Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
I was staring at the wall of my hotel room. I have been staring at it for two hours, now. I can barely breathe; my mind is rushing with mixed thoughts. Although I can remember the account of events so clearly, it felt like a blur to me. As I sat there, helplessly, new questions came into my mind. How did this happen? How did we get here? Why did we make it worse than it was suppose to be? I wiped away my mascara tears as I tried to reminisce of what just happened.
I finally stand up with my own two feet. My legs were a bit shaky and I felt like I was going to fall over. But I got up with little strength and trying not to fall over. I looked at the messed up hotel room. It looked like a drunken ass guitarist from a metal band trashed the hotel room. I sighed out of relief and stress. How the hell did we get here?
I walked over by my bed rest, trying to stay away from the glass from cutting my skin, and looked over at the picture of me and my boyfriend. It was March 11th, 2005, better known as 311 day. I remember this date as our first date and when he asked to be mine. We stayed at his house and sat on his couch to watch past 311 day concerts on DVD. I was sitting on his lap and taking pictures of us out of boredom. We looked happy and in love, even though it was our first date.
Before I dated him and actually met him, I knew him from his work. You may know him as Chris Sabin, the high flying, four time X division champion. But to me, he's Josh Harter. The sweetest, cutest, yet, what I call, "adorkable" guy I have ever met. From the time I saw him at Final Resolution 2005, I knew it would be interesting relationship from the start.
But now, it's just a ruined mess. Those five years I had with him, it's down the drain. Or that's what I think. He probably thinks that too.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
The problem, that's another story. But the fight, let's just it got way out of hand and didn't mean to be that far. All I can remember was hearing glass shattering, voices screaming, and a whole new side of Josh that I have never seen.
Might as well move my life on and move on from Josh…no. I just need time to think, and time to be away from him.
1:10 AM
Damn it! I can't take it anymore. Thinking of the situation made me think more of him. I need to talk to this with Josh. It's just messing up my mind right now. I can't think straight, I can't stand straight, my vision messed up, and most of all I'm messed up. And he's the only one that can make things better when I'm at my lowest.
I grabbed my iPhone off of my nightstand. As I hit the black round "square" button, another picture of Josh and I came up. It was the January 4th iMPACT! show and we decided to take some pictures for the occasion. I was curled up in a ball and had my arms around him. He took the picture and he was looking down on me. It was all smiles in the picture and we were looking like a happily married couple.
As soon as I saw that picture, I couldn't help but to shed a tear. I can't help it that I miss his face, his smile, his warm body, his fun personality, and the way he cares about me. I love him the way he was and I had to screw it up by fighting and arguing with him. I don't remember what the hell we fought about because of how much crying I had to deal with.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I unlocked the phone and called Josh. As the dial tone was ringing, my heart was beating faster and I couldn't breathe from all the crying.
"Hey…"
"Hey…"
"I'm sorry I can't be able to get to the phone right now. So if you want to call back…call this number. 1-696-696-6969. Thanks!"
I chuckled at his voicemail. Josh and I had a little inside joke, along with his best friend, tag team partner, and his "lifetime partner", Alex Shelley.
"Hey Josh. It's Danielle. Could you please pick up the phone? I know you're there…hopefully not drinking," I sighed. I waited for an answer, but there was no one on the other line. "You might be sleeping and might be hearing this in the morning. But I'm going to tell you how I'm feeling right now."
I sighed and couldn't help but to cry again, "I'm sorry…for what happened tonight...I want everything between us to be fine again."
"It's a quarter after one and…I need you…now. I know you might be thinking this is some kind of joke. It's not. Can you not hear how much…I'm in pain?! How much…I'm messed up?! How much I have been crying for you?!? HOW MUCH…" I said as my voice rose. I scared myself of how much anger I had in my body. I calmed myself down before getting back to where I was.
"I said I wouldn't call but I've been thinking about you…and me…and us. I want you and me to be us once again…"
I stop to think. Is this all worth it? Do I want another fight to happen again? Do I want to risk this for another teeny fight?
"…just call me back when you get this. Bye."
I hanged up the phone and sat it down. I slid down the wall into a fetal position and crying to myself.