((Author's Notes: A first attempt to write a RK fic. A first attempt after a long hiatus in writing fanfiction. This is just a prelude, just to generate interest in the story. It's meant to be simple and short. It will tell me if there's a need to continue this story. So enjoy.))
Reminiscing of those bittersweet times…
Who would know?
(Loose translations of the lyrics from Biarlah Rahsia or Let It Be A Secret by Siti Nurhaliza)
'How did things ended up this way?'
Her feet pounded against the shiny, newly polished marble floors as she continued running. She could feel the impact of her feet hitting against the floor, even though she was wearing her running shoes. Her soles were beginning to hurt. Her thighs and calves were aching, screaming as they drowned in lactic acid. Yet she continued to run, tears blurring her vision. It felt like she was viewing the world through a veil of mist, a mist which she couldn't seem to remove. The overhead lights shone brightly on her as the thin sheet of perspiration covering her glistened under the glaring lights. It was being on an operating table. Flesh exposed. But now, it was more than just her skin that was exposed. Her insides, her very heart and soul too were flung out of her body for everyone to scrutinize under those blinding lights. How she felt as if she was raped of her emotions, swarms of eyes molesting every fibre of her being as bystanders continued watching her.
'Please… Don't leave… Don't you dare leave you stupid Tenken…'
Makimachi Misao continued sprinting through the sea of moving people, most giving her an odd look as they watched her run blindly through the crowd. She couldn't be bothered about anyone for now. No one, not even the world matter to her. Not the Gods. Not the blasting air-conditioners in the buildings that made her burning flesh freeze. Nothing. After all, how could anything matter when she had committed the biggest sin of the century? How can anything matter when your world came crumbling down, slowly being shredded by your own claws even without one realising it? It was a horrible, twisted feeling. She felt as if she had been tearing her hair out without knowing and finally viewing herself in a full length mirror. It was like dying, slowly suffocating, only to realise that the person who had murdered her, the one who had offered her to Death itself was no one else but herself. She had no one else to blame. Just her.
'Just me.'
It wasn't fair. Of course it wasn't fair. After all, no one had a code of honour to follow in love. It wasn't like the fights or tournaments she was so used to joining. No. The rules that governed the battle of love and life were completely different. Completely abstract. Completely abstruse. Yet only fully understood in such predicaments when one finally realises that the only person that mattered the most was gone.
Or going.
'Please… Sou-kun…'
The announcements of the flights departing only made her run even faster, adrenaline being forcefully pumped into her muscles. Strands of wild hair stuck out messily from her braids and clung to her wet skin for dear life. Her messy low braid, a trademark since elementary times, swung with every movement she made. It swayed violent from side to side, slapping her bare arms. It hurt. Yes, how it hurt so. Yet nothing hurt as much as her heart. Nothing probably hurt as much as knowing how much she had hurt him. She didn't mean to. She really thought that he was always there for her. That he was happy for her own happiness. It was nearly impossible to tell if he ever harboured any ill feelings towards anyone with that permanent smile plastered on his childish face. She truly believed in his words, in that promise he made, of being happy when she was happy.
How selfish.
Both of them were selfish. He had never considered her feelings. Perhaps he did. Maybe he knew that it would come to this, someday. That was why he kept all his feelings buried. That was why affections between them didn't exist. How selfish of him to leave her so abruptly, just like this. Even though he knew that she would care…
How selfish of her as well, to have been ignorant of his feelings all these years. To be ignorant of all his sacrifices. Large, warm drops of tears continued pouring out of her eyes, like a broken dam. They cascaded down her reddening cheeks, cooling her burning cheeks. It wasn't fair. Panting hard, she made a sharp turn, barely looking up to see the bright and bold 'Departure' sign. Her lungs screamed, her muscles ached, yet she continued on forward. She couldn't let him leave. Yet that simple mission to see his face, to stretch out and touch him, lock him in her embrace, seemed impossible. How could anything be possible when guilt weighed her down, sorrow hung about her like an impenetrable fog with hurt and grief acting like chains that held her back? Her plethora of insecurities came rushing back in full force, slamming into her. It was all her fault that things ended up this way. She knew it. Only at the end, when things mattered the most… Only then she finally realised that she was going to lose the very person who had truly cared for her all along.
To lose that smile. His annoying teasing. Those warm brown eyes. The petite yet lean frame that held her close when she was upset. Oh goodness, she could almost kill herself when realisation dawned an hour ago. When she logged on to her Msn account and saw his unusual display name. Soujiro usually showed the ridiculous looking smiling face emoticon in his display name just beside his full name but this time round, he didn't. Immediately, as her gaze fell to his name on her list, she felt something was amiss.
'Doesn't exist.'
Curiosity killed the cat more than nine times yet she just had to open a conversation window with him.
"What doesn't exist?" She asked, confusion and worry arising within her. She didn't even bother with the usual greetings, using those highly annoying yet adorable emoticons. No, today was… Different. Somehow. Her instincts told her that. After observing him the past week. After seeing his face when she announced to him the biggest news of the century. Yes, he smiled cheerfully, laughed and danced with her even. Yet she swore, for that split second, she saw that remarkably brief crestfallen Soujiro standing before her. She saw the anguish, the pain, that undeniable sorrow, flash in those haunting blue eyes of his. Even if it was only for that split second.
"A lot of things don't exist in this world, Misao-chan."
The reply took a full minute. It sounded normal enough. But… Even though she knew it was impossible, Misao couldn't help but to feel as if Soujiro had hesitated before sending that message. Of course, it was just an assumption. Just like how she had assumed that he was happy for her all these while. After all, how could one tell the tone, the emotions and hesitation from a flat computer screen? One could only assume. They were just words.
Yes, just words all along.
Just words.
For some reason, knowing that all that they had exchanged for the past week were just merely words hurt a lot. It hurt because the words did not convey the true message. The words didn't convey his feelings. It was if he had been lying to her the entire week. It was just words and merely words. They had nothing, meant nothing.
"Liar." She typed back the instant she saw his reply. "Sou-kun… Tell me, honestly, what really doesn't exist for you?"
This time, it took him five minutes before he replied. Somehow, deep down, she felt his pain, his regrets, the hesitation that held him back. Call it a female's instinct. She could just feel it. She could feel her senses tingling as she anxiously waited for his reply. 'He's busy," She told herself.
A denial.
Finally, it came.
"Your love."
He logged off.