Title: "The Past Doesn't Matter"
Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), a bit of sappiness...
Notes: Written for Moko as birthday gift... I really hope she won't hate this too much...
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Because sometimes even the present holds a certain importance...

He awoke in the middle of the night in a cold and empty bed and, instinctively he sat up and started to look for him. He found Subaru-kun (who was wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants and looking a true temptation in them) staring out of the window with the haunted expression the boy had sometimes. He frowned. It wasn't in his power to undo the boy's past and, frankly, he didn't care that much about it.

He didn't know anything about the 'murdering bastard who had killed the boy's sister and had made Subaru-kun's life completely wretched' as Kamui-chan called that man and wasn't interested in learning anything about him. Subaru-kun was his now, he should stop thinking of the past and begin looking to the future as he was doing. Of course, the fact that he didn't remember his past at all and couldn't dwell on it anyway didn't matter to him in the slightest.

He had lost his memory when he'd been injured in an earthquake, one of the many that had occured in Tokyo recently. Apparently Subaru-kun and his friends had rescued him and Subaru-kun... had grown attached to him, kind of like a lost puppy. He had grown fond of the boy too, a strange yet beautiful boy who kept apologizing for his memory loss as if he'd been the one that had caused the earthquake, a boy that knew nothing about how to take care of himself and that could care so much about others instead.

It hadn't taken much effort to get close to the young man, to charm him with tender words and caring behavior, and persuade Subaru-kun to move in with him. Kamui-chan hadn't been pleased. The annoying brat had kept complaining about it, repeating countless times that Seishiro (yes, his name was Sakurazuka Seishiro or, at least that was the name written on his ID) would be bad for him. Seishiro, however, had the feeling Subaru-kun hadn't even considered listening to Kamui-chan and, if he had, he hadn't cared about his warning at all. He had looked almost happy when Seishiro had asked him to move in with him and that almost smile that didn't quite reach the boy's eyes but came vaguely close, had been the happiest expression anyone had managed to get from the young man. And that smile had been for Seishiro. And Seishiro had felt insanely pleased about it as if he had just gotten everything he could wish for.

Things, however, were awkward between him and Subaru-kun.

The boy was mostly like a dog that had been kicked too many times, always afraid of being hurt. He winced every time Seishiro touched him, looking at him pleadingly and rarely daring to move without asking for permission first, and this didn't exactly help making any sort of progress in their relationship. He winced this time too, as Seishiro wrapped his arms around his shoulders from behind and pulled him close. Seishiro simply pretended not to notice. He didn't care much about Subaru-kun's fear. He was sure the boy would overcome it sooner or later.

"You shouldn't be here, Subaru-kun. It's too cold for you. Come back to bed with me, I'll warm you up," he whispered sensually into the boy's ear and felt Subaru-kun shivering in his arms. He kissed the boy's neck gently, so very gently, careful not to scare him. Whatever his previous lover (who incidentally was, according to Kamui-chan, the same person as the 'murdering bastard') had done to the boy, he had never properly introduced him to the pleasure of physical contact. Subaru knew next to nothing about it. Seishiro couldn't understand how that could be. According to Kamui-chan Subaru-kun had worshipped that man, and, again according to Kamui-chan, the man had been set on owning Subaru-kun any way he could and yet he apparently had never felt the wish to claim Subaru-kun's body for himself. Okay, so Subaru-kun was missing an eye and was painfully thin but, apart from that, he was beautiful and unspoiled and just glancing at him made Seishiro's blood boil. Maybe that guy had been impotent. Yes, that must have been it. Not that Seishiro cared. According to Subaru-kun and Kamui-chan he was dead and out of Seishiro's way, so he didn't matter anymore.

Anyway, as a result, the boy had no idea how to manage any sort of physical contact that went further than a hug. Challenging... but frustrating also, especially in moments like this, when Subaru-kun looked so delicious he wanted to pin him to the wall and take him here, without preparation, without foreplay, just take him, just fuse himself with him, forever.

"Kamui... he's out there... I think," Subaru whimpered nervously, while he was trying to move further and kiss the boy's throat, kind of ruining the mood. Seishiro had always disliked the brat and hated him even more when Subaru-kun's attention was focused on him instead of Seishiro. Abruptly he turned Subaru-kun toward him and the boy tried to squirm away from his hold, frightened, arms immediately wrapping around himself as he shrunk back, apparently more afraid of touching him than of being touched. Gently but firmly Seishiro pulled him closer.

"Don't think about Kamui," he whispered in Subaru-kun's ear in a commanding tone.

"I'm sorry, Seishiro-san, I'm sorry, don't leave, I..." the boy began, trembling and curling on himself. To see him leaving was one of Subaru-kun's biggest fears. He panicked every time the idea graced his mind.

"It's okay," Seishiro lied smoothly, not really interested in causing another panic crisis. They were aesthetically pretty but right then they weren't what he wanted. "Stop worrying," he added as he nipped Subaru-kun's lobe, his fingers gently caressing Subaru-kun's cheek. He heard the boy making a tiny whimpering sound at that and he grinned as he pulled him even closer, his hand trailing over the boy's naked back sensually. He wanted to enjoy him, his presence in his arms. He wanted to be the only focus of the boy's mind. He wanted Subaru-kun and wanted Subaru-kun to want him and that was the only reason why he wasn't rushing the boy but was going slow, so very slow, wary not to frighten Subaru-kun away.

That night however Subaru couldn't stop worrying. Kamui would lose, he knew it. Kamui would lose because Subaru wouldn't be there to help him. There was a price to pay for everything one got and he... he sold Kamui and Earth's destiny to have Seishiro-san's back. For Seishiro-san to live.

When he had struck that bargain with Yuko-san he hadn't expected to end up living with the man. Seishiro-san had never cared much for Subaru so Subaru had expected things to stay as such, even if Seishiro-san was amnesiac. Instead... instead now they were living together, Seishiro-san had asked Subaru to live with him... and their life together wouldn't last because Subaru had sold Earth's destiny away to have Seishiro-san back at least for the short time Earth still had to live. He was going to cause Seishiro-san's death another time and he knew it. He alone would be responsible for Kamui's failure and... Tears dripped from his eyes silently as he tried to remain perfectly still in Seishiro-san's embrace. He never knew how to react to the man's advances and all he tried to do during them was to be quiet and not bother him. He was afraid of touching him. When he did so, on the bridge, Seishiro-san... Seishiro-san almost... Seishiro-san sighed and pulled back as he saw his silent tears.

"Come back to bed, Subaru-kun. You look tired," the man stated with a sigh.

"I don't want you to die, Seishiro-san," Subaru whimpered. "I don't want you to..."

Seishiro-san took his face between his hands then, gently, so very gently Subaru could almost delude himself the man felt something for him.

"I've no reason to die, Subaru-kun, and you have nothing to worry about," the man reassured him. "I won't die, not now that I've everything I could wish for. Not now that I have you."

Subaru blinked at that, unable to figure how he entered into the equation. He... did he make Seishiro-san wish to live? But... but Seishiro-san had tried to use Subaru to die and... Was that another lie?

"I won't die now that I have you," the man stated and there was something raw and honest in his voice as he hugged Subaru possessively, pulling him against his chest. Subaru hesitated before relaxing into his hold, snuggling against the man's chest. Seishiro-san had him now. He could take everything from him and Subaru would deny him nothing. He wouldn't have been able to deny him anything before either but... but maybe Seishiro-san didn't know that. Maybe he didn't know all he had to do was to ask Subaru to do something and Subaru would do it, no matter what, no matter the price. Now, however, Seishiro-san seemed to know... and seemed to appreciate it, to give it some value, a value high enough for the man to wish to live. All of sudden Subaru felt important, wanted, and that was too good to put it in words.

"Yes, you have me. All of me. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he stated, his voice muffled against Seishiro-san's chest. Seishiro-san turned Subaru's face toward him and grinned before picking Subaru up in his arms as he used to do when Subaru had been a teenager.

"Then stop worrying and let me try to warm you up," he countered and Subaru almost blushed as he nodded and let himself be carried away. Seishiro-san wanted to live. Seishiro-san wanted him to not worry. And Seishiro-san wanted him. Subaru curled against him and prayed for Kamui to manage even without him. Because, no matter what, he couldn't leave Seishiro-san alone, not even for a minute and, after all, despite Yuko-san's words he believed he didn't amount to very much. Surely Kamui would manage to face the last battle on his own... or at least Subaru hoped so. Seishiro-san laid him down on the bed gently and Subaru looked up at him nervously. Seishiro smiled and kissed him gently before moving to curl back next to him, trapping Subaru in the safe shelter of his arms. Sometimes Subaru had the feeling Seishiro-san wanted to do more than that, but Seishiro-san never forced him and Subaru had no idea what to ask for or if he wanted to ask for something. After all, all he wanted was Seishiro-san alive and happy. Nothing else mattered, not his past, dark and ruined, not his future, short and about to meet its end. Only Seishiro's present happiness and right then Seishiro wanted him to sleep. And so Subaru curled against him and tried to and, as he felt the man caressing his hair he realized he didn't want to die either. Now that he had Seishiro-san he could almost wish to live...

JJ's Extra Notes:
I really, really wanted to write something happy... and after many attempts it turned out like that instead... With Subaru making a bargain with Yuko so Seishiro's wound wasn't fatal and ergo he didn't die at Rainbow Bridge but he lost his memory instead...
I know Seishiro isn't the loving Seishiro many wish for... but I wanted amnesiac Seishiro to be similar to normal Seishiro, at least in character. Possessive, egocentric and childish.
As for Subaru... well, Subaru being Subaru can't be cheerful and chipper but he's happier than he had been in ages... his own way...
As for the end of the world... well, the manga is still unfinished and so far what looks like the last battle is being fought in daytime and not during the night but... but it might be not the last and so... Also in the manga Subaru's role is to help Kamui to realize he has another wish. The fact he's not going to fight anymore might stop Kamui from doing so... with tremendous results... however... being with Seishiro would keep Subaru happy until the end of the world... so I don't think he struck a bad bargain...

Dictionary:
-kun: Young
-san: "Mr." or "Mrs."

Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!