break!"
Marinette gave an exasperated sigh but reached over to untie the ribbon around her wrist. She wouldn't look at him as she offered it, "Fine, he can have one. But tell him using superheroes is cheating!"
Chat Noir smiled brightly and jumped to his feet, "Thank you, Marinette, you're the best!"
She squeaked when he wrapped his arms around her waist and picked her up in a spin. But at least she didn't try to break his arm again.
Against all odds, it turned out that Marinette was in fact the general in charge of the girls' attacks, which Adrien could attest to. That was why the girls were quite displeased to realize that she had simply handed over one of her ribbons. Crush and numerical advantage notwithstanding, it was an unforgiveable offense.
At least it was until Alya revealed somebody had filmed Chat Noir spinning Marinette around in the middle of the day, and now there was a rumor going around that they were dating. Nobody in class actually believed it, but. . . on the off chance that they were, it made her practically untouchable.
It was laughably easy to stand in front of Max and glare him into submission.
"For Rose," she hissed into his ear as he meekly handed over his three ribbons.
The problem with allying with an enemy was that at any time they could decide to turn on you. Like Chloé deciding that Adrien having Marinette's ribbon tied around his wrist was inherently wrong and all but ordering him to take all three of Sabrina's ribbons.
"Treason is punishable by death," Marinette gave as explanation for why she ordered Alya and Alix to hold Chloé down in front of Nathanaёl, her ribbons for the taking.
It was a calculated sacrifice that didn't do much to injure their forces. The boys were down to three: Adrien, Nathanaёl, and Kim. Meanwhile, Marinette still had Alya, Alix, and Juleka standing beside her.
Which meant it was time to end things. Adrien and Nathanaёl were nice and all, but nice didn't win wars, so taking Kim out of the equation would be the easiest way to gain victory.
"You don't scare me," Kim declared as Marinette cornered him in an empty classroom. His magenta ribbons, wrapped around each of his upper arms and around his head, weighed heavily against him. "And I don't believe you're dating Chat Noir!"
"I'm not," Marinette confirmed with an easy smile. "And I know you're not scared of me. But I'm just the distraction, anyway."
The click of the lock sounded like a death knell.
"Parkour!" That was the only warning before Alix was flying through the air, quick hands making easy work of his headband. Alya and Juleka rushed him from the sides and though he put up a valiant fight - he managed to take Juleka's final two ribbons - he was simply outnumbered.
Just like that, the mastermind of the war, was defeated.
Nathanaёl was supposed to be easy. He was unassuming and not exactly known for being brave. He somehow ambushed Alix as she stepped out of the class and took her ribbons.
When Alix asked why he was trying to win when he had wanted Secret Santa to begin with, Nathanaёl took a moment to breathe and quickly surrendered his ribbon to Marinette.
"War makes monsters of us all," he told her in a strained voice. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
That left things in favor of the girls, two to one, and no one was honestly surprised - except Kim - when Alya was the last man standing. Both Marinette and Adrien wanted Secret Santa all along, and Alya wanted to win. Adrien graciously admitting defeat would have been enough to settle things, but Marinette felt guilty about it since Chat Noir told her he didn't want to be the reason the boys lost.
In the end, they simply switched ribbons. Nobody bothered to point out that they ended up doing the same as Ivan and Mylène.
Secret Santa was decided, Alya gloated over Kim for the rest of the semester, vicious and coldblooded became the new class motto, but things went back to normal for their class.
. . .
Until it was time to decide where they would go for their class trip. Then war was declared.
A/N: I'm not even sure what this is, but I was giggling while writing it, so I hope it amuses you even a little! It technically takes place during Season 1, I think. Obviously before the Christmas Special, so yeah.
I wrote this all in one sitting, after having written it in my head at work and then promptly forgetting it once I got home. Hopefully it's not disjointed.
Please let me know what you liked, didn't like, and what could use improvement!
~ Destiny's Sweet Melody