Thanks for droppin' by to read my fic, Be My Hump Buddy!
This is rated M! No kiddies allowed. Sex is the main topic, so they should stay away. But if you're over 18, please enjoy Jiraiya's lesson… Lol, and to think I was shooting for a T rating… yeah right, that got killed quick. Oh, and some of the sexual humor can tend to get a bit raunchy… Just a warning…
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN NARUTO. I'm just a fan with a vivid (and apparently perverted) imagination.
Summary: Jiraiya decides to give the young Konoha boys some inspirational words… along with detailed instructions, manuals and the proper safety equipment. Who would be better to instruct a sexual education class?
Be My Hump Buddy!
Jiraiya was walking down the busy streets of Konoha, his eyes shifting from side to side in search of new inspiration for his new Icha Icha Kinky series.
His expert eye quickly scanned every being with breasts.
A woman with her grandkids. Too old…
A woman eating lunch. Too chubby…
A woman buying make-up. Too ugly…
He inwardly shuddered as another subject passed him. A sumo wrestler with man breasts that rivaled almost any woman's breasts. Eww…
He sighed heavily. Research for today was not plentiful in Konoha's streets. There were no girls playing in the waterfalls, old ladies were bathing in the bath house, Tsunade had kicked him out of her office… Just one young, beautiful, developed girl would do. Just one.
His spirits and ears picked up at the heavenly sound of giggling girls.
Aha! Success!
Or not… Jiraiya's happiness was smacked back to the ground and stomped on by irony.
It was a group of genin girls. They were too young and under-developed. He needed bouncing boobies for his research, not mosquito bites…
Seemingly out of nowhere, Naruto appeared before the group of girls.
And a scene unfolded before Jiraiya's eyes.
Naruto was saying something to the girls and in a matter of seconds the pink haired genin, known as Sakura, punched him in the head with such force that he was an orange heap of pathetic-ness on the ground.
Sakura was loudly yelling at Naruto, her friends by her side. All giving Naruto nasty looks… except for the one girl, the Hyuuga heir. She seemed generally saddened over his misfortune.
Jiraiya frowned. He knew Naruto liked the Sakura girl, but couldn't he see that the heiress had some interest in him. Was he blind or just naive?
But then that Sasuke kid appeared and Sakura's anger turned into adoration as she fell all over the Uchiha. The blonde with her seemed equally interested in Sasuke and joined in fawning over him.
Jiraiya's frown deepened. The Uchiha boy just brushed them off, seemingly annoyed. Was this kid gay? How could he just dump two pretty girls to the side who were obviously competing with each other over him? How could he just push away two love desperate, pretty girls that would seemingly do anything for him? When Jiraiya had been that age, he would have jumped at the opportunity without a second thought. Two beautiful females vying for one male's attention? Every night Jiraiya prayed for such an occurrence to happen to him. But the Uchiha… something wasn't right in his head… neither of his heads were responding correctly to the situation, as far a Jiraiya could see.
Then two more boys appeared. What was this? The meeting of the genins?
Jiraiya was almost sure that one of these young strapping boys would make a move on prime pickings.
A boy clad in green, who was definitely Gai's student, came rushing in, full of pride. His sights were set on the Sakura girl. The boy was Naruto's competition, but Jiraiya had high hopes for the new comer.
The boy instantly proclaimed his love for Sakura and went on about youth and some other crazily charismatic sappy shit.
Jiraiya shook his head. This boy was trying too hard.
The one girl who wore her hair in two buns slowly made her way next to the other boy, who was obviously a Hyuuga, with the eyes he had.
The girl didn't fall all over him as her friends had done toward Sasuke, but she did keep a quite obvious blush on her cheeks.
Jiraiya smirked as he waited for the boy to make his move… and waited… and waited.
The boy did nothing!
Jiraiya inwardly cringed. What the hell was going on with these young boys? They were supposed to be chocked full of testosterone and ambition!
But as he saw four more boys approach the gathering, he decided to hold his hope a little longer as he watched their interaction with the girls.
The boy with the dog… too cocky and loud.
The boy with the glasses… too mysterious, too weird, too quiet, no ambition.
The boy with the ponytail and fishnet shirt… no interest… at all.
The chubby kid… already had a love affair with his bag of chips.
Jiraiya wanted to pull his hair out. Has anyone bothered to talk to these boys about the meaning of life? Which was women, of course! Did they know that their piss rods had another purpose!? What . The. Hell! If the population of Konoha depended on these boys, there would be no Konoha! Someone had to do something!
Jiraiya smiled to himself as he stood proudly. He would be the one to take their young impressionable minds and mold them into what they should be! He would be their mentor! When he was done with them, they would be naive no more! Besides, what man knew more about the female sex than he? No man, that's who.
Swiftly making his way over to their little genin meeting, he rudely shooed the girls away, who complied grudgingly.
"Why'd ya do that pervy sage?!" Naruto demanded through narrowed eyes.
"I've seen enough of your pathetic displays!" He yelled to the group of boys. "I will only teach you lucky few what true strength is!"
"Who the hell are you, old man?" the boy with the dog asked.
Jiraiya turned to him. "Your frickin' savior!" He turned toward the whole group again. "You will all meet me by the waterfall in the woods in an hour! It's a secret meeting that will make you better men and shinobi!"
Before any of the boys could say a solitary thing, Jiraiya was gone.
Kiba looked over to Naruto. "Who was that old guy?"
Naruto frowned. "A pervert."
Jiraiya immediately made his way to the meeting spot by the waterfall. He was crestfallen to see that no young girls had gathered by the waterfall yet, so he decided to get to his task.
He set up a chalk board and a table. The table was set up with things he would need for teaching, and effectively covered it with a sheet, to keep it a surprise from his students. Jiraiya didn't particularly care for teaching, actually he didn't like it, but he had to teach these boys! And the topic he would be teaching was a thousand times more interesting than any kind of ninja training.
Right on time, the group of naïve and inexperienced genins walked into the clearing, curiosity spread across their faces.
"We're here pervy sage! Now make us better shinobi!" Naruto immediately demanded.
Jiraiya ignored Naruto and motioned for them to sit in the grass before him as he picked up a piece of chalk and began to draw. When he was done with his sketch, he stood back proudly and observed his 'masterpiece'.
Jiraiya dramatically pointed at the drawing. "Can any of you tell me what this is?"
Kiba huffed in annoyance. "It's a girl, you idiot."
"It's not drawn all that good either!" Naruto added.
Jiraiya looked at his sketch of a woman. It was a slightly worse version of the symbol you would find pinned on the outside of the women's restroom door, but he thought he had done rather well. But that wasn't the point.
"At least you idiots know that much," Jiraiya said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
With a roll of his eyes, the 'last' of the Uchiha spoke. "Get to the point."
He ignored the boy's attitude. "I have a very important question for you boys. If you don't know the answer to this question, you are all failures to the male sex."
Quiet enveloped the boys.
Jiraiya eyed them all. "Do you know what they're for?"
"Who?" Naruto asked.
"Girls."
More silence. A piece of Jiraiya died.
"None of you know?"
"I do." Came a voice from the back. It was the kid who had a love affair with the bag of chips.
Hope!
"Yes, Chowder" Jiraiya said.
"Chouji." He narrowed his eyes.
"Whatever." Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "What's the answer?"
"To make delicious meals! That's what my mom does!"
A sweat drop appeared on Jiraiya's head. "It's a plus but not really…"
The kid with the fishnet shirt raised his hand.
"Yes, Chickamarki" Jiraiya called.
"Shikamaru."
"Does it matter?" Jiraiya answered.
"Troublesome…" Shikamaru muttered, deciding to now ignore the old pervert.
"Answer the damn question!" He shouted.
Shikamaru shrugged. "To clean, take care of the house and nag about everything."
Jiraiya sighed heavily. "I'd say the first two are pluses. But definitely not the nagging part. Either way, you're wrong too."
Then an enthusiastic hand popped in the air from the lad clad in green. "Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know!"
This kid better know the answer…
"Go ahead Gai."
Lee immediately rose to his feet in response. "My name is Lee sir, but it is a complete honor that you would think of me as Gai-sensei!"
Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Just answer the question."
"Girls are what make the world beautiful! They are bursting with youthfulness just as we are!" Lee exclaimed happily.
Was this kid strung out on crack?
"No."
Jiraiya looked over the sad batch of boys before him. His eyes landed on the kid with the dog.
"You, the scruffy kid. Don't you ever watch what your dog does with his toys?"
"It's Kiba."
Jiraiya wanted to pull his hair out. "When will you boys get the hint that I don't care what your names are!" He pointed at the dog. "Haven't you ever seen the dog do weird things with his toys?"
Kiba raised an eyebrow. "No."
Jiraiya ground his teeth in irritation. "Do any of you know what girls, women, the female sex is for! Do you know their main purpose in reference to males!"
Nothing was heard but crickets.
"Their purpose is for our pleasure! Our physical pleasure!" He screamed.
Jiraiya noticed blushed cheeks on the kid with dark glasses, Chikamarki and the Hyuuga kid, but the others didn't seem to get the hint.
"When you say physical pleasure," Naruto started, "do you mean playing games like tag and stuff?"
Jiraiya wanted to die. "No you idiot! I mean sex! And lots of it! Females are there to make you feel better in that way!"
A few more blushes spread throughout the group of boys. But there were still a few who seemed clueless. For example, Naruto, Gai's mini me, and the chunky kid.
"What?" Naruto asked, squinting his eyes.
For the love of God!
"Don't you know that your piss rod has another purpose?!"
Naruto was even more lost. "What?"
A vein popped on Jiraiya's head. "Naruto, do you at least know where babies come from?"
Naruto nodded enthusiastically. "Sure! The stork picks them up from the cabbage patch and delivers the baby to the parents that ordered it."
What. The. Hell.
"That couldn't be farther from the truth." Jiraiya let out an agitated sigh. "How can I say this, so you will get it."
Then an idea popped into his head. He ripped the cloth off of the table and picked up a stack of orange books with a slashed circle on the cover. He tossed them to the boys. "Read this, it explains sex in the fullest detail possible."
Naruto held his book out in front of him. "Kakashi-sensei reads this book all the time."
Jiraiya smirked. "I'm sure the women are glad he does… And he's a great man and shinobi because of it."
"Really!" Naruto exclaimed. "Then I'm going to master sex just like Kakashi-sensei and be the best shinobi of all time!"
Jiraiya sweat-dropped as did a few of the boys in the group.
"Naruto… You're too young to worry about actually having sex now."
Naruto frowned. "Then why are you telling us about it."
"Because at the age you boys are at now, you should be winning over these girls so when you do reach the right age, they will be willing to participate."
Naruto's face scrunched up in confusion. "So the girls wouldn't want to do this now?"
Jiraiya groaned in frustration as he rubbed his temple. "No, they probably wouldn't. There's the occasional 'loose' girl at your young age that might want to experiment… But no Naruto. Just no."
"So why can't we just find a loose girl our age?" Naruto asked, gesturing to his group of friends. "A girl that's willing to give it a try with all of us."
The reaction across the genin group was unanimous at Naruto's words. Utter shock. He'd never seen a group of young men turn so red in the face so quickly and at one time. Those that had been clueless about the topic had been filled in during Jiraiya's conversation with Naruto. The Chikamarki kid had taken the liberty of filling in the chubby kid and the scruffy kid with the dog had whispered into Lee's ear.
Jiraiya shook his head. If only Naruto had understood what he said… Hell, Jiraiya was up for a grown, beautiful, voluptuous woman any day any time. He was no eunuch. So he felt a sense of duty to the lonely eunuchs of the world, to use his own personal rod of steel to its 'fullest' potential.
With a deep sigh, Jiraiya picked up his book and looked at the group of boys before him.
"Open to page 10."
Of course Naruto had been the first to complain about the book. Claiming he didn't want to read a love story. Yeah, well this statement made Jiraiya smirk. This was anything but a love story. It was a lust story. Two complete different things. The hard part was just explaining the difference, but with his experience he was able to explain it on such a base level that even Naruto understood it.
Even though the boys didn't know much about sex, per se, they did understand how and why their bodies worked or did things… That was perhaps Jiraiya's saving grace in the whole explanation of the difference between love and lust.
His explanation had been simple.
He cleared his throat. "Love is a deep feeling that surpasses your loins. Love is more than just sex. Love is the willingness to do anything for that woman to keep her happy and safe… Like dying for her or even succumbing to the ball and chain of marriage."
Surprisingly, every one of them understood. And thankfully there were no questions.
A smirk crossed his lips. "Lust on the other hand…" His smirk transformed into a smile. "Is pure primal instinct. There are no gooey feelings. It's just being so strongly physically attracted to a woman that you must have her. Your Johnson should be the first to notice her, then the head on your shoulders affirms and confirms the assessment." Jiraiya gave a firm nod. "The Johnson is never wrong. Follow his lead."
Jiraiya smiled to himself. He always followed his lower companion.
Which led him to his favorite part of this lesson.
The actual description of sex.
Smiling like an idiot, Jiraiya announced. "Turn to page 69."
Almost immediately, the collective brush of a pink blush across the genin cheeks turned into a deep crimson that matched the shade of blood. Actually, Scruffy, Chikimarki ,Chowder and even the Uchiha kid had a hard time stopping the flow of blood from their own noses. Aha, so the Uchiha kid wasn't a eunuch… He had balls after all.
Even Naruto was at a loss of words… Sputtering, trying to form a sentence.
"Uh… What? I? Um…"
Was what seemed to escape Naruto's mouth.
Jiraiya licked his lips out of habit. "That gentlemen, is a very special sight that goes by many names." The smirk returned. "I prefer to call it a pussy, you know just like a cat. Basically any varation of cat, kitten.. pussy cat will work for that. But what you are looking at is the female reproductive organs."
The scruffy kid tried to speak up. "But the guy… He's.. he's…. his tongue…"
"Doesn't your dog ever lick his crotch?" Jiraiya asked.
"Yeah but…"
"This is part of the way how men scratch a 'senual itch' for a woman."
The boys were quiet and red. Well, Gai's clone was green in the face. The poor boy looked like he was about to lose his lunch. Jiraiya quirked an eyebrow.
"Are you alright Gai?"
The kid nodded slowly and closed his eyes, perspiration lightly dusted his brow. "I shall do this for the youthful blossom who decides to do the deed with me!" He proclaimed and Jiraiya smiled. "I will not fail you master Jiraiya!"
There was a collective groan from the boys at Gai's clone's words.
"Good!" Jiraiya proclaimed. "Gai is the first to recognize, that if you treat her well and give her what she wants, than she'll be more than willing for fulfill your own personal needs!" Jiraiya shrugged. "Besides, it's not that bad… And look!" He pointed at the picture. "She's returning the favor to him! It's really great if you can find a girl without a gag reflex. She can get it further down that way…"
Jiraiya looked towards the chubby kid in the back, who had let the bag of chips go by the wayside. "Maybe it would be a new delicacy for you?"
The skin under the red swirls on his cheeks darkened. Yup, Jiraiya knew that kid was a master eater and would love eating out… He just hoped he wouldn't be too rough on the female, or he'd have a whole different set of problems to worry about.
Jiraiya pointed to his book, deciding to continue the lesson. "It's actually quite ironic this display is on page 69, since that's the name of the position… How about I show you boys some other favorites of mine…"
Before long Jiraiya had brought out the safety equipment.
Turning to his table, he glanced at his props.
Bananas… donuts… condoms… oranges… melons…
Jiraiya shrugged. That was about all he needed…
He picked up the bananas and threw them to the boys, then turned to pick up a condom.
"Thanks for the food, pervy sage!"
Jiraiya turned around with condom and banana in hand. He rolled his eyes and had a distinct urge to slap his forehead.
Naruto, along with a few others were eating the bananas...
For the love of God…
Jiraiya outwardly shuddered when the scruffy boy took a quick sharp bite out of the banana. Jiraiya thought he would be sick right there.
"Stop!" He yelled. "You're not supposed to eat them!"
"Then what are we supposed to do with them?" Naruto asked, his cheeks filled with mushed banana.
Good Lord, he had a bunch of banana eaters before him… Naïve banana eaters…
Jiraiya took a deep breath. Condom in one hand and banana in the other.
"This is supposed to be a demonstration of how to put on condoms. If you don't practice safe sex or put on a condom correctly you could end up with kids earlier than you expected or worse…"
Before one of them could even ask what he meant by 'or worse' he whipped out a huge display poster, showing some of the various diseases.
If the Gai clone had turned the shade of his leotard at the thought of eating out, then it was completely understandable that he was now puking his guts up in a nearby bush… apparently accompanied by a few of his classmates.
"What the hell?!"
"Shit, that's nasty…."
"Is it decaying?"
Jiraiya chuckled at their responses. "That's why it's important that you pay attention to me." He rolled up the poster and placed it on the table.
And he had the undivided attention of every male there.
Cracking open the condom wrapper and rolling it onto the banana with ease, "Any questions?" Jiraiya asked.
The silence resumed.
But not for long.
Jiraiya sighed heavily. "Yes Naruto."
"That's it?" His faced scrunched up in question. "It's just that easy?"
This wouldn't be as hard at it seemed.
"Yeah, that's it."
"So…" Naruto started and Jiraiya's gut clenched. "All you have to do is put a balloon on a banana?"
Jiraiya could feel an ulcer forming.
"Can the balloon be a different color? Does it have to be a banana?"
Jiraiya slapped his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. Why did this have to be so hard?
Realization dawned on him. Now he knew why no one had ever taught such essentials to these boys…. They were complete idiots. They were so dumb that it would be a disgrace to the human race to allow any of them to reproduce. Konoha's population be damned. These boys didn't deserve the pleasure of sex. It was just beyond them. Beyond any form of comprehension they could fathom.
This was a mission he didn't want anymore.
Who would ever think that Jiraiya, - one of the legendary Three Sannin…. The greatest smut author there is! A notorious sex addict. The Best and Most Enthusiastic sex addict to ever roam the land and pillage the soft folds of the female anatomy – would willingly give up a discussion on sex… on passing his trademark actions down to the next generation. This debacle… this disappointment would take a huge toll on the female sexual satisfaction… With his techniques lost to history, no woman would ever be able to experience the mind-blowing, blood burning, headboard breaking, shuddering in pleasure orgasmic blackouts that he gave. And yes… women did blackout for him. They can't help it if their bodies shut down after the powerful sensation. A smirk crossed his lips. Yes, he was that good. He knew how to lay down the hammer like no other man could, and his pride and ego swelled at this.
But that didn't change his mind. He would not teach this group.
Hell, he would just have to go find his favorite woman (he had to use his gift while he was alive)…. Tsunade appreciated his efforts… and she did seem a little more stressed than usual… She could take it out on him.
Fantasizing about the woman's larger than life breasts, which by all means should be breaking her back, he threw down the items in his hands.
"Screw this kids. I've got some screwing of my own to do."
And he was gone in a puff of smoke.
A brief silence full of question covered the clearing.
"So…" Naruto said turning to his peers. "Can we eat the bananas now or what?"
There it is. Hope you liked it. Haha, there were parts even I was embarrassed to elaborate on and decided to digress… But you're all adults (or should be, I tried to shoo the kiddies away) that are reading this. You know what I was eluding too… I tried to be funny. This is supposed to be a fun and crazy one-shot, but it does have the potential to turn into a full fledge, chapters out of the wahzoo (or not) fanfic. Please leave a review and tell me what you think.
Oh, fun fact! The actual definition of Pillage is "to take booty". I know the definition is referring to booty as treasure (haha, I mean gold and such, even though some can look at it as treasure! Lol!) I just couldn't resist the double meaning. The word just popped into my head while I was writing! I didn't know it would be that perfect!
Thanks for reading and please review!