Here's a little one shot/songfic about Sean. This takes place after season 5, on memorial day. (Yes, I know that Memorial Day was probably before graduation, but humor me, and pretend that it was after graduation).The song is 'Hate Me' by Blue October.Enjoy, and Read/Review!
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
"Hi Emma. Sorry I kissed you." Rick said menacingly staring directly at Emma. Sean noticed a gun in Rick's hand. It was Sean's natural instinct to stand directly in front of Emma, because it was clear that Rick intended to harm her. As Rick started to pull the gun more into view, Sean noticed Emma and Toby freezing up as they realized Rick had a gun. Sean's eyes widened as he watched Rick pull out the gun further.
"He's got a gun ok, let's go!" Sean yelled desperately as he pushed against the frozen Emma trying to get her to move. Emma and Toby both started backing up slowly and Sean stared at Rick watching his every move.
"Don't turn away from me!" Rick shouted causing Emma and Toby to freeze. Sean clenched his fists and narrowed his eyes. "Glad I found you Emma. You made my list," Rick added glaring at Emma. Sean turned to Emma and saw her freeze like a deer in the headlights. Sean wasn't going to let Rick hurt her no matter what it took.
"Rick what are you doing!" Sean heard Toby try to plead with Rick. After all, Toby was Rick's only friend.
Rick wasn't phased by Toby's plea however. Sean realized that Rick must have gone mad. He had this glazed look in his eye and couldn't stop glaring at Emma. "You flirted with me. I thought you liked me, but that was something else," Rick spat bitterly. Sean knew that Rick meant business. He wasn't just playing around. Sean thought that he could possibly reason with Rick.
"Just put the gun down ok? Anything else is just gonna make your life worse," Sean pleaded with Rick.
"It can't get any worse," Rick responded looking down with the gun still pointing directly outward.
"Believe me it can. I know. We'll figure it all out okay?" Sean cooly said trying to get Rick to calm down.
"Figure this all out? It's too late," Rick added adjusting his grip on the gun.
"No. It's not." Sean replied shaking his head.
"I've already shot someone." Rick mentioned seconds away from pulling the trigger. Sean's eyes widened as he realized that Rick wouldn't budge. Sean did what he thought was the only option at that point. He jumped on Rick and fought him trying to get the gun out of Rick's hands. BANG!
Sean dropped his head snapping out of his thoughts. He's been having recurring flashbacks on and off all year. Running his finger across the engravings on the granite, he figured that this was the best place to go to resolve things. He couldn't get it out of his mind! He sank down further into his knees on the ground. The rain was pouring down on his face, causing him to barely be able to see the writing on the stone in front of him.
He knew very well what it said, however. He's been trying to work up the courage to face this for an entire year. In fact, he probably wouldn't be there at the moment if he didn't have the Memorial Day excuse. The guilt had totally taken over him. Everyone he talked to reassured him that it wasn't his fault, but he really felt it was. Sometimes he felt completely guilty. He caused a kid's death! He knew that the thought would never go away. If only he could have talked to Rick, calmed him down. The whole entire thing could have been avoided. He scowled thinking about what he could have done to stop it.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.
He ran his fingers against the dates written on the stone in front of him. He was soaked from all the rain, but he didn't care. He kneeled by the gravestone deep in thought as the rain kept pouring down. "Rick Murray. 1987 to 2004." Sean muttered out loud under his breath. He often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't been there. Would Rick still be alive? Would he be getting help? Would he have killed others? Sean tried to supress a lump forming in his throat, but he couldn't. One lonely tear slipped out, but Sean couldn't even tell that it did since that tear got quickly washed away with rain pouring from the sky.
"Sean!" He heard a voice that was all too familiar coming from behind him. He turned around to see her standing there with a blue umbrella and a bouquet of flowers in her had. She looked even more beautiful than he remember her to be.
"Emma." He replied softly smiling looking at her, "I was just.." he quickly added, trying to cover up for what he was doing.
"You don't have to explain." She said, shrugging it off. "In fact, I was here to do the exact same thing." She added, kneeling down next to him placing her umbrella so it covered the both of them.
"Thanks," Sean nodded, pleasantly surprised that he didn't have to explain himself. "So.. do you still.. think about it?" He asked, while staring at the ground. While he was in Wasaga, he was too busy drowning himself in guilt to even think about how Emma or even Jimmy felt about it.
"Yeah, a lot." She sighed, placing the flowers next to Rick's grave. "I wonder what could have happened if you weren't there." Sean looked down. He didn't want to make this awkward, but hearing that upset him. If he wasn't there, Rick could still be alive right now, getting help, making himself a better person.
"Sean, you can't blame yourself." She pleaded with him. It amazed Sean how Emma could still practically read his mind even though they hadn't seen each other for a long time. "You tried to reason with him, you really did." She paused for a moment. "He just didn't want to listen to you. I know you may think that it's your fault, but it's definitely not." She sighed deeply. He figured it was really hard for her to say this, but he was glad that she did.
"I mean, if you weren't there.." She started, nodding her head towards the gravestone, "That could have been me."
Sean bit his lip and turned to her. The thought had crossed his mind before, but it was totally different to hear her say it. He knew they talked about it right after the incident happened, but Sean was too wrapped up in his new found fame to truly listen to her.
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry." He said softly. He couldn't think of anything else to say but to apologize.
"What are you sorry for?" She asked kindly, "Sean. You saved my life!" She exclaimed quietly, but firmly.
"I mean, for everything else too. Everything. I put you through so much.." Being here staring at Rick's grave changed something in Sean a lot. He felt his emotions and thoughts pouring out of him, and he couldn't really control them.
Emma smiled softly, taking in his apology. "Thanks for the apology, but I told you, it's ancient history. Don't worry about it. You worry too much!" She joked.
I'm sober now for 3 whole months,
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again
In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
"I know, but, can we talk about things? Take a walk." Emma looked really confused when he said this. He quickly added, "I know it's not like me.. at all," he joked, "but I've been thinking about things lately, and I just want to..I don't know, talk?" Even though they he just saw her for the first time in a year right now, seeing her made him feel really comfortable. He was able to open up in ways that he couldn't have imagined.
"Oh..kay.." Emma said quietly taken aback. She stood up slowly making sure the umbrella covered them both. After glancing one more time at the gravestone, Sean followed suit.
They walked in silence for a moment, heading out of the graveyard and down the street. Sean looked around him taking in everything. It was all too familiar to him. It felt like he never left Toronto. He softly sighed while retracting the walk he'd have to take to school everyday from his old house with Tracker.
"So how have you been?" Emma asked breaking the silence. "We were so wrapped up in thoughts about the shooting that I forgot to ask you."
"I've been alright. Wasaga, it's nice, but it's no Toronto." He chuckled. "Nothing much has happened with me. I'm getting tired of Wasaga to be honest." Emma nodded slowly listening to him. "And what about you, met any guys?" He asked jokingly.
Emma rolled her eyes slightly. "Yeah, I'm kind of seeing this guy, Peter. I used to really like him, but things between us aren't going so well." Sighing, she added, "I guess the initial thrill has worn off." Her eyes darted for a moment until they returned to being set on Sean. "And how are things with Ellie? Do you still talk to her?"
Sean rolled his eyes in the same matter that Emma did the minute before. "I saw her once. I asked her if she still had feelings for me and got completely rejected. She was still bitter about me leaving I guess." He shrugged.
"You did what you had to do, don't worry about that." Emma reassured him. "Ellie should have realized that too. Her loss."
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
Sean slightly grinned listening to Emma. He was glad that someone actually understood why he left. He couldn't stick around Toronto., not until the aftermath of the shooting blew over. He was pleasantly surprised that Emma wasn't bitter or angry with him about it like Ellie was. Sean realized that Ellie had every right to be mad, he did leave her with an apartment with relatively expensive rent.
So I'll drive so far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hearing Emma say she realized why he did it made him feel completely understood. Emma always had a way of understanding him when the rest of the world didn't.
Sean was too engaged in his thoughts to realized where he was. He looked around him and realized that he was standing smack-dab in the middle of the ravine. Not just any ravine, but THE ravine. He smirked noticing the empty beer bottles and cigarette butts thrown all over the ground. He realized that everything was just how he'd left it. The old bench, the fire pit, and even Jay's old hook-up van. Sean never went in there himself, but he always noticed Jay seducing a new girl with him every night. He sometimes felt for the girls, because he knew that Jay's intentions definitely weren't the best. Sean had wasted many a night here, and sometimes he regretted it. Getting away from Jay and the party scene for awhile made him wonder if all of that is even worth it.
"Place hasn't changed a bit." Sean joked, breaking the silence. Kicking a can of beer out of the way, he added, "Still clean this place?"
Emma shook her head, eyes fixated on the van. She stood stiff staring directly it. "Remember that one time we were cleaning the ravine together?" Sean asked, trying to get Emma to loosen up a bit. "Kendra Mason just HAD to ruin it," he joked.
Emma turned to him giggling, taking her eyes off of the van for the first time since they got there. "Yeah, who could forget it." Frowning slightly, she added, "But then you met Jay."
Looking down at the ground, Sean sighed, "Yeah, he's definitely not the best person to get involved with."
"I totally agree." Emma confirmed, eyes fixated back on the van. Emma was staring at the van so intensely, Sean thought she'd burn a hole through it.
"You don't want to go in there. The things that Jay and people like him do in there.. you don't want to get involved with at all." Sean added, staring at the van like it was the plague.
Emma quickly looked down at the ground and faced away from Sean ashamed. She twisted the umbrella a little in her hand while nervously placing her other hand behind her neck. Why is she acting so strange?
Sean finally put two and two together. He was gone for awhile, a lot could have happened. But why hasn't he heard about this before?
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you.
"You've been in there, haven't you?" Sean asked quietly, breaking another long and awkward eternity of silence.
"Once." Emma nodded quietly. "Well, twice, but the first time I just couldn't go through with it." Turning back to Sean, Emma pleaded, "I know it's not like me at all, but after the shooting, I guess.." Emma stuttered, "I needed an escape. I was alone. No one understood what I was going through. I needed something to turn to." She nervously added "Even if it was what I did.."
Sean was shocked, more startled than angry. He always pictured Emma to be really innocent. A lot of things can change in a year.
"Sean, I'm sorry." Emma apologized, "It just.. happened."
"Don't worry about it, Emma." Sean started, almost surprising himself. "What happened with the shooting, that was really hard to deal with." He turned to her and smiled, "It was an honest mistake. Everyone makes mistakes." He assured her.
Emma grinned and stared right into Sean's eyes. "You think so?" She asked unsure of herself.
"Of course." He nodded smirking at her. He was really curious to know who Emma was with, he had a hunch, but he knew better than to ask. He figured he'd find out eventually, but he didn't want to keep pushing the subject right now.
Emma sighed deeply, "I better head home now, before Spike gets too worried."
"I'll walk you." Sean offered. Emma nodded, and she held the umbrella over them as they walked in silence out of the ravine.
"Anything else go on while I was gone?" Sean asked curiously, breaking the silence as they turned the corner right by Emma's house.
"Yeah, but that can wait for next time." Emma said silently looking down at the ground. "It was nice seeing you again." Emma added changing the subject, turning to him, smiling and closing up her umbrella. "And if you ever need to talk, you can always give me a call."
"It was nice to see you too." He smiled staring deep into her eyes. She leaned over and hugged him lightly.
"So yeah, Call me anytime you need to talk or just want to hang out, or anything like that." Emma said quickly before she entered her house. Sean watched as she took another quick look before she shut the door behind her.
And when the sad hard eyes say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
Sean stood on her porch for a moment, staring at her door. His meeting with her was something that he didn't expect. He was glad he saw her though. He thought that he was the only one who really thought about the shooting still, but he was glad that Emma proved he wasn't alone. He couldn't believe that Emma would go into that van. What he told her was genuine, he wasn't mad at her, but he still had to get some answers. He had to know morea about this. He didn't want to ask Emma just yet, because it's been so long since he's seen her. He knew exactly who he could talk to. Just how to find him?
He realized he wouldn't have to look very long. "Cameron!" Sean heard a deep voice echoing from behind him. Sean turned around to see the devil himself. Jay Hogart. Emma didn't tell Sean directly that Jay was the culprit, but he just knew. When it came to Emma sometimes he just knew.
"Jay." Sean responded in an unenthusiastic tone.
"How are ya, man?" Jay bellowed, slurring his words. Sean couldn't believe that Jay was drunk already, it was barely past noon. Sean didn't feel like listening to Jay's drunk banter, so he decided to get right to the point.
"Why'd you do it, man?" Sean asked calmly.
"Do what!" Jay spat, tripping over himself and taking another sip of the beer in his hand.
"What you did with Emma Nelson. In your van." Sean responded.
Jay looked at Sean like he was a freak. "What are you, a greenpeace yourself?" Jay joked, "Look, she was vulnerable. She was stressed. Who was there to 'help out' with open arms? Me. So HAH." Jay stumbled over himself and added, "You're just jealous."
And then I found out I can't make it go away, just make it stop Come back and shine just like it used to be And then she whispered "How could you did this to me?"
Sean's eyes narrowed and he clenched his fists hearing Jay. It angered him so much that Jay could take advantage of Emma like that. If Sean was still around, he wouldn't have let it happen. It took all of the self control Sean could manage to not punch Jay in the face.
"You think that, Hogart." Sean spat, leaving Jay in his drunken stupor.
Sean continued on down the road, he didn't know where he was headed. Maybe back to Wasaga, maybe even another part of Toronto. He was so proud of himself for not completely attacking Jay. He realized that he had grown a lot since he came to Toronto in the first place. And it was all because of Emma. Talking to her made him realize that maybe, just maybe the shooting wasn't his fault. Sure, he had heard many times that it wasn't, from his parents, and Ellie when they were still together. It never really sank in to him until he heard Emma say it. She had helped him so much throughout the years. He wished there was something he could do to help her in return. He remembered her telling him that there were other things he didn't know about. What could be worse than what happened with Jay? He figured he'd call her sometime and she'd open up on her own. Until then, he figured he'd just keep walking on the open road, thinking about all of the good times he had in Toronto.
And for the first time in awhile, he was genuinely happy. Sean smiled to himself as he continued walking further and further not even realizing that the rain was continuing to pour down on him.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you