The Present:
The pub lights were dim, making it easy for him to forget the two year old ghost sitting beside him shaking her red head disapprovingly. He closed his eyes tight trying to get rid of her but how exactly do you forget the only girl who ever really mattered? Jay opened his eyes again to find an empty chair and an unstoppable ache in his heart. Two years and he still missed her like it was yesterday.
The Past:
"I figured I'd find you here." she said, sliding onto the barstool beside him.
Jay grunted a greeting as he finished off the jack and coke in front of him then motioned for the bartender to bring him another one.
"How many have you had?" Ellie asked, watching as the bartender sat the new drink in front of Jay.
Jay rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Not enough to listen to you lecture me. You want one?"
Ellie shook her head no then after a long pause added, "Jay, I'm worried about you."
"Awe, that's sweet Red, really...but I can take care of myself." Jay replied sarcastically, lifting the liquor to his lips.
"Really?" Ellie questioned. "Because from where I'm sitting you're not doing a very good job."
Jay leveled her with his blue eyes, "Then maybe you should change seats."
The Present:
Jay stared down at the full glass in front of him. The same glass that had been sitting there since he'd first walked into the bar and ordered it. It had been four years since his last drink, four years since the redhead had changed his life.
It had become a standard routine: get up, go to work, clock out, find the nearest bar, order a drink. The only problem was that once the drink was in front of him he couldn't bring himself to drink it. He could see her green eyes dancing in the liquid, pleading with him not to go down that road again.
The Past:
"You're not going to find your answers at the bottom of a bottle, Jay." Ellie insisted.
"Maybe not, but half way through the bottle I'm too numb to keep asking the questions." Jay had replied. "Why do you care anyway?"
She shrugged, offering him a small friendly smile. "I don't know, I just do."
"Yeah, well you're the only one." Jay stated flatly as the alcohol slid down his throat and landed in his empty stomach.
"Oh, poor Jay, life's just so rough." Ellie said with a roll of her eyes. "If you want me to join your pity party you're going to have to do a little better than that."
"What makes you think I want you to join my party?" Jay asked, c0cking his eyebrow and finishing off his drink.
Ellie smirked, "If you didn't want me to find you, you'd change bars."
The Present:
The buzz of Jay's cell phone drew him back into reality. He looked down to see the familiar number of Cameron's Custom Cars flash across the screen. Sean, his best friend, was always trying to play the hero. Sean, whose life always seemed to fall right into place with the perfect wife, and the perfect kids, and the perfect job, it just didn't seem fair.
Jay silenced the phone with the push of a button and slipped it into his back pocket. He looked back down at the drink in front of him and with a sigh pushed it away. He stood up, shrugging into his jacket as he laid some cash on the bar and made his way to the door.
Outside the wind had picked up, slipping down the back of Jay's jacket and t-shirt causing the hair on the back of his neck to stand up. But Jay didn't feel it. He hadn't felt anything in years. A permanent numbness had take over around the same time that Ellie had left.
The Past:
Jay leaned against the doorframe watching as the redhead rushed around their tiny apartment bedroom throwing clothes into an opened suitcase. Her back purposely turned towards him.
"Why are you doing this?" Jay asked, his voice laced with anger and an underlying hint of hurt.
"I told you, he needs my help." Ellie replied, trying her best to keep her voice from breaking.
"And I'm supposed to what, wait around until he's finished stringing you along?" Jay shot back in annoyance. "It's not going to happen, El. If you do this, if you leave to chase the rock star around the world, I won't be here when you decide to come home."
Jay watched as Ellie's movements stilled. He waited for her to face him, to say something, anything to prove that the last couple of years hadn't been a mistake. After several minutes that felt like hours in the heated silence, Jay shook his head pushing himself off the doorframe. With a final fleeting look he made his way down the hall and out of the apartment.
The Present:
The apartment that he shared with Ellie had been the only place that had ever felt like home. He'd only gone back once after she left to pack up his essentials. The rest of their things had sat there until Alex had taken over the lease. Alex had been the one to pack up everything else and ship it to a storage facility somewhere in downtown Toronto.
Jay unlocked the door to his own apartment, slipping into the quiet darkness that would never remind him of Ellie. He made his way down the hall to the tiny bedroom that was barely big enough for the full sized bed that his mom had given him before she moved back to Montreal. He'd thought about going with her, leaving Toronto completely behind but something had held him there. Something inside of him wouldn't let him give up that easily.
The Past:
The moonlight drifted into the room, splashing across pale skin and red tendrils. Jay stood by the window entranced by the goddess wrapped in his bed sheets. How had she gotten there? How had he been so lucky?
She shifted, a red strand of hair falling into her face. With a haggard breath, her green eyes fluttered open. After a few seconds of uncertainty a smile turned up the corners of her lips.
Despite his best efforts Jay smiled too, causing a small dimple to dent his cheek. His blue eyes flashed with the aftermath of lust as they traveled the line of the blankets hugging her hips. Her skin had been soft, sweet, unlike the girls he was used to. He had no idea what she saw in him that had gotten her to fall into his bed but he wasn't about to second-guess it.
Even in the darkness he could see the blush creeping up her neck. There was a rustle of fabric as she sat up holding the blankets close to keep from being too exposed, too vulnerable. He knew he should look away, give her a chance to pull herself together but he couldn't stop staring. He was afraid the second he took his eyes off of her, she'd disappear and it would all turn out to be a dream.
She padded her way across the carpet on bare feet. Her green eyes locked on his blue ones as she pushed herself up on tiptoes and softly kissed his full lips. She pulled back, her thumb lightly grazing the stubble forming on his cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere." she said as if reading his mind.
He wanted to believe her, wanted to believe he'd finally found something worth holding on to but life had a funny way of slapping you in the face when you least expected it. He turned her around and pulled her back against him, wrapping his arms securely around her, just to be sure. He could smell the lilac shampoo she'd washed her hair with that morning. It was mixed with the fruity smell of lotion and the sweaty smell of sex. He closed his eyes breathing her in as he ran his hand across the flat of her stomach. He was taking it all in, burning it into his memory, just in case fate decided to rear its ugly head.
The Present:
He could still smell it, the sweet smell of lilacs. It haunted his dreams, drifting into his nostrils and jerking him awake in the middle of the night. Some nights he'd force himself to stay awake just so he wouldn't have to remember her. He'd force himself to count the tiles in the ceiling or recall the details of his childhood in Montreal, anything to keep from seeing her face or tasting her lips.
He'd had nightmares before. When he was little it was monsters in the closet or under the bed. As a teen it had been his father coming back. But these dreams of Ellie were different. They were vivid, and intense. They left him wanting her and loathing her all at the same time.
The Dream:
"Do you love me?" she whispered. The warmth of her breath tickled Jay's ear but when he opened his eyes she wasn't there.
"Ellie?" he called out, trying to look around but he couldn't move. He was tied to a chair, the ropes cutting into his skin, biting as he strained against them.
The air around him filled with her laughter, more of a giggle really and he could faintly smell the lilacs. But still he couldn't see her.
"Ellie," he called again. "Where are you?"
"Right here, silly." she replied, her smiling face finally appearing in front of him. She sat on his lap, lightly brushing her finger up and down his arms, relieving the rope burns. She placed a light kiss on his temple before adding, "You still haven't answered my question. Do you love me?"
He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. They choked in the back of his throat as Ellie's face fell. She nodded leaning in and pressing her soft sweet lips against his. She had to know how he felt. She just HAD to.
"I…" Jay started, finally finding his voice.
Ellie silenced him by placing a finger on his lips then just as quickly as she'd appeared she disappeared.
Jay strained against the ropes again, the coarse material rubbing against his skin, pinching and pulling. If he could just get loose he could find her.
Once again the room filled with her laughter causing Jay to stop struggling. Across the room he could faintly make out Ellie's shape. Jay strained against the darkness to see her better, to see her face, her smile.
"Stop that tickles." she squealed, causing every hair on the back of Jay's neck to stand up.
A fog lifted allowing Jay to see what was making Ellie squeal in delight. She was straddling Manning's lap, his lips working their way down her neck and across her collarbone. His fingers traced the line of her spine, skimming over her exposed skin, sliding her bra strap down her pale arm.
Jay tried to look away, tried to close his eye against the image but he couldn't. He was forced to watch as the wicked little smile that had turned him on in the heat of passion flitted across her face for another guy. She bit her cherry lip, her green eyes shining with fire and ice. The scent of lilacs started to mix with the smell of sweat, the smell Jay would never forget.
"Do you love me?" she asked, staring directly at Jay as Craig continued to kiss her skin.
The Present:
Jay jerked awake, the scent of lilacs following him from his dream. The sheets had wound themselves around him, feeling much like the ropes that had held him in place. His heart ached, his head throbbed, and every muscle in his body was tight from the struggle.
Jay shot a weary look at the alarm clock that wasn't due to go off for another two hours. Four o'clock in the morning. The dream had lasted longer than normal but it had been the same one. Ellie in Craig's arms, it was more than just a nightmare. It was reality. His own personal hell and he had to live it everyday.
Jay slowly sat up as his breathing began to return to normal and the lilac's began to drift away. There was no use going back to bed at this point. It would undoubtedly end the same way, with the same dream. He climbed out of bed and made his way across the hall to the bathroom.
The Past:
Jay made his way through the aisles of the local supermarket. His cart was nowhere near full with his standard TV dinner and liter of pop. He made his way into the line and scanned the racks on either side. He added a pack of Winterfresh gum to the cart just as his eyes landed on the latest STAR headline.
'Rock Superstar Craig Manning and his latest Groupie'
Beneath the headline was a picture Jay would never be able to get out of his head, Craig with one arm around Ellie's shoulders. That smile, the one very few people ever got to see and even less were able to bring out, lighting up her gorgeous face. It had made him angry and sad and relieved all at the same time.
He added it to the cart as the line moved; face down so he wouldn't have to look into the eyes of betrayal.
"He's just a friend, Jay." she kept insisting. "There's nothing going on."
But the proof was right there in black and white, Craig Manning and his newest groupie, Ellie Nash.
The Present:
That was the first time Jay had ventured back into a bar. That was the first time he ordered a drink and stared into it until his vision went blurred from lack of sleep and the tiny voice in the back of his head won out causing him to push it away.
He'd thought it all along, somewhere in the back of his head, there had to be something more than just friendship between them. But it had never really set in until he'd seen it for himself.
In the end it had been Alex that had discovered Jay's dirty little secret. She'd been the one who'd stumbled upon him as he sat on a darkened barstool with a full glass in front of him.
The Past:
"Jay!" Alex spoke, causing him to look away from the liquid floating in front of him.
Her milk chocolate eyes turned an almost black and it caused Jay to turn away quickly. They'd somehow managed to become friends after their messy break up and seeing that look of disappointment on her face once again was almost unbearable.
"What happened?" she asked, sliding onto the stool next to him. "Did you hear from Ellie?"
He shook his head no then pulled the magazine out of his back pocket. He quickly unfolded it, not bothering to give it a second glance as he slid it across the bar to rest in front of her. There was a few seconds of silence as Alex skimmed the cover, the picture that Jay saw every time he closed his eyes.
"You know you can't believe everything you read, Jay." Alex stated, folding the magazine back up. "Especially something you find in the check out aisle."
"What should I believe in, Lex?" Jay asked with a little shrug. "Should I believe she'll suddenly decide to come back, to come home?"
"Maybe." Alex replied with a small smile. She reached over taking the glass from between Jay's hands then in one quick motion she drank the whole thing down. She sat it back on the bar before looking back up at Jay, "Anything's better than this."
The Present:
Jay stepped into the shower, letting the hot water pour down over his tight muscles. A fog started at his feet and worked its way up, engulfing everything in its path. It was easy to get lost in the steam, to forget everything and everyone.
Eventually the water ran cold and Jay was forced to step out of the relaxing waterfall and right back into reality.
The Past:
Jay heard his phone ringing before he even reached the door. He frantically searched for the keys only to have them tumble out of his pocket and onto the floor. He cursed silently as he bent down to pick them up and quickly unlocked the door. But he was too late the answering machine beeped and the apartment filled with Ellie's voice.
"Jay?" she asked, her voice barely audible over the commotion in the background. Her sigh traveled over the phone lines as she cleared her throat and spoke a little louder. "Jay if you're there please pick up."
Jay couldn't move. He was rooted to the spot. The door behind him still stood open, his hand tightly gripping the doorknob, the keys still hanging from the lock. He could hear the beat of his heart echoing in his ears as he tried to force himself to breath.
"Okay," she added after a short pause. "Maybe you're not home."
Her voice was small, tired almost weak as it came over the phone line. It caused a lump to form in Jay's throat.
"Alex called." Ellie continued. "She said she found you in a bar the other night. Please tell me you're not drinking again Jay. Please tell me you're okay."
There was another pause as Ellie's last word's echoed in Jay's head. "Please tell me you're okay." He wanted to pick up the phone, to scream and yell, "How could I possibly be okay? You left and I'm stuck here." But still he didn't move.
She sighed again and Jay could picture her standing by a pay phone a strand of red hair twisted around her finger, her green eyes trained on the ground. Her voice pushed the image away as she continued, "I…I've got to go the bus is about to leave. I just…I don't know, wanted to hear your voice I guess. I'm sorry Jay, for everything."
"Hey El, lets go!" another familiar voice echoed through out the quite apartment causing every hair on the back of Jay's neck to stand up. Manning.
Jay finally pushed himself towards the answering machine, hitting the stop button followed by the erase button. Then he turned around and walked right back out of his apartment shutting the door behind him.
The Present:
Jay shook his head, letting the memory and the water fall away. He wrapped a towel around his waist and made his way over to the sink. His reflection starred back at him, ragged and worn from having to grow up way too fast. A five o'clock shadow darkened the lower half of his face and black circles permanently surrounded his eyes. He rolled his eyes at his reflection as he lathered his jaw with shaving cream.
The Past:
Jay slid the razor down the side of his cheek cringing when it nicked his skin. His eyes locked on Ellie's reflection as she entered the bathroom, slipping her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his bare back.
He dropped the razor into the water pooling in the sink as he looked down at her. He twisted around in her arms so they were facing each other then leaned down and kissed the tip of her nose.
"Good morning." she said smiling up at him. Her arms let loose off his waist as she reached around him grabbing a towel. She used it to wipe the rest of the shaving cream from his jaw before dabbing at the little trickle of blood that was trailing down towards his neck from the tiny cut in his cheek.
Jay tucked Ellie's hair back behind her ears then cupping the side of her face leaned down and kissed her. Cherry flavored Chap Stick ticked his taste buds as his tongue slid between her lips. He moved his hands down the side of her arms before resting them on her hips and drawing her closer.
"What was that for?" she asked when Jay pulled back for oxygen.
Jay shrugged, a little smirk playing at the corner of his lips, "Maybe for changing my life."
Ellie shook her head no, "You did that all yourself. I just came along for the ride."
The Present:
"Are you purposely ignoring my phone calls?" Sean asked as Jay made his way into the garage.
"Battery died." Jay lied as he popped the hood on the Ford Focus they'd been working on for the better part of a week.
"And you didn't get my fifteen messages because you're answering machine is broken." Sean shot back sarcastically. "Did you ever stop to think that maybe it was important?"
Jay sighed turning to look his friend in the face, "Did something happen? Are Emma and the kids alright?"
"They're fine. Thanks for asking." Sean replied with fake sincerity. He took a few steps towards the Focus as his tone changed to serious, "I just thought you might want to know Ellie's back."
The wrench in Jay's hand slid to the floor causing a loud clang to radiate throughout the garage almost drowning out his question, "What did you say?"
"She called Emma last night from her mom's. Said she was back for good." Sean explained, concern flashing through his eyes.
"Good for her." Jay bit out as he forced away all the emotions that one sentence had dredged up. He turned towards the Focus and bent down over the engine as he started to work.
The Past:
"You and Ellie?" Sean yelled, anger etched into every line of his face.
"It just kind of happened." Jay explained. "Besides you're with Emma, why do you care?"
Sean flinched like he'd been smacked in the face but quickly gathered his composure, "You hurt her in any way and I'm kicking your ass."
Jay nodded, "You have my permission."
The Present:
Jay pushed open the door to the bar and made his way in. As he sat down on his usual stool, the bartender slid a drink in front of him. He'd frequented this bar more than the others and knew the bartender by name.
He twirled the glass in between his hands as he licked his lips remembering the taste, the burn of past drinks that had slid down his throat. He traced his finger along the rim before dipping it into the liquid. He moved his finger up to his lips catching the drop of brown with his tongue. He slightly cringed at the harsh taste that caused his taste buds to tingle.
He pushed the drink away and stood up to leave but as he turned around he bumped into the one person he was trying to avoid. Her green eyes clouded with the same pain that had almost caused him to drink again.
"I thought I might find you here." she said softly, looking anywhere but into his eyes.
Jay cleared his throat, looking towards the door. "I was just on my way out."
He started to move past her but her small hand came up, wrapping itself around his arm desperately clinging for him to stay. Finally she met his gaze, the pain moving away to reveal pleading. Her small voice barely audible over the after work crowd, "Please?"
Jay slumped back down onto the stool he'd just vacated. He was too worn out to argue or fight with her. He turned back towards the temptation of the drink, pushing it father down the bar and away from him as she sat down beside him.
"You never called." she said nervously, picking up the bar napkin and shredding it between her thin fingers.
Jay shrugged, "The phone works both ways."
Her red head bobbed in agreement, "I know, I just…"
"You just what?" Jay shot back defensively casting her a sideways glance. "Thought you'd show up after two years and things would fall right back into place? You left, Red. It was you're choice, your decision. And if I remember correctly I asked you not to go."
A tear slid down Ellie's check causing Jay to turn away. Her voice breaking as she apologized, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have left, not like that. But you never left my heart Jay."
Jay scoffed, "Funny. That's not what it looked like from here."
Ellie's eyes narrowed in confusion until a conversation with Alex floated back to her. "It was a publicity stunt, that picture of Craig and me. His manager cooked it up. I swear to you nothing happened."
"Doesn't matter." Jay replied. "I told you when you left I wouldn't wait around for you."
Ellie sat silently as more tears streaked down her pale cheek. She studied the man sitting beside of her, the way he slouched against the bar, the way his eyes sunk in. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to kiss the crow lines stretching out from the corner of his eye, to make him see how much he still meant to her. But he was stubborn and wouldn't give in easily.
Jay stiffened as Ellie stood up her cotton sweater brushing against his arm. He held his breath as she moved past him stopping to mutter a quick goodbye. The voice in his brain screamed for him to stop her, to tell her that despite what he had said he HAD waited, he DID still care. Instead his arm shot out, his hand circling the glass he'd pushed away only minutes earlier. He lifted it to his lips and for the first time in four years let it burn the back of his throat as he swallowed it all down.